Buffy Episode #61: "Beer Bad" Transcript
Written by Tracey Forbes
Disclaimer: This transcript is done to give
the poor people that lost their WB station this fall a way to keep up with
the series, not for profit and no infringement of any rights was intended.
Night in a graveyard. Buffy is fighting with a vampire while Parker is
lying on the ground.
Buffy: Parker? Stay down.
She continues to fight the vamp while two other vampires grab Parker
and start hauling him away.
Buffy runs to Parker's rescue, knocking away the two vamps with high
kicks and fighting all three at the same time. Eventually she dusts
all three vamps. Parker walks up to her holding his arm.
Parker: Buffy, I don't know what to say. After the way I've treated
you, and now I owe you my life
Buffy: It's nothing.
Parker: It's everything. You're everything. And I'm going to do
whatever it takes to get you to forgive me. Do you think one day you
Girl (giggling) Noooo.
Cut to Prof. Walsh's Psyche class. A girl is giggling beside Parker
while Buffy watches behind them.
Prof. Walsh: These are the things we want. Simple things. Comfort,
sex, shelter, food. We always want them and we want them all the
time. The id doesn't learn it doesn't grow up. It has the ego telling
it what it can't have and it has the superego telling it what it
should want. But the id works solely out of the pleasure principle. It
wants. Whatever social skills you've learned, however much we've
evolved, the pleasure principal is at work in all of us. So, how does
this conflict with the ego manifest itself in the psyche? What do we
do when we can't have what we want?
Cut back to the graveyard scene again. Buffy stakes all the vamps.
Parker: Buffy, I don't know what to say. After the way I've treated
you, and now I owe you my life.
We see that Parker now has a bouquet of flowers and ice cream in his
Parker: Can you ever forgive me?
Cut to commercial
Cut to the campus during the day. Buffy is sitting at a table with
Willow studying. Xander holds a lighter up to Buffy.
Xander: Rough day? Come on Buff. Be a lonely drunk. Rough day?
Buffy: Stop flicking at me.
Xander: Work with me here. I'm finally an essential part of your
collegy life. No more looking down o n the townie. I'm the new
bartender over at the pub. Got my lighter, my rag, my empathy face
Willow: aren't you two young to be a bartender?
Xander: Oh contraire, mon frere.
Buffy: mon frere means brother
Xander: mon girlfrere. Behold (holds up a fake id) Behold.
Willow: I don't believe this is entirely on the up and up.
Xander: What gives it away?
Willow: looking at it.
Xander: Well no one's going to see it anyway. Now I'm the bartender. I
kick people out
Buffy: You know there's more to it than wiping and kicking. Mixing
drinks for instance.
Xander: Well, I've seen cocktail. I can do the hippy-hippy shake.
Buffy: Well, even if I've had a pretend cigarette I couldn't tell you
my pretend problems. The real ones have clogged up my headspace.
Xander: ooh unload em right here baby. Rough day? You wanna talk about
it? Shutting up now.
Willow: I'm pregnant by my stepbrother who'd rather be with my best
friend whose left me with no place to live. No food except this bottle
of wild turkey which I drank all up.
Xander looks confused
Willow: That was me being tanked and friendless for ya.
Xander: Gets my Oscar nod
Buffy: You know what? It's classtime.
Xander: So are you going to come by tonight to the pub?
Willow: Oz. Bronze. Date.
Buffy: You know maybe, maybe he's just having trouble dealing. I mean,
don't guys sometimes put the girl they really, really like inside
these deep little brain fantasy bubbles where everything's perfect?
They do that right?
Xander: How's that fugue state coming along
Buffy: Maybe I'm in his bubble and then pretty soon he's going to
realize that he wants more than just bubble Buffy and he'll pop me out
and we'll go to dinner and it could happen right?
Willow: Buffy. And as my best friend you need to stop thinking about
Parker. He's no good. There are men, better men, wherein the mind is
stronger than the penis.
Xander: Nothing can defeat the penis! Too loud, very unseemly.
Willow: I mean, I'm sorry do be so course but I feel strongly about
stinky Parker man
Buffy: He can be really sweet. I'm telling you I think he had intimacy
problems because of the death of his father.
Willow: Not interested. You got troubles, tell em to the bartender.
Xander: That's right. Cause the bartender's always ready to listen.
Cut to the pub:
Xander: What? What? Okay and you had a rum and coke, and you had a
poker's light. And a vodka on the rocks. And a water. Is that right?
Customer one (boy): Do I have to write it down for you. A glass of ice
water. A simple request? Ice water.
Customer two (girl): a cold ale, a Canadian lager, a glass of white
wine. And a daiquiri
Xander: Ice water, right. Do you want that on the rocks?
Buffy walks in and sees Parker talking to a girl. She walks right into
Riley, spilling his drink on him.
Buffy: Oooh. Riley, I'm so sorry.
Riley: That's okay you know, but most people go around. I'm not
saying you can't go through me, It's just that the other is much
Buffy: In my defense you do take up a lot of space.
Riley: I do. I'm (??). You looking for someone?
Buffy: Um, I just saw Parker over there.
Riley: right. Parker and his latest conquest. You know that boy should
Buffy: he's kinda a girl chaser huh?
Riley: sets em up and knock's em down. I guess maybe I'm old fashioned
but my father says that if you wanna be a gentleman you
(Sees that she's ignoring him)
Riley: don't even care what my father says.
Buffy: I'm sorry what?
Riley: forget about it. You know I've got some people waiting. I'll
see you in class right?
Riley leaves. Buffy sees Parker and the girl making out and goes to
Cut to Xander at the bar. Two girls are talking. Xander flicks his
cigarette lighter at a one of the girls.
Xander: Rough Day?
Girl: Nay, it's been super. We accepted Melody's pledge. And made her
an official sister of Beta Delta Gamma. And our pins arrived today. I
designed it myself.
Xander: You are so sharp.
Guy: Hey Paula. You keeping this fine bartender from his duty? A man's
gotta make a living.
Xander: s'all right.
Guy: So the guys and I are about to celebrate
Xander: Uh, I said it was all right. I'm due for a break.
Guy: Oh, so what were you discussing. Maybe we could all join.
Paula: Be nice
Xander: ah, forget it.
Guy: Oh, no I rudely interrupted and it sounds like the two of you
were having quite the meeting of minds. Possibly debating the
geopolitical ramifications of bioengineering. You got a take on that?
Xander: I've got beer. You want some beer.
Guy: Yeah, a pitcher of Black Frost. You see I think we have a perfect
venue here for conducting a little sociometry. A bi-polar continuum of
attraction and rejection. No given your sociological statuses. I
foresee a B rejects A dyad. I'm sorry, lemme clarify. You see, we are
the future of this country and you keep our bowl of peanuts full. We
are what these girls want. And uh, four glasses.
Xander: How's about I see some ID cause you're not seeing a drop until
I'm satisfied that
Bartender: Just give em a beer
(Xander pours a pitcher for them and leaves)
Cut to Buffy sitting alone at the bar. Xander sees her and comes over.
Xander: Buffy? Rough day? Wanna tell me about it?
Buffy: It's just . Parker's problem with intimacy turns out to be that
he can't get enough of it. And knew it. I knew what he was. If he were
tied and gagged and left in a cave that vampires happen to frequent it
wouldn't really be like I killed him really
Buffy: I'm a slut
Xander: No. You gotta stop being so hard on.
Xander: Sorry, so sorry.
Buffy: I'm better. This has helped.
Xander: Do NOT go anywhere.
She gets up to leave when a guy bumps into her.
Buffy: Oh, oh. I'm so sorry I just keep running into people today.
Guy #2: I can't imagine anybody minding. You're not thinking about
leaving are you? Because we have a strict policy against you
leaving. At least until you've had a drink.
Guy #1: Yeah, well what my friend is just saying is you shouldn't be
sad and alone right now. I mean you're a very beautiful girl who
should be covered with men. And, could we be those men? It's on us.
Buffy sees Parker leaving with the girl. She smiles at the guys and
takes a beer from them.
Cut to the Bronze.
Oz is walking through the crowd with two drinks in his hands. Willow
is sitting at a table.
Oz: Hey. You got a table.
Willow: I had to kill a man.
Oz: Well, it's a really good table
Willow: I copied out my notes for Psyche since you were so elsewhere
Willow: It's really pretty simple stuff. You know, just what's the
Oz: I dunno. I feel It's nothing.
They look at the stage where Veruca appears and starts singing. Oz is
entranced and Willow notices. It seems like Veruca is singing right to
Willow: We could go back to your place. I could make you soup.
Oz: No. That's okay I'm fine. Thanks.
They continue watching the band. Willow is getting uncomfortable.
Willow: Do you know her?
Oz: Veruca? No. I know their drummer. He's cool. I've never heard them
Things get more intense. Oz is mesmerized by Veruca.
Cut to the pub. Buffy is chugging a beer
Guys: Chug, chug, chug, chug
Buffy finishes the beer and burps
Guy #1: The thing that the modern day (?) failed to realize is that
all the socio-echonomical and psychological problems inherent in
modern society can be solved by the judicious application of way too
Guy #2: Black frost is the only beer.
Buffy: My mother always said that beer was evil
Guy #1: Evil. Good. These are moral absolutes that predate the
absolution of malt and fine hops. You see, wait where was I?
Buffy: I'm really not sure:
Guy#4: Well, Thomas Equines and (all the other guys stop him saying
Guy #2: There will be no Thomas Equines at this table.
Guy#3: Keep your theology of providence to yourself frat boy
Guy#4: I was just drawing a parallel between
Guy#1: Beer. Had the earliest morality developed under the influence
of beer there would be no good or evil. There would just be kinda nice
and pretty cool. Everything would be different.
Buffy: You guys really like to hear yourselves speak don't ya
Guy#1: Alright we're losing her guys
Guy #2: Say something i8nteresting.
Guy #3: Tell us about yourself
Guy#2: Yeah, what do you like.
Buffy: Well, I don't hate this for a start.
Cut to Buffy and Willow's dorm room the next day. Willow walks in from
the bathroom with a towel over her shoulder and her bath stuff in
hand. She seems upset.
Willow: My name's Veruca. I'm in a band. I'm Oz, I'm in a band
too. Oh, and this is Willow. Oh, how fun and creepy. Groovy. Buff,
have you heard of this Veruca chick? Dresses like Faith, voice like an
Buffy: (watching MTV) TV is a good thing. Bright colours. Music. Tiny
Willow: What did you do with Buffy
Buffy: I'm suffering the afterness of a bad night of badness
Willow: You didn't. Not with Parker again.
Buffy: No, with four really smart guys.
Willow: Four? Oh. Ow. Oh Buffy, are you okay? Do you wanna talk about
Buffy: I went to see Xander. Then I saw Parker. Then came beer.
Willow: And then group sex?
Buffy: (Hits her) Gutter face. No! Just lots and lots of beer. It's
nice. Foamy. Comforting. It's just beer.
Willow: Drowning your troubles over Parker. Mind frying man! He
deserves a slow and torturous death by spiderbites. Well, for today
we'll just have to throw spitballs at his neck in class.
Buffy: Okay. (Gets up to leave in her pjs)
Willow: Uh (stops her) getting dressed would be fun to.
Cut to Prof. Walsh's class:
Prof. Walsh: Next class we'll be moving on to personality types and
disorders. For those of you who have done the reading you already know
(sees Buffy's hand up) yes?
Buffy: She read the reading.
Prof. Walsh: well, she'll have some time on her hands. As I was
saying. We won't be able to cover it all in the class but that doesn't
mean it isn't work knowing and it doesn't mean it won't be on the
mid-term. Now, if I've been unclear in any way. Speak now.
(Buffy sees a girl eating a sandwich and she grabs it out of her hands
and starts to eat it)
Willow: Buffy!! Buffy are you okay?
Prof. Walsh: Good. Now before you go. Make sure you get the complete
worksheet from the TA. Based on that do (?) and hand them to me at the
start of the class on Monday. Buffy: (with her mouth full) Yeah, why
wouldn't I be.
Cut to a lab where someone is brewing something in beakers. We see a
glove turn a knob and fluid run down a tub into a vat of Black Frost
beer (what Buffy was drinking the night before).
Cut to commercial.
Cut to pub that night. Buffy is watching Guy#1 pour beer into her
Buffy: This good. Ooh, good enough.
Guy#1: Still more is good.
Buffy: yeah. Foamy.
Guy#3: You should come to our class on big thinking. It's good.
(They all laugh. Cut to Xander at the bar. A girl approaches with a
Girl: Boy, I'm having the worst day. You got a light?
Xander points to a no-smoking sign
Guy#1: I like girls
Buffy: You stupid
Guy#1: No, you stupid
Buffy: smelly head
Guy#1 pushes Guy#2 over. They all laugh and Xander looks on kinda
Cut to the dorm. Oz walks up to Willow as she comes out of her room
Oz: Willow. Hey. I tried calling
Willow: Yeah, I've been up at the library. How are you feeling?
Oz: What do you mean?
Willow: well, you weren't in class. Again.
Oz: Yeah, I was practicing. Hey Shy's playing again tonight
Oz: yeah, Veruca's band and they asked me to sit in with them. It
would be kinda cool if you were there.
Willow: Two Veruca shows in two nights. Are you sure you wanna share
your groupie? I think I'm gonna study. Because of the fun.
Oz: well, yeah I guess how I could see it be dull for ya.
(There's an uncomfortable silence between them and Oz looks confused
at Willow being so distant and cold)
Willow: See ya (she turns around and leaves)
Oz: Yeah. (He looks hurt and leaves)
Cut to the pub. Everyone is gone but the group Buffy is will
Guy#2: No, you stupid.
Buffy: No you. (They all laugh)
Xander puts some music on the jukebox.
Buffy: You (they all laugh)
Buffy: Hey! She runs over to him and looks confused. She bangs on the
jukebox and laughs
Buffy: thing. Like it.
Xander: It's time to go home Buffy
Buffy: Want more singing. Want more beer
Xander: No, I've cut you off.
Buffy: did it hurt
Xander: Out you go.
Xander picks her up and starts carrying her to the door. She
struggles. Final she walks to the door with him.
Buffy: Ow, oh, want beer. Like beer. Beer good.
Xander: Beer Bad. Bad, bad beer. What the hell am I saying? Buffy, go
home and go to bed.
Buffy: Say bye (pushes him)
Buffy: Bye (she leaves)
Guy#1: Hey, where'd girl go?
Cut to another part of the pub. Willow walks in and sees Parker
stirring coffee. She approaches him.
Parker: Hey. Did you want something?
Willow: Yes. I wanted to give you a piece of my mind. I'm tired of you
men and your manness. Buffy's really hurting right now. In fact she's
in need of a big mental tidy. Parker how could you do this to her?
Parker: Oh, I don't get what you mean. What did I do?
Willow: She shared something very intimate with you. And you act like
it's nothing more than a bag of some kind of snack food
Parker: Willow, I'm not sure I need to explain my actions here but if
that's what you want
Willow: Yes followed by an admission of undeniable guilt. But go
on. (She sits down with him)
Parker: some relationships center on a deep emotional tie. Or a loyal
friendship. Or something. But most are just two people passing through
life enriching or aggravating each other's lives briefly.
Willow: Go on
Parker: Just for one night can't two people who feel an attraction
come together and create something wonderful? And then go back to
their lives the next day better for it but never over analyzing it or
wanting it to be more than it was? I have. She should too.
Willow: People like Buffy a-and me assume that intimacy means
friendship and respect. People shouldn't have to ask first if you're
going to be eyeing other prospects tomorrow.
Parker: People shouldn't have to preface casual sex with “just so you
know I'll never grow any older with you.” It takes the fire out of it.
Parker: Willow, I don't regret what happened. Or what we did. But I am
sorry that Buffy's hurting and if I mislead her than I'm sorry for
that too I didn't mean to. I'm impressed that you care so much about
her. You're a good friend.
Cut back to the guys. They are getting more apelike.
Xander comes to clean the table and get paid for the drinks.
Xander: Alright, time to pay up and go home guys.
They throw money at him. Guy#1 leaves to go to the washroom. Xander
continues cleaning and picks up a wad of cash from the table.
Xander: Let's see, I'll take this one, and this one. And you know I've
always had a problem calculating the tip and you guys being so dapper
and brain, maybe you can help me out. Okay great. See if your bill
comes to thirty-eight dollars and people tip what, approximately
thirty percent? That makes you tip what? (One of the guys gives him
all the money). You are so smart. This is so the right amount. (Hears
banging in the bathroom). Somebody didn't have their fiber today. Hey
are you alright in there? Buddy?
Guy#1 bursts out of the bathroom. He has become a Neanderthal. He
conks Xander over the head with a club.
Cut to commercial.
Cut to Xander lying down and the Neanderthal guy on top sniffing his
unconscious form. Xander slowly wakes up and sees him. Cut to the
three other frat guys afraid and backing away.
Guy#2: Oh God
Guy#3: Let's get outta here!
Neanderthal frat Guy#1 yells in Xander's face and Xander yells
back. He gets up as the other frat guys begin to devolve into
Neanderthals as well.
Xander: (jumping up): Hey, hey, easy. We're cool. (They back him into
a corner) Help. Oh God. (He pulls out his Zippo lighter and lights
it. The Neanderthals are all afraid of the fire and back away)
NG#1: Fire bad. Fire pretty
Xander: Fire angry! (They all run away out the door in fear. Xander
closes the door behind them and calls his boss)
Xander: Jack! Jack! We've got a problem. The guys they they're some of
the patrons are turning into cavemen
Jack: They've had it comin (he puts some Black Frost beer on the
Cut to the campus. The cavemen are running around like apes, jumping
into trees and fighting.
Cut to the pub:
Jack: you know I've been taking abuse from snot nosed kids for twenty
years. They're always coming in here with their snotty attitude,
drinking their fruity little micro brews and spouting out some
philosophy Like it means a damn thing. Thinking they're different than
us. Xander: They are now
Jack: they ain't. That's the great thing about beer. It makes all men
Xander: Why are we talking about beer the guys are the beer.
Jack: Neat huh? My brother-in-law's a warlock. He showed me how to do
Xander: No. No neat. I served them that beer. I served Buffy that
beer! Uh, how much beer would you say a person would need to consume
before they start seriously questing for fire?
Jack: Relax. It will wear off in a day or so.
Xander: In a day or so someone is going to get killed. You're a bad,
Cut to outside. The Neanderthals see cars. One stands in the middle of
the road and gets hit by a car. He is seriously injured. The driver
jumps out to see if he's okay.
Car guy: I didn't see him, is he okay?
He sees what they are and runs away in fear. The other cavemen smash
the car, then chase some girls down the street while the injured one
remains on the street in pain.
Cut to Buffy's dorm. Xander and Giles are walking through the halls.
Xander: Well, I cut her off before the others so I don't think she had
as much to drink.
Giles: I can't believe you served Buffy that beer.
Xander: I didn't know it was evil
Giles: But you knew it was beer
Xander: well excuse Mr. “I spent the sixties in an electric Kool-Aid
funky Satan groove”.
Giles: it was the early seventies and you should know better
Xander: I'm not the dad of her. Buffy's a grown up. It wasn't enough
They see Buffy in her room drawing cave pictures on her walls. She
looks at them with a wild look and bangs on the picture she has drawn
of a man on the wall.
Buffy: Parker bad
Cut to the pub where Parker and Willow have moved to a couch and are
Parker: I don't mean this in a bragging way but I do get to know a lot
Willow: Well, getting to know people is good.
Parker: But I haven't found the one yet. I've yet to find the girl
that I can just sit with. Feel totally at ease. Feeling whatever's on
my mind. Or even sit with comfortably in silence. Willow, can I tell
you something kinda private?
Willow: okay, I mean I feel you've shown me a perspective I haven't
really thought much about before. What was it you wanted to tell me?
Parker: Just that I've enjoyed talking to you. Here. Tonight.
Willow: Me too. I mean, with you. You know, I'm wondering
something. About you.
Willow: Just how gullible do you think I am? I mean with you gentle
eyes and your shy smile and your ability to talk openly even to me!
Willow: This isn't sharing. This isn't connecting. It's the pleasure
principle. That's right I got your number ID boy. The only thing
you're thinking about is how long you can jump on my bones
Parker: Look, if you think that I'm
Willow: I mean, you men. It's all about the sex! You find a woman,
drag her to your den, do whatever's necessary just as long as you get
the sex. I tell you men haven't changed since the dawn of time.
The cavemen break in with the girls in tow
Willow: You see?
They knock Willow down and hit Parker with a stick.
Cut to Buffy's room again.
Giles: fascinating really.
(Buffy's going around on a chair and then falls on the floor. She goes
to the TV)
Buffy: Want people. Where people go?
Giles: The TV is off.
Buffy: Want! Want people.
Giles: She doesn't appear to be in any danger. Maybe you should stay
Buffy snifs Xander.
Giles: or perhaps she should be left alone.
Buffy: Boy smells nice (she grabs him and snifs him)
Xander: Yeah, I think we need to track down the fun boys somewhat
pronto. Jack said the effects of the beer would wear off
Buffy: Beer? Buffy want beer
Giles: You can't have beer
Buffy gives Giles an evil look
Buffy: Want beer
Xander: Giles, don't make cave slayer unhappy
She fakes a punch at Giles
Buffy: Buffy strong
Giles: Yes, Buffy strong
Buffy: Buffy get beer
Giles: Buffy get
Buffy tackles him, pushes Xander out of the way and runs out of the
Giles: I'm fine. Just get her
Xander: Which way?
Giles: Um, check down there. We have to find her before someone gets
Cut back to the pub the caveman have knocked willow out and have made
a shambles of the place. There is a fire spreading. Caveguy#1 is
leaning over Willow's unconscious form.
Caveguy#1: Woman. Man.
Caveguy#2: (waving a stick in the air) Woman!
Cut to commercial.
Cut to the pub. Caveguys finally realize the pub is on fire and start
to panic, not knowing what to do.
Cut to Xander running across campus.
Xander: Buffy! Buffy!
He spots her and approaches her. She looks confused.
Xander: Aha can't find the beer. Good. Freshman girls unable to hold
the beer shouldn't have it. Get into trouble.
Buffy jumps away from him
Xander: Hey, we're good. Remember the boy? Boy smells good yeah? Is
there any part of Buffy still in there.
Buffy starts to snif. They turn and see smoke
Xander: Oh no.
Buffy: Fire bad!
She runs towards the pub.
In the pub the Neanderthals have gathered all the girls in a corner
and continue to prance around, not knowing what to do. Buffy breaks in
but can't get through the flames. She sees a fire extinguisher and
gets it but is too far gone to know what to do with it so just throws
it into the fire. Then she sees Willow's unconscious form and
something clicks inside. She jumps over the flames and to
Willow. Xander runs inside.
Xander runs back outside because there is too much smoke
Xander: Where the hell is Giles?
Cut to Giles talking to a student
Giles: Blonde. Um, about this tall. Walks with a sort of a sideways
Cut back to the pub.
Buffy: Bad. Bad.
Buffy sees windows. She jumps up and works her way across some pipes
until she can bust the window open. The Neanderthals take cue and
start knocking things over so they can make a stairway to the
window. They all run out and the girls follow them. Buffy drags Willow
out and up to the window where Xander is helping the girls outside
Xander: Are you alright?
Willow: Buffy's still in there.
Back inside Buffy sees Parker. He's awake and coughing. He doesn't see
Buffy who is looking at a big stick with a lot of interest.
Parker: Oh God. Help me. I can't breathe. (He sees her). Buffy. Oh
god, what do we do?
Buffy clubs him over the head with a stick. She grabs his arm.
Cut to outside the pub. Xander and Giles stand beside a bench where
Willow sits and Buffy hovers over her protectively.
Xander: Did you guys have enough fun for one night?
Willow: Yes. Please.
Buffy: Buffy tired.
Xander: And was there a lesson in all this huh? What did we learn
Xander: Good, just as long as that's clear. Anyways I think that the
boys in the car are contained for the time being. This will give them
some time to ponder the geo-political ramifications of BEING MEAN TO
Buffy walks up to a van and sees the Neanderthals inside. She bangs on
the windows getting their attention.
Giles: whose van is that?
Xander: I dunno. Wasn't locked.
Parker walks up to her alive and well
Parker: Buffy. Buffy I I dunno how to say this. I'm sorry for how I
treated you before. It was wrong of me and I'm sorry. You were great
tonight, really. I might not deserve this but do you think that you
could forgive me?
Buffy wacks him with the club again and knocks him out.
The gang gathers around and looks at him. Buffy walks back towards the
van but Xander guides her away with the others.
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