Buffy Episode #96: "Intervention" Transcript

Written by Jane Espenson

Transcribed by Joan the English Chick (pisces@englishchick.com).
Transcriber's Notes:


Teaser

GILES VOICEOVER: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...
Buffy talking to Glory in the Summers home.
GLORY: Did you know your sister took my key, Dawnie, and she won't give it back. I bet you know where she put it, don't you?
Spike and Dawn in the magic shop.
SPIKE: (reading) They had to be certain the Slayer would protect it with her life, so they sent the key to her, in the form of a sister.
Ben talking to Jinx.
BEN: Let Glory understand this: I won't help her find the key. I would never do that to an innocent-
JINX: An innocent?
BEN: It's not a person.
Ben stabbing Jinx.
Glory in her apartment.
GLORY: What about the key?
JINX: He indicated that it was a person.
Spike kissing Buffy.
Spike sitting up in bed gasping.
SPIKE: Oh God, no.
Spike talking to Buffy in his underground cavern.
SPIKE: I love you.
BUFFY: The only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious.
April holding Spike in the air.
APRIL: You are not my boyfriend!
April throwing Spike through a window.
Buffy talking to the Scoobies.
BUFFY: I kinda got the impression that she was a-
TARA: Robot.
XANDER: Oh yeah, robot.
WARREN: She's a robot.
April walking down the street.
WARREN: I made her to love me. I didn't make a toy. I made a girlfriend.
Spike talking to Warren.
SPIKE: I'm placing an order.
WARREN: No, I'm not making any more girls.
SPIKE: Sure you are. (giving Warren the box full of Buffy pictures) Here's your specs.
Buffy in her house.
BUFFY: Mom? What are you doing?
Joyce lying dead on the sofa.
BUFFY: Mommy?
Joyce's funeral.
MINISTER: We commend to almighty God our sister, Joyce Summers.
Buffy and Dawn crying.
Buffy sitting with Angel.
BUFFY: It's tomorrow that I'm worried about.
ANGEL: What's tomorrow?
BUFFY: That's exactly what I don't know.

Episode opens on the Summers kitchen. Buffy is washing dishes while Dawn wipes. Giles walks over with a towel.

BUFFY: Giles, you don't have to help. You cooked.
GILES: Oh, come on, I quite like to cook. Helping you two out makes me feel useful. (wiping a dish)
DAWN: Wanna clean out the garage on Saturday? You can feel indispensable.
GILES: (sarcastic) Hmm, how tempting.
BUFFY: Dawn, if there are any plates in your room, let's have them before they get furry and we have to name them.
DAWN: Hey, I was like five then.

Dawn exits.

GILES: How's she doing? (Buffy gives him a look) And you?
BUFFY: I'm okay. Well, some minutes are harder than others.
GILES: I'm so sorry. All I can say is i-it will get better.
BUFFY: It has to. (stops washing dishes, begins drying her hands) We're holding up though, you know, getting into a routine.
GILES: Good, routine's good. In fact I was thinking that we might ... return to our training schedule.
BUFFY: (pauses) I don't know. I was, um, thinking about ... maybe ... taking a break or something.

She puts down her towel and walks into the living room. Giles follows.

BUFFY: Just ease off for a while. Not get into full slay mode.
GILES: But you were doing so well.
BUFFY: A-and you were great, helping me with everything. (They sit on the sofa) I'm just ... starting to feel ... uneasy about stuff.
GILES: Stuff?
BUFFY: Training. Slaying. All of it. It's just ... I mean ... I can beat up the demons until the cows come home. And then I can beat up the cows ... but I'm not sure I like what it's doing to me.
GILES: But you've mastered so much. I mean, your strength and resilience alone-
BUFFY: Yeah. Strength, resilience ... those are all words for hardness. (pause) I'm starting to feel like ... being the Slayer is turning me into stone.
GILES: Turning you into stone? Buffy-
BUFFY: Just ... think about it. (gets up, paces) I was never there for Riley, not like I was for Angel. I was terrible to Dawn.
GILES: At a time like this-
BUFFY: No.
GILES: You're bound to feel emotionally numb.
BUFFY: Before that. Riley left because I was shut down. He's gone. And now my mom is gone ... and I loved her more than anything ... and ... I don't know if she knew.
GILES: Oh, she knew. (gets up, puts his hand on Buffy's shoulder) Always.
BUFFY: I don't know. To slay, to kill ... i-it means being hard on the inside. Maybe being the perfect Slayer means being too hard to love at all. I already feel like I can hardly say the words.
GILES: Buffy...
BUFFY: Giles ... I love you. Love ... love, love, love, love, Giles, it feels strange.
GILES: Well, I shouldn't wonder. (frowns, sits on the coffee table) How serious are you about this?
BUFFY: (walks past him, sits on sofa) Ten. I'm serious to the amount of ten.
GILES: There is something ... in the Watchers' diaries ... a quest.
BUFFY: A quest? Like finding a grail or something?
GILES: Not a grail. Maybe answers. It would take a day, perhaps two.
BUFFY: I'm not leaving Dawn. Not with Glory looking for her.

Dawn enters in time to hear this.

DAWN: Sure you can. (sits next to Buffy) What's the deal?
GILES: Some Slayers before Buffy found it helpful in ... regaining their focus, learning more about their role. There's a sacred place in the desert. It's, it's not far.
BUFFY: But I can't go. (to Dawn) I'm not leaving you, Dawn.
DAWN: If you have to go learn ... I mean, if it'll help you out ... I think you should do it. (shot of Giles smiling) I can hang with the gang. I'll be okay.

Buffy looks at Giles, turns to Dawn and puts an arm around her.

BUFFY: I love you, Dawn. You know that, right?
DAWN: Yeah. I love you too.
BUFFY: I love you ... (intensely) *really* love you.
DAWN: (nervous grin) Gettin' weird.
BUFFY: Sorry. But it's important that I tell you. Weird love's better than no love.

They hug.

Cut to: Spike staring at something. We see Warren in the background.
SPIKE: Some say it's better'n the real thing.
WARREN: (nervous) Better than the real thing.

Shot of a pair of feet. Pan slowly up to reveal the BuffyBot. She wears a knee-length pleated skirt of pale pink, a blouse of darker pink, and a black jacket. Her eyes are closed as she stands there.

SPIKE: (OS) She looks good, but what about the rest?

Spike still staring at the bot.

SPIKE: A little walk, a little talk...

Warren stuffing books into a backpack. We're in Warren's parents' living room (same set from "I Was Made To Love You").
SPIKE: ...perhaps a zippy cartwheel...
WARREN: Hey, she's, uh, great. You'll be real happy, I swear, she's got everything you asked for. All the extra programming, tons of real-world knowledge, the profiles you gave me about her family and friends.
SPIKE: *All* the extra programming, right?
WARREN: Ah, the, the stuff that you wanted, the, uh, scenario responses, you know, the, uh, uh, special ... skills ... (nervous laugh) All of it. Now, you said that I could leave-

Warren tries to go past but Spike grabs his arm.

SPIKE: Wait. I'm not sure I'm a satisfied customer. She looks a little shiny to me, you know, uh...

Close shot of the bot's closed eyes.

SPIKE: (OS) ...touch of plasticine...

The eyes pop open.

BUFFYBOT: Spike?

Longer shot of the BuffyBot smiling hugely.

BUFFYBOT: Oh, Spike!

She hurries over to Spike, puts her hands on his shoulders and kisses him on the mouth. She pulls back, still with a big smile.

SPIKE: She'll do.

Wolf howl. Opening credits.

Guest starring Clare Kramer, Adam Busch, Troy T. Blendell, and Amber Benson as Tara. Written by Jane Espenson, directed by Michael Gershman.


Act I

Open on Glory lying on a sofa.
GLORY: (annoyed) He's getting stronger. I'm losing him, I'm losing control of him.

We see that we're in Glory's apartment. She has her legs up on one arm of the sofa. Two of her sycophant demons sit on the other end of the sofa while three more stand behind.

JINX: You're speaking of Ben, most glamorous yet tasteful one?
GLORY: He stabbed you in your body.
MURK: Jinx is all right, your highness. And we do have the new knowledge that the key is a human being.
GLORY: (sits up) If time runs out on us and all we're left with is info? Then we're screwed.
JINX: Oh, surely not!
GLORY: (leans back) No, we're screwed!
MURK: But you are a god. The sacred Glorificus!
GLORY: I'm a god in exile. Far from the hellfires of home and ... sharing my body with an enemy that stabs my boys in their (pokes Jinx in the stomach, he groans and winces) fleshy little stomachs.

She sits back again in frustration, ignoring Jinx. He makes a gesture to Murk that he's okay.

GLORY: Uhh! I'm in pain.
JINX: How can we help? We'll lay down our lives.

Glory ponders for a moment, gets up.

GLORY: The Slayer and the key are connected. She's going to have contact with it. Find out who's new in her life, who's ... special, who's different. Watch her.
MURK: We can do that, O ... thou.
GLORY: I want to hear about everyone she has contact with! That girl has my key ... (the monks bow their heads) and I'm trusting you boys to get it for me. If you love me ... (they both look up) get it for me.

The monks smile happily at each other and at Glory.

Cut to: a slice of desert. There are sandy dunes with some scraggly bushes, and one tree. Heat waves shimmer in the air. Giles' convertible comes around the dune, pulls up and stops. Giles and Buffy get out. Giles goes to open the trunk. Buffy follows. She wears a long brown coat over brown pants and a brown turtleneck. Giles wears jeans, a black shirt and a brown suede jacket.

BUFFY: What's in the trunk?
GILES: Supplies. (leans into the trunk)
BUFFY: Supplies? I was wondering about that. Like, food, water, maybe a compass?
GILES: (straightens up holding stuff) What about a book, a gourd, and a bunch of twigs?
BUFFY: I don't think I'll be that hungry.
GILES: They're for me. Come on, this way.

He walks off with Buffy following. Cut to them walking across the sand.

GILES: You see, the location of the sacred place is a guarded secret. I can't take you there myself. (They begin to climb up a dune) I'll have to perform a ritual to ... transfer my guardianship of you, temporarily, to, to a guide. This'll do.

He stops and begins putting the stuff down.

BUFFY: A guide but no food or water. So it leads me to the sacred place, and then a week later it leads you to my bleached bones?
GILES: Buffy, please. It takes more than a week to bleach bones.

Buffy grins. Giles kneels on the ground and begins arranging the twigs around himself.

BUFFY: So, how's it start?
GILES: I, uh, jump out of the circle and then jump back in it, and then, um ... (embarrassed) I shake my gourd.
BUFFY: I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the hokey-pokey and turn themselves around.
GILES: (straightens up, gives her a sour look) Go quest.

Buffy makes an amused face. Giles looks embarrassed. He sighs, rolls his eyes, jumps into the circle of twigs, jumps out, and shakes the gourd. Nothing seems to happen. He and Buffy look at each other.

BUFFY: And that's what it's all about.

Cut to: Spike in his crypt, dancing around in sparring mode.
SPIKE: What you searching for, Slayer, a weak spot? Hmm?

We see that he's circling around the BuffyBot, who holds a stake in one hand. She is no longer wearing the jacket but still wears the pink skirt and sleeveless blouse.

SPIKE: Try me, give me the best you've got.

She lunges at him with a very lame stabbing movement and he ducks out of the way.

BUFFYBOT: Ooh!

Spike grabs her from behind with one arm around her neck and the other grabbing her hand.

BUFFYBOT: Oh... (panting)
SPIKE: Is that your best, Slayer?
BUFFYBOT: No.
SPIKE: Why not?
BUFFYBOT: I, I wanna hurt you, but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body.
SPIKE: Maybe I should repay you for your gentleness. Maybe I should let you go.
BUFFYBOT: No! No, Spike. Never let me go.
SPIKE: You know you should be afraid of me. I'm bad.
BUFFYBOT: (seductively) You are. You're very, very bad.

Suddenly she twists out of his grasp and flings him across the room. He lands on his back on the bed. The BuffyBot jumps on top of him, straddling him, and puts her stake against his chest.

SPIKE: Are you gonna do it that way?
BUFFYBOT: (grinning) No.

She grabs the neck of his t-shirt and rips it open as Spike grins. Then she puts the stake against his bare chest.

BUFFYBOT: This way.
SPIKE: (raises his eyebrows) You can't do it.
BUFFYBOT: I could never do it. (drops the stake) I'm helpless against you, you fiend.

Spike shoves her off him.

BUFFYBOT: (smiling) Oh!

She rolls aside onto the floor and lands on her back. Spike lands on top of her, pinning her wrists down. He kisses her and she kisses him back.

SPIKE: (whispers) Buffy...

He slides down her body as the camera stays on her face.

Cut to: Giles sitting on the sand in the middle of the circle of sticks. He has the book open and reads aloud in Swahili.

Cut to closer shot of his face as he continues to speak.

Cut to Buffy walking across the sand. We can hear Giles still reading aloud. The background music is a woman vocalizing.

Buffy hears a growling noise and stops, looks to her left. We see a mountain lion sitting on the sand about thirty feet away.

BUFFY: Hello, kitty.

The lion begins to walk and Buffy follows it. They go through a passageway made by two large outcroppings of rock. They come out on a large expanse of sandy desert dotted with small bushes or trees. Buffy goes over to a rock and sits on it, looking around.

BUFFY: I know this place.

Cut to: Tara closing a door. She turns away and we see there's a vial in her hand. She walks away from the door, into the room. We see Xander behind a counter: it's his apartment. He comes out from behind the counter.

TARA: Okay. Warning spell's all set.
XANDER: So that's it? We're all protected up for the night?

They walk farther into the room. We see Anya sitting on one sofa in the background. Dawn sits on another, reading.

TARA: Well, i-it's probably not as good as Willow could do. She's a natural with magic. In just the time I've known her, she's already blown right past me.
XANDER: So, when the whiz kid gets back from chem lab, can you have her ... you know, bulk up the spell a little? If you want, maybe, while Anya and I go do a quick patrol?
ANYA: I don't see why we have to patrol just 'cause Buffy's away. (gets up, walks over to them) I'd rather stay home and watch television.

Dawn watches Anya go past her. Shot of a pair of earrings(?) on the side table next to the sofa that Anya just vacated.

TARA: (OS) Oh yeah, Willow wants to watch this thing on the history channel tonight, (Dawn gets up, walks over to the table) Salem Witch Trial stuff, which is only gonna get her all upset.
ANYA: (OS) Oh, I was there, it really wasn't that bad. (Dawn picks up the earrings and puts them in her pocket) See, if you were really a witch, you could do a spell to escape.

Cut to a shot of the three in the foreground and Dawn in the background.
ANYA: ...so really it was only bad for the falsely accused, and, well, they never have a good time.
XANDER: No.

Dawn turns from the table to face the others.

DAWN: So, guys, if this is a real slumber party, where's the pizza?

As Dawn walks away from the table toward the others, the camera stays on the window behind her. We see one of Glory's demons looking in the window.

Cut to: Spike's crypt. Pan across the pillars and the armchair to find Spike and the Buffy Bot lying on the floor, on their sides. She lies in front with Spike behind her, his arm around her waist, both covered with a pink sheet. Spike's hair is all disarrayed and spikey.

BUFFYBOT: You're evil.
SPIKE: And that excites you?
BUFFYBOT: It excites me, it terrifies me ... I try so hard to resist you and I can't.
SPIKE: Yeah? (grins)
BUFFYBOT: Darn your sinister attraction.
SPIKE: (seriously) Are you afraid of me?
BUFFYBOT: (big smile) Yes.
SPIKE: (quietly) You know I can't lie to you.
BUFFYBOT: I think you can. I think you can if I let you, and I want to let you. I want you to bite me and devour me until there's no more.
SPIKE: (smiles) Like this?

He bites her neck lightly.

BUFFYBOT: (smiling) Oh, Spike, devour me!
SPIKE: All right.

He pulls her over on her back and gets on top of her.

BUFFYBOT: Spike, I can't help myself. I love you.
SPIKE: You're mine, Buffy.
BUFFYBOT: Should I start this program over?
SPIKE: Shh! (frowns) No programs. Don't use that word. Just be Buffy.

She smiles.

Cut to: Willow and a bunch of other students coming out of a UC Sunnydale building, night.

WILLOW: It's got last week's notes too. Just get it back to me by Thursday.

She's speaking to a male student to whom she is giving her notebook.

WILLOW: And, uh, don't write in it or, or, uh, put a coffee mug down on it, or anything. (The student walks offscreen) And, and, just don't spill. Okay. Oh, oh, and don't fold the page corners down. Bye!

She continues walking, pauses as she approaches a pillar, continues. As she passes the pillar, one of Glory's demons comes out from behind it and follows her.

Cut to: Spike lying in his bed asleep. Pan across to the Buffy Bot standing next to the bed, putting on her jacket.

BUFFYBOT: Time to slay.
SPIKE: Yeah... (mumbling in his sleep)

The bot picks up her stake and walks purposefully across the crypt.

BUFFYBOT: Vampires of the world, beware.

Shot of Spike still sleeping.
Blackout.


Act II

Fade in on the desert, night. Giles sits on the hood of his car, drinking from a thermos. He looks up at the sky, sighs.

Fade to Buffy still sitting on the rock. She hugs her arms and shivers, lets her head drop and her eyes close.

There's a noise like an owl hooting. Buffy jerks awake, sighs.

Cut to: the Buffy-Bot walking through the graveyard, twirling her stake. Xander and Anya come around a corner.

BUFFYBOT: Hey there!
XANDER: Buffy!
BUFFYBOT: Xander!

Shot of Xander from the bot's perspective. She has a display similar to that of April in "I Was Made..." Folders are labeled "Hard Drive," "Slaying," "Locate Spike," and "Make Spike Happy." Under "Make Spike Happy" are files labeled "kissing01," "kissing02," "positions01," "positions02," etc. up to "positions05" and "More."

At the bottom is a readout that identifies Xander with attributes:
friend
carpenter
dates Anya

BUFFYBOT: (OS) And ...

The point of view shifts to Anya. Her attributes are:
dates Xander
likes money
ex-demon

BUFFYBOT: (OS) Anya!

Cut to shot of the Buffy Bot's face.

BUFFYBOT: How is your money?
ANYA: (laughs in surprise) Fine. Thank you for asking. (smiles at Xander)
BUFFYBOT: (smiling) Isn't it a beautiful night for killing evil things?
XANDER: I guess.
ANYA: You're back very early.
XANDER: Yeah, how was the whole vision-quest experience?
BUFFYBOT: I don't understand that question. But thank you for asking.

Xander looks confused.

BUFFYBOT: You're my friend, and a carpenter.
XANDER: Are you all right? You're all...
SPIKE: (OS) Hey! Wait up!

Spike comes running up.

BUFFYBOT: (happily) Spike! (to Xander and Anya) It's Spike. And he's wearing a coat.
SPIKE: (panting) Yes. Uh ... hello all.

The bot tries to take his hand but he pulls it away.

SPIKE: Uh, Buffy's back early, I see. Lots of patrolling all around tonight, then, is it?

The bot takes his arm and he pretends it hurts, pulls it away.

SPIKE: Ow! Hey. Give a fella a break there, Slayer.

She smiles and tries to walk closer to him but he moves away, going closer to Xander and Anya.

SPIKE: Uh, I'm glad you're all here, uh, 'cause, uh, 'cause ... the place is crawling with vamps tonight. Uh, tons of 'em. I, uh, think we oughta split up.
XANDER: We haven't seen any vamps, are you sure there's...

They hear a noise and all look to the side. Three vamps come around a corner.

ANYA: You're right.
SPIKE: Yep, guess so.

The vamps rush at them. The BuffyBot kicks one and he falls back. Spike engages the second vamp while Xander and Anya take the third. The bot fights like Buffy.

Anya circles around with her stake while Xander exchanges blows with the vamp. Spike kicks his.

BUFFYBOT: Spike, be careful!

The bot kicks her vamp backward.

Shot of two of Glory's demons watching the action from afar.

Spike grabs his vamp by the arm and hits him in the back.

The third vamp has Xander on the ground and Anya runs behind him. Xander gets his feet on the vamp's chest and shoves him back, right at Anya, who stakes him.

The bot punches her vamp several times and he goes down. Spike is still struggling with his foe.

BUFFYBOT: No, get away from him.

Shot of the two demons still watching.

The bot stakes her vamp. Spike has his vamp kneeling on the ground. The bot tosses her stake to Spike, who catches it and stakes the last vamp.

Anya helps Xander up. Spike and the BuffyBot come over to them.

SPIKE: I think that was probably the big action for the night. You two can toddle on home if you want.
XANDER: Uh ... Buffy?
BUFFYBOT: (smiling) Yes. Spike and I will do it alone. You guys head home.

Xander looks suspicious, but he and Anya leave anyway. Spike and the bot watch them go. The bot frowns and wiggles her shoulders. Spike comes around in front of her.

BUFFYBOT: Hmm. I don't understand this. I-I did the slaying. I should be...
SPIKE: (leering) Satisfied?
BUFFYBOT: (nods, pouts) But I'm not. I-I'm all ... (wiggles her shoulders) my skin is all hot. (Spike grinning) Do I look hot to you?
SPIKE: Always.
BUFFYBOT: (suggestively) You better feel me to make sure.
SPIKE: I can do that.

They kiss.

Cut to Xander and Anya walking through the dark graveyard, out the front gates. They turn and start walking down the sidewalk.

ANYA: (coughs) I breathed in like a quart of vampire dust. That can't be good. (putting her stake away in a coat pocket)
XANDER: I wish Giles told us they were back from the desert. I wish I knew what went on there.
ANYA: Oh, you know, Slayer-Watcher stuff. Probably some silly ritual with an enchanted prairie dog or something.
XANDER: (shakes head) Whatever it was, I think she's still a little spacy.
ANYA: (shrugs) She fought okay.
XANDER: Yeah. (stops walking) Hey, she never asked about Dawn.
ANYA: That's true.
XANDER: Something's wrong.

Moaning noises. Xander and Anya look back at the graveyard. Shot of something blurry, impossible to see through the leaves of bushes that separate the graveyard from the street.

XANDER: (softly) I hear something.

He gestures to Anya to be quiet as they move toward the bushes.

Shot of Spike and the bot still in the graveyard. Spike lies on his back with the bot straddling him and rocking up and down. Her skirt covers their hips.

BUFFYBOT: Oh Spike. You're the big bad.

Shot of Anya and Xander watching in amazement.
BUFFYBOT: (OS) You're the BIG bad!

Cut to Willow and Tara sitting on the sofa watching TV. Tara has her head on Willow's shoulder.
WILLOW: Those darn Salem judges. With their less-satanic-than-thou attitude.
TARA: Oh, honey, let's change it. The Discovery channel has koala bears.

Willow clicks the remote.

Xander and Anya burst in.

XANDER: Where's Dawn?
TARA: She, she's in the bedroom, she fell asleep.
XANDER: Good.
WILLOW: What's goin' on?
XANDER: Buffy's gone insane. (Anya nods)
WILLOW: What? What'd she do?
XANDER: Brace yourself. You're not gonna believe it.
TARA: Everyone, before we jump all over her, people do strange things when someone they love dies. When I lost my mother, I-I did some pretty dumb stuff, like lying to my family and staying out all night.
ANYA: Buffy's boinking Spike.

Xander nods. Willow and Tara look surprised.

WILLOW: (pause) Oh ... well, Ta-Tara's right. Grief can be powerful, and we shouldn't judge-
TARA: What are you, kidding? She's nuts!
WILLOW: Well, it's not healthy, we're all agreeing there.
TARA: What can we do?
ANYA: Sometimes in the movies when they go crazy they slap 'em.
XANDER: I'm gonna go find her and talk to her. If she's losing it, we gotta help her before she gets herself hurt.
TARA: You aren't really gonna slap her, are you?
XANDER: No, but if I have to see her straddle Spike again, I will definitely knock myself unconscious.

He turns and leaves. Anya shrugs to herself.

Cut to: Buffy asleep on a rock. There's a fire burning nearby. She sits up.

BUFFY: Hello? Who's there?

On the other side of the fire, we see the First Slayer (see episode "Restless"). Buffy stares.

Cut to: Spike leaning against a pillar, smoking a cigarette. His hair is again messy. Rustling noises. Spike looks toward the door as the Buffy Bot rises from the floor in front of him. They both look over at the noise.

BUFFYBOT: Who's that?
SPIKE: (begins fastening his pants) Uh ... Down there. (points to the trapdoor leading down to the cavern) And, uh, no matter what, don't come out till I get you, okay?
BUFFYBOT: (nods) Okay.

She walks over to the trapdoor and starts down.

Spike looks toward the door as it opens and Xander comes in.

SPIKE: Oh, it's you.
XANDER: (closes door) I saw you ... in the cemetery with Buffy.
SPIKE: Yeah? (with bravado) Can't see how it's any business of yours.
XANDER: It is my business because Buffy's my friend .. and she's gone through some stuff lately that ... well, it's affected her, and you're taking advantage of her.
SPIKE: (sighs) She's upset about her mum. (takes a drag on his cigarette) And if she turns to me for comfort, well, I'm not gonna deny it to her. I'm not a monster.
XANDER: Yes. You are a monster. Vampires are monsters. They make monster movies about them.
SPIKE: (sarcastic) Well, yeah, you got me there.

Xander grabs Spike by the front of his shirt.

XANDER: Spike, Buffy has lost of friends, and we love her very much, and we'll do whatever it takes to protect her. Now if that means killing you, then, well, that's just a bonus.

The door opens and Jinx appears.

JINX: Gentlemen! (begins to enter, followed by more demons) I'm so sorry to intrude, but I wondered if I might beg a moment of your time.
SPIKE: (to Xander) Friends of yours?

Jinx punches Xander in the stomach.

SPIKE: Guess not.

Spike kicks Jinx. Xander struggles to his feet as the fight continues. Xander takes another kick to the chin and goes down again. Spike exchanges more blows until two of the demons get him by the arms. He head-butts another of them.

JINX: Tie his hands! Glory will want him restrained.
SPIKE: (struggling) Let me go!
JINX: Careful with him. She will want the key intact.
SPIKE: Key? Who's a key? I'm not the-

Jinx stuffs something in Spike's mouth. Spike continues struggling and muffled yelling as the demons drag him out.
Blackout.


Act III

Open on Buffy at the fireside. Throughout the ensuing scene we see the First Slayer through the flames, sometimes obscuring her entirely.
BUFFY: I know you. You're the first Slayer.
FIRST SLAYER: This is a form. I am the guide.
BUFFY: I have a few questions ... about being the Slayer. What about ... love? Not just boyfriend love.
FIRST SLAYER: You think you're losing your ability to love.
BUFFY: I-I didn't say that. (sighs) Yeah.
FIRST SLAYER: You're afraid that being the Slayer means losing your humanity.
BUFFY: Does it?
FIRST SLAYER: You are full of love. You love with all of your soul. It's brighter than the fire ... blinding. That's why you pull away from it.
BUFFY: (surprised) I'm full of love? I'm not losing it?
FIRST SLAYER: Only if you reject it. Love is pain, and the Slayer forges strength from pain. Love ... give ... forgive. Risk the pain. It is your nature. Love will bring you to your gift.
BUFFY: (pause) What?

Cut to the Buffy Bot climbing out of the underground cavern.

BUFFYBOT: Spike? (looks around) I waited like you said, but then I missed you. Spike?

She walks off, not noticing Xander lying on the ground behind her.

Cut to: darkness, sound of someone knocking on a door.
WILLOW: Xander, did you-

Willow opens the door to discover the Buffy Bot.
BUFFYBOT: Spike's gone!
WILLOW: Bu-Buffy. Uh, come in. Shh! It's late!

Willow ushers the bot in, closes the door. They walk through the darkened living room.

WILLOW: Wait.

Willow picks up a blanket from the floor, wraps it around herself, and she and the bot go out onto a balcony.

WILLOW: (whispers) We can talk out here.

She closes the door quietly and goes over to the bot.

WILLOW: Did Xander find you? He-he was looking for you.

Shot of Willow from the bot's perspective. Her attributes are:
best friend
gay (1999-present)
witch
good with computers

WILLOW: He hasn't come back. Anya sat up waiting.
BUFFYBOT: I don't know where Xander is. I haven't seen him. And when I came out of the tunnel, Spike was gone. I need to find him.
WILLOW: (winces) Um ... Buffy, this thing with Spike, i-i-it isn't true, is it? You didn't, you know, sleep with Spike?
BUFFYBOT: No.

Willow smiles with relief.

BUFFYBOT: I had sex with Spike. (Willow winces again) I'm sorry if it bothers you. You're my best friend.
WILLOW: I-I am. And I, I always will be, no matter what you do. I, I'm just trying to figure out why this happened, and I, I think with ... your mom and everything ... everyone was being all sympathetic, and, and making you feel weak. A-and Spike wasn't like that. So, just this one time, you just ... did something kinda ... crazy.
BUFFYBOT: (shakes head) It wasn't one time. It was lots of times. And lots of different ways. I could make sketches.
WILLOW: (disgusted) No! Buffy, there is something seriously wrong here! I ... (the bot looks confused) Okay, yeah, you've been with a vampire before, but Angel had a soul.
BUFFYBOT: Angel's lame. His hair grows straight up, and he's bloody stupid.
WILLOW: (confused) Okay ... look, I just wanna help you. Let me help you.
BUFFYBOT: You're my best friend.
WILLOW: Yeah. Again, I ... really am, but...
BUFFYBOT: You're recently gay.
WILLOW: Um...

Behind them, the apartment lights up. They turn to see through the window that Xander has returned.
XANDER: (inside) Guys! Guys, wake up.

Willow gives the bot one last confused look and goes inside. The bot follows.

Tara sits up from sleeping on the floor. Anya gets up from sleeping on the sofa.

ANYA: Oh, Xander, I was scared, are you hurt? What happened?
XANDER: Guys ... demony kinds of guys. Buffy.
BUFFYBOT: Yes, that's me.
XANDER: The guys that work for Glory, you said they're kind of like hobbits with leprosy? Well this was a whole flock of hobbits, and they just grabbed Spike. I think they're taking him to Glory.
WILLOW: But he, he knows about Dawn. (Xander nods)
BUFFYBOT: We have to get him back. (Willow gives her a disturbed look)
XANDER: So how do we find him?

Everyone looks at the bot. She looks uncertain.

BUFFYBOT: I fight with weapons.
XANDER: Yeah. I got nothin'. Let's hit your place, we'll stock up.
WILLOW: Uh, Tara, can you stay here a-and watch Dawn?
TARA: Of course.

The others all walk off.

Cut back to Buffy in the desert.
BUFFY: I-I'm sorry, I, I'm just a little confused. I'm full of love, which is nice, and ... love will lead me to my gift?
FIRST SLAYER: Yes.
BUFFY: I'm getting a gift? Or, or do you mean that, that I have a gift to give to someone else?
FIRST SLAYER: Death is your gift.
BUFFY: Death ...
FIRST SLAYER: Is your gift.
BUFFY: Okay, no. Death is not a gift. My mother just died. I know this. If I have to kill demons because it makes the world a better place, then I kill demons, but it's not a gift to anybody.

The First Slayer is obscured by the flames, following the contours of her body.
FIRST SLAYER: Your question has been answered.

She, as well as the fire, disappears. All that's left is cold gray rocks and sand. Buffy frowns in confusion.

Cut to: Glory's apartment. The door bursts open and the two main demons enter with Spike, whose hands are tied behind him. Glory gets up from the sofa where she was reading a magazine.

GLORY: What the hell is that, and why is his hair that color?
MURK: Stunning one, we believe he is...
MURK AND JINX: (unison) The key!

Spike looks annoyed. Glory smiles.

GLORY: Really? That's fantabulous! (comes forward, shoves Murk away) And impossible. (walks in a circle around Spike) He can't be the key, because, see, the key ... has to be pure.

She returns to Spike's front and sniffs at him.

GLORY: This is a vampire. (Spike looks at her in alarm) Lesson number one, vampires equal impure.
SPIKE: (a little scared) Yeah, damn right I'm impure. I'm as impure as the driven yellow snow. Let me go.
GLORY: You can't even brain-suck a vampire. (pats Spike on the chest) He's completely useless.
SPIKE: So, I'm just gonna let myself out.

He tries to escape but Murk stops him.

JINX: But, your holiness, we observed the Slayer. She protected this one above all others. (Glory looks over his shoulder at Spike) She treated him as precious.
GLORY: Really? Precious-ss-ss?

She pushes Jinx aside and goes over to Spike again.

GLORY: Let's take a peek at you, precious. (looks him up and down)
SPIKE: Sod off.
GLORY: Oh... (laughs)

She punches Spike and he flies backward, crashes into the wall and slides down it. There's blood on his lip. Glory comes over and tilts his head up to look at him.

GLORY: He doesn't look very fancy to me. (grabs Spike by the lower lip and pulls him upright)
SPIKE: Hey, watch the lip!
GLORY: But if the Slayer protects him, maybe appearances are deceiving.

She throws Spike onto her round bed. He lands on his back with his hands pinned underneath him. As he groans in pain, Glory climbs on top of him.

GLORY: Maybe there's something on the inside.

She takes one finger, with its long red fingernail, and thrusts it into Spike's stomach. He screams in pain. Glory leans over him.

GLORY: Shhh. What do you know, precious? What can I dig out of you?

Shot of Spike writhing in pain.

Cut to: Summers house, day. Xander opens the door for the Buffy Bot, who enters followed by Xander, Anya, and Willow. They walk into the living room.

BUFFYBOT: (smiling) This is my house.
XANDER: If we're gonna stop Spike from blabbing about Dawn, we're gonna need these.

He goes to the big weapons chest and opens it.

ANYA: Ooh, the big guns.

Xander takes out a weapon and gives it to Anya, takes out another one for himself.
ANYA: Saddling up. Shouldn't we have guns?
BUFFYBOT: Those are my weapons. Give me something big and sharp.
WILLOW: Um, Buffy, where do we go? Where should we look for Glory?
BUFFYBOT: She's a god. She wants the key.
XANDER: Yeah, so we should look...

They all look at the bot.

BUFFYBOT: I don't know. Why are you all looking at me? (They all look confused)
XANDER: Okay, Buff, it's okay, you're right, you shouldn't have to know everything.
BUFFYBOT: We need to rescue Spike.
WILLOW: Um ... Buffy, I, I think you have more weapons upstairs. Why don't you go get those?
ANYA: And maybe change your clothes, you know, something more ... fighty.
BUFFYBOT: I can do that. I'll be right back.

She turns with a smile and walks off.

XANDER: Okay, this has gone way too far. She thinks we're going to rescue Spike.
WILLOW: What *are* we gonna do?
XANDER: Find him, keep him from talking, whatever it takes.
ANYA: What do we do with Glory?
WILLOW: Whatever we do, we're gonna need Buffy's help.
XANDER: Then we're gonna have to talk to her.
WILLOW: Intervention time again?
XANDER: Yeah, 'cause what we need right now is a sane Buffy.

The real Buffy enters, still wearing her brown pants and turtleneck, carrying her brown coat.

BUFFY: Whoa. Group hang time?

The others look surprised.

WILLOW: Tha-that was quick.
BUFFY: Didn't seem like it to me. Death is my gift. (scoffs)

The others are completely bemused.

XANDER: Buffy, we need to talk.
BUFFY: (alarmed) What's wrong? Is Dawn okay?
WILLOW: Dawn's fine.
XANDER: Buffy, we care about you, and we're worried about you. The way you're acting, the things you're doing-
ANYA: It's wrong.
WILLOW: Wait. This shouldn't be about blame.
BUFFY: Blame? There's blame now?
WILLOW: No, there's only love. And ... some fear.
ANYA: Which is kind of thrown by the you having sex with Spike.
BUFFY: The ... who whating how with huh?
ANYA: Okay, that's denial. That usually comes before anger.
BUFFY: (angrily) I am not having sex with Spike!
ANYA: Anger.
XANDER: No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well-muscled.
BUFFY: (firmly) I am not having sex with Spike! But I'm starting to think that you might be.
XANDER: (scoffs) Buffy, I saw you. Anya too. (Anya nods) We saw you and Spike ... (gestures vaguely) with the straddling.

The Buffy Bot enters, looking offended.

BUFFYBOT: Spike's mine. Who's straddling Spike?

She strides up next to Buffy, who stares at her in amazement.

BUFFY: Oh my god.
XANDER: (amazed) And so say all of us.
BUFFYBOT: Say, look at you. You look just like me! We're very pretty.
WILLOW: Two of them!
XANDER: Hey, I know this! They're both Buffy!
BUFFY: (annoyed at him) No, *she*'s a robot. She acts just like that girlfriend-bot that Warren guy made. You guys couldn't tell me apart from a robot?
BUFFYBOT: Oh, I don't think I'm a robot.
ANYA: She's very well done.

The bot smiles at her.

XANDER: Spike must have had her built so he could program her t-
BUFFY: (horrified) Oh god.
WILLOW: Yikes. Imagine the things-
BUFFY: No! No, no imagining. Any of you.
XANDER: (raises his hand) Already got the visual.
BUFFYBOT: People. Friends of mine. You're forgetting the most important thing. Glory has Spike and she's going to harm him.
BUFFY: (softly) Glory has Spike?
XANDER: (nervous laugh) We were gonna bring that up.
ANYA: We were getting weapons.
BUFFY: Grab 'em. We're going now. I have to kill him.
WILLOW: We don't even know where to look.
BUFFY: (ponders) I know where to start.

Cut to: Glory's apartment. Spike's hands are tied together over his head. He stands in the middle of the room with the demons around the edges. His shirt is torn partly off and his facc is bloody.

GLORY: I have a riddle for you, precious. How is a vampire that won't talk ... like an apple?

She walks up to Spike, grabs his hair and pulls his head back. We see that his chest is also bloody and has at least one ugly round wound from Glory's finger. With her free hand she has a dagger which she uses to cut his chest. Spike yells in pain.

GLORY: Think I can do you in one long strip?
SPIKE: (weakly) Enough. No more. I'll tell you who the sodding key is.
Blackout.


Act IV

Open on a shot of Sunnydale, daylight. We see the hill atop which is Glory's apartment building. Pan down to the park below.

BUFFY: (OS) Glory's key-sniffing snake was about here when I killed it. It was headed back to her.
WILLOW: (OS) Do you think she lives around here?

Pan down more to discover the Scooby gang with Giles and the Buffy Bot standing around. Most of them have weapons, including the bot.

XANDER: It's not a lot to go on.

Closer shot of Buffy.

BUFFY: (shrugs) It's all we got.
GILES: (staring at the bot) Quite extraordinary really.
BUFFYBOT: Thank you. But I really think we should be listening to the other Buffy, Giles. (She pronounces it with a hard G like "guy") She's very smart and she's gonna help us save Spike.
GILES: Guy-les? (turns to address the real Buffy) Spike didn't even bother to program my name properly.
BUFFY: Listen, skirt girl, we are not going to save him. We're going to kill him. He knows who the key is, and there's no way he's not telling Glory.
BUFFYBOT: You're right. He's evil. (smiles) But you should see him naked. I mean really.

Buffy grimaces in disgust.

BUFFY: Okay, guys, split up and spread out. Check the priciest-looking places first. Xander, you come with me. Willow, Anya, stick together, and Guy-les ... Giles- (Giles looks annoyed) you can watch ... it.

Giles sighs, turns back to the bot. She gives him a huge grin.

Cut to: Glory holding a glass of water to Spike's lips. He drinks it all. Blood from the wound above his eye and the wound in his lip is trickling down his cheeks making him look quite battered.

GLORY: Is that better? (Spike coughs) Do you think you can try to talk again now? (Spike nods) Good. Because I'm tired of these games!

She smashes the glass against Spike's face. It breaks into pieces.

GLORY: (turns away) "I need time, I need a drink," you're a very needy little bloodsucker, (sits on the sofa) and it's not very attractive.

Spike glares at her.

GLORY: So start talkin'.
SPIKE: Yeah. Okay. The key. Here's the thing...

Shot of Spike's hands with chains wrapped around them. He twists them around trying to loosen the chains.

SPIKE: It's that guy... on TV ... what's his name?
GLORY: (frowns) On the television?
SPIKE: That show ... the prize show ... where they guess what stuff cost?
MURK: The Price Is Right?
JINX: Oh, Bob Barker!
MURK: We will bring you Bob Barker! We will bring you the limp and beaten body of Bob Bark-
GLORY: (jumps up) It is not Bob Barker, scabby morons! The key is new to this world ... (turns back to face Spike) and Bob Barker is as old as grit. (smiles) The vampire ... is lying to me.
SPIKE: (giggles weakly) Yeah ... but it was fun. And guess what, bitch. (Shot of his hands still trying to twist free) I'm not telling you jack. You're never gonna get your sodding key, 'cause you might be strong, but in our world, you're an idiot.
GLORY: I am a god.
SPIKE: The god of what, bad home perms?
GLORY: Shut up! (takes a few steps toward him, pats her hair) I command you, shut up!
SPIKE: Yeah, okay, sorry, but I just had no idea that gods were such prancing lightweights. (Glory scoffs in disbelief) Mark my words, the Slayer ... is going to kick your skanky, lopsided ass (Glory checks out her ass in dismay) back to whatever place would take a (sizing her up) cheap, whorish, fashion victim ex-god like you.

Glory spins around and delivers a spinning kick to Spike's chest. His hands break free and he goes flying backward, crashing through the apartment's door and into the hallway outside. He does a back-somersault and winds up on the floor against a chair.

SPIKE: (mutters) Good plan, Spike.

Shot of Glory surrounded by her demons as the broken chain dangles in front of her.

GLORY: Bring him back.

Cut to: Spike bloodied and limping, dragging himself down the hall toward the elevator. The elevator doors close before he reaches them. One of Glory's demons comes around the corner and sees him.

DEMON: Here!

Spike tries to catch the elevator doors before they fully close but he's too late. He lands on his knees and pries the doors open.

SPIKE: Oh, god.

Several more demons come running around the corner.

Spike leans over and lets himself fall down the elevator shaft. He lands on top of the elevator as Jinx appears in the doorway.

Shot of the descending elevator with Spike sprawled on top of it. Jinx and another demon watch it go, then they turn away.

Spike rolls over and opens the hatch in the elevator ceiling, falls through it and lands on the floor of the elevator.

Cut to the lobby of the building. The elevator doors open as the group of demons comes down the stairs. Spike gets slowly to his feet.

MURK: You do not insult Glory by escaping.

Spike scowls at them.

The front door opens and Buffy and Xander enter, carrying crossbows.

MURK: Slayer!

Spike closes his eyes in relief and falls back against the elevator wall as Xander grabs one demon by his axe. Buffy shoots the demon with her crossbow. Murk kicks the crossbow out of Buffy's hands and punches her.

Shot of Spike crumpling to the floor.

Buffy kicks Murk down, ducks a punch from another demon and punches him, kicks a third.

Xander uses the axe like a staff to hit another demon, fends him off and stabs a second demon with the axe, takes two punches from the first demon, ducks another punch and hits the demon on the chin with the axe handle.

Buffy blocks kicks from Murk, kicks him in the face, ducks a punch, throws a punch that he blocks, punches him a few times.

A demon grabs Xander around the neck from behind.

Giles and the Buffy Bot enter as Buffy continues fighting Murk.

GILES: Buffy, we're here.

Giles loads his crossbow as Buffy delivers a final kick that sends Murk flying. The bot looks over to the elevator.

BUFFYBOT: Spike! Spike's in there!

Xander continues struggling with the demon who has him around the neck and is threatening him with a small dagger. Giles hits the demon with his crossbow and grabs him as Xander pulls free. Xander flies forward and lands on another demon on the floor.

The bot goes over to the elevator and looks at Spike, who sits on the floor. He's bloody and bruised all over his face and upper chest.

Xander punches the demon.

Giles continues struggling with the other demon until it throws him to the floor and puts the crossbow to his throat.

GILES: Buffy!

The Buffy Bot whirls around.

The real Buffy whirls around.

The bot throws her weapon aside and grabs the demon off Giles. The demon hits her with the crossbow and she flies against the elevator control panel.

The real Buffy kicks the demon, then punches him and he goes down.

The bot sinks to the floor looking surprised as tendrils of blue light flash across her body.

Jinx and Murk run for the stairs. Buffy watches them go.

Cut to: Glory's apartment. Jinx and Murk attempt to explain to Glory what happened.

JINX: The Slayer was there.
MURK: A lethal fighter.
JINX: She seemed to be everywhere at once.
MURK: She had friends. With many weapons!
JINX: They may have been demons.
GLORY: (smiles) And where's my vampire?

The demons look at each other and stammer.

Shot of the broken door to the apartment. Sound of the demons screaming.

Cut to: shot of the Buffy Bot's back. A flap of skin is peeled back revealing her inner workings. Willow is poking at the machinery with tools. It makes sputtering noises.

Pull out to reveal Tara standing next to Willow. They're in the magic shop. The bot is bent over the table.

TARA: (looks across the table) Is it weird?

We see Buffy standing on the other side of the table. Dawn sits beside her.

BUFFY: Oh yeah. (walks closer) At least it's not a very good copy. (sits in the chair next to the bot) I mean...

Buffy lays her head down on the table to look into the bot's face.

BUFFY: ...look at it.
WILLOW: Uh ... yeah. (looks up at Tara)

The door opens and they look up as Xander and Giles enter. Buffy gets up.

BUFFY: What'd you guys do with Spike? And please let the story have a dusty ending.
XANDER: We dumped him back in his crypt.
GILES: Tried to find out if he'd ... told her anything, but he was too badly beaten to make much sense.
ANYA: Well, even if he told her, he'd just lie to us about it anyway, right?
BUFFY: Yeah, you can count on it. But I have to know. Now. If he did give us up, Dawn and I need to get out of town. I mean, she could be on her way right now.

Dawn looks alarmed.

GILES: (to Dawn) But, uh, not to worry, you know, I'm sure we'll all be perfectly safe.
DAWN: (smiles) We're safe, right. And, uh, Spike built a robot Buffy to play checkers with.

Buffy frowns, looks at Tara.

TARA: I-it sounded convincing when I thought it.
WILLOW: Hey! I-I think I found somethin'.

Anya comes over and looks at the machinery.

ANYA: Uch! Looks very complicated in there. Personally, I'd rather look at guts.
WILLOW: (to Buffy) I found where she's broken. Some of these wires got fried extra crispy. (smiles) It's an easy fix.

Buffy gives her an astonished look.

WILLOW: I mean ... not that I would.
XANDER: God, I feel ... kind of bad for the guy. Gets all whupped and his best toy gets taken away.
BUFFY: Xander. Please don't be suggesting what I'd have to kill you for suggesting.
XANDER: No, no, travesty, completely on board, it's just ... the guy was so thrashed.

Buffy considers this.

Cut to: Spike lying in his crypt, daylight outside. His facial bruises have swelled up and his hair is still messy.

The door slams open. The Buffy Bot stands there, no longer wearing her jacket but still in the pink blouse and skirt. She walks briskly over to the coffin where Spike's lying.

BUFFYBOT: Spike! You're covered in sexy wounds.

Spike turns his head toward her. His eyes are swollen mostly shut.

SPIKE: Yeah. (starts to sit up) I feel real sexy. (slowly pulls himself upright) Where you been?
BUFFYBOT: I fell down and got confused. Willow fixed me. She's gay.
SPIKE: Will fixed you? I thought they'd melt you into scrap.
BUFFYBOT: They were confused too. (smiles) Do you wanna ravage me now?
SPIKE: (weakly) Give us a minute. Got some bones need mending.
BUFFYBOT: Why did you let that Glory hurt you?
SPIKE: She wanted to know who the key was.
BUFFYBOT: Oh, well, I can tell her, and then you'll-(turns to leave)
SPIKE: No! (coughs as she turns back) You can't ever. Glory never finds out.
BUFFYBOT: Why?
SPIKE: (quietly) 'Cause Buffy ... the other, not so pleasant Buffy ... anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her. I couldn't live, her bein' in that much pain. Let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did.

She frowns slightly, then leans forward and kisses him softly on the lips. Spike starts to kiss her back, frowns and pulls away.

Shot of her looking at him.

Spike stares at her in amazement.

She turns to walk away.

SPIKE: And my robot?
BUFFY: (turns back) The robot is gone. The robot was gross and obscene.
SPIKE: (lowers his head) It wasn't supposed to-
BUFFY: Don't. That ... thing, it ... it wasn't even real.

She turns and takes a few more steps toward the door. Spike sits with his head hanging. Buffy pauses again but doesn't turn back to him.

BUFFY: What you did, for me, and Dawn ... that was real.

Spike lifts his head to look at her. She turns to look at him over her shoulder.

BUFFY: I won't forget it.

She walks out, closing the door behind her. Spike stares after her.

Blackout.
Executive Producer: Joss Whedon.

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