(August 10, 2000)
Written by: Jane Espenson
INT. XANDER'S BASEMENT - NIGHT (NIGHT 1)
BUFFY AND RILEY, XANDER AND ANYA. Anya's arm is in a sling, but not a cast, following her adventures of the last week. The two couples are relaxing on and around Xander's sofa, watching movies. We can't see the screen, but Kung-Fu movie music and fighting thuds and grunts are heard. Buff has a history textbook, and is completely absorbed in it.
Wish I had something foodlike to
offer you guys, but the hot plate's
out of commission.
We think the cat peed on it.
I do have Spaghetti-os. Set 'em on
top of the dryer and you're a fluff
cycle away from lukewarm goodness.
I, uh, had dryer-food for lunch.
From upstairs we can hear a door slam
Huh, guess the folks are back.
From upstairs there is a muffled sound of a fierce husband-wife argument, punctuated by the sound of a plate hitting the wall.
No, No. I was wrong. Just
Another door slams and we hear a shouted fragment:
…like I'm gonna listen to your
Something heavy hits the floor above them and dust shifts down from the rafters. The muffled fighting stops for now.
Maybe it's time to start looking
for a new place… Something a
little nicer. Buffy, you've been to
Hell. They had one-bedrooms, right?
Buffy doesn't answer.
Hey, Buffy…how's that book?
Full of zippy dates and zesty names?
Riley gently tugs the book away from her.
Hey! I was enjoying the studying!
Who are you lately?
Give it up and watch the movie.
Well it has been a long hard day with the
crusades. Guess I could take a little break
from the violence for some….
(sees the screen)
Incompletely dubbed kung fu.
Our most valuable Chinese import.
Much more durable than their hot plates.
Watch the movie and relax. Here.
Riley moves Buffy around in front of him, starts to rub her shoulders.
Mmm. So good. More…
Xander sees the happiness that is Buffy and
Riley. He takes the cue, starts rubbing
What are you doing? I have a dislocated
shoulder and I'm trying to concentrate
on the kicking movie.
Xander takes his hands away from Anya. Riley
has been watching the whole rejection.
Hey! The rubbing went away.
Um…sorry…got caught up in the action.
Yeah, it's pretty good-
(then, off movie)
Oh, give me a break! See you'd hit the
big guy first, a flying kick. Then clear out the
little ones - bam, bam! Oh! Now with the
Riley's a little rankled.
Hey, Buff. Maybe you oughtta leave the work
behind sometimes. You're not always a slayer
on duty, you know.
Well, it would drive you crazy if this was an army
movie and they were all, you know, saluting
backwards and, and… invading all willy-nilly.
Another door slams upstairs. Another fragment:
…gonna run away, huh?
'Cuz that's what you do best…
The muffled fighting starts up again. Everyone tries to ignore what they hear. Riley clears his throat loudly to try to drown it out. Buffy pipes up, trying to distract Xander, who is clearly squirming.
Anyway, you can't blame me for being critical.
Willow's the same way when we watch movies
about witches, isn't she Xander?
(Still focused on fight)
What? Oh - yeah… She's all "What's that?
A Cauldron? Who uses a cauldron anymore?"
Xander tries to smile, but it's forced.
EXT. SHADOWY PLACE - NIGHT
A very tall and imposing demon, TOTH, stands in front of a bubbling cauldron. A hooded black robe hides his features. He pushes back the hood, revealing the strips of skin shedding from a black skull underneath. He holds something length-wise over the cauldron, letting the smoke curl around it. It's a black cylinder, about half the length of a baseball bat and inscribed with arcane symbols. Toth speaks in a deep and portentous rumble.
The last step in thy forging is my pain.
The price with which I purchase the death
of the Slayer.
And he plunges the arm holding the cylinder into the cauldron up past the elbow and screams skyward in pain and rage.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY (DAY 2)
Quite nice. To establish.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
The hallway of a nice apartment building. Xander, Anya, Willow, Buffy, and Riley are heading down the hall.
If you get the apartment, this'll be your hallway,
We'll walk down this hall going, la, la,
I'm on my way to Xander's.
Just warning you now, Xander.
I probably won't be doing that.
Really? I will.
Hey, we're just looking. The
rent's way high, so don't get
your hopes all carbonated.
But you have references!
No. I have Albert. Which is
me doing an important-voice.
Xander Harris? An excellent
tenant and a very nice - looking fellow…
Anya opens the door. Everyone follows her in.
INT. NEW APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS - DAY
Anya enters, followed by Xander, Buffy, Riley, and Willow. The apartment is great --well, it's not a basement anyway. A large living room - kitchen area, with a door to a bedroom. There is a dining table and a sofa in the otherwise unfurnished apartment.
Nice. And not subterranean.
I want it. Pay anything.
The BULIDING MANAER, a not-unattractive woman in her early 30s, steps out of the kitchen area and comes over to them. She looks at Riley and Xander. Riley is neatly dressed. Xander wears an untucked floral shirt. She shakes Riley's hand.
Oh. No. Riley Finn. This is Xander.
Xander wipes his hand on his shirt-tail and offers his hand. She shakes it, unimpressed.
I brought my friends.
They wouldn't always be around.
But we're quite and clean.
Buffy and Riley exit into the bedroom. Willow heads into the kitchen area. Anya is looking around the living area.
We could have Scooby meetings in
the living room. Giles can explain
the boring things over here.
Hey! There's a microwave in here!
It would be like having hot-and-cold
running popcorn. Only hot.
Xander starts looking around.
Phone and electricity are hooked up.
There's a private balcony, ceiling
fans, closet space…
Xander opens the door to the bedroom. Buffy and Riley are kissing just inside the door. They jump apart.
You guys. You can't save it
for the bedroom?
Buffy and Riley gesture expressively around them at the bedroom. (There is a stripped bed there.)
Okay, good point.
Xander heads back to the manager. Buffy and Riley follow him.
I brought an application for you to fill out.
An application? I can't just, like, tell
you my references? 'Cuz there's Albert-
We run your credit check based
on the application.
Oh, Credit check. Little check on the
credit. See how credible my checks are, ha ha.
And we'll be asking for first, last, security
and a small cleaning deposit.
The total's at the bottom of the sheet.
Xander looks at the total. Buffy and Riley look at it over his shoulder. Xander does a good job of not reacting.
But Buffy and Riley exchange a look-Buffy shakes her head slightly. Anya joins them.
He'll take it! Xander, go get the furniture,
I'll wait here.
(to the manager)
He lives in his drunken parents' basement
where something urinated on the hot plate.
Um, let's talk quietly over there.
(to the manager)
Xander pulls Anya to one side. Buffy, Riley are left smiling awkwardly at the Building Manager. Willow joins them.
We…um…we like the ceiling fans.
Very, you know, kind of Old south.
But without unpleasant slavery associations.
Xander and Anya's talk in progress. Xander tries to talk softly, but Anya is loud throughout.
But why can't we have it?
I told you. The construction job is ending,
I'm not going to have any money coming in.
And, by the way, you do have your own place.
So when I want to visit you I
have to be in that awful basement?
Not forever. Just until things come together…
But Anya just gets more shrill and upset.
Which is when, Xander? 'Cause
right now things are looking pretty
un-together and you can't expect
me to just wait around-
Quiet, please. Anya, what is this?
What's going on with you?
What's going on is my arm is hurt
and I'm tired and I don't really feel
like finishing the tour of beautiful
things I can't have.
With that she spins around and storms out. Embarrassed, Xander turns to the Building Manager.
Guess I'll just start on that
application. Think you'll like it.
I've been told I have lovely penmanship.
Looking very skeptical, the manager hands him the application.
INT. "THE MAGIC BOX" - DAY
GILES is alone in the closed shop, dressed down, sleeves rolled up for a day of inventory and clean-up. Most of the shelves are empty, but there are some dusty books, some jumbled vials of powder, etc. Giles rummages around in the contents of a cardboard box, hauling out handfuls of amulets, their chains all knotted together. On the side of the box is a black magic-marker scrawl: "Charms, Orbs, Misc. Curses."
"Miscellaneous curses." Brilliant.
Be lucky not to curse my hands right off.
Giles picks up the box, turns, and FINDS HIMSELF FACE-TO-CHEST WITH THE VERY TALL DEMON TOTH. Toth carries his rod-device.
The Slayer is not here.
Giles holds the box with one arm and starts frantically pawing through it. He seizes on something, holds it up. It's a rabbit's foot.
Rabbit's foot. No, wait.
Giles comes up with a heavy sculpture of a deity just as Toth swats the box out of his hand. Giles holds the sculpture up in front of him.
That is a fertility god. Feeble man,
you are not likely to strike mortal
GILES HITS TOTH WITH THE FERTILITY SCULPTURE. Again and again! The beating drives Toth back for a moment. But he is more surprised than hurt. He swats Giles casually, smacking him against a wall.
You are not the Slayer.
You do not concern me
Toth sweeps out, his robe all billowy and evil behind him.
INT. "THE MAGIC BOX" - LATER - DAY
Willow pages through some of the shop's collection of books. Buffy, Riley, and Xander watch as Giles demonstrates how he fought off the demon. Giles swings the sculpture wildly.
Like this… and this!
That's thing's pretty heavy.
It's Oofdar, Goddess of Childbirth.
Got some nice heft to her.
How badly did you hurt him?
Giles sets down the sculpture.
Well, hurt… maybe not hurt…
I'm sure he was startled.
Yes, yes, I imagine it gave him rather a turn.
He ran away, right?
Sort of, more… turned and swept
out majestically, I suppose. Said
I didn't concern him.
So a mythic triumph over a
completely indifferent foe?
Well, I'm not dead or unconscious,
so I say bravo for me.
Willow hands Giles one of the books.
Good demons in this one. See if
your guy's in there.
Giles starts looking through it.
So you bought the magic shop and
you were attacked before it even opened.
Who's up for a swingin' chorus of the
"We Told You So" symphony?
Riley is taking a few practice swings with the sculpture.
Owning this place does seem
kind of dangerous.
Giles looks up from his book. He looks blankly at Riley.
He called you a toth. It's a British expression.
It means, like, a moron.
No. Toth is the name of the demon.
Ancient demon… very strong… last
survivor of the Tothic Clan. It also says
that for a demon he's unusually sophisticated.
Sophisticated? I talk men's fashion
with him while I cut his head off?
They're referring to the fact that he
does not fight barehanded. He uses tools,
devices. He's also supposed to be very
focused. An since he mentioned "The Slayer"
I think we know what the focus is-
Riley turns grim.
He mentioned Buffy? Where do we
find him and how hard can I kill him?
There's no mention of the types of
places he might frequent. But I have
an idea. He had a specific… olfactory presence.
So it's off to the old factory. I hate that place.
(off there looks)
I'm joking. I know what it means. He smelled.
Some demon rituals involving
anointing with oils. Was it kind
Hmm. Not even remotely. But it
was very… distinctive.
EXT. THE DUMP - NIGHT
That night. Buffy, Giles, Willow and Xander walk gingerly through the dump carrying crossbows and axes.
The city dump, where smells go
to relax and be themselves.
People say they're recycling.
They're not recycling.
I found a spell so you can't smell
anything. But it does it by taking
your nose off. So, no.
The group rounds a corner, startling SPIKE, who is rummaging through some discarded items.
What are you doing here, Spike?
Oh, there's a nice lady vampire
who's set up a charming tea room
just 'round the next pile of crap --
what do you think I'm doing?
I'm scavenging, ain't I?
Spike indicates a small pile of salvaged items. We can see a broken table and part of what looks like a mannequin. Spike holds up an attractive old oil lamp.
Spike, we're looking for a demon.
Very tall, robe, skin kinda hanging off,
What, you mean a great tall robe-y
thing like that one?
The Scoobies turn and look behind them. TOTH LOOMS OVER THEM from a nearby hill of garbage, holding the black rod from the teaser.
Die well, Slayer
Toth rushes forward as Giles and Riley circle around behind him, axes ready as Toth raises the rod.
Hey, big guy! Kick 'er ass!
Buffy sees the rod in Toth's hand - a fighting staff? She picks up a length of pipe. But Xander sees that Toth is aiming the rod at her.
A BLAST OF SPARKS ERUPTS FROM THE ROD AND A PILE OF GARBAGE NEXT TO BUFFY EXPLODES!
Riley grabs Willow's arm, pulls her away from the action. TOTH FIRES THE WEAPON AGAIN. SPIKE'S NEW LAMP IS HIT, SHATTERING IN HIS HAND.
Oh, very nice. I was on your side!
Toth has Buffy in his sights. Xander knocks Buffy aside just as a blast of magical force erupts from the rod. THE FORCE HITS XANDER. HE IS FLUNG TO THE GROUNG IN THE SHADOWS.
The gang run to Xander.
Man, you okay?
Xander struggles to his feet. Buffy looks around for Toth, but he's gong. Xander allows himself to be supported between Buffy and Riley. The group moves away slowly. As they go, and the others ad lib concern…
I'm okay…I'm fine…
The dump is empty now. Except that something lies half-buried in garbage, unnoticed. We push in.
It's Xander, still lying unconscious where he fell. So who just went off with Buffy? Stay tuned. For this in only the…
EXT. THE DUMP - MORNING (DAY3)
The sun is up. We hear the cheerful early-morning rustle and squeak of the local rodents. Tucked in amid the debris is Xander. He stirs, yawns, sniffs, his eyes still closed.
Anya? Are you trying to use
the hot plate again?
He opens his eyes, wakes up. Looks around.
EXT. THE DUMP - MOMENTS LATER - MORNING (DAY)
Xander, rumpled and stained, picks his way across the dump.
So, you take the bullet for the swinging
Scooby-friends and what do you get?
A pat on the head? A tasteful medal?
No! You get left for dead under a light
layer of moldy socks and banana peels!
He slips as he says the last word and falls out of frame.
EXT. XANDER'S HOUSE - DAY
Xander trudges down the outside stairs to
the basement door.
He rattles the lock. Nothing. He kicks the door. Hurt his foot. Hops up and down.
EXT./INT. XANDER'S HOUSE - BASEMENT WINDOW - DAY
Xander has to lie on his stomach in the dirt to look into the ground-level window basement. He uses his hand to clean a patch of dusty window. He is startled to see…
HIGH ANGLE ON : XANDER INSIDE THE BASEMENT
Combing his shower-damp hair. This is XANDER- DOUBLE.
Oh my god.
What - - No way! Who is … me?
What am I doing in there?
searches through Xander's drawers, pulling out shirts. He pulls on a shirt, finds a billfold, takes money out, puts it in his pocket.
Watches with dawning horror.
Buffy. Need Buffy
Xander scrambles to his feet, turns to run, trips on his shoelaces and falls down.
EXT. PHONE BOOTH - DAY
A corner phone booth near Xander's house. Xander searches his pockets as he talks to the operator.
No, it ate my quarter… Uh - huh.
But, see, I'm having this sort of
aggressively bad day… Ohh!….
I found a quarter! I found a quarter!…
Well, ma'am, for me it is worth getting
He breaks the connection, dials a number.
Come on, Buffy.
As he waits, Xander-Double walks right by the booth, not spotting Xander. Xander-Double looks good.
Work clothes, but nicer than jeans. Everything is clean, tucked in. Even his posture seems better. Startled, Xander puts up a hand to hide his own face. The phone's still ringing and he's torn -- hope Buffy picks up or follow his double. He hesitates, then hangs up, follows Xander-Double.
INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - DAY
Buffy and Riley in her bedroom. Buffy hangs up the phone.
They hung up.
She goes back to loading weapons into her weapon bag.
Okay, the guy wants to fight with weapons,
I've got it covered from A to Z. From ax to…
ze other ax.
She smiles at Riley. He forces a smile back at her.
Relax. Another day, another demon.
Right. It'll be good.
She kisses him. He kisses back. Right away, the sweet moment is spoiled by vigorous off-screen gagging noises. Riley and Buffy look over to see DAWN, standing in the doorway.
My friend Sharon's older brother knows
a girl who died 'cause she choked on
her boyfriend's tongue.
Go away, Dawn.
I'm not in your room. I'm in the hallway.
The hallway doesn't belong to you.
Get out of here!
JOYCE passes by, and DAWN stops her.
Mom, I can stand in the hallway, right?
She's watching us like a big freak.
Joyce rubs at her forehead.
This must be my two-teenage-daughters-
in-the-house headache. I thought it felt familiar.
Good work, Dawn. You gave her a headache.
I did not. Did I give you a headache, Mom?
I'm sure part of it is Buffy's.
But part of it is Dawn's.
It's so nice you've learned to share.
Now, you girls solve this yourselves.
It's good for you.
Joyce moves off
She didn't say I couldn't stand here.
Without taking a step, Buffy reaches over, swings the door closed in Dawn's face.
Buffy and Riley are alone again.
I guess I should go. I'm thinking
maybe the guy actually likes smelly
places. So I'm going to do a whole tour
de funky, starting with the sewers.
I'm coming with you.
I never told you this about me, but
I love the sewers. Probably get a
place there when I retire.
Riley, this Toth guy walks softly and
carries a big blasty rod. He almost hurt
Xander - I'm not going to let him hurt you.
I don't know. I don't like you facing
off alone with these creeps who come
gunning for you. I mean, first it was Dracula-
Dracula wasn't the first guy to come
Buffy Hunting. Lots of baddies want
the slayer trophy kill. I can handle it.
I know... And if you want me to stay
out of it, that's cool. But you can't
blame me for worrying. Your job makes
you a target. I mean, who knows how
many bad guys are out there just waiting
for their chance.
INT. SPIKE'S CRYPT - DAY
Spike is concentrating on something out of frame. ANOTHER ANGLE REVEALS that he's trying a halter top on a mannequin. Actually it's only the top half on a mannequin. It sits on top of a short stone pedestal. Spike puts a blonde wig on the mannequin. He steps back to admire.
He brushes the blonde hair out of the mannequin's face, almost tenderly, then he turns to walk away. He takes a few steps, then without warning he spins and kicks viciously at the mannequin. The head and torso fly apart.
The torso slams into the opposite wall of the crypt. The wigged head falls, rolls, stops at Spike's feet. He picks it up, holds it in front of his face, addresses it. (If possible, could he maybe get his foot under the head and KICK IT UP INTO HIS HANDS?)
Oh, Slayer. One of these days.
EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - DAY
Xander-Double arrives at a construction site on which the job is clearly almost complete. A row of hardhats is set up, names affixed to most of them with tape. Xander-Double finds the one labeled "Harris." He puts it on, picks up a nail-gun and goes to work. The FOREMAN approaches.
Xander-Double doesn't react. Maybe he doesn't recognize his own name. Or maybe he just can't hear over the nail gun.
Xander-Double stops work.
Harris. Sorry. Yeah?
In my trailer, okay? I'm talking to
all the guys today. Job's winding down.
Yeah. Right with you.
Standing half-hidden by a porta-potty. He watches as Xander-Double heads away, following the Foreman.
Welcome to payback, mister evil-plan
face-stealer. You take my life, you get
my being-fired absolutely free!
Xander-Double heads toward the Foreman's trailer. Xander-Double neatly avoids the hazards of the site, ducking under boards, jumping over tools.
A WORKER EXITING THE PORTA-POTTY OPENS THE DOOR AND WHACKS Xander on the head. Xander doesn't exclaim... he's used to it by now. He just rubs his head.
Harris? Where's your hardhat?
INT./EXT. FOREMAN'S TRAILER - DAY
Xander-Double takes off his hardhat as he enters the cramped trailer. The Foreman sits behind a cluttered desk.
OUTSIDE THE TRAILER:
Xander arrives under a window in the Foreman's trailer. The window is too high to see in. Xander jumps, can't see in.
Out of breath, he realizes this isn't going to work. He quickly rigs a platform: particle-board over some planks. He gets on the platform and looks into the window.
INSIDE THE TRAILER:
Xander-Double faces the Foreman across the desk. Xander-Double is playing with something in his hand -- a flat silver-colored disk. He turns it casually in his fingers.
How long you work here, Harris?
Huh. I'm not sure.
I guess-- yes.
And you haven't done much
construction before this, is that right?
Xander-Double is still playing with the metal disk.
Xander watches, cringing.
I knew they were gonna notice that...
Reflected light glints off the disk in Xander-Double's hand... shines onto the Foreman's face...
I gotta tell you that's surprising,
'cause your work's been first rate.
We've got another job lined up in
Carleton when we finish here. You
ever think about staying on full time?
Xander reacts with shock.
What? Why isn't he firing me-- him?
I was thinking I'd have you head up
the interior carpentry crew. See how
it goes. It's more responsibility,
but the pay is better.
That would be great.
Standing on his platform. He's heard it all.
A promotion?! But he... I mean, I didn't -
Doesn't he see the shiny thing?!
Agitated, he moves a little too much. The platform breaks under him. He falls to the ground.
XANDER-DOUBLE AND FOREMAN
Xander-Double and the Foreman stand, shake hands.
Good. Congratulations Harris. You and
your girl should go out and celebrate.
I already have an idea how.
Xander-Double smiles slyly to himself.
INT. NEW APARTMENT - NIGHT
The nice apartment Xander couldn't afford. Xander-Double is standing at the kitchen counter with the Building Manager, signing a lease. He is still in his work clothes, but he has added a casual sport coat -- he looks very put-together.
I was going to call you, Mr. Harris.
Let you know your credit checked
out fine. But I really didn't think
you'd be back.
INT. HALLWAY - SAME TIME - NIGHT
Xander is on his knees at the apartment door, ear pressed against the door, listening.
'Mr. Harris'? Yeah, right.
INT. NEW APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT
Xander-Double finishes signing the lease.
I'm sure you'll like the building.
Xander-Double takes the shiny disk out of his pocket, starts to turn it in his fingers.
I think someone said you're currently
in your parents' basement?
Right. And there's just a point where
you either move on or you just buy
yourself a Klingon costume and go with it.
She laughs, charmed. Light glints off the disk, reflects onto her face.
Well, I hope you'll be happy here,
Mr. Harris. We're certainly happy
to have you.
And if you need anything, day or night,
please call me. I... um... I'm leaving
my home number here...
Call me. Even, you know, for non-business
stuff... we could maybe do something...
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
Xander continues to listen, appalled.
She's coming on to me! Him! Please lady,
that is so not me! He's too clean for one
thing and his socks are all matchy and-
He'd go on but the door starts to open right in front of his face and he tops over backwards onto his butt. The manager hesitates in the doorway, giving Xander time to get away.
(calling back in)
Remember... any time!
Xander has to scuttle ungracefully backwards and then get to his feet and down the hall before the manager sees him.
INT. NEW APARTMENT - NIGHT
Xander-Double has just finished dialing.
Anya? You there?
Look, I know you're still mad.
But I figure you're probably sitting
there, pretending you're not home,
but listening anyway...
INT. ANYA'S APARTMENT - THE SAME TIME - NIGHT
Only a tiny glimpse of Anya's apartment, a corner with a short cabinet with an answering machine on it, and a few ancient Eastern ornaments on the wall. Anya stands next to the answering machine, listening as Xander leaves the message.
...But I have something to show you.
Meet me at the apartment. You know
the one. Nine o'clock.
We hear Xander-Double hang up. Anya considers what he said.
INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT
Xander-Double emerges from the apartment and heads down the hallway, tucking lease papers into his inside jacket pocket. Xander jumps from behind, knocking him off balance.
Xander-Double shakes him off -- Xander collides with the hallway wall, hitting his leg. Xander-Double turns, ready to fight. He sees Xander for the first time, and freezes. Then he hauls off and decks Xander. Xander goes down, but is not knocked out. Xander-Double stands over him -- ready to move in for more violence? But a noise further down the hallway startles him, someone may be coming. Xander stirs, starts to get up.
I won't let you do this!
You can't do this to me!
Xander-Double turns and runs. Xander collapses flat on his back on the ground again.
Oh man. I need Buffy.
EXT. GILES' COURTYARD - NIGHT
It's dark and it's RAINING. Xander, now limping, stumbles toward Giles' apartment. He looks in a window when he hears his own voice.
No, no. He looked exactly like me!
Xander slumps against the wall, next to the window and listens...
INT. GILES' APARTMENT - NIGHT
Buffy, Giles and Riley listen to Xander-Double. Buffy's weapon bag lies nearby and a map of the sewers is pinned to the wall -- looks like a strategy session got interrupted.
It stole my face. We have to fine it
and we have to kill it!
EXT. GILES' COURTYARD - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT
She sees it's not me.
C'mon Buffy... resist his spell... do this for me.
Xander hears them continue:
Don't worry, Xander. Whatever stole your face --
it has to deal with the Slayer now.
Xander reacts -- Buffy has deserted him.
EXT. CAMPUS - NIGHT
It's still dark, it's still raining and Xander is still limping and wet and rumpled and confused. And now he is also lost. He looks around at the campus buildings.
Stupid dorms, all sitting there, being all
the same looking. Where are you, Willow?
Just above him on the second floor, warm and dry inside the glass lobby of the dorm, Willow passes by, carrying a few books. He turns and spots her.
She doesn't hear him of course, and continues to walk. Xander runs, trying to catch her attention. But the glass wall is long and he keeps tripping over rocks and shrubs.
INT. WILLOW'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT
Willow enters her room, puts down her books. Suddenly Xander bursts into the room, dripping wet and generally yucky.
Don't be scared, Will. Just listen.
It's me, Xander. And I can prove it.
Let's see... stuff only you and me know.
Okay, for my seventh birthday I wanted
a toy fire truck and I didn't get it and you
were really nice about it and then the house
next door burned down and real fire trucks
came and for years I thought you set the fire
for me. And if you did, you can tell me.
And for a while last year I thought I was
lactose intolerant but it was just some bad brie.
And, by the way, if I had time to prepare, I'd
have way better material than this.
Oh! Every Christmas we watch Charlie Brown
together and I do the Snoopy dance!
Still dripping wet, Xander starts to do a Snoopy dance.
Are you just going to keep going?
Yes!! Yes! I will keep going until I have you convinced!
Xander, stop dancing!
He stops dancing.
A-ha! You called me Xander!
Xander, shut up. Why wouldn't I think you were Xander?
What's going on?
Okay. I woke up in the dump this morning--
The basement isn't a dump.
It's more like a really nice... hovel.
No. The dump. The city dump. Got hit last night.
Fell down boom. Woke up in the morning.
Nuh-uh. We walked you home last night, remember?
You walked... Will, did I do anything weird?
Did I wave any shiny things around?
Shiny things? What are you talking about?
Last night. That wasn't me. There's a double
out there. Some... thing that's stolen my face.
It's going around pretending it's me and it's
hypnotizing people. It even got to Buffy and
Giles and Riley. It's with them right now and
they have no idea.
INT. GILES' APARTMENT - NIGHT
Giles and Xander-Double and Riley talk. Buffy sits quietly apart, thinking.
What's intriguing is that there are any number
of demons with the ability to mimic a simple
form, but this sounds like more than that--
Hold up. Do we really have to figure out
what it is? Let's just go kill it.
Yeah. When the imposter is killed, the body'll
probably turn back into whatever it really is,
and then we'll know.
Toth. The demon with the creepy-stick.
Xander looks up quickly. Shoots a hard look at Buffy.
It's gotta be. He hit you with the blast and
somehow that allowed him to take your form.
Giles, couldn't that be what the stick-thing did?
I suppose... yes, it makes sense.
A shape-shifting device.
It does make sense. It must be Toth.
30 THRU 32 OMITTED
INT. WILLOW'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT
Xander and Willow sit and talk. Willow has spread newspapers on the bed and wet Xander sits on those, wringing out his socks into the trash basket.
It's a robot! An evil robot constructed
from evil parts that look like me and
are designed to do evil!
Uh-huh. Or, it's Toth.
Or, it's Toth!
INT. GILES' APARTMENT - NIGHT
Buffy, Giles, Riley and Xander-Double continue...
Well, I was looking for Toth anyway.
I guess now I start, you know, looking
Should I go with you? I told Anya to meet me.
I'd feel a lot better knowing she's safe from this creep.
Go be with her. If you were running around looking
for the double too... well, let's just say I don't want
to run into you and kill the wrong one.
Xander-Double is already up and heading for the door.
Good thinking. When you kill the guy you'd
better make sure you've got the one who's actually-
INT. WILLOW'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT
Xander is pacing listlessly now, flapping his wet shirt-tails to dry them. Willow flinches occasionally as if water drops are being flung onto her.
A demon. A demon has taken my life from me.
And he's living it better than I do.
But we're working on it. There's go to be
a way to get to Buffy, to un-hypnotize her.
I'll find a spell to snap her out of it.
Xander, you sound a little-- You have
to help me figure this out, you know.
But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
That's not true! Sometimes we all work together to save you!
(trying to fix it)
And sometimes you're not in trouble.
I'm just... another great humiliation. And this
time it's even worse. This demon, he's like,
taking my life and, everyone's treating him...
everyone's treating him like a grown-up. Well,
I'm starting to feel like...
Like, it's doing everything better, it's smarter
and... I don't know. Maybe I should just let it
have it. Take my life, please.
Xander, no! You're just tired and all soggy,
that's why it seems so hard. But you can't let
him take your whole existence!
Why not? It's not like I was doing anything
so great with it. When I get to the pearly gates,
I don't think the guy's going to go - "What
a kick ass comic book collection, come on it!"
What have I got that's even worth...
He stops as it hits him.
You think he's after her?
She won't know, he can just...
No. No way. He can take anything he wants,
but not her. I need her.
(wrinkling her nose)
He could be with her now...
He gets up.
Figure out a spell. Something revealy.
I gotta find her.
Xander, you already knew he was taking
over your life. You didn't think about Anya
'til just now?
As Xander exits:
Hey, wait 'til you have an evil twin,
see how you handle it!
Willow is left alone.
(to herself, meekly defensive)
I handled it fine.
INT. ANYA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Same small view of a piece of Anya's apartment. Xander enters, sweaty and frantic.
She's not there. He sees the light on the answering machine signaling there's a message. He hits play and hears:
--Meet me at the apartment. You know
the one. Nine o'clock.
Xander is genuinely shaken. He starts searching for something... pulling out the drawers in the cabinet, rummaging around.
Gotta be here. Where is it?
INT. NEW APARTMENT - NIGHT
Xander-Double and Anya are standing in the middle of the new apartment. She still wears her sling. Champagne is chilling in a bucket on the counter next to a picnic basket. A blanket is spread out on the floor. Anya is looking around her, trying to absorb what Xander-Double has just told her.
You're lying. It's a trick.
No. Trust me.
You really got this apartment?
I really did. And you know why?
The ceiling fans? They're very attractive.
No. It's because I knew you wanted it.
It's all for you.
He moves closer. She smiles. He kisses her.
Anya? You didn't see me today, did you?
I mean, we didn't talk?
What do you mean? I got your phone
message, that's all.
More kissing. Xander sits on the picnic blanket, takes Anya in his arms.
So what happens next?
Well, at some point we take our clothes off.
I mean, what's next in our lives?
When do we get a car?
And a boat. No, wait. I don't mean a boat.
I mean a puppy. Or a child? I have a list somewhere.
What are you talking about?
Just, we have to get going. I don't have time
to just let these things happen.
There's no hurry.
He pulls her in for another kiss, but she squirms away.
Yes, there is. There's a hurry Xander. I'm dying.
I may have as few as fifty years left.
Fifty-years-- what is this... oh, wait a minute.
This is about this.
He touches her sling.
What? About the sling?
You haven't been hurt like this since you
became human. Maybe it's finally hitting
you what being human means.
That's not it.
Yes, I think it is. You were going to live for
thousands more years. Now you're going to
age and... die. It must be terrifying.
You don't understand what it's like.
Being suddenly human? I think I can get
what that would be like. And, I think that
we can work through it.
You can't make it any different. I'm going
to get old and you can't promise you'll be
with me when I'm wrinkly and my teeth are
artificial and stuck into my wrinkly mouth
with an adhesive.
I can't promise that. But it doesn't sound
terrible, and that's saying something.
Anya kisses him. He kisses back.
I promise you, Anya, very soon you won't
be thinking anymore about getting older...
The kisses might turn into something more, but... Xander bursts into the room.
Get away from her!
Get out! You don't belong here!
She takes a tentative step toward Xander. Xander-Double grabs her by her uninjured arm and pulls her back.
Anya! It's me!
It's a demon. He stole my face.
He's trying to trick you.
Anya looks back and forth between them, uncertain.
Anya... you know I'm me, right?
Anya makes her decision. She runs to Xander-Double.
(to Xander-Double, re Xander)
What is it? Make him go away!
INT. GILES' APARTMENT - NIGHT
Buffy lifts her weapon bag onto her shoulder as Riley looks at a map of Sunnydale and Giles pages through a book.
So you're thinking we split up.
Right. You hit all the places he might
go to blend in as Xander. I'll keep checking
out the places Toth might hang--
Willow bursts in, out of breath, able to do nothing but pant for a second.
I swear, that time I know I had that locked.
Buffy! Toth looks like Xander!
We know it already. We're on our way--
Wait. Willow, how do you know about this.
He came to me. I mean, Xander did.
He's in terrible shape. We need to help him!
He came to us, too.
No! We each had a Xander. I mean you
didn't have a Xander! You had a demon
in a Xander-suit!
But, wait, what make you think yours
was the right one?
He knew stuff. He did the Snoopy dance.
Buffy, it was Xander and he needs us!
Giles looks up from his book.
Oh dear lord.
The other ignore him.
Buffy... Our Xander. Did he seem a little...
He was kind of... forceful and confident.
That's not Xander!
I said oh dear lord.
You always say that.
Well, it's always important! Neither
one of the Xanders is a demon.
Um... is one of them a robot?
What? No. The rod device, it's called a
Ferula-gemina. It splits one person into
half, distilling personality traits into two
separate bodies. As near as I can tell
Toth was attempting to split the Slayer
into two different entities.
Yes, one of them with all the qualities
inherent in Buffy Summers. The other
with everything that belongs to the
Slayer alone: the strength and speed,
the heritage. When it hit Xander, I think
it separated him into his strongest
qualities and his... weakest.
But which one is the real one?
They're both real. They're both Xander.
Neither of them is evil. There's nothing
in either of them that our Xander didn't
I still don't get the original plan. Why do it?
The Slayer half would be like Slayer-concentrate.
But the two halves can't exist without the other.
Kill the weaker Buffy half and the Slayer half dies.
So, same thing for the Xanders, right?
Both of them need to stay alive or they both die.
INT. NEW APARTMENT - NIGHT
The two Xanders face each other warily. Anya stands at Xander-Double's side.
He's the demon! Or possibly a robot!
Look at me Anya! Look in my eyes!
Can't you see it's me?
Anya hesitates. She thought she was sure, but...
I don't know.
Please! Look at him! Listen to him!
He's all smooth! You have to know me!
Xander-Double pulls Anya in closer, possessively.
Don't worry Anya. I'll get rid of this thing.
I'm thinking this is gonna last about fifteen seconds.
Xander-Double releases Anya and takes a threatening step toward Xander.
I'm thinking less.
As he speaks, XANDER PULLS OUT A GUN AND POINTS IT AT HIS DOUBLE.
INT. NEW APARTMENT - NIGHT
The two Xanders and Anya where we left them: Xander with his gun leveled at Xander-Double.
No! Don't shoot him!
Anya rushes at Xander, KNOCKING HIS ARM ASIDE. SHE AND XANDER GRAPPLE OVER THE GUM
INT. GILES' NEW CAR - NIGHT
Riley and Buffy in Giles' car, racing to Xander's apartment.
Can't this thing go any faster?
Ultimate Driving Machine my ass.
We're pushing seventy.
Hey, Riley. Do you wish --
No? You don't even know what I was going to say!
Yes, I do. You wanted to know if I wished
you got hit by the Ferula-gemina. Got split in two.
Well, you have been kinda rankly about the
whole "Slayer" gig. Instead of Slayer Buffy
you could have Buffy Buffy.
I have Buffy Buffy. Being the slayer is part
of who you are. You keep thinking I don't get
that, but --
I just know how unfun it can be.
Bad hours, frequent bruising, cranky monsters-
Buffy, if you led a perfectly normal life,
you wouldn't be half as crazy as you are.
I gotta have that. I'm talking toes, elbows,
the whole bad-ice-skating-movie obsession,
everything. There's no part of you I'm not
in love with.
Buffy thinks about his answer. After a quiet beat... she allows herself a little smile. Then:
We better get there soon.
If Xander kills himself, he's dead.
You know what I mean.
INT. NEW APARTMENT - NIGHT
Xander-Double looks on as Xander and Anya grapple over the gun.
Let go! I have to kill the demon-bot!
Anya wrenches the gun from his hand and it falls to the ground. Xander-Double scoops it up. He points it cooly at Xander.
Anya, get out of the way.
Startled by his cold determination, Anya steps away. Suddenly, Buffy and Riley burst in! Riley is carrying Buffy's weapon's bag.
Both Xanders turn and look.
It's all right Buffy, I have him.
No! Buffy! I'm me! Help me!
That's my gun! He has my gun!
You own a gun?
Xander-- Gun-holding Xander.
Give it to me.
Xander-Double hesitates, his finger hovering over the trigger. Finally he flips the gun expertly in his hand, expelling the bullets onto the ground and handing Buffy the now-unloaded gun. Buffy hands it to Riley who tucks it into his waistband.
Buffy! Which one's real?
No. I am.
Xander, infuriated, launches himself physically at Xander-Double. Buffy grabs him mid-launch and throws him up against a wall.
She grabs Xander-Double, puts him up against the wall next to Xander.
She holds them both pinned motionless against the wall with a hand on each chest. She looks back and forth between them. Riley comes up behind her, looks too.
Yeah. Okay, look, Xander...s. You've been
split in two. You're both Xander. And you can't
kill each other. I mean you can, but it would be bad.
The Xanders look at each other.
He can't be me. He's all... fancy.
Buffy cautiously steps away, unpinning the boys.
We can prove you're both Xander.
Well, there has to be a way.
What number am I thinking of?
I don't think that's how to--
Eleven and a half.
Wrong. Oh! But, see?!
No. We're not the same.
We're all different.
Different properties went into each of you,
but you're both Xander.
What different properties?
Oh... um... sense of direction,
good night-vision, stuff like that.
But he has a thing! In his pocket!
A shiny disk that stuns and disorients!
Xander-Double pulls the disk from his pocket.
What disk? This?
Xander screams and clamps his hands over his eyes.
Cover your eyes! It'll melt your brain!
Buffy takes the disk from Xander-Double and pries Xander's hands away. She shows him the disk.
It's a nickel someone flattened on a railroad
track. I found it on the construction site and
I thought it was cool. It's not magic.
Xander takes it.
No! It-- Huh. It is kinda cool. Washington's
still there, but he's all smooshy. And he
may be Jefferson.
Isn't anyone going to tell me why there are two Xanders?
We'll explain on the way to Giles--
Suddenly, TOTH BLASTS INTO THE ROOM, using the rode device to blow open the door with a CRASH. He sweeps in through the resulting smoke.
I will not miss again, Slayer.
Oh great. Rod boy.
Xander quickly steps behind Xander-Double.
The gun! Pick up the little gun-pieces!
Toth aims the rod at Buffy and fires. She FLIPS out of the way and the blast leaves a harmless charred area on the rug.
Hey! I just made a small cleaning deposit!
Toth is aiming again when Riley comes out of nowhere and jumps his from behind, attempting to disarm him. Toth throws Riley aside easily, but the distraction allows Buffy to catch him by surprise. She catches him with a flying kick, follows up with punches... and finally sweeps his feet out from under him.
Riley is at her weapons bag. He opens it and tosses her the sword.
ANGLE ON: THE XANDERS
Wincing at the off-screen stabbing.
SFX: DYING GURGLE FROM TOTH
Out of breath and victorious, Riley crosses to Buffy. The demon Toth lies dead at her feat, the sword imbedded in it.
Oh yeah, that cleaning deposit's gone.
I was thinking the same thought.
(a brand new thought for him)
Hey-- do you suppose we're both Xander?
INT. "THE MAGIC BOX" - NIGHT
Giles, Buffy, Riley, both Xanders, Anya, Willow. Giles is drawing a pentagram on the floor with chalk. Everyone else is looking at the two Xanders. Xander-Double has put on the duplicate of Xander's outfit, and is just finishing buttoning his shirt. Buffy and Willow examine their faces close up, comparing.
Look and admire, ladies.
It's like... there's a little scar here,
then there it is over there.
It's all doubled. This zit, and this kind
of funny dippy place and this weird little
hair that grows the wrong way--
(same jovial tone)
Okay, back off, ladies.
Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it
make everyone want to lock them in separate
rooms and do experiments on them?
Just me, then.
So, you Xanders, you really do have all
the same memories, all the same... physical... attributes?
We're completely identical.
Yeah, we checked over some stuff
in the car on the way over.
Maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration
thing right away. See, I could take the boys
home, have sex with all of us, then we could
just slap ‘em back together in the morning.
(smoothly to the others)
No she's not! She entirely wants to have sex
with us together! It's wrong, and, and... it
would be very confusing!
Giles finishes the pentagram and stands up.
Now, we need to arrange the candles. Also, we
can continue to pretend we heard none of this
disturbing sex talk.
Check. Candles and pretense.
Willow, Buffy, Anya, Riley and Giles each take a candle, light it, and place it on a point of the pentagram during the following.
It's not like it'd be cheating.
They're both Xander.
Everyone pretends they didn't hear her. As the candle-business continues, Xander turns to Xander-Double.
Now, hold on a sec. If you weren't putting
the whammy on people with the shiny thing?
How did you do it? How'd you get the promotion?
Well I'm good at that stuff.
Hey, how about that girl, the apartment manager?
How weird was it when she called me ‘Mr.'?
The group has completed the candles.
We're ready. We should do it now.
What do we do if it doesn't work?
Kill us both, Spock!
They laugh, cracking each other up.
(aside, to Giles)
They're kind of... the same now.
Yes. He's clearly a bad influence on himself.
Summon the goddess, chant the chant. Let's do it.
Actually, it's not that hard. See, your natural
state is to be together. Toth's spell is doing all
the work of keeping you apart. I just have to
break it. You two stand here. Side by side.
Don't want you to end up with two fronts, do we?
The Xanders stand where she positions them.
You sure you know how to do this?
Here we go. Brace yourselves.
"Let the spell be ended."
You've got to be kidding. "Let the
spell be ended"? That's not gonna work! Oh.
Xander looks at himself. Looks around. There's only him.
I liked it the other way. Put ‘em back.
INT. XANDER'S BASEMENT - DAY (DAY 4)
Buffy, Riley and Dawn are helping Xander pack his things. Anya, not wearing her sling for the first time this ep, is sitting on the workbench, watching the activity. Incidentally, Xander looks a lot like Xander-Double in this scene, clothes and hair at their best.
Buffy, carrying an armload of clothes, approaches Xander. Dawn is packing a box in the near b.g.
You look good, Xand. Clothes, hair...
I think you came out ahead in this whole thing.
Will, I got a job and an apartment. If the hair's
grooving along with the new vibe, I'm okay with it.
I guess maybe we shoulda kept both of you ‘til
we had all the heavy lifting done, huh?
Yeah. But, really... it was too weird. And my...
Um... less cool half... a sweetheart of a guy, but
still, just on the clumsiness issue alone, I don't
think anyone would've wanted him around much.
Riley carries a heavy box by, and Xander helps him. Buffy also moves off. Dawn is left...
(wistfully to herself)
I would've wanted him.
Dawn picks up her box and exits. Riley and Xander carry their box to the bottom of the stairs (to be carried up later). Xander looks around the near-empty room.
I don't know. At first it's just a place,
and then you start to make memories
and then it's like... that's where Spike
slept, and there... that's where Anya and
I drowned the Separvo demon and right here,
here's where my heart got all ripped out...
I really hate this place.
Over by the workbench:
Hey, Anya, I see you've joined the
Yes. I'm feeling better and I anticipate
many years before my death, excepting
disease or air bag failure.
Ah. That sounds... good?
Buffy exits as Xander comes over and hands Anya a box.
Oooh, a present!
Not unless you want my collection of
Babylon 5 commemorative plates.
Which you cannot have. I just thought
you could help carry a little.
Me? Buffy has super strength, let's just
load her up like one of those little horses.
Fine. I'm just your slave.
Anya exits. Xander turns to Riley, smiles wryly.
How is it that she can always make me feel like
Suave Xander has left the building?
You two have your friction, but she digs the
whole package. It's obvious.
Still, I do envy you sometimes. I mean,
for the sanity. Not that I'm still into Buffy.
Not that I ever was.
Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am.
Like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody
else in the world. When I'm with her, it's
like I'm split in two -- half of me is just on
fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her.
Other half is so still and peaceful, just
perfectly content. Just knows: this is the one.
He pauses in his reverie, turns to Xander.
But she doesn't love me.
He says it without bitterness, merely with quiet acceptance. Xander doesn't know what to say.
Buffy and Dawn reenter, Dawn going for a nearby box as Buffy moves to Riley.
You got more for me to carry?
You can help me pack this.
Buffy gives Riley a quick casual kiss and then they pack the box together. Xander watches.