Bewitched, Bothered & Bewildered

(January 12, 1998)

Written by: Marti Noxon

Teaser

CLOSE ON A SMALL SILVER HEART

That dangles from a chain.

EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

XANDER, pacing, holding the trinket - contemplating it. BUFFY'S sitting on a headstone nearby.

XANDER
What do you think?

BUFFY
It's nice.

XANDER
But do you think Cordelia will like it?

BUFFY
I don't know…
(points to the heart)
Does she know what one of these is?

XANDER
Okay, big yuks. When are you guys
gonna stop making fun of me for dating
Cordelia?

BUFFY
I'm sorry. But, never.
(off his look)
I just think you could find someone
more… better.

XANDER
Parallel universe, maybe. Here the
only other person I'm interested in is
unavailable.

BUFFY
(gets the point)
Oh.

XANDER
Besides, Cordy and I have really been
getting along. We don't fight as much.
Yesterday we just sat together, not even
speaking, you know, just enjoying
comfortable silence.
(beat)
Man, that was dull.

BUFFY
I'm glad you guys are getting along.
Almost really. And you shouldn't
stress about the gift.

XANDER
This is new territory for me. My
valentines are usually met with
heartfelt restraining orders.

BUFFY
She'll love it.

XANDER
I wish dating was like slaying - simple.
Direct. Stake to the heart, no muss no
fuss -

He's cut off when A VAMP RISES FROM THE GRAVE HE'S STANDING ON - RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. Xander YELLS. Falls back. Buffy leaps from her perch - grabs a stake from her coat.

A VICIOUS BATTLE ensues. This vamp is STRONG and Buffy's almost overcome but finally manages to DUST THE DUDE.

A beat as Buffy recovers. Then she helps Xander to his feet. They start to move off. As they disappear into the distance…

BUFFY
Sorry, Xand. Have to say slaying is a
tad more perilous than dating.

XANDER
You're obviously not dating Cordelia.

BLACK OUT

END OF TEASER
Act One

EXT. SCHOOL - DAY

School is about to start and kids rush everywhere. CORDY sees HARMONY and the CORDETTES. They see her too, but keep going. Their heads bowed as they whisper.

CORDELIA
Hey… Wait up!

Cordy rushes to catch up with them - peeved.

CORDELIA
Excuse me? Where's the fire sale?

HARMONY
(cool)
Oh, sorry. Didn't see you.

CORDELIA
Why didn't you guys call me back last
night? We need to talk about our outfits
for the dance - I'm going to wear red
and black so you'd better switch -

CORDETTE #1
Red and black? Is that what Xander
likes?

CORDELIA
Xander? What's he got to do with it?

HARMONY
Well, a girl wants to look good for her
geek.

The Cordettes titter.

CORDELIA
Xander is just -

HARMONY
When are you two gonna start wearing
cute little matching outfits? 'Cause I'm
planning to vomit.

Harmony starts off. The Cordettes follow. Cordelia can't believe it.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

XANDER, WILLOW AND BUFFY are all in English class with MISS BEAKMAN, a tough old dame. The bell rings and students start to rise.

MISS BEAKMAN
Papers on my desk. Anybody tries to
leave without giving me a paper is
looking at a failing grade.

Xander sits with Buffy and Willow, clutching his paper.

XANDER
Hah! This time I am ready for you.
No "F" for Xander today. This baby's
my ticket to a sweet "D minus".

The bunch comes up by AMY, daughter of the cheerleading trophy.

WILLOW
Hey, Amy.

AMY
Hey. Are you guys going to the
Valentine's Dance at the Bronze?
I think it's gonna be fun.

Buffy and Willow exchange looks, Willow bursting to say something.

BUFFY
Go ahead, you know you want to say it.

WILLOW
(to Amy)
My boyfriend's in the band.

AMY
Cool.

BUFFY
I think you've now told everybody.

WILLOW
Only in this hemisphere.

AMY
(to Buffy)
What about you?

BUFFY
Valentine's Day is just a gimmick to
sell cards.

AMY
Bad break up?

BUFFY
Believe me when I say "Uh huh".

She hands her paper to Miss Beakman -

MISS BEAKMAN
Thank you…

As does Willow.

MISS BEAKMAN
Thank you…

Miss Beakman looks at Amy expectantly. But Amy just stares deeply into the teacher's eyes. Suddenly, Miss Beakman SMILES and reaches out for a paper that ISN'T THERE. Miss Beakman "puts" the phantom paper on the top of her stack.

MISS BEAKMAN
Thank you…

Amy smiles coolly, moves off. Revealing XANDER, who has seen this whole exchange. He looks after Amy, intrigued. Hands his paper in, starts after Amy. But getting no response from Miss Beakman, stops to say crankily:

XANDER
You're welcome.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

Buffy and Willow peel off from Amy with goodbye's, walk down the hall.

WILLOW
I just hate to think of you solo on
Valentine's Day.

BUFFY
I'll be fine. Mom and I are gonna have
a pig-out and vidfest. It's a time
honored tradition among the loveless.

Xander comes abreast of them.

XANDER
Did you guys see that?

BUFFY
What?

XANDER
In class. I thought I just saw Amy
working some magic on Miss Beakman.

BUFFY
You mean like Witchcraft?

WILLOW
Well, her mom was a witch…

BUFFY
And an amateur psycho. Amy's the
last person should be messing with
that stuff.

XANDER
Maybe I should talk to -

Now GILES approaches. Xander hushes, gives the others a look.

GILES
Buffy. Might I have a word with you?

BUFFY
Have a sentence, even.

GILES
Good, well -

Giles is unable to finish because, just as they are passing her door, MISS CALENDAR emerges from her classroom. Everyone stops - awkward. It's evident that there is a lot of bad feeling here. Buffy can't even look at her.

CALENDAR
(takes the leap)
Rupert.

GILES
Miss Calendar.

Calendar reacts to the use of her last name. Still - she forges ahead.

CALENDAR
I - I'm glad we ran into each other,
actually. I was hoping we could…
Do you have a moment?

GILES
Oh - well… Not just now. I have a
matter I must discuss with Buffy.

He turns to Buffy - who finally glances at Calendar. Cold.

BUFFY
Right. Let's go.

Giles nods to Calendar - a hint of sorrow evident in his eyes. He and Buffy walk off. A beat as Calendar watches them go, Willow and Xander looking from them to her.

INT. LIBRARY - DAY

Buffy's at the table, watching Giles pace - clearly agitated by his encounter with Calendar.

BUFFY
Are you okay?

GILES
Me? I'll be fine. I'm more concerned
about you, actually.
(then)
Ever since Angel… turned - I've been
reading up on his earlier activities.
Learning more about his habits, feeding
patterns, the like…

BUFFY
And?

GILES
There's a disturbing trend. Around
Valentine's Day he's prone to rather
brutal displays of… what he would
think of as affection, I suppose.

BUFFY
Like what?

GILES
No - no need to go into detail.

BUFFY
That bad.

GILES
Suffice to say it would be best if you
stayed off the streets for a few nights.
I can patrol. Keep my eye on things.
Better safe than sorry.

BUFFY
It's a little late for both.

Off Buffy and Giles - anything but happy Valentine's puppies.

INT. FACTORY - NIGHT

CLOSE ON A VELVET BOX

Which is opened to reveal an INCREDIBLE ANTIQUE RUBY NECKLACE.

WIDEN TO REVEAL DRUSILLA AND SPIKE AT THE TABLE

Dru has just opened the box and smiles happily over at Spike, who is still chair-bound.

SPIKE
Fancy it, pet?

DRUSILLA
It's beautiful. Sparkly…

SPIKE
Nothing but the best for my -

He's cut off as a BLOODY HUMAN HEART falls on the table before DRU with a sickening, wet plop. Drusilla's eyes widen with absolute delight and we see ANGEL standing at her side, grinning.

ANGEL
Happy Valentine's Day, Dru.

DRUSILLA
Ooooh! Angel… It's still warm.

ANGEL
I knew you'd like it. I found it in a
quaint little shop-girl.

Angel grabs the necklace Spike got Dru from the box.

ANGEL
Cute.

He leans over to Dru with the necklace in hand. Looks to Spike.

ANGEL
Here. I'll just…

He starts to fasten the necklace around Dru's neck. Spike rolls closer.

SPIKE
Leave it. I'll get it.

ANGEL
Done.
(to Spike)
I know Dru gives you pity access -
but you have to admit, it's so much
easier when I do things for her.

Spike seethes. Snaps at Angel.

SPIKE
You'd do well to worry less about Dru
and more about that slayer you tramped
around with.

ANGEL
(smiles fondly)
Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to decide
the best way to send my regards…

SPIKE
You could rip her lungs out. That might
make an impression.

ANGEL
It lacks poetry.

SPIKE
It doesn't have to.
(to Dru)
What rhymes with lungs?

DRUSILLA
Don't worry, Spike. Angel will find his
way…
(looks at the heart)
In time Angel always finds what speaks
to a girl.

INT. THE BRONZE - NIGHT

The Bronze is DECKED OUT for a VALENTINE'S DAY DANCE.

DINGOES ATE MY BABIES play on stage, OZ up front.

XANDER and WILLOW sit at a table. Xander, elegantly dressed and groomed, fidgets nervously with a SMALL GIFT BOX.

Willow watches the band, enraptured. OZ sees her. Smiles. Willow smiles back - gets that "googley" feeling.

WILLOW
(to Xander)
I think I'm a groupie.

Xander smiles at her, then goes back to being nervous.

ON CORDELIA

Who enter, looking drop-dead. She sees HARMONY and the CORDETTES. Starts to approach. But they all turn their backs on her. Cordy stops, hurt. At a loss.

INT. BUFFY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Buffy and her mother are splayed out in front of the tube. A prodigious pile of junk food surrounds them. They are nearly comatose with fullness.

JOYCE
Pass me the Malomars.

BUFFY
(doesn't move)
I can't.

JOYCE
(doesn't move)
Good.

The doorbell rings. Buffy pulls herself off the couch with great effort.

EXT. BUFFY'S PORCH - NIGHT

Buffy opens the door. Nothing but the chilly night breeze. She looks around, suddenly alert.

INT. BUFFY'S HALLWAY/LIVING ROOM - CONT

Buffy closes the door. Sees that the television now chatters to an EMPTY ROOM. Her mom is nowhere to be seen.

BUFFY
Mom?

Silence.

INT. BUFFY'S KITCHEN - CONT

Buffy moves through the kitchen cautiously. A noise SPINS her around - but it's just a tree branch scratching the window.

She takes a few steps back. We can see behind her, but she can not, that the back door is OPENING. She walks smack into -

JOYCE

Buffy SHOUTS. SPINS - ready to FIGHT.

JOYCE
Buffy! It's me.

BUFFY
(letting down)
Sorry… You startled me.

JOYCE
I - I went to check the back door.

She lifts a LONG BLACK FLOWER BOX. Hands it to Buffy.

JOYCE
Somebody left these for you.

Buffy takes the box - cautiously opens it.

CLOSE ON THE BOX

A dozen beautiful, blood red roses. And a card - "SOON."

OFF BUFFY

Dread creeping over her features.

INT. THE BRONZE - NIGHT

Xander spots Cordelia. Takes a deep breath and approaches.

XANDER
Hey.

CORDELIA
Your clothes. You look so nice.

XANDER
I let Buffy dress me.
(off her look)
Well, not physically…

CORDELIA
Perfect. You just had to make this
harder, didn't you?

A beat. Xander is perplexed.

XANDER
Okay. Clearly the fact that I please
you visually got us off on the wrong
foot here.

CORDELIA
Xander -

XANDER
Let me finish. I've been thinking a lot
about us. The why and the wherefore.
And, you know - once, twice. A
kissy here. A kissy there. You can
chalk it up to hormones. But hormones
only take you so far.
(then)
Okay. Really far. And maybe that's
all we have here. Tawdry teen lust.
(sincere)
But maybe - not. Maybe something in
you sees something… special in me.
And visa versa. I mean, I think I do.
See something. So -

He thrusts the gift box into her hands. Struck dumb, Cordelia opens it. Pulls the silver heart from it.

CORDELIA
(pained)
Xander. Thank you. It's beautiful.
I want to break up.

XANDER
(stunned/re: necklace)
Not really the reaction I was going for.

CORDELIA
I'm sorry. I really am. It's just - who
are we kidding? I mean, even if parts
of us do see specialness… We just don't
fit.

XANDER
(anger growing)
Yeah, okay - you know what's a good
day to break up with someone? Any
day besides Valentine's Day
. Were
you just running low on dramatic irony?

CORDELIA
I know. I didn't mean to do it like this -

Xander reacts. Tries hard to maintain.

XANDER
Well you did.

He walks off. Cordelia looks down at the heart.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

Xander walks down the hall, a picture of misery. A few girls who were at the Bronze the night before pass, giggle. A JOCK that he passes slaps him on the back and says with incongruous bonhomie:

JOCK
Dude! Way to get dumped!

Xander sucks it up. Walks on. Then he sees BUFFY, who is power-freaked after her visit from Angel.

XANDER
Buffy. My bud. You would not
believe the kind of day -

BUFFY
(cutting him off)
I can't talk right now. It's Angel.

XANDER
Well, do you need help?

BUFFY
It's all right.

She leaves him in the dust. Then Xander sees CORDELIA, HARMONY and the Cordettes standing near by. Harmony smirks.

HARMONY
Gee, Xander, maybe you should learn
a second language so that more girls
can reject you.

Cordelia looks away, ashamed, as Harmony and the Cordettes crack up.

That's it. Xander turns and goes throught the doors to the hall.

INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY - DAY

As soon as he is in he passes AMY. He stops her, grabbing her arm. Sudden purpose in his eyes.

AMY
What are you doing?

Xander backs her slightly against the wall.

XANDER
Amy! Good to see you! You're a witch.

AMY
No, I'm not! That was my mom,
remember?

XANDER
I'm thinking it runs in the family. I
saw you working that mojo on Miss
Beakman. Maybe I should tell
someone about that.

AMY
That's not even - I never - that's so
mean!

XANDER
Blackmail is such an ugly word.

AMY
I didn't say blackmail.

XANDER
Yeah, well I'm about to blackmail you
so I thought I'd bring it up.

AMY
What do you want?

XANDER
What do I want? I want a little respect
around here. I want - for once - to
come out ahead. I want the hellmouth
working for me.

He looks at Cordy through the glass in the doors.

XANDER
You and me, Amy… We're gonna cast
a little spell.

BLACK OUT

END OF ACT ONE
Act Two

INT. EMPTY CLASSROOM - DAY

Amy is looking at Xander, perplexed.

AMY
A love spell?

XANDER
Just the basic. You know - can't eat,
can't sleep, can't breathe anything but
little old moi.

AMY
That kind of thing is the hardest. I
mean, to make someone love you for
all eternity -

XANDER
Whoa. Back up. Who said anything
about eternity? A man can only talk
self-tanning lotion for so long
before his head explodes.

AMY
Then - I don't get it. If you don't want
to be with her forever - what's the
point?

XANDER
The point is - I want her to want me.
Desperately. Then I can break up with
her and subject her to the same hell
she's putting me through.

AMY
I don't know, Xander. Intent has to
be pure with love spells.

XANDER
Right. I intend revenge. Pure as the
driven snow. Now are you going to
play or do we need to chat some
more about invisible homework?

Amy knows she's beat.

AMY
I'll need something of hers. A personal
object.

INT. LIBRARY - DAY

Buffy enters - drops the card that Angel left for her on the book GILES is reading. He picks it up - looks at it.

BUFFY
"Soon?" Soon what, Giles? I mean,
you never held back on me until the
big, bad thing in the dark became my
ex-honey.

GILES
Where did this come from?

BUFFY
He said it with flowers.
(off his look)
This is no time to start being protective
guy. I can't just hang around - and I
can't prepare when I don't know what's
coming.

Giles finally nods gravely.

GILES
Of course - you're right. Sit down.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

Cordy is walking down the hall when she sees Xander marching toward her, purposeful. She starts to go the other direction - but Xander cuts her off.

XANDER
Don't flatter yourself. I'm not going
to make a big scene. I just want the
necklace back.

CORDELIA
What? I thought it was a gift.

XANDER
Last night it was a gift. Today it's scrap
metal. I figure I can melt it down -
sell it for fillings or something.

CORDELIA
You're pathetic…

A beat. Xander taps his foot impatiently.

XANDER
Come on. I'm not going to add to the
"Cordelia Chase Cast-Off Collection."

CORDELIA
(stalling)
It's in my locker.

XANDER
I can wait.

Cordelia HUFFS over to her locker. Opens it.

CLOSE ON CORDELIA

Who hides behind the locker door. Waits until Xander isn't looking and then, discretely removes the necklace from around her neck. She's been wearing it under her blouse.

ON XANDER

Who watches Cordelia SLAM the locker door shut. Move back to him with the necklace in her outstretched hand.

CORDELIA
Here. Thank God we broke up. Now
I don't have to pretend to like it.

Xander SNATCHES it from her hand. Moves off.

INT. SCIENCE LAB - NIGHT

The room is dark - except for the light of one candle. Amy has drawn a LARGE FEMALE SYMBOL on the ground in red chalk. Xander, shirtless, kneels in the center of the chalk circle, holding the aforementioned candle - which has Cordelia's name written on it. Herbs and such boil in a lab beaker. A picture of Cordelia sits in front of Xander.

Amy reads from her spell book.

AMY
"Diana, goddess of love and the hunt.
I pray to thee. Let my cries bind the
heart of Xander's beloved. May she
neither rest nor sleep…"

Amy drops the HEART-SHAPED NECKLACE into her brew. The brew ignites and starts to spew RED SMOKE. Amy starts to tremble.

AMY
"until she submits to his will only.
Diana! Bring about this love and
bless it!"

Amy is quaking with cosmic energy as she addresses Xander - her tone urgent.

AMY
Blow out the candle! Now!

Xander obeys her command. They are plunged into -

BLACK

A long, silent beat. Then - Xander's shaky voice.

XANDER
Great. Really. Good spell… Can I put
my shirt on now?

INT. LOUNGE - DAY

The next morning. Xander enters, ready for love. Then he spots Cordy in the lounge with Harmony. Saunters over. He stands near Cordy for a beat, smiling and preening. Finally:

CORDELIA
What?

XANDER
(all smiles)
Morning, ladies.
(seductively)
Some weather we've been having.

Cordy is obviously surprised by his approach.

CORDELIA
What do you want? You can't be sniffing
around for more jewelry to melt -
'cause all you ever gave me was that
Walmart-looking thing.

Xander's smile falters - he moves a little closer to her. Speaks softly.

XANDER
Is this love? 'Cause, maybe on you it
doesn't look that different -

CORDELIA
(shoves him back)
What is up? Are you going, like,
stalker-boy on me?

That's enough testing for Xander.

XANDER
Sorry. My mistake.

CORDELIA
Yeah. I'd say so.

Xander moves off, chagrined. Cordelia turns to Harmony.

CORDELIA
What is his deal?

HARMONY
I know. Did he cut his hair or something?
He looked half-way decent for a change.

Off Cordy. Confused by Harmony's comment.

INT. LIBRARY - DAY

Buffy is with Giles, going over further Watcher diaries.

GILES
Ah, here's another. Valentine's
Day, yes, Angel nails a puppy to -

BUFFY
Skip it.

GILES
But -

BUFFY
I don't want to know. I don't have a
puppy. We can skip it.

GILES
Right. Let me get the next batch.

He crosses to his office as Xander enters glumly.

XANDER
I have a plan. We use me as bait.

BUFFY
You mean, make Angel come after you?

XANDER
No I mean chop me into little pieces
and stick me on hooks for fish to nibble
at cuz that would be more fun than my
life.

BUFFY
I heard about you and Cordy. It's her loss.

XANDER
Not the popular theory…

Buffy runs her hand through his hair, looking into his eyes.

BUFFY
You know what I'd like? Why don't
you and I go do something tonight.
Just us.

XANDER
Really?

BUFFY
Yeah, we can comfort each other.

XANDER
Would lap dancing enter into this scenario
at all? 'Cause I find that very comforting.

BUFFY
Play your cards right…

XANDER
Okay. You do know that I'm Xander,
right?

BUFFY
I don't know… I heard you and Cordy
broke up, I was surprised how glad
I was.

She's very close to him now, and since you ask, yes there's heat. Yet her advances are more than sexkittenish - they're sincere.

BUFFY
It's funny how you can see a person
every day and not really see them,
you know.

XANDER
(enraptured)
It's funny. And it's just getting
funnier.

BUFFY
When you think about it, we make a lot
of sense -

Amy enters, somewhat timidly.

AMY
Xander, can I talk to you for a minute?

XANDER
(to Amy)
Yeah. Okay.
(to Buffy)
Hold that thought. Tightly.

He goes off with Amy.

INT. HALL OUTSIDE LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS

They stop right by the doors, Xander looking in anxiously at his newly affectionate Buffy.

AMY
Xander, I don't think the spell worked
out right.

XANDER
Yeah, we bombed. No biggie.

AMY
Well, we could try again. I'm still
pretty new at this.

XANDER
It's okay. You know what? It was
wrong to meddle with the forces of
darkness and I see that now. I think
we've all grown. I gotta go.

AMY
Well, we don't have to cast any spells -
we could just hang out.

XANDER
Sure… what?

AMY
Well, I really liked spending time
with you. You're so sweet… It's
funny how you can see a person
every day and -

XANDER
(his expression drains)
-- not really see them?

AMY
Exactly!

The wind goes right out of Xander's sails. In fact, his sails fall down. He looks in to see

ANGLE: BUFFY THROUGH THE WINDOW

Who smiles seductively at him as Giles reads something to her that she doesn't hear.

AMY
So anyway, I thought it might be fun to -

KATIE
Hi, Xander?

KATIE'S quite attractive, and clearly smitten.

XANDER
What?

KATIE
You're in Mr. Baird's history class,
right? I thought maybe we could
study together tonight.

AMY
Do you mind? We were talking.

XANDER
I really have to leave right now.

KATIE
Well, here's my number if
you want to -

She holds up a little slip of paper, but he takes off. A beat later and he appears in the frame, takes the paper and leaves again.

INT. XANDER'S ROOM - NIGHT

Xander races in and locks the door, exhausted and shaken. He moves to his bed and starts to lie down. But YELPS and JUMPS UP when he realizes that he is NOT ALONE. WILLOW sits up, smiles. Xander, wary, starts to inch for the door.

WILLOW
Sorry. I wanted to surprise you.

XANDER
Good job. High marks.

WILLOW
Don't be so jumpy. I've been in your
bed before.

XANDER
Yeah, Will, but we were in footie
pajamas.

Willow's manner becomes more and more sweetly predatory. This is a new Willow. Sexual, mature.

WILLOW
Xand. I've been thinking.

XANDER
Will, I think I know what you were
thinking, but this is all my fault, I cast
a spell and it sort of backfired -

WILLOW
(cutting him off)
How long have we been friends?

XANDER
A long, long time. Too long to do
anything that might change it now.

WILLOW
But friendships always change. People
grow apart. They grow closer.

XANDER
This is good. How close we are now?
I feel very comfortable with this amount
of closeness. In fact, I could even back
up a few paces and still be happy…
See?

WILLOW
I want you, Xander. To be my first-

XANDER
(weakly hopeful)
Baseman? Please tell me we're talking
softball.

Now she gets out of bed. We see now that she's WEARING HIS BUTTON DOWN SHIRT. She moves toward him.

XANDER
That's… dry clean only.

WILLOW
Shhhh. We both know it's right.

She pins him against the door. Tries to kiss him. But he turns away.

XANDER
It's not that I don't find you sexy-

WILLOW
Is it Oz? Don't worry about him. He's
sweet - but he's not you.

XANDER
Yes he is! And you should go to him.
'Cause he's me.

She nibbles his ear.

XANDER
Willow, don't make me use force.

WILLOW
Force is okay…

He pushes her away.

XANDER
That's it. This has all gotta stop. It's
time for me to act like a man. And hide.

He flees, leaving Willow in his room.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

A new day. Cordelia approaches Harmony and the others - but they give her the cold shoulder.

CORDELIA
Ha. Very funny. What did I do now -
wear red and purple together?

HARMONY
(cold as ice)
You know what you did. Xander is
wounded because of you.

They start to walk away.

CORDELIA
Are you tripping? I thought you wanted
me to break up with him-

HARMONY
You'd better look at yourself, Cordelia.
Only a sick pup would let Xander get
away - no matter what her friends say.

Harmony and the others leave Cordelia stunned. Finally she calls after them:

CORDELIA
What does it take to make you people happy?

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - ANOTHER AREA - DAY

CLOSE ON

SLO MO - a pair of feet move down the hall. COOL GUY music plays over. But when we WIDEN we see that the feet belong to a terrified XANDER instead of a hip love God.

Every person in the hallway is STARING at him. The woman all GAPE adoringly and the men all GLARE - enraged. Xander ducks into the library.

INT. LIBRARY - DAY

Giles sees Xander enter - reacts to his obvious agitation.

GILES
Xander. What is it?

XANDER
It's me. Throwing myself at your
mercy.

GILES
What? Why?

XANDER
I made a mess, Giles. See, I found out
that Amy's into witchcraft? And I was
hurt, I guess, so I made her put the
love whammy on Cordy. But it backfired.
And now every woman in Sunnydale
wants to make me her cuddle-monkey.
Which may sound swell on paper but -

Calendar enters - marches up to GILES.

CALENDAR
Rupert. We need to talk.
(notices Xander)
Hey, Xander. Nice shirt.

Calendar tries valiantly to stay focused. But is drawn all the while like a magnet to XANDER. As she speaks, she rests her hand casually on Xander's arm.

CALENDAR
Rupert I know you're angry at me and
I don't blame you. But I'm not going
away. I care too much about you to -
(to Xander, feeling his arm)
Have you been working out?

Giles grabs Calendar. Moves her away from Xander, livid.

GILES
(to Xander)
I can't believe you'd be fool enough to
do something like this.

XANDER
Oh no. I'm twice the fool it takes to
do something like this.

GILES
Has Amy tried to reverse the spell?

XANDER
I get near Amy and all she wants to
talk is honeymoon plans.

CALENDAR
Rupert, maybe I should talk to Xander
alone.

GILES
Do you have any idea how serious this
is? People under the influence of love
spells are deadly, Xander. They lose
all capacity to reason. And if what you
say is true, and the whole female population
is affected…
(then)
Don't leave this library. I'll find Amy.
See if we can stop this thing.

Giles begins to go - but remembers Calendar, who stares at Xander longingly. Giles grabs her.

And he takes off with Calendar in tow. A beat. Then Xander drags the card catalog in front of the library doors.

He steps back - and the door opens anyway, since they open out. Buffy steps around the card catalog.

BUFFY
Alone at last.

Xander looks up to see BUFFY ENTER, WEARING NOTHING BUT A RAINCOAT AND HEELS. The raincoat is tied with a belt.

XANDER
Buff! Give me a heart attack-

She looks him in the eye. Deadly.

BUFFY
I'm going to give you a lot more than
that.

Xander scrambles away from her. But Buffy's right on top of him. Moving in.

XANDER
Buffy. For the love of God, don't open
that rain coat.

BUFFY
Come on, it's a party.
(plays with belt)
Aren't you gonna open your present?

XANDER
Not that I don't want to… Sometimes
the remote, impossible possibility that
you might like me was all that sustained
me…
(frustration mounting)
But not now. Not like this. This isn't
real to you. You're only here because
of a spell. I mean, if I thought you had
one clue what it would mean to me…
But you don't, so I can't -

Buffy's expression shifts. A flash of DEADLY ANGER crosses her features. Fatal Attraction time.

BUFFY
So - this is all a game to you.

XANDER
A game? I - no…

Buffy's ire rises. She advances on him - menacing.

BUFFY
You make me feel this way and then
reject me. What am I - a toy?

XANDER
Buffy, please. Calm down-

BUFFY
I'll calm down when you explain yourself!

Buffy looks like she's about to inflict bodily harm - but then the doors open and AMY enters. Furious.

AMY
Get away from him. He's mine.

BUFFY turns on Amy. Seething.

BUFFY
I don't think so. Xander? Tell her.

XANDER
What? I - I -

AMY
He doesn't have to say. I know what
his heart wants.

Amy starts to move toward Xander. Buffy blocks her.

BUFFY
Funny. I know what your face wants-

And BUFFY DECKS AMY. Amy flies back and hits the floor, bloodied. Buffy turns to Xander - wild eyed.

BUFFY
What is this? You're two-timing me?

Amy starts to incant. Angry eyes boring into Buffy.

AMY
"Goddess Hecate, work thy will…"

Amy raises her arms to Buffy. Her eyes GO BLACK.

XANDER
Uh oh.

AMY
"Before thee let the unclean thing crawl!"

A ball of energy flies from AMY'S HANDS.

XANDER
Buffy!

The ENERGY EXPLODES as it HITS Buffy - engulfing her until IT AND BUFFY seem to VAPORIZE. A beat as Xander and Amy recover.

Xander moves to where Buffy disappeared. Looks to the floor.

CLOSE ON XANDER

Horrified.

XANDER
Oh my God.

BLACK OUT

END OF ACT TWO
Act Three

INT. LIBRARY - DAY

GILES ENTERS with CALENDAR IN TOW.

GILES
Good Lord, what was that -

XANDER
Buffy.

GILES
Where is she?

CLOSE ON THE FLOOR

Where a LARGE RAT, AKA BUFFY, emerges from the crumpled up raincoat. It darts this way and that, freaked.

GILES
Oh my God.

AMY
(glaring at Calendar)
Why is she here?

XANDER
Do you think we could focus for one
minute? You turned Buffy into a rat!

Amy moves to Xander - takes him by the arm.

AMY
Buffy can take care of herself. Let's
go someplace private.

Xander tries to shake her off.

XANDER
Can you…? I'm not going anywhere
until you change her back!

Now CALENDAR takes Xander's OTHER arm. Speaks to Amy.

CALENDAR
You heard him. Undo your magic trick
and get lost.

AMY
Who made you Queen of the world?
I mean, you're old enough-

CALENDAR
What can I say? Xander's too much
man for the pimple squad-

Amy fumes. Her eyes go black.

AMY
"Goddess Hecate, to you I pray-"

SLAP. A hand goes around her mouth. Xander.

XANDER
Would you quit with the HECATE!?

Still covering her mouth, Xander moves with Amy to Giles and hands her off to him.

XANDER
No more talky from this one.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

Cordelia closes her locker. Is surprised to see HARMONY, the Cordettes and a BUNCH OF OTHER WOMEN - of all ages and sizes - staring daggers at her. Harmony approaches, the others staying back.

CORDELIA
Okay. What now? You don't like my
locker combo?

HARMONY
It's not right. You never loved him.
You just USED him. You make me
sick.

CORDELIA
Harmony, if you need to borrow my
Midol, just ask.

Harmony slaps Cordelia in the face. Cordy stops, shocked. She turns to go and Katie is there, slams her back into the lockers.

INT. LIBRARY - DAY

CLOSE ON BUFFY RAT

Darting toward a safe corner.

ON GILES, XANDER, ET AL.

GILES
We have to trap the Buffy-rat.

Xander spots her. Follows her into the corner.

XANDER
Good, Buffy. Just…

He's about to pick her up when the library doors SLAM open and OZ strides in. He moves to Xander and PUNCHES HIM.

Buffy Rat, freaked, RUNS OUT THE SWINGING LIBRARY DOORS.

OZ
(looking at his hand)
That - kinda hurt.

XANDER
Kinda?! What was that for?

OZ
I was on the phone all night, listing
to Willow cry about you. I don't know
exactly what happened, but I was left
with the very strong urge to hit you.

XANDER
I didn't touch her. I swear -

Giles interrupts, coldly furious. Looking at the ground.

GILES
Xander. Where did Buffy go?

Xander and Giles both get down and look at the ground. Amy and Calendar don't move - they are too busy glaring at each other. Xander notices Oz's puzzled look.

XANDER
Amy turned Buffy into a rat.

OZ
(nods)
Oh.

GILES
I don't see her.
(to Xander)
If anything happens to her, I'll… Just
- go home. Lock yourself away. You're
only going to cause more problems
here. Amy, Jenny and I will work on
breaking the spells.
(to Oz)
Oz - if you could aid us in finding Buffy…

OZ
Sure. Absolutely.

Xander is about to speak. But Giles cuts him off.

GILES
Go. Get out of my sight.

Xander takes off - hurt and ashamed.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

Xander checks the hall. Sees the GANG of WOMEN, involved in some kind of ANGRY commotion. He heads in the OTHER DIRECTION, but stops as he realizes that the sounds are VIOLENT.

ON THE WOMEN

Gathered around CORDELIA. Now they are HITTING HER, PULLING HER HAIR…

HARMONY
You thought you could do better?
Is that it?

CORDELIA
No! I, no….!

FRENZIED GIRL
We'll knock that snotty attitude right
out of you!

A SHOWER OF BLOWS rains down on Cordelia. She SCRAMS.

ON XANDER

Who now sees that it's CORDELIA in trouble. He runs toward -

THE MOB

Sees Xander coming their way. SHRIEK with joy.

KATIE
It's him! It's him!

The mob RUNS toward Xander.

XANDER sees Cordelia KNOCKED to the ground. She's getting trampled… He has no choice but to go forward.

CORDELIA tries to regain her footing. Somebody KICKS her.

XANDER fights through the MANIC WOMEN, who tear his clothes, scratch and grab at him…

HARMONY
Stop! Xander! I love you!

Xander finally manages to get to Cordelia. He lifts her into his arms. She buries her head in his shoulder, crying.

Xander turns and encounters an ENORMOUS FEMALE CAFETERIA WORKER. She blocks his way. Smiles. A beat. Xander RUNS with Cordelia in the OTHER DIRECTION.

INT. LIBRARY - DAY

Giles and Amy sit at the table, with Amy's spell book open before them. Calendar hovers nearby. Giles is reading intently - but both AMY and Calendar are distracted.

GILES
You must have botched the ritual so
that Cordelia's necklace protected
her from the spell. That one should
be reversible. But where did you
learn animal transformation?

AMY
Why did you send Xander away?
He needs me.

CALENDAR
That's a laugh.

AMY
He loves me. We look into each
other's souls.

CALENDAR
No one can love two people at once.
What we have is real.

GILES
Instead of making me ill why doesn't
one of you try to help?

AMY
You don't know what I'm going through!

GILES
I know it isn't love. It's obsession -
selfish, banal obsession. Xander has
put himself in danger and if you
really cared about him you'd help
me save him instead of nattering
on about your feelings. Now let's
get to work. Jenny -

But she's gone.

GILES
Damn…

EXT. SCHOOL WALKWAY - DAY

Xander and Cordelia, back on her feet now, round a corner. Xander checks behind him.

XANDER
I think we-

They both stop dead in their tracks when they see-

AN EVEN LARGER MOB OF WOMEN

And this group is HOSTILE. ARMED. Led by none other than WILLOW - who carries an AXE.

XANDER
-lost them…

A moment as they face off with the mob. Willow steps forward. She has been crying.

WILLOW
I should have known I'd find you with
her.

XANDER
Will. Come on. You don't want to
hurt me.

WILLOW
Oh no? You have no idea what this
is like for me. I love you so much.
I'd rather see you dead than with that
bitch!

She MOVES TOWARD XANDER WITH THE AXE - but is KNOCKED OVER by HARMONY, who tries to get the axe away from her. Xander and Cordelia seize the moment and take off.

INT. SCHOOL BOILER ROOM - DAY

BUFFY RAT runs down the stairs and into the boiler room. A moment later, OZ follows, holding a FLASHLIGHT.

Buffy Rat disappears behind a furnace pipe. Oz moves slowly around the room, his flashlight searching dark corners.

OZ
Hey. Buffy?

CLOSE ON BUFFY RAT (AND/OR RAT CAM)

Oblivious - she runs along the baseboard. Sniffing. Doing rat things.

Then she turns a corner and runs SMACK into a GIGANTIC (to her anyway) TOM CAT. The cat HISSES, bares his horrible teeth. Buffy rat backs off and the cat moves off, disappears up the stairs and into the school.

Buffy Rat darts into a dark corner, terrified.

EXT. NEAR BUFFY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Xander and Cordelia race down the street. He looks over his shoulder, slows.

XANDER
Now I really think we lost them.

CORDELIA
(genuinely scared)
Dammit, Xander, what is going on?
Who died and made you Elvis?

Xander sees Buffy's house ahead.

XANDER
There's Buffy's place. Let's get inside.
Then I'll explain.

EXT. BUFFY'S PORCH - NIGHT

JOYCE, surprised, opens the door for Xander and Cordelia.

JOYCE
Xander! Cordelia?

INT. BUFFY'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

Joyce follows them into the kitchen.

JOYCE
What happened? Why are you all
scratched up? Where's Buffy?

XANDER
She's… around.

JOYCE
Well. Sit down and tell me about it.
(to Cordy)
Why don't you run upstairs and grab
some bandages out of the bathroom?

A beat after Cordy takes off. Xander smiles weakly. Joyce sighs and smiles back. And keeps smiling. Uh oh.

JOYCE
(brightly)
Let me get you something to drink.
Are you in the mood for cold or hot?

XANDER
I - uh -

Joyce stands, moves to the counter behind him. Then she turns, puts her hands on his shoulders.

JOYCE
I think it's more of a… hot night.
Don't you?

Xander drops his head on the table with a thud. Totally defeated.

XANDER
Whatever.

JOYCE
Goodness. You are so tense.

She starts to kneed his shoulders. She's bending down to KISS his neck when -

CORDELIA (O.C.)
What are you doing?! Make me yak!

Joyce snaps her head up. Looks at Cordelia coolly.

JOYCE
Go back upstairs, Cordelia. This is
between us.

CORDELIA
Gross. I think not.

Cordy grabs Joyce. They struggle - but Cordy is stronger and easily throws Joyce OUT THE BACK DOOR. LOCKS IT.

CORDELIA
And keep your mom-aged mitts away
from my boyfriend… Former!

Now Cordy turns to Xander - pissed.

CORDELIA
Why has everyone gone insane?

XANDER
Insane? It's impossible for you to
believe that other women find me
attractive?

CORDELIA
The only way you could get girls to
want you would be Witchcraft!

XANDER
That is such a -well okay yeah, good
point.

They are silenced when A ROCK FLIES THROUGH THE WINDOW. Then JOYCE's HAND appears, feeling for the DOOR LOCK.

JOYCE
Xander? Honey? Let Joycie in!

A beat. Then Xander and Cordy BOLT.

INT. BUFFY'S ROOM - NIGHT

Xander and Cordy SLAM into Buffy's room. Xander runs to the window. Opens it and leans out.

XANDER
Good. The mob still hasn't found us.
We should be safer up here -

He's cut off as ANGEL, VAMP FACE AND ALL, appears at the window, grabbing him and pulling him out.

ANGEL
Works in theory…

BLACK OUT

END OF ACT THREE
Act Four

INT. SCHOOL BOILER ROOM - NIGHT

RAT CAM (BUFFY RAT P.O.V.)

She creeps along, moves toward a bunch of CARTONS.

Suddenly into view comes A BIG, BAD-ASS RAT TRAP - with a TASTY-LOOKING HUNK'O CHEESE on it.

Buffy Rat sniffs CLOSER.

EXT. BUFFY'S ROOF - NIGHT

Angel pulls Xander closer. Gets in his face.

ANGEL
Where's Buffy?

XANDER
Cordy, get out of here!

Impatiently, Angel throws Xander off the roof.

EXT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - CONT.

Xander hits the ground hard. A moment later Angel lands gracefully next to him. Lifts a dazed Xander with one hand-

ANGEL
Perfect. I wanted to do something
special for Buffy - actually - to Buffy.
But this is so much better.

Xander KNEES ANGEL, who falters briefly but then BACKHANDS him - sending him flying. Angel pins Xander to the ground, wrenches his head to one side, baring his tender white neck.

ANGEL
If it's any consolation, I feel very close
to you right now-

Angel opens wide - moves in for the kill. Hands GRAB Angel and easily pull him off, throw him against a tree.

XANDER looks up - grateful.

XANDER
Buffy?! How did you-

But he stops when he sees his rescuer. Dumbfounded.

DRUSILLA

Smiles down at him. Extends a hand.

DRUSILLA
Don't fret, Kitten. Mommy's here.

Xander backs away from her. But she GRABS him, helps him up.

ANGEL
(furious)
I don't know what you're up to, Dru,
but it doesn't amuse.

Dru turns on ANGEL, seething. Petting a horrified Xander all the while.

DRUSILLA
If you so much as harmed one hair on
this boy's precious head-

Angel can't believe his ears.

ANGEL
You've got to be kidding? Him?

DRUSILLA
Now, now. Just because I finally found
a real man…

Angel shakes his head, uncomprehending.

ANGEL
A real man? I guess I really did drive
you crazy.

He fades back as Dru concentrates on her new boytoy. She gazes at him lovingly. Traces the lines of his eyes, his lips…

DRUSILLA
Your face is a poem. I can read it…

XANDER
Really? It doesn't say - "spare him"
by any chance?

DRUSILLA
Shhhhhh.

She BARES her VAMP TEETH.

DRUSILLA
How do you feel about eternal life?

XANDER
Don't you think we could start with
coffee? A movie maybe?

Drusilla smiles - bends to his neck. Xander struggles, desperate - when, suddenly, THE NIGHT IS FILLED WITH HOSTILE SHOUTS. Drusilla looks up - wide eyed.

THE MOB

Still led by Willow, but even larger than before. It now includes CALENDAR and HARMONY and KATIE.

CALENDAR
There he is!

WILLOW
Get them!

DRU AND XANDER are surrounded. Besieged by crying, violent women. Xander is YANKED from her arms. He and Dru are separated in the melee.

CALENDAR
Mine! He's mine!

Wild women rip at his clothes, tear at his hair. WILLOW watches - lover's wrath burning in her eyes as she twists her axe, waiting for her moment.

Now Xander's knocked to the ground and pinned by a LARGE WOMAN. WILLOW steps forward. Raises her AXE. Looks down at him, sorrowful.

WILLOW
All you had to do was love me.

She's about to bring the axe down when Cordelia slams into her, knocking her to the ground.

Cordy and Xander make it into the house, just barely managing to close the door against the FRENZIED WOMEN outside.

EXT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - CONT.

Drusilla is part of the MOB that lays siege to Buffy's house. She pulls the BACK DOOR OFF THE HINGES. Two women run in - Dru starts to follow - but SLAMS into an invisible barrier.

Now we see Angel, leaning against a tree nearby. Smirking.

ANGEL
Sorry, Dru. Guess you're not invited.

Dru, beyond frustration, SCREAMS.

INT. BUFFY'S FOYER - NIGHT

Xander and Cordelia don't have a chance to catch their breath before JOYCE appears in the living room doorway holding a LARGE CARVING KNIFE. She is distraught.

JOYCE
It's never gonna work for us, Xander.
We have to end it.

The other two women who came in the back run up and join Joyce. Freaked, Xander and Cordelia race for-

INT. BUFFY'S BASEMENT - NIGHT

-where they lock the door.

CORDELIA
Déjà vu much? Here's another good
reason not to date you. People are
always trying to kill me when I'm
with you! So - what do we do now?
Wait for Buffy to come?

XANDER
I… wouldn't hold my breath.

INT. SCHOOL BOILER ROOM - DAY

RAT CAM: the trap looms large. The Buffy Rat approaches.

ANGLE: OZ

Still searching for Buffy Rat, unconsciously sings to himself-

OZ
(theme from "BEN")
"…Ben, the two of us need look no
more… we both found what we
were looking for-"

INT. SCIENCE LAB - NIGHT

Again with the candle light and the red chalk "female" symbol. Giles and a sullen AMY stand at the lab table, with her spell book. A beaker boils with a new brew.

GILES
Right. You go first.

INT. BUFFY'S BASEMENT - NIGHT

Cordelia and Xander are nailing the door shut. We hear someone trying it.

CALENDAR (O.C.)
Xander? Xander, it's okay, it's me…
(sudden pounding)
OPEN THE DOOR! XANDER!

XANDER
Give me another nail.

CORDELIA
If we die in here I'm gonna kick your
ass! I mean it.

XANDER
None of this would have happened if
you hadn't broken up with me. But
no, you're so desperate to be popular.

CORDELIA
Me? I'm not the one who embraced
the black arts just to get girls to like
me. Well, congratulations, I guess it
worked.

XANDER
It would have worked fine! Except
your hide's so thick not even magic
can penetrate it!

CORDELIA
(quieter)
You mean, the spell was for me?

A KNIFE comes through the door right between them. Cordy SCREAMS and they both run down the stairs.

As they reach the cellar floor, glass shatters from the window, an arm reaching in at them.

INT. SCIENCE LAB - NIGHT

Giles drops a tuft of RODENT HAIR into the boiling beaker. Again, a great plume of smoke rises.

AMY
"Diana! Hecate! I hereby license thee
to depart-"

INT. SCHOOL BOILER ROOM - NIGHT

RAT CAM

Buffy Rat finally GOES FOR THE CHEESE in the trap.

INT. SCIENCE LAB - NIGHT

AMY
"Goddess of creatures great and small -
I conjure thee to withdraw!"

INT. SCHOOL BOILER ROOM - NIGHT

Oz is still looking around when he is flooded by light from behind a bunch of crates. As it dissipates, he steps forward.

OZ
Buffy?

Buffy is on the ground behind the crates, which hide her delicate situation from view. (i.e. nekkidness.)

BUFFY
Whoah.

INT. BUFFY'S BASESMENT - NIGHT

The door FLIES open, the women pouring down.

Cordelia and Xander back into a corner, Xander wielding a heavy wrench.

CORDELIA
Oh god…

XANDER
Get behind me!

INT. SCIENCE LAB - NIGHT

Now Giles adds some herbs to the brew. MORE SMOKE.

GILES
"Diana, Goddess of love, be gone.
Hear no more your siren's song!"

INT. BUFFY'S BASEMENT - NIGHT

Willow heads the pack that converge on Xander. He is buried under their tearing hands.

INT. SCIENCE LAB - NIGHT

Giles throws Cordelia's necklace in the pot. All at once there is a great CGI rush of light from every window and doorway in the place - all disappearing into the pot.

INT. BUFFY'S BASEMENT - NIGHT

Everybody stops, staggers back, slightly dazed. Xander is curled up in the fetal position. Meekly he looks around.

INT. SCHOOL BOILER ROOM - NIGHT

Oz approaches Buffy.

BUFFY
Uh, hi, Oz. I seem to be having a slight
case of nudity.

OZ
But you're not a rat. Call it an up side.

BUFFY
Can you grab me some clothes?

OZ
Oh, yeah. Don't go anywhere.

BUFFY
Really not an issue.

INT. SCIENCE LAB - NIGHT

Giles and Amy look around them. Everything seems normal.

Giles gives Amy a stern look. Sheepishly, she hands him the book of spells.

INT. BUFFY'S BASEMENT - NIGHT

Xander gets up, Cordelia coming out from the corner as the women look at each other, bewildered. Joyce, in particular, looks disturbed.

JOYCE
What… what did we -

CORDELIA
Boy! That was the best scavenger hunt
ever!

She smiles brightly at the others, hoping they'll buy it.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

Buffy and Xander walk.

BUFFY
Scavenger hunt?

XANDER
Well, your mom seemed to buy it.

BUFFY
So she says. I think she's just so wigged
at hitting on one of my friends that
she's repressing. She's getting really
good at that, actually. I should probably
worry.

XANDER
Well, I'm back to being incredibly
unpopular.

BUFFY
It's better than everybody trying to
axe murder you, right?

XANDER
Mostly. But… Willow. Won't even
talk to me.

BUFFY
Any particular reason she should?

XANDER
How much groveling are we talking
here?

BUFFY
A month, at least. This was worse for
her than anyone. She loved you before
you invoked the great roofie spirit.
The rest of us…

XANDER
You remember, huh?

BUFFY
Oh yeah. I remember coming on to
you. I remember begging you to
undress me… And then a sudden
need for cheese.
(beat)
I also remember that you didn't.

XANDER
Need cheese?

BUFFY
Undress me. It meant a lot to me, what
you said.

XANDER
I would never take advantage of you
like that. Okay, it was touch and go
for a minute there, but…

BUFFY
You came through, Xander. There
may be hope for you yet.

XANDER
Tell that to Cordelia.

BUFFY
You're on your own, there.

He goes off.

EXT. COURTYARD - DAY

Cordy and Harmony are back in lock step, the other Cordettes around.

HARMONY
Cody Weinberg called me at home
last night.

CORDELIA
Cody? The one with the 350 SL?

HARMONY
The very one. Said he's thinking
of taking me to the pledge dance
on Thursday.

CORDELIA
That's so huge!

HARMONY
Yeah! There's just two other girls
he's gonna ask first and if they
refuse -

They (literally) bump into Xander.

HARMONY
Watch it!

XANDER
Sorry.

A beat as he and Cordy look at each other. She looks down.

HARMONY
Excuse me, who asked you to share
our oxygen? God.

Xander starts off. Harmony calls after him.

HARMONY
I'm glad your mom stopped working
the drive thru long enough to dress you.

He just keeps walking, his face grimly set.

HARMONY
That reminds me, did you SEE Jennifer's
backpack? It's so trying to be -

CORDELIA
Harmony, shut up.

Everyone stops - including Xander, who slowly turns, as:

CORDELIA
You know what you are, Harmony?
You're a sheep.

HARMONY
I'm not a sheep.

CORDELIA
You're a sheep. Sweaters are
made from your wooly coat.

She moves toward Xander, turning back to face Harmony.

CORDELIA
All you ever do is what everyone
else does, so you can say you did
it first. And here I am scrambling
for your approval, when I'm way
cooler than you are because I'm not
a sheep! I do what I want, I wear
what I want, and you know what?
I'll date whoever I want to date,
no matter how lame he is!

She grabs Xander's hand and they walk off, leaving Harmony stunned.

ANGLE: XANDER AND CORDELIA

She is breathing shallow, terrified at her own display of independence.

CORDELIA
Oh, god, oh, god…

XANDER
You're gonna be okay. Just keep
walking.

CORDELIA
Oh god, what have I done? No one's
ever gonna speak to me again.

XANDER
Sure they will. If it helps, when we're
around them you and I can fight a lot.

CORDELIA
You promise?

XANDER
You can pretty much count on it.

BLACK OUT

THE END