Buffy Episode #73: "Superstar" Transcript
Written by Jane Espenson
Disclaimer: This transcript is done to give
the poor people that lost their WB station this fall a way to keep up with
the series, not for profit and no infringement of any rights was intended.
Night. A park like graveyard.
Buffy rolls backward. She is on her feet to meet a snarling
bald vampire that leaps and spins and kicks at Buffy's head.
Then it kicks her in the stomach, driving her back. It snarls
and rushes her and she punches it rapidly perhaps five times.
The vampire spins and backhands Buffy knocking her down. It
rushes her and she kicks with both legs knocking it back.
Buffy: "Xander, Anya!"
The bald vampire rolls over backwards. Willow from the bushes,
cries a warning.
Willow: "Buffy another one!"
A second vampire, a dark-haired one, snarls and grabs at the
still prone Buffy and she flips it over.
As the bald vampire comes to its feet Xander grabs it from behind
by the jacket and Anya tries to hold (?) it from the front.
Buffy kicks the dark-haired vampire in the face and he gets up
and runs away.
Willow flips Buffy, who has gotten up, a stake. Buffy catches
it. It is unclear whether Xander and Anya release the vampire
they are struggling with or if it breaks free. Regardless, it
moves toward Buffy and she stakes it but flinches as she does so.
The staking seemed almost awkward.
Buffy: "Where's the other one?"
Xander (pointing): "Scampered like a big bunny."
Anya (also pointing): "In there."
The four of them run in the same direction as the vampire did.
Interior of a large crypt.
Five vampires are feeding off of a single victim. Sucking
sounds are heard. Buffy, holding a stake looks back worriedly
at Xander, Willow and Anya. They have stopped descending a
staircase and are looking at the vampires.
Cut to exterior.
The scoobies exit from the crypt looking depressed.
Willow: "I don't care if it is an orgy of death, there's still
such a thing as a napkin."
Buffy: "A nest. No biggie. I bet I could do it. I know could
take at least two."
Anya: "Yes and we could run for help while the other three suck
your heart out through your neck."
Buffy: "You're right. It's too many for just us. You know who
Cut to exterior view of mansion.
Cut to overhead view in a large room.
Buffy and the scoobies walk slowly, as supplicants, towards a desk.
Buffy: "Uh, hi. We have a problem."
The chair behind the desk spins around to reveal the short, stocky
Jonathan, dressed very sharply in a black turtle neck. [A guitar
makes a Bondlike twang.] Jonathan is smiling and exuding confidence.
Jonathan: "Sounds like you could use my help."
[A trumpet blares playfully.]
[*The opening credits are interspersed with about 10 scenes of
Jonathan. The final segment contains cuts of Jonathan approaching
the camera with a duster or long coat bilowing behind him.*]
[*Guest stars Danny Strong, Amber Benson, Bailey Chase,
Robert Patrick Benedict John Saint Ryan ,George Hertzberg,
Emma Caulfield as Anya*]
[*Written by Jane Espenson. Directed by David Grossman.*]
The interior of Giles' apartment
She is practicing her forms. She does a sequence of punches.
Giles is reading a book. Anya is working on a milk carton.
Jonathan is holding a pistol crossbow and checking it out.
Willow is working on a laptop computer. Xander is walking
toward Anya. He stops. He practices drawing at stake and making
a stabbing motion with it. As he does it he makes whooshing sounds.
Xander: "Sshh! Sssh! Quick draws about more than speed. It's
also about pointing a stake the right way." [He quickdraws
again.] "Sshh! Sssh! And there can be splinter issues. It is
a true test of dexterity."
Anya extends the quart sized milk carton.
Anya [to Xander]: "Can you open this?"
Xander: "No, I tear it and it gets all sloshy." [He quickdraws
again.] "Sshh! Sssh!"
Buffy: "Thanks for doing this Jonathan, I-I wouldn't ask but..."
Jonathan: "Hey don't worry about it. Nest full of vampires,
you come get me, ok. Box full of puppies, that's more of a
Buffy laughs with him.
Jonathan: "Hit me."
Buffy attacks and Jonathan blocks one or two of her punches and
stops short of landing a counterpunch.
Buffy: "You got me. It was very... punchy."
Jonathan: "Watch out for southpaws Buff. Don't let 'em
Giles looks up from his book.
Giles: "Haven't found a reference to any, uh, rituals seems
more like a-a family meal if you will."
Buffy: "And they say no one eats on anymore."
Jonathan: "Thanks Rupert." [Puts his hand on Giles' shoulder.]
"Well it's good to know we're not walking into the unholy
feast of something or other." [Removes hand.]
Willow: "Oh Jonathan I'm in." [Jonathan walks over to Willow.]
"Schematics for the crypt, part of the original plan for the
cemetery sometime there's a ... Oh no back way in, just the
Buffy (rapidly): "Well maybe we could make it work for us we
could stake out the entrance you know, uh, maybe use a decoy,
[faster still] lure them out."
Jonathan: "Or I bet..." [He reaches to the computer.] "There!
We can get in that way."
Buffy is upset. Willow is impressed.
Willow: "Oh of course why didn't I think of that."
Jonathan: "I'm sure you would have."
Willow (smiles and coos): "Ooh."
Jonathan: "I think we have a plan" [hands Xander a crossbow and
flips Anya a stake] "Buffy," [flips her a stake] "you go in
first, let em get a look at the slayer. Xander," [looks at
chessboard] "The defense. Let's see if I
remember" [moves piece] "hmmm mmm, mate in four. You almost
got me that time Rupert."
Giles is disbelieving.
Jonathan: "Xander, Willow and Anya you back up Buffy. I'll be
the surprise guest. Everyone lets show these fiends that they
came to the wrong town."
Cut to Interior of crypt.
A vampire rises from feeding and looks. An twanging and whoosh is
heard and an arrow thunks into it's chest and it turns to dust.
Three more vampires rise together and see Buffy, Anya, Xander
and Willow. A figure crashes through the skylight. Jonathan
lands and fires his mini-crossbow hitting a another vampire
in the chest.
The last three vampires charge. One is grabbed by the scoobies.
Jonathan fires again. A thunk is heard. Buffy stakes a vampire
vampire. The remaining vampire breaks free from the scoobies and
slaps the stake out of Buffy's hand and rushes past her.
Willow: "Buffy, he's getting away!"
Jonathan does a flip, then aims and fires. Buffy turns to see
the last vampire get hit and turn to dust.
Buffy: "I should have gotten that one."
Jonathan: "You got two of them. And that second one was ready
for you." [Smiles.] "You should feel pretty good."
Buffy [distressed]: "But I let one get by me."
Jonathan: "Don't worry. You know it only matters that you do
Jonathan walks past her.
Buffy: "But that's just it." [Cut to the outside.] "I don't
think it was my best."
Cacaphony of five or more photographers: "Hey, Jonathan, over
here, , quick photo, please another one, right
Jonathan: "Ok guys that's enough."
Xander: "I think did great. We knocked em dead. Which they
Willow: "We knocked 'em deader!"
Anya: "They weren't very well organized. If they had all
rushed at Buffy they could have killed her right away."
Buffy: "Thanks Anya. That won't keep me awake all night."
Jonathan: "Vampires only form nests to make hunting easier.
They're not big on the cooperation. They mostly like to hang
out all creepy and alone in the shadows. Don't you agree... "
[turning head] "Spike?"
[Sinister guitar music.] Spike steps out from behind a bush.
Spike: "Well, well the man himself."
Jonathan: "What are you doing here?"
Jonathan and Spike circle each other slowly.
[The sinister guitar music resumes and continues]
Spike: "I live here. I wasn't exactly pining for a noisy visit
from 'wonder Jonathan and his fluffy battle kittens'."
Buffy: "Yeah? You think that one up with all the time you spend
not being able to bite people?"
Jonathan: "Careful, he's still pretty dangerous."
Spike: "Yeah, back off 'Betty.'"
Buffy: "It's Buffy, you big bleached..." [music ends] "stupid
Jonathan: "Spike you're the worst type of scum. The second
you're back to your old tricks well, let's just say before you
even sniff out your first victim you'll be pretty
indistinguishable from, oh what should we say... instant soup
[One last chord of sinister guitar music.]
Cut to Tara's room.
Willow and Tara are sitting.
Willow: "Next thing I know this crazed vamp is like running
right at me and I know if it gets past me there's no telling
who's in danger next."
Tara: "Come on you have fun. Admit it - living the scooby life."
Willow: "I was going for a kind of stoic bravery but yeah. And
it was exciting with the ceiling coming in and everything..."
Willow puts tape on a small piece of paper. Willow sticks the
paper on something.
Tara: "Oh, that's a cute one! A-and Buffy she was ok?"
Willow: "Oh she was great! Twang! Poof!" [Tara looks
confused.] That was the sound - the crossbow, vampire dusting.
I mean she was a little cranky that she missed that one vamp."
Tara: "W-Well, I-I kind of meant personally." [Tara sticks
something on the wall.] "That whole thing with Faith it pretty
much freaked me out and I was just sensing it from a distance."
Willow: "Oh yeah I know she's not over the whole Riley sleeping
with Faith thing. Oh.. you know I mean - Faith's insides and
Buffy's outsides when her insides were out."
The camera angle changes to reveal they are working on a large
montage of Jonathan photos on the wall.
Tara: "I hope they'll be ok."
Willow: "I sure it'll blow over. They're probably all with the
smoochies right now."
Cut to Riley's room.
Riley is picking up a toy basketball. He has one in in each hand.
Buffy (sitting on bed): "You must be feeling better."
Riley tosses the toy ball through a hoop. Underneath the hoop
is a poster of Jonathan in a basketball outfit. Riley catches
the ball as it bounces back to him.
Riley: "Yeah yeah. I'm a lot stronger. I'm no Jonathan but
I'm doing ok."
Buffy: "Are you? I mean you're not?"
Buffy: "Eating the Initiatives' technicolor food of strongness."
Riley: "No, un unnh. They, uh, they swear they've stopping
treating the food but I'm not taking the chance. You know I uh,
I don't know if that means I'll get weaker or dumber.. or
Buffy: "They're not big with the disclosure, hunh?"
Riley: "They still haven't released a full profile on Adam.
And we're having zero luck tracking him. I just... If they'd
just put a little trust in me I know I could get the
Buffy: "I've felt that way my entire life."
Riley sits beside Buffy. Uneasy, Buffy stands. She misses a
Buffy: " think I could do that. Guess it takes
different muscles than demon beheading."
Riley: "You just need a few pointers."
Riley stands and moves behind Buffy. She becomes uneasy again.
Buffy: "Now if slaying was a competitive sport, then I'd have a
chance. You know we could have figure staking and speed
staking. I.. " [She becomes more uneasy and turns bumping the
still injured Riley.] "AShhh, sorry I, this just isn't my
game, I gotta..."
Cut to a coffee shop.
Buffy is pouring cream in a huge cup of coffee.
Buffy: "It's all Faith's fault. She's like poison. No worse,
she's like acid that eats through everything. [Buffy switches
to pouring sugar.] Maybe she's a bomb. [Buffy stirs.] The
point is everything was going along great with Riley and then
she comes along and messes everything up. [Buffy hands the cup
of coffee to Jonathan.]
Jonathan is dressed in a very dapper suit with a lime green
shirt and a hankerchief in his breast pocket that matches his
Jonathan: "Buffy you know what I think: I don't think this
about you being angry with Faith, I think you're angry with
Girl: "Hi, could you please?"
Jonathan accepts a pen and a notepad from a blonde girl who
can't stop grinning.
[Jonathan signs an autograph.]
Jonathan: "I mean you have this amazing connection with him "
[He hands the autograph back to the girl.]
Girl: Thank you.
Jonathan: "and then at the one moment when it matters the most
he looks into your eyes and he doesn't even see that it's not
you looking back at him."
Buffy: "There's no way he could know. I mean you don't just
look at someone and say 'Hey that's not your body, get out of
that body with your hands up!'" [She gestures with her hands
Jonathan: "I know you know that. But you have to believe it!
Buffy if there's any part of you that's blaming Riley for what
happened, it seems like there's a part of you that needs to
Karen: "You're Jonathan Levinson! Oh my god! Oh my god!
My name is Karen and I think you're.. You're wonderful!
Oh my god!"
Karen is holding a book which has a picture of Jonathan on
the back cover.
Jonathan: "Hi Karen, thank you. Oh, is that my book? Well I
could, uh" [He reaches for a pen.]
Karen: "Yeah please I-I didn't want to bother you! It's Karen
with a K!"
Joanthan takes the book and signs it. He hands it back to
Karen who examines it for a moment.
Karen: "Thank you!... So much!!! Thanks!"
She runs off.
Jonathan: "So what do think Buffy? I mean if I'm wrong smack me.
Karen with a k will lend you a book and it's pretty heavy. Heh."
He sips the coffee.
Buffy: "Maybe I have been blaming him. But how do I get past
it? Hmmph. What if it's too late? what if after all this he
doesn't want me anymore?"
Jonathan: "He does. It's not going to be easy Buffy, but you
guys are very special together. That's worth a little hard
He stands and walks away. Buffy stands, reaches into her pocket
and leaves some money on the table.
Buffy: "But I'm not even sure if I know how to talk to him
anymore. How do I make it ok again?"
Jonathan: "If you really want it" [The camera angle on
Jonathan changes so a billboard of Jonathan hawking tennis
shoes is visible. "Light as a feather" is the slogan.]
"you can make anything happen."
Cut to the Initiative
A man in a full dress uniform is addressing slightly more
than a dozen military members of the Iniatiative before a table.
Not all of the military can be next to the table.
Colonel: "For those of you who don't already know my name is
Colonel George . I'm commanding officer here until
such time as the facility review is completed. This review
does not mean our primary mission is changed in any way.
Recovery of the hostile known as Adam is our first and most
important job. To this end I've asked our tactical consultant
here to address us today. Mr. Levinson."
Jonathan steps up, previously hidden by much taller members
of the Initiative.
Jonathan: "Thank you, colonel."
Graham [aside to Riley]: "It's about time we brought out the
Jonathan unfolds a schematic of a skeltetal structure and
spreads it on the table.
Jonathan: "Men, before we can locate Adam we need to understand
him better. And there's something that's bothered me almost
from the start. He doesn't eat. We've known him to kill but
never to eat the kill. So I've pulled some of Professor
Walsh's original design schematics and I've found something -
his power source is not biological at all. It's here" [points
to center of chest in the skeletal schematic.] "The design
attempts to hide it, but I believe that there's a small
reservoir of uranium 235."
Riley: "Sir, how long will it last?"
Jonathan: "Essentially forever. It also means that cutting off
his head is useless. Killing Adam means annihilating him
completely. But first we have to find him."
Karen with binoculars is spying on Jonathan's mansion, looking
in his windows.
Karen: "Where are you Jonathan? Are you like, never home?"
Her view goes dark and she lowers the binoculars to see a
growling monster coming toward her with an arm raised to strike.
She screams. The monster is whiteish tan with very long arms
and clawlike hands. It is bald and has fangs and a mark on its
The monster also has a brown mane? down its back.
Karen screams. The monster knock her down with a swipe. It
holds her with one paw or hand and swings at her with the other.
She swings at the monster and hits it with her binoculars,
knocking it down. She runs off . The monster jumps up
chittering and snarling. She drops her binoculars as she
runs, splashing through the wet grass.
Cut to the Initiative.
Jonathan and Riley.
Jonathan: "She's ready to forget it. You better be ready too."
[He ties a black cloth around his neck.]
Riley: "I don't know Jonathan. I mean I don't know if she'll
really ever forget it. Every time I try to touch her..."
Jonathan: "She's scared."
Riley: "Scared of me?"
Jonathan: "Scared of what you're thinking about."
Riley: "What do you mean?"
Jonathan: "She knows that Faith is .... experienced."
[He pushes a clip into the pistol and cocks it.]
Riley: "What are you saying... experienced? God! Does she
think that - what - that I'd be comparing? She knows she's the
one I... care about."
Jonathan: "Have you let her know that?"
Riley: "I think I - Haven't I? - She has to know"
Jonathan: "People can't always see what's right in front of them."
Jonathan has blindfolded himself and he aims the pistol toward
three members of the Initiative who have apples on their heads.
(As humorous/ironic? trumpet music plays. The music continues as
the scene changes.)
Cut to the Bronze:
Band: "Witch doctor. I took sips
from your sweet lips and now I can't get free. Trapped in a
web of love. Trapped in a web of love."
Anya, Xander, Riley and Buffy are sitting at a table.
Willow and Anya are standing and listening to the band.
Anya: "Did not."
Xander: "Last night with me you said Jonathan."
Anya: "It was a moan!"
Xander: "Fine! You moaned Jonathan!"
Anya: "Not unh! It was like unnh-unnh-atha."
Xander: "Maybe it was ahh-onathan. Still not fluffing up
the old ego."
Riley: "Quite the couple, aren't they?"
Buffy: "They get into a fistfight, I've got a fifty on Anya."
Riley: "Wonder if they'll make it?"
Buffy looks at Riley. The song ends. The audience applauds.
Jonathan, dressed in a white jacketed tuxedo, comes to the microphone.
Jonathan: "Good evening everyone. I'd to dedicate this to
some friends of mine - a very special couple who've been going
through a tough time."
Some of the audience coos: "Ohhh."
Jonathan [sings]: "When I hear that serenade in blue
I'm somewhere in another world alone with you."
[Riley stands and extends his hand to Buffy.]
"Sharing all the joys we used to know
Many moons ago"
[Buffy takes his hand and they move to the dance floor.]
"Once again your face comes back to me"
[They start to dance. Buffy puts her head on
Riley's shoulder and puts her hand on his back,
holding him a little tighter.]
"Just like the theme of some forgotten melody
In the album of my memory "
[Tara and Willow smile, enjoying the song.]
"Serenade in blue"
[The melody becomes more up tempo.]
"Seems like only yesterday
A small café, a crowded floor"
[Again Buffy hugs Riley.]
"And as we danced the night away
I hear you say forever more
And then the song became a sigh"
[Anya cuddles or caresses Xander while looking at the stage.]
"Forever more became goodbye
But you remain in my heart"
[The melody resumes it's original tempo.]
"Tell me darling is there still a spot."
[Singing continues in the background.]
Riley: "Buffy I want you to know."
Buffy: "Do we have to have the talk? No talk, more dance."
Riley: "I just want to say I'm sorry. That's it's only you
that I want."
Buffy: "I know. I know all of that."
Riley: "You do?" [Buffy nods.] "Since when?"
Buffy: "Since you put your arms around me."
The song ends. Applause is heard. Jonathan blows a trumpet
Tara: "Oh my god!. He's going to do something off the new album."
She is staring raptly at Jonathan.
Anya: "Let's go have sex now."
Cut to Xander who is also staring raptly at Jonathan.
Xander: "Yeah, ok."
They walk off, holding hands, neither taking their eyes from
Jonathan until the last possible moment.
Karen rushes in and Buffy takes her arm.
Buffy: "Oh! What is it? Are you ok?"
Jonathan stops playing, waves cut to the band and jumps down off the stage.
Jonathan: "Karen, that's your name isn't it? I-I signed my book
for you." [He holds her arms.] "Tell me what hurt you Karen.
I can help."
Cut to the interior of Jonathan's mansion.
Jonathan [leading Karen to fireplace]: "Let's get you warmed
Buffy [to a policeman]: "What's going on, why are you here?"
Riley is beside Buffy. In a different room, another policeman
is visible through glass.
Policeman: "Mr. Levinson, someone on your staff reported a
disturbance." [A third policeman is visible in the room.]
"When I realized it was on your property I thought I'd better
come down in person."
Jonathan: "That's all right sergeant. I have it under control."
Sergeant: "Of course sir. Glad to see you're alright."
Jonathan: "Karen I know you're scared, but I need to hear your
Karen: "It was ugly - big ugly - all bent over sort of with
these... huge arms and like... scabs and stuff."
Jonathan: "That must have been very frightening. I'm so sorry."
Karen: "Oh! Oh! I forgot. It had a mark!"
Jonathan: "A mark?"
Karen: "On it's forehead, like a symbol."
Riley hands her pen and a notepad and she draws the symbol. A
triangle with a six pointed star or asterisk in it. Jonathan
takes the notepad and rises. His confidence and warmth have
Jonathan: "Well. This is a clue."
Buffy (sensing something): "Jonathan?"
Jonathan [in the calm voice]: "I've heard of this. It's not a
demon, just a monster not much more than an animal. It sticks
to the woods, doesn't come near populated areas."
Buffy: "But it did this time, it might again." [Eager.] "Maybe
we should patrol."
Riley [eager to please]: "If you want me to mobilize the squad."
Jonathan: "Actually I think Karen simply startled it. Probably
more afraid of you then were of it. I'll patrol but you don't
need to worry about it. I can handle it on my own. Now let's
see about getting Karen a ride home."
Buffy looks suspicious.
Cut to a library?
Pan past a disemboweled body to Adam and a vampire. Adam is
sitting in front of five screens showing television scenes. Two
of the screens have visible computers attached.
Vampire: "I wish you'd get rid of that body. The smell's
making me hungry."
Adam: "You wouldn't want it. It had a blood disease. It didn't
know it but it would have been dead within the year. Humans
sense so little of what they carry inside."
Vampire: "Oh alright. Well, you're the evil messiah guy, so
henh. Oh hey there's something new in town, yeah, attacked a
girl, caused a little fuss. Oh, he was there. Pfft!"
He has gestured to television images of Jonathan.
Adam: "Jonathan. Tell me who is he?"
Vampire: "Henh, you're joking right? Jonathan is Jonathan.
All five screens or televisions seem to have scenes of Jonathan.
Adam: "These are lies." [He turns off the tvs.] "None of this
is real. The world has been changed. It's intriguing but
The vampire looks back and forth.
Vampire: "Feels ok to me."
Adam: "You're under his spell just like the others. I seem to
be the only one who is not."
Vampire: "Really? And what makes you so special?"
Adam: "I'm aware. I know every molecule of myself and
everything around me. No one - no human, no demon - has ever
been as awake and alive as I am. You are all just shadows."
Vampire: "Oh. So what do - what do you do now?" [enthused]
"Hey you could kill Jonathan!" [Shakes head.] "Well, or you
could try. The guy's like a dynamo of action."
Adam: "I don't need to do anything. These magicks are
unstable, corrosive. They will inevitably lead to chaos. And
I am interested in chaos."
Cut to Jonathan staring in the fire in his mansion. The music
is perhaps pensive. The camera revolves around him slowly.
A blonde girl in some printed lingerie comes to a landing and
looks down at him.
Girl (in a Nordic? accent): "Jonathan aren't you coming to
Her twin comes up beside her.
Twin (in a Nordic? accent): "Yeah it's getting late."
Jonathan: "Be right there."
He removes his robe revealing the same triangle with the six
pointed asterisk in it that the monster has on it's forehead.
The symbol has been scarred on the back of his left
Cut to campus lawns. Night. Buffy, Willow and Tara are
Willow: "I'm glad you're ok. Everyone in the Bronze was pretty
freaked out after you left.'
Tara: "So I guess you have go fight this thing, hunh?"
Willow: "All the weapons are at Giles'. It shouldn't take too
Buffy: "No go."
Willow: "Did you just go 'no go'?"
Buffy: "Jonathan did. He said it was some brainless beasty and
that he would take care of it himself."
Willow: "Oh cool."
Buffy: "I guess. I don't know he just... he seemed a little
Willow: "Henh! Buffy this is Jonathan. You know he doesn't get
scared. You talked about it when you gave him the class
protector award at the prom."
Buffy: "You're right."
Tara: "Ummm, my exit. Willow, I-I'll see you tomorrow."
Willow takes Tara by the forearm briefly.
Tara walks off.
Willow: "So. Saw you and Riley, with the dancing."
Buffy: "It was a great dance.
Buffy: "For the first time it felt like Faith wasn't there.
Like no one was there but us."
Cut to interior halls.
Tara, walking alone in the halls, hears something and she walks
more quickly. Double doors in front of her crash open and the
monster is there. The monster backhands her and she falls. It
swipes at her as she is on her back and she holds her hands up
Tara slides on the floor as she was pushed from behind or ran
forward and fell. She turns back toward the monster and chants
desperately as she scuttles backwards on her hands, bottom and
She holds her arms out and dust or smoke springs from her arms
blinding the monster. The monster chitters as it waves at the
dust. Tara gets up and runs into a Janitor's closet. The lock
clicks. The monster bangs on the door.
Cut to Tara's room.
Knocking. Willow lets Buffy in.
Buffy: "What's going on?" [She sees Tara laying on the bed.
Tara has scratches and abrasions.] "Oh my god."
Tara lies on the bed in a semi-fetal position, shivering.
Willow: "She's gonna be ok, but she's terrified."
Buffy: "What happened? What did this?"
Willow: "Someone found her in the janitor's closet about an
hour ago. I-I think she was there all night - she was all
Buffy: "Tara, what did this?"
Tara: "Big, lumpy. had something on its - on its head. Like a
Greek letter only not."
Buffy takes some paper and draws the symbol that Karen did.
Buffy: "This, was it this?"
Willow: "Buffy Jonathan said we were all safe. ***Jonathan
Cut to a street.
Buffy walks and thinks. In the background is poster after
poster of "JONATHAN.COM".
Cut to Xander's basement. Anya is standing in the doorway.
Anya: "Xander's not here."
Anya: "You're not going away. Why aren't you going away?"
Buffy: "Oh I was kind of hoping to look at some of Xander's
Anya: "Oh." [Smiles] "Sure. Come on in." [Waves Buffy in.]
"Make yourself at home. And so on."
Anya sits on the couch and starts reading Jonathan's book.
Buffy sees a poster of Jonathan, a Jonathan comic and lots of
trading cards of Jonathan. Many pictures of Jonathan adorn the
walls. After looking around Buffy sits on a table or couch arm
Anya: "Oh you're still here." [smiles faintly] "That's nice."
Buffy: "May I ask you something? Does it every seem just a
little strange that Jonathan is so good at everything?"
Anya (shrugs): "He's Jonathan"
She resumes reading the book. Buffy takes the book.
Anya: "Hey! I was just at the part where he invented the
Buffy: "Anya he fights better than I do. And I'm the slayer."
[Points to self] "The Slayer! That's supposed to mean
Anya: "Oh! buck up you." [She punches Buffy in the arm very
softly.] "You kill the best." [She makes rah rah gestures.]
"Go you. Kill, kill."
Buffy: "Actually not needing validation right now, but thank
Buffy: "He just seems too perfect." [She looks at the book
which is titled 'Oh Jonathan' an autobiography.] "I don't know."
Anya: "So I can have my book back?"
Buffy: "Anya when you were a demon, you granted wishes right?"
Anya: "Vengeance wishes on ex boyfriends. I'd wish he was a
dog or ugly or in love with president McKinley or something."
Buffy: "But someone could wish the whole world to be different
right? That's possible?"
Anya: "Sure, alternate realities. You could uh, could have like
a world without shrimp. Or with, you know, nothing but shrimp.
You could even make like a freaky world where Jonathan's some
kind of not perfect mouth breather if that's what's blowing
up your skirt these days. Just don't ask me to live there!
Now if I, uh, could just have book back you could be on
your way someplace else?"
Buffy (handing back book): "Here."
Cut to Giles' apartment.
Buffy is addressing Riley, Giles, Xander, Anya and Willow.
Buffy: "I'm just saying it doesn't make any sense. H-he
starred in the Matrix but he never left town. And how'd he
graduate from med school? He's only eighteen years old."
Xander: "Effective time management?"
Giles: "I-I'm sorry Buffy, I just don't understand what
you're trying to say."
Anya: "Yeah and when is Jonathan going to get here and start the
Buffy: "This is the meeting."
Willow: "This is the meeting?"
Buffy: "Well, I was just kind of wondering if maybe anyone
thought that Jonathan was kind of too perfect?"
Xander: "No he's not! He's just perfect enough! He crushed
the bones of the master, he blew up a big snake made out of
mayor and he coached the U.S. women's soccer team to stunning
World Cup victory! We saw him doing those things!"
Buffy: "But that's just it. I'm not entirely sure that we can
trust our memories. Anya tell them about the alternate
Anya: "Oh ok. Umm. Say you really like shrimp a lot. Or we
could say you don't like shrimp at all."
[Giles nods but keeps eating.]
Anya: "Blah I wish there weren't any shrimp you would say to
Buffy: "Stop you're saying it wrong! I think that Jonathan may
be doing something so that he's manipulating the world and
we're all like his pawns."
Anya: "Or prawns."
Buffy stares at Anya.
Buffy: "Stop with the shrimp I am trying to do something here!"
Giles (still eating): "Of course, but it may be a little out
of your depth."
Buffy: "I'm not."
Riley: "Sounds like nonsense." [Buffy looks discouraged.] "But
I'm starting to know this girl pretty well [he stands, walks
and stops beside Buffy] and I think she sees things that the
rest of us don't. I think, for once, we should follow her
Buffy: "Ok. I think Jonathan might be ignoring evidence.
I think he might have let Tara get hurt."
Willow: "On purpose?"
Buffy: "No! No."
Giles: "How did he ignore evidence?"
Buffy: "The monster had a mark on it. Jonathan saw it a-and
he kind of... blinked."
Xander: "He blinked? The man moistened his eyeballs and we're
having a meeting about it."
Buffy: "Wuh. He knows something about the monster. He was
reacting to the mark. Oh!!! [jumps up] Wait, I remember
something. Giles, do you have a Jonathan swimsuit calendar?"
Buffy frowns in confusion and stares at Giles.
Giles: "Yes. It was a gift."
All move to look at calender.
Buffy (flipping the month of the calendar): "No. No. Whoah!
Willow (dismayed): "Oh."
Anya: "Yeah. Pretty darn lickable."
Willow: "The other kind of oh. That's it that's what Tara saw."
Riley: "Why would Jonathan have the same mark as the monster?"
Buffy: "I don't know. But he's definitely keeping.."
Jonathan (standing in doorway): "Is this a private conversation...
or can Mr. July sit in?"
Again he is dressed in a very sharp suit/shirt tie combination.
Anya (rapidly): "Hi. Buffy was just saying how you had a
monster cut up Willow's friend and.."
Buffy turns suddenly to Anya.
Anya silently mouths "What?"
Buffy: "No!" [Closes door] "It's just ... the mark. You said
it was safe.. and it wasn't. I'm sorry.. I just don't
Jonathan: "Then I'll explain."
[All sit or take positions to listen.]
Jonathan: "Buffy is right."
Xander [distressed]: "No!"
Willow looks upset.
Jonathan: "I do have a history with the creature. The monster.
The problem is every time I face it my mind becomes sort of
confused. There's some kind of power it possesses."
Xander: "Oh!!! oh! He's like your kryptonite."
Jonathan: "Maybe. I just knows it takes all my energy to try
and fight the confusion. That's why I had his mark tattooed on
me so that I wouldn't underestimate it next time."
Buffy is suspicious.
Riley [satisified]: "This does explain everything."
Xander: "I knew you wouldn't do anything on purpose.
Willow [relieved and smiling]: "Me too! And that whole
alternate universe thing was too freaky!"
Buffy: "Jonathan let's go after the monster. Right now, you
Jonathan: "I'm sure it's left town by now. That's been its
Buffy : "We can try."
Jonathan [not confident]: "Sure. Lets do that."
Anya?: "Bye Jonathan."
Cut to graveyard.
Spike: "Oh look Jonathan. Taking the little sidekick out for a
walk, are we?"
Buffy: "Shut up Spike."
Spike laughs: "Ooh ooh ooh! Semi harsh language from Betty!
You're feisty when the big guy standing beside you. [sighs]
Someday sweet slayer." [He puts a hand on Buffy's hair.] "I
would love to take you on." [He moves his hand to her neck and
just below her throat.] "See you face the evil alone for once."
As he starts to move his hand lower Jonathan grabs Spike's wrist
and shoves him back against a nearby crypt.
Jonathan: "That's enough of the creepy small talk! We're
looking for a monster."
Spike: "Why would I know about that?"
Jonathan: "Every demon in this town's gunning for you right now
so I figure you're probably keeping pretty good track of them.
Big arms, mark on its head... have you seen it?"
Spike: "No. But then again I'm probably lying."
Jonathan releases Spike and turns to Buffy.
Jonathan: "We're not getting anything out of him."
He walks away and Spike holds the back of his head. Buffy
lunges forward and shoves Spike back against the crypt again.
Spike (surprised): "Hey what are you doing?"
[Jonathan turns around, surprised as well.]
Spike: "You're not supposed to do that!"
Buffy: "You're pretty much relying on butcher's blood these
days right, Spike?"
Spike: "What are you saying?"
Buffy: "Just that the butchers in this town respect Jonathan.
They do him a favor and you might find yourself getting kind
She lets Spike go and throws her hands up. Jonathan tilts his
head and looks at Spike.
Spike: "[sighs] Look I don't know much, ok. Some vampires got
kicked out of a cave in the hills behind park."
Jonathan tilts his head and he and Buffy walk off.
Spike: "I don't know what did the kicking out but it's probably
Jonathan holds his hand up dismissively as he and Buffy stroll
off. Spike sighs and grabs the back of his head again.
Jonathan: "That was very good." [Buffy smiles. He rebuttons
his jacket.] "Very good."
Cut to Giles' apartment.
Riley is walking back and forth with a book. Anya and Willow
are reading on the couch and Xander is sitting and reading
Riley: "These spells... these really work? I mean, can you
really 'turn your enemies inside out'? Or... learn to 'excrete
Anya: "That one's not so much fun."
Willow: "They work Riley but they take concentration. Being
attuned with the forces of the universe."
Xander: "Right you can't just go 'librum incendere' and expect.."
The page of Xander's book bursts into flame. Xander is shocked
and Riley looks up. Xander slams the book closed,
extinguishing the fire.
Giles: "Xander don't speak Latin in front of the books."
Willow: "Hey I-I found the mark. It's part of an augmentation
spell." [Distressed.] "Jonathan did an augmentation spell."
Riley: "What, uh, did he have, uh, you know?"
Willow: "Him! And how we see him. This spell turns the
sorcerer into a sort of paragon, the best of everything,
everyone's ideal. But-but there's a drawback."
Riley: "A drawback?"
Xander: "That happens a lot."
Giles (reading the book over Willow's shoulder): "Yes. In
order to balance the new force of good the spell has to create
the opposing force of evil, the worst of everything, everyone's
Anya: "He created the monster."
Xander: "So we're saying he did a spell just to make us think
he was cool?"
Xander: "That is so cool!"
Riley: "Giles, Buffy and Jonathan are going after this
nightmare thing. Are they going to be ok?"
Giles: "It seems that the well being of this creature is linked
to Jonathan. If it dies the spell is broken and Jonathan
reverts to... whatever he was before."
Anya: "Jonathan isn't gonna want Buffy to get very far."
Cut to interior of a cave. Jonathan and Buffy stop at the
precipice of a seemingly bottomless pit.
Buffy: "Wow! Fall down there and be dead for a while."
Jonathan: "Yeah," [thinking and looking at Buffy] "don't want
that to happen."
Jonathan slowly reaches and grabs Buffy's wrist as she is looking
around the cave. Buffy looks at him.
Jonathan [leading her away from the pit]: "Come on. We've got
a monster to..."
The monster growls as he strikes Jonathan with an uppercut and
sends him flying back over the pit. He falls unconscious. The
Willow (confused): "Buffy was right." [trying again] "Buffy
Anya: "It doesn't sound very likely, does it?"
Riley: "So if this is the world he created, what's the real
Willow: "I'm scared. Everything's going to change."
Giles: "Well, actually it'll remain pretty much the same except
Jonathan won't be Jonathan - not our Jonathan, anyway."
Xander: "No! No! No! World without sunshine! World without
Riley: "But wait, it only changes back if Buffy kills this
thing! I mean if she loses then we could be stuck in this
wrong world forever!"
Xander: "Things looking up! I mean - we're all happy here
right? You know if she doesn't get killed?"
Willow: "Giles, can Buffy do it?"
Giles: "I-I honestly don't know she's never stood alone against
something like this before."
Cut to interior of cave.
Jonathan is slowly waking up to the sounds of the monster growling
and blows being exchanged.
The monster grabs Buffy and throws her. She tumbles and falls.
Trumpet music blares. Jonathan flips to his feet, breaks off a
stalactite and hits the monster in the head with it twice,
driving it to its knees. Buffy comes to. Jonathan ducks a
swipe and grabs the monster from behind.
Buffy: "Jonathan what do I do?"
Jonathan: "I think you're going to have to handle this one
Buffy: "What? But I.."
Jonathan: "You'll know, you used to. And the more you hurt it
the more I'll lose my.."
He kicks the monster in the head while holding it.
Buffy: "What? Lose your..."
Jonathan spins the monster towards Buffy. Buffy trips the
stumbling monster and it falls. Jonathan shudders as if his
strength is gone and hides behind a rock. Buffy delivers a
sequence of kicks to the monster. When the monster tries to
strike her she catches its arm and kicks it twice more and it
Buffy (smiling): "I remember this. This good."
Buffy tries to punch the monster but it catches her and throws
her down. Jonathan jumps out from behind the rock as the
trumpets blare. The monster charges Buffy but she kicks it
again. Again Jonathan runs back behind the rock. Buffy
delivers some more kicks to the monster, knocking it down.
The monster jumps to its feet and Buffy charges it. It
sidesteps and throws her down. One of her arms is in the pit
and her head is over it. Before the monster can finish off
Buffy, Jonathan charges and tackles it from behind, knocking it
into the pit. He falls in too.
But Buffy reaches and grabs him by the ankle/heel. He whimpers
a little hanging upside down.
Cut to: A shimmering wave of light passes over the town.
The billboard of Jonathan selling shoes changes to a newspaper
with a dalmation saying they aren't just in black & white.
A movie marquee saying "Being Jonathan Levinson" changes to
"closed for repairs".
A "jonathan.com" poster changes to a "The Dingoes Ate My Baby"
Cut to campus lawns. Daylight. The gang is sitting beside a
tree. Buffy, Riley, Xander, Willow, Anya and Tara.
Willow: "I can't believe we believed it"
Riley: "It seemed so real."
Buffy: "Well, in that world, it was real."
Anya: "Alternate realities are neat."
Xander: "You know what I'll always remember?"
Riley: "The swimsuit calendar's sticking in my mind." [Buffy
looks at him and raises her eyebrows.] "Not in a good way."
Xander: "I'll always remember the way he made me feel about me.
Valued, respected, sort of tingly... Now I'm just empty."
Anya is also depressed.
Buffy: "Poor Xander. I guess Jonathan hurt you most of all."
Tara [raises her hand]: "Ummm."
Buffy: "Except of course, after Tara."
Willow smiles at Tara.
Riley: "Did anyone else feel way too tall? I felt way too
Buffy sees Jonathan looking over at her and walks to meet him.
Xander: "I liked his clothes. He had really cool clothes."
Willow: "Still not understanding how he got the house and
Anya: "And who really did star in the Matrix?"
Riley (fading as Buffy gets farther away): "Wait. That wasn't
Jonathan: "Hi. I wasn't sure you'd come over. Everyone's
mostly forgetting. But, I think some people are kind of angry."
Jonathan: "Nobody's even talking to me. And.. the twins moved
Buffy: "Why did you do it anyway? No. I get why. How?"
Jonathan: "After the thing with the bell tower and the gun, I
went to counseling. You know other kids with problems a-and
one of them had this spell. He glossed right over the monster.
Well, anyway I just - I-I just wanted to apologize. Nobody was
supposed to get hurt."
Buffy: "Jonathan you get why everyone is angry though, right?
It's not just the monster. People didn't like being the little
actors in your sock puppet theater."
Jonathan: "You weren't! You weren't socks! We were friends."
Buffy: "Jonathan you can't keep trying to make everything work
out with some big gesture all at once. Things are complicated.
They take time and work."
Jonathan: "Yeah, right."
He turns to leave but stops and turns back.
Jonathan: "Hey. Hey Buffy. You remember I gave you some
Buffy [less than amused]: "Watch out for southpaws?"
Jonathan: "Uh, no about you and Riley. I mean things are
starting to blur but this cool thing I said, um, that I don't
really remember... I think it's right. I think it's kind of
the same thing you just said to me. (Pause.) About things
Buffy [thoughtful]: "Yeah, I remember."
Jonathan: "Good because it's true. What you have is really
complicated but it's worth it. I think that's what I said."
He walks away.
Cut to Riley's bedroom.
Buffy and Riley are sitting and smooching.
Buffy: "I'm glad we talked this all out."
Riley: "We haven't talked at all."
Buffy: "Oh. Well whatever we're doing, we're doing it great."
Buffy: "Mmmmm... Jonathan."
Riley pulls back. Buffy is almost smiling.
Erica Luttrell as Karen.
Adam Clark as cop.
Chanie Costello as Inga.
Julie Costello as Ilsa.
[an error occurred while processing this directive]