Season 2 | Episode 23 | “Ted”

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Episode Summary

Buffy’s mom Joyce’s new beau, Ted seems too good to be true. He cooks and he’s a computer specialist — making him an instant hit with both Xander and Willow.

At school, Giles awkwardly chats with Jenny Calendar, but she says his concern about her well-being (since she’s recovered from being a demon) is getting on her nerves.

Ted continues to charm the gang, until he talks to Buffy alone at the mini-golf course and reveals a decidedly dark side. Buffy puts on her Angela Lansbury hat and checks out Ted’s place of business.

She finds out from a co-worker that he’s engaged. She asks Joyce and Ted at dinner if this is true, and Ted denies it — but he’s certainly hoping to ask Joyce to marry him if all goes well.

Buffy leaves and returns through her window as usual, only to find Ted snooping through her things. He sees her slayer journal, and threatens to show it to Joyce if Buffy doesn’t toe the line.

She talks back to him, and he pummels her. A fight ensues and one of her blows knocks him down the steps — killing him.

Buffy goes to school in a daze — she’s never killed someone who wasn’t already undead.

Knowing Buffy wouldn’t have tangled with someone just because he was dating her mom, Xander, Willow and Cordelia try to figure out what Ted was up to. Xander’s extremely concerned, but suddenly says, “Don’t sweat it.”

This is a big, honking clue to Willow, and she realizes what’s caused Xander’s change of attitude — he’s eating one of Ted’s homebaked cookies.

Analyzation shows the cookies contain a tranquilizer. Then Cordelia investigates further and finds out Ted has had four wives.

Meanwhile, at the cemetery, Jenny apologizes to Giles for being short with him, but their warm fuzzy moment is interrupted by a vampire who attacks Giles.

Jenny tries to shoot the demon with Giles’ crossbow, but hits Giles by accident. Giles removes the bow and kills the demon. Buffy discovers the dead Ted in her room, looking remarkably healthy.

She stabs him with a nail file and discovers he’s a robot. Xander, Willow and Cordelia continue their sleuthing and stumble upon what’s left of Ted’s ex-wives in his closet.

Back at the Buffy’s, Ted approaches Joyce, who is freaked to see him, then glad to see him, then completely wigged when he starts short-circuiting and revealing his intent to dominate her.

Buffy whacks him with a frying pan, exposing his robot face and killing him (although on this show you never know…). At school, it’s just another ordinary post-slaying day at Sunnydale, until the gang discover Giles and Jenny making out.

Shooting Scripts

Teaser

EXT. STREET BY BUFFY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
BUFFY walks along the street with XANDER and WILLOW, approaching her house. Will and Xander are
in the middle of a discussion. Buffy walks slightly apart, enjoying the night.

XANDER
You don’t know what
you’re talking about.
WILLOW
Xander, he was
obviously in charge.
XANDER
He was a puppet!
She was using him.
WILLOW
He didn’t seem like the
type to let himself be used.
XANDER
Well, that was her genius.
He never even knew he was
playing second fiddle. Buffy.

BUFFY
Huh?
XANDER
Who do you think was the
real power — the Captain or Tenille?

BUFFY

Um… who are those people?
XANDER
The Captain and Tenille!
(off her blank look)
Boy, somebody was raised in
a culture-free environment.

BUFFY
I’m sorry, I was just —
WILLOW
Thinking?
BUFFY

Not thinking. Just having a lot
of happy nonthoughts. I love it
when things are quiet around here.

XANDER

Yeah, with Spike and Drusilla out
of the way we’ve really been riding
the mellow and am I like jinxing the
hell out of us by saying that?

BUFFY
We’ll let you off this time.
WILLOW

So we’re pretty sure there aren’t any
more Tarakan assassins coming our way?

BUFFY

Angel’s sources say the contract is off.

XANDER

How is Angel? Pretend I care.

BUFFY
He’s getting better.
WILLOW

And you’re loving playing nursemaid.

BUFFY
Oh yeah.
XANDER
So it’s better than playing
naughty stewardess?
BUFFY
Xander…

She steps onto the porch, pulls out her keys. As Xander and Willow step up behind her, Willow turns
to Xander.

WILLOW

I’m just saying, if Tenille was in
charge, she would have had the
little captain hat.

Buffy puts the key to the lock — and the door swings open. She stops, perturbed.

BUFFY
Wait here.

Xander and Willow hang back as she enters.
INT. BUFFY’S FOYER – CONTINUOUS – NIGHT
Buffy steps in, looks around. The house is dark. She pulls a stake out, heads toward the living room.
ANGLE: XANDER AND WILLOW
Outside, wary.
ANGLE: BUFFY
Heads toward the dining room.
From the kitchen comes her mom’s voice:

JOYCE (O.S.)
No!

And a CRASH.
Buffy runs

JOYCE (cont’d; O.S.)
What are you…? Don’t…. oh…

INT. BUFFY’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Dark, moonlit. Buffy bursts in.

BUFFY

Get the hell away from my —

Buffy sees JOYCE, wrapped in a deep romantic kiss with TED BUCHANAN, handsome and athletic, a
born salesman. On the counter near them, a wine bottle and one half full wine glass.

BUFFY (cont’d)
–mom?

Joyce and Ted break. Joyce steps away from Ted, looks at Buffy who quickly hides the stake behind
her back.

BUFFY (cont’d)
I thought I heard…
JOYCE
I broke a wine glass.
So, you’re home early…

Ted smiles, comfortably at ease — unlike Joyce.
TED
Hi.
BUFFY
Hi.
JOYCE

Oh, uh, this is my daughter, Buffy.
And Buffy, this is… this is Ted.

BLACK OUT.

END OF TEASER
Act One

EXT./INT. BUFFY’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – NIGHT
A little later. The lights are on. In b.g. Xander and Willow watch Ted cook mini-pizzas in a pan. In f.g.,
out of their earshot, Joyce dumps the broken wine glass from the dust pan into the trash, Buffy next
to her.

BUFFY

So all these late nights at the gallery,
I gather you were cataloguing more than art.

JOYCE

Well… I’ve been looking for the right
moment to introduce you two. He’s
a wonderful man.
Joyce glances back at Ted, obvious affection in her eyes.

BUFFY
How’d you meet?
JOYCE

He sells computer software,
he revamped my entire system
at the gallery. Freed up a lot of my time.

BUFFY
To meet new people.
And smootch them in my kitchen.

JOYCE

You weren’t supposed to see that.

ANGLE – TED, XANDER & WILLOW AT STOVE
Xander devours a mini-pizza as Ted pulls more from the oven and puts them in a pan.

WILLOW

I like my new nine-gig hard drive…

TED

But you don’t love it, cause without
the DMA upgrades your computer’s
really only half a rocket ship.

WILLOW

Yeah. But who can afford the upgrades?

TED

You can. I get the demos for free.
I don’t see why I shouldn’t give
them to you for the same price.
(hands her his card)
Any friend of Buffy’s…
Willow’s eyes light up and she makes a high squeaking sound.
TED (cont’d)
What?
XANDER
(mouth full of pizza)
That’s the sound she makes when
she’s speechless with geeker joy.
Can I just say this is the finest pizza
ever on God’s green earth. What’s

your secret?

He turns back to the pan, taking it and bringing it over to the island, dumping the pizzas on a plate.

TED

After you bake it you fry it in herbs
and olive oil. And you gotta use a
cast iron skillet. No room for
compromise there.
XANDER

You gotta market these. I mean
people would pay like two, three
hundred dollars apiece.

Ted smiles, dishes up another pizza, carries it to:
BUFFY AND JOYCE

TED
(to Buffy)
Hungry?
BUFFY
No thanks.

He sets the plate down.

TED

Buffy I want to apologize.
That wasn’t how I wanted
us to met. I wanted it to be…
perfect. I’m very fond of
your mother, I guess that’s
pretty obvious…

Ted picks up a FRAMED PHOTO of Buffy and her Mom on the counter. A loving mother daughter deal,
mostly headshot.

TED (cont’d)
…I know you’re the most
important thing in her life
and, well, gosh that makes
you pretty important to me, too.

JOYCE

I really want you to be okay
with this, Buffy.

Ted wraps his arm around Joyce:

TED
Beg to differ…
(to Buffy)
…we really want you to be
okay with this.
BUFFY
I’m okay.
JOYCE
You are?
BUFFY
I am.

Buffy smiles.

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. PARK – NIGHT
A VAMPIRE
Flies back and smashes into a picnic table, breaking it.
BUFFY
Charges. Grabbing a metal trash can lid en route. The stunned vampire puts up his hands as Buffy
begins beating him over the head with the lid.
ANGLE: GILES
Watching Buffy’s mayhem nearby. Mostly we HEAR (rather than see) the carnage she is inflicting.
GILES is concerned about the level of her furor.

GILES

Uh, Buffy… I believe he’s…
(that must have hurt)
…ahhh… it’s staking time, really.
Don’t you think?

BUFFY
Hurls the trash can lid aside, raises a stake high in the air. Stakes the vamp. She straightens up,
breathing hard and Giles joins her.

BUFFY
(looking around)
Any others?
GILES

For their sakes I certainly hope not.

BUFFY

What? I kill vampires, that’s my job.

GILES

True, although usually you don’t
beat them to quite such a bloody
pulp beforehand. Everything all right?

BUFFY
Everything’s fine.
(looking around)
I killed one here Wednesday,
why are they hanging at the park?

GILES

They’re scattered, you know.
Their leaders are gone and
with any luck dead. In times
of crisis they will always return
to the easiest feeding grounds.

BUFFY
(grouchy)
Vampires are creeps.
GILES
(duh)

Yes, that’s why one slays them.

BUFFY

People are perfectly happy,
getting along, then vampires
come in and they run around
and they kill people and they
take over your whole house
and they make these stupid
little pizzas and everyone’s
like “ooh, wow”…
GILES

Uh, Buffy, I believe the subtext
here is rapidly becoming text.
Are you sure there’s nothing
you wish to share with me?

BUFFY
Forget about it. I’m fine.
(hopefully)

You think there’ll be any
more vampires? I can wait…

INT. SCHOOL HALL/LOUNGE – DAY
As the bell rings and the hall fills, Buffy, Willow and Xander exit the classroom and head to the
lounge.

BUFFY

Xander, if you say one more word
about it, things will become dire.

XANDER

Did you eve bother to taste ’em? Noooo.
Well I did and I’m here to tell you, those
mini pizzas have changed my life. Ted
is the master chef.
BUFFY

So? He’s a great cook. What
does that tell you about a person?

XANDER
Everything.
WILLOW
You don’t like him.
BUFFY
I don’t know him.
(with disdain)

I mean so far all I see is someone
who apparently has a good job,
seems nice and polite, my mom
really likes him…
XANDER
(all dramatical)
What kind of monster is he!?

BUFFY

I’m telling you, there’s just
something a little too clean
about this clown.
WILLOW
(amused)
He’s a clean clown!
(off their looks)
I have my own fun…
XANDER

Buff, you’re lacking evidence.
I think we’re maybe into
Sigmund Freud territory.
WILLOW

He has a point. Separation anxiety,
the mother figure being taken away,
conflict with the father figure…

BUFFY
He’s not my father figure!
XANDER
Having issues much?

BUFFY
I am not!

Xander points, with mock-childish dance.

XANDER
You’ve got parental issues,
you’ve got parental issues.
WILLOW
Xander…
XANDER

Freud would have said the exact
same thing. Except he might not
have done the little dance.
BUFFY

I admit it’s weird — seeing my mother
frenching a guy is definitely a ticket to
therapyland. But it’s more than that.
I’m pretty good at sensing what’s
going on around me…

Unbeknownst to Buffy, Ted is moving up behind her.
BUFFY (cont’d)
…and I know that something’s
wrong with this Ted.
XANDER
Ted!
BUFFY

Yeah, Ted. Who did you think I was —

XANDER
Hi, Ted! Ted who’s here.

Buffy spins, sees.

TED
Hello, kids.
BUFFY
What are you doing here?

TED

I’m updating the software in the
guidance office — which reminds me…

He hands Willow some computer disks.

TED (cont’d)
…your upgrades.
WILLOW

Ohh, what a day! Thank you.

TED

Think nothing of it. Buffy,
you like miniature golf?
XANDER
Who doesn’t?

TED

Your mother and I were thinking,
maybe this Saturday we could drag
the three of you out to the course?
Spend some time swinging the iron
with the stuffy old people?
BUFFY
Well, I guess…
TED

I’m making a picnic basic…
XANDER
Mini-pizzas?
TED
And cookies.
BUFFY
You know, I wish we could
but Saturday we have that thing.

WILLOW
Oh, that thing.
(to Xander)
That thing.
XANDER

Hey, we can do that thing anytime.
I’m tired of that thing. We’re on!

Ted smiles.
INT. COMPUTER LAB – DAY
JENNY is alone, clearing up. Giles enters, hesitantly.
GILES
Hello, Jenny.
JENNY
Rupert. Hi.
GILES

A couple crates of your textbooks
were dropped off at the library. Do
you want me to hold on to them?

JENNY
Yeah, that’s fine. I’ll send
the kids by to pick them up.

GILES
Right. Good.

After an awkward beat, he starts out.

JENNY
That was a pretty flimsy
excuse for coming to see me.

GILES
(stops)

You should hear the ones I threw out.

He comes back in.

GILES (cont’d)

I wanted to see how were you doing.

JENNY

I’m doing pretty good, actually.
I’ve stayed out of mortal danger
for three whole weeks. I could
get used to it. Still don’t sleep
too well, though.
GILES

Of course. Well, you need time.

JENNY

Or possibly space. Rupert, I know
you’re concerned, but having you
constantly poking around making
puppy dog eyes at me and wondering
if I’m okay… you make me feel bad
that I don’t feel better. I don’t want
that responsibility.
GILES

I’m sorry. I certainly don’t mean
to make dog eyes at you. I’m just–

JENNY
Worried, I know.
GILES

I shouldn’t have bothered you.

He leaves. Jenny looks after him, obviously unsatisfied with the whole exchange.
INT. ANGEL’S APT. – NIGHT
It’s dark and romantic. Buffy changes the bandage on ANGEL’S wounded hand, wrapping it quickly
and neatly.

BUFFY

So Mom’s like, “Do you think
Ted will like this” and, “That’s
Ted’s favorite show,” and “Ted’s
teaching me computers” and “Ted
said the funniest thing,” and I’m
like, “That’s great, Mom”. And
then she said I was being sarcastic,
which I was, but I’m sorry if I don’t
want to talk about Ted all the time.

ANGEL
So you’ll be talking about
something else at some point?

BUFFY

I’m sorry. It’s just, I have so much
to deal with, I don’t need some new
guy in my life right now.
ANGEL

No, but maybe your mom does.

Buffy looks a little sheepish, says mock-sullenly:

BUFFY

Oh, sure, if you’re gonna use wisdom…

ANGEL
(smiles)
Loneliness is about the
scariest thing there is.
BUFFY

Okay, fine, so Mom needs a guy.
Why does it have to be Ted?

ANGEL

You have somebody else in mind?
There’s a guy out there that would

satisfy you?
BUFFY

Well… Dad… Okay, that’s not
gonna happen. Reality check.
I’ll give Ted a chance. I’ll play
mini golf. I’ll smile and curtsey
and be the dutiful daughter.

(beat)
Do I have to like him?
ANGEL
Kiss me.
BUFFY

Oh, finally something I wanna do.

So she does.
EXT. MINIATURE GOLF COURSE – DAY
Buffy, Ted, Joyce, Xander and Willow, clubs in hand, stand before:

XANDER

The dreaded par five cuckoo clock.
So many came, so few conquered.

Xander addresses his ball. Joyce turns to Ted.
JOYCE

That picnic was delicious. You
know how rare it is to find a man

who cooks?
TED

I know I’ve been looking
a long time for one.
Joyce laughs. Ted winks at Buffy. Buffy smiles, trying.
TED (cont’d)
So Buffy, I’m sure the boys are
lined up around the block trying
to get a date with you.
BUFFY
Not really.
WILLOW

Oh they are but she’s only interested in…

uh… her studies. Book-cracker Buffy,
it’s kind of her nick name.

Willow moves to take her shot.

TED

Glad to hear that. I bet that means
your grades’ll be picking up soon.

BUFFY
My grades?

Ted moves to shoot. Buffy moves to Joyce.

BUFFY (cont’d)

How does he know about my grades?

JOYCE

I told him. He wants to know all about you.
He’s concerned, that’s a good thing.
(sees Ted shoot)
Nice shot, Ted!
TED
Thanks, Joycee.
Joyce prepares to take her swing. Ted holds her arms from behind.
TED (cont’d)
Steady swing, lead to the right.

Buffy watches her mother and Ted hit the ball together.
TED (cont’d)
Perfect.
JOYCE
Thanks to you.

Ted chuckles. Off Buffy, not loving this guy.
ANGLE – ANOTHER HOLE – LATER
This is one of those holes where you hit the ball in a little castle or something and it rolls down onto
a turf on a lower level not visible from the tee.
Ted, Joyce, Willow and Xander watch as Buffy swings.
TED

Eye on the ball… watch those elbows…

Her ball goes wild into some bushes.

TED (cont’d)
Bad luck, little lady.
JOYCE
We won’t count it.
TED
We won’t?
JOYCE

Well, it’s just miniature golf.

TED

It is, but the rules are the rules.
What we teach her is what she
takes into the world when we’re
not there, whether it’s at school
or an unchaperoned party…

Ted looks at Buffy, smiles.

TED (cont’d)

I don’t mean to overstep my bounds,
this is between you and your mother.
I just think right is right.

Buffy looks to her mother.

JOYCE
He has a point…
BUFFY

(not what she wanted to hear)
Yah. I’ll just go hit from the rough.

Buffy disappears into the bushes.
ANGLE – THE BUSHES – BUFFY LOOKS AROUND
No one can see her. She picks up her ball, walks to the turf, drops it near the hole and kicks it in,
calling back over her shoulder:

BUFFY (cont’d)
Hey, how ’bout that,
I got a hole in two.
TED (O.S.)
Beg to differ.
Buffy whirls around. Ted is standing right next to her.
BUFFY

Okay, so fine my score or whatever…

TED
I think you’re missing
the point here, little lady…

Ted starts tapping the golf club against his shoe. Creepy like. Although he’s still the friendly
salesman, we get our first glimpse into his psycho soul:
TED (cont’d)
Right is right. Wrong is wrong.
Why don’t people see that?

BUFFY
It’s just a game.
TED
Right. It’s just a game.
Do your own thing…
He takes a step closer, the golf club hitting his leg harder and faster.

TED (cont’d)
Well I’m not wired that way.
I’m here to tell you it is not
a game and it does count and

I don’t stand for that kind of
malarkey in my house.
BUFFY

Then I guess it’s a good thing
I’m not in your house.
TED

Do you want me to slap that
smart ass mouth of yours?

Buffy reacts as Joyce, Willow, Xander come into view. And the nice guy smile comes back to Ted’s
face.

TED (cont’d)
Who’s up for dessert? I made
chocolate chip cookies.

Ted pulls out a big baggie of cookies.

XANDER
Yum, me!
WILLOW
Cookies.
TED

I made too many, so you guys
are gonna have to take some home…

Buffy takes a step back, watching this cobra as the people she cares for most about gather
innocently around him for cookies.

JOYCE

Oh, you have to try one of these,
Buffy, they’re really good.

Off Buffy.

BLACK OUT.

END OF ACT ONE
Act Two

EXT. BUFFY’S HOUSE – DAY – ESTABLISHING
INT. BUFFY’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY
Joyce hums a little tune to herself as she sets out juice and sticky buns. Buffy enters in a bad mood
from lack of sleep and Ted terror. Avid fans may note the absence of the framed photo of Buffy and
Joyce.

JOYCE
Good morning sunshine.
BUFFY
Hi.
JOYCE

I’ve got juice. I’ve got sticky buns.
Don’t they smell good?

Buffy tears off a tiny piece o’ bun.

JOYCE (cont’d)
Ted made them.

Buffy puts the piece back down.

JOYCE (cont’d)
What?
BUFFY

I’d just like to eat something
around here that Ted didn’t make.

JOYCE

What kind of attitude is that?

BUFFY

Look, Mom, I know you think
he’s great and all but —
JOYCE

He’s gone out of his way to be nice
to you and you couldn’t find two
words to say to him on Saturday.
Now I don’t expect you to love him
right away like I do, but I do expect
you to treat him decently.
BUFFY
You… love him?
JOYCE
(beat)

I don’t know, that kind of slipped out…
but I guess… it’s not exactly like men
beat down the door when you’re a…

BUFFY
…single parent.
JOYCE

I would never have anything to do
with anyone who didn’t care about
you. But he does, I don’t understand
why you can’t see that.
BUFFY
He threatened me.
JOYCE
What?
BUFFY

He said he was going to slap my face.

Joyce looks at her daughter, concerned, then she does an odd thing: she smiles.

JOYCE

He never said any such thing. Ted told
me what happened. He caught you
cheating, didn’t he.
BUFFY
Yes. I kicked my ball in,
so put me in jail, but he wigged–

JOYCE

He didn’t say anything about it
in front of the others, did he.

BUFFY
No, but–
JOYCE

I think that was pretty decent of him.

Joyce begins eating little pieces of the sticky bun. Just a little faster than a normal person would.

JOYCE (cont’d)
Ted says we’re just going to have
to give you time to come around.
Speaking of which, he’s making
dinner for us tonight, please be
here promptly at six.
Joyce smiles at Buffy — just a little too similar to Ted’s smile.
JOYCE (cont’d)
These are so delicious.

EXT. SCHOOL – DAY – ESTABLISHING – STOCK

WILLOW (V.O.)

What do you mean, check him out?

EXT. SCHOOL QUAD – DAY
Buffy is with her buds. They sit and eat cookies as they talk to her.

BUFFY

I mean, investigate him. Find out his
secrets. You can do it, Will. Hack
into his… Life.
XANDER

Can you say, ‘over-reaction’?

BUFFY

Can you say, ‘sucking chest wound’?

WILLOW

Buffy, it just seems like you want
him to be corrupt or something.

BUFFY

The man lost his sense over mini golf.

XANDER

So he’s uptight. Last I heard,
that wasn’t a slaying offense.
(off her look)
Don’t give me the look. I’m on
your side. I’m just saying there
are some things you have to accept.

BUFFY

And I’m saying Ted ain’t one of ’em.

Cordy walks by.

XANDER
Hey, Cordy. Nice outfit.

CORDELIA
(stopping)
Oh, very funny.
XANDER
Not really…
CORDELIA
What are you saying?
XANDER
“Nice outfit”.
CORDELIA

Why don’t you just keep your mouth shut?
She takes off. Xander looks after her, not mad so much as weary.
XANDER
Would you guys excuse
me for a second?
He goes after her. Willow watches him, brow furrowed.
WILLOW
What’s up with them?

ANGLE: XANDER AND CORDELIA
as he catches up to her.

CORDELIA
What’s wrong with you?
XANDER
I gave you a compliment.

He’s unusually calm and content with her.

CORDELIA
In front of your friends!
They’re gonna know!
XANDER
They’re gonna know what?
CORDELIA
Please. It’s too traumatic
for me even to say it.
XANDER
That we kissed?
CORDELIA
Gnegh!
XANDER

I’m not gonna tell them and they’re
not gonna know. Not your friends,
not my friends. You wanna go in
the utility closet and make out?

CORDELIA
(furious)
God! Is that all you
ever thinking about?

Beat.

CORDELIA (cont’d)
Okay.

They go.
ANGLE: BUFFY AND WILLOW
They are talking, do not see Xander and Cordy take off.
BUFFY

Willow, I’m not wrong here. Ted
has a problem with me. He acts
like I’m in the way. And Mom’s
totally different since he’s been around.

WILLOW
Different like happy?
BUFFY

Like Stepford. Will you help me?

WILLOW
You know I will. What do
you want me to look for?
BUFFY

Let’s start small. Where does he work?

INT. LORRIN SOFTWARE – DAY – BUFFY
She enters a room. LORRIN SOFTWARE reads a large sign.
BUFFY’S POV – Rows of desks separated by dividers. MEN and WOMEN sell software over the phone.
[Avid fans of the show may note the remarkable similarity between this telemarketing office and our
own production offices.]
WE PAN A CUBICLE and see NEAL, 30 to 50, death of a salesman.

NEAL
(on phone)

…it’s a fantastic product, no p.c.
should be without it… yes, it’s
a little pricey but… no, I don’t
think you’re a feeble-minded
moron… thanks for your time…

He hangs up and dials another number as we PAN to the next cubicle and discover Ted, his neat desk
completely bare except for a picture frame, the back of the frame toward us.

TED
(on phone)
No Mrs. Lawndale, it’s not an
inexpensive piece of software.
As a matter of fact it’s a very
expensive one. Which removes
the risk of crashing your whole
system. Of course if you prefer
something cheap I can recommend…

(smiles)

…trust me, you won’t be sorry.

Ted hangs up and gets up.

Buffy backs out of his line of sight as Ted moves to a large SALES TOTE BOARD. He adds a check
beneath his name (he has ten times more sales than anyone else.)
TED (cont’d)
(to no one in particular)
Going to lunch.
He walks out. Buffy peers around the corner, watching him go.
NEAL (O.S.)
You’re new aren’t you?
Buffy is a little startled by Neal, getting a cup of water nearby.
BUFFY
Oh, uh…
NEAL
I’m Neal.
BUFFY

I’m Bu-linda. Just temping for the day.

(re: tote board)
That guy’s a salesman. Guess he’s
the one to beat around here.

NEAL

Nobody beats the machine. The guy’s
a genius. Pure salesman. Knows
everything about computers, never
loses a client, never yells at the
annoying clients… not that I do…

BUFFY

I guess he’s been doing this for a while.

NEAL

He was here way before me – and
he’ll be here long after I’m gone.
If I sound bitter, I am.
BUFFY

Nobody likes an overachiever.
Well, maybe he’s got ex-wives
and family to support.
NEAL

All he’s got is a girlfriend. I’m
amazed he let her clutter up his desk.

Neal nods towards the picture on Ted’s desk. Buffy looks — CAMERA PUSHES in on the picture frame.

NEAL (cont’d)

Thank god he’s taking off for the wedding.

BUFFY
(evenly)
The wedding?
NEAL

He’s got it set for two months from
now. Believe me, I’m counting the days.

(sees:)

Uh oh, the uber-boss, back to the salt mines.

He moves off. Buffy moves to Ted’s desk. Looks around, casually pivots the picture so she can see it.
It’s the picture from the kitchen but framed differently, showing Joyce but not Buffy.
Buffy picks up the frame, opens the back. Pulls out the photo which is folded in half.
INSERT PHOTO – The half that shows Buffy is wrinkled and bent backwards.
Buffy reacts, hurriedly puts the frame back together, gets the hell out of there.
INT. BUFFY’S DINING ROOM – NIGHT

TED

…we ask that you bless this home
and help those in it to be more
productive, more considerate and…
(makes eye contact with buffy)
…more honest. Amen.
JOYCE
Amen.

Ted dishes pasta Alfredo onto their plates.

TED

Another great day at work.
How was school, Buffy? Did
ya’ learn anything?
BUFFY
Quite a bit.
TED
Good for you.
(re: food)

Well Joycee, what do ya’ think?

JOYCE
I think every home should
have someone like you. It’s fantastic.

(to Buffy)
Don’t you think?

Buffy’s just pushing her fork around the plate.
BUFFY
It… looks pretty good.
TED

Well, you know, little lady, it’s not
just for looks, it’s for building strong bodies.

(smiles)
JOYCE
(eat some)
Honey…

Buffy slowly brings a forkful towards her mouth. But instead of eating:

BUFFY
Are you guys engaged?
JOYCE

What? Goodness, no, what
gave you that idea?

TED

Now Joycee, let me handle this.
Your mother and I are taking things
one step at a time, but if things go
the way I hope someday soon I just
might ask her to tie the knot. How
would you feel about that?
Buffy looks from Ted to her mother, not wanting an answer.
TED (cont’d)
It’s okay to have your feelings,
Buffy. And it’s okay to express them.

BUFFY
I’d feel like killing myself.
JOYCE
Buffy!
TED

No, no, I told her to be honest.

(to Buffy)

Sweetheart, you should try and
get used to me cause you know
what? I’m not going anywhere.

Beat.

BUFFY
May I be excused?
JOYCE

You can go to your room, young lady,
that’s what you can do.

Buffy gets up, heads upstairs.

JOYCE (cont’d)
Ted, I’m so embarrassed.
I don’t know what’s wrong with her.

TED

You don’t get to be salesman of the
year by giving up after a couple of
rejections. She’ll come around, and
a little birdy’s telling me it’s going
to be sooner rather than later.

He puts a comforting hand on Joyce’s forearm. She gains a little strength from his unrelenting
confidence.

JOYCE

Where did you come from?

TED

Straight from the factory. And we
pass those savings on to you.

She laughs, comforted.
EXT. PARK – NIGHT
Buffy sits on a swing, looking into the night.
Nothing’s going on. She looks behind her, around.

BUFFY
Vampires…
(“here kitty”)
Here, vampires…

Nothing doing. She gets up and goes.
INT. BUFFY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Buffy slips in the window. Oh yeah, it’s dark and creepy in here and that’s why it takes a moment for
her to spot Ted leaning against her vanity.

BUFFY
What are you doing?

As usual, Ted is his jovial good guy self.

TED

Your mother said go to your room,
Buffy. I think we both know she
didn’t mean climb out your window
and go gallivanting about town.

BUFFY

First of all, this is my room.
Second of all–

She stops, seeing her vanity drawers open, stakes and holy water out, along with her journal which
is open next to Ted.

BUFFY (cont’d)
–have you been going
through my things?
TED
Yes, I have.
BUFFY
How dare you. That’s my
personal property. How dare you!

TED

I don’t see how it’s any different
than you snooping around my
office. Do you?

Buffy reacts. Ted picks up her journal.

TED (cont’d)

What exactly is a vampire Slayer?

BUFFY

That’s none of your business.

TED

Beg to differ, little lady. Everything
you do is nothing but my business

from now on.
BUFFY

You better get out of here. Now.

Ted moves close to her, invading her space.
TED

Or what. You’ll “slay” me? I’m real,

I’m not some goblin you made up in
your diary. The psychiatrists have a
word for this kind of thing…
(re: journal)

…delusional. From now on you are
going to do what I say when I saw
or I show this to your mother and
you spend your best dating years
behind the walls of a mental institution.
Your mother and I are going to be
happy. You’re not getting in the way
of that. Sleep tight.
After a tense beat he turns to go, journal in hand. She grabs his arm.

BUFFY

That’s mine and you’re not
leaving this room with it.

TED
Take your hand off me.
BUFFY
No.
A stand-off. Until he suddenly slaps her face!

BUFFY (cont’d)
Oh. I was so hoping you’d do that.

And she hauls off and smashes him in the face. About as hard as a slayer can. He slams back into
the door, knocking it open into the hall.
And he comes for her, fast and vicious.
He swings, hits her hard — Arnold Schwarzeneggar hard. She’s stunned. He grabs her by the hair,
drags her towards the door. She knees him, preferably in the groin. Then she hits him hard, once,
twice, as her mother appears in the hallway–
JOYCE
Buffy! Stop it!
Buffy spin kicks him to the head and sends him flying out the door.
INT. BUFFY’S HOUSE – STAIRS – NIGHT
Ted caroms off the wall, loses his footing and tumbles head over heels down the stairs.
His head lands at the bottom with a sharp and nasty THUNK.
Buffy stands at the top of the stairs, breathing hard. Joyce tears past her down the stairs, nearly
falling herself and kneels next to Ted.

JOYCE
Ted… Ted!

She puts her hand on his chest, desperate. She puts her ear to his mouth, listening. She grabs for a
pulse. There is none.
Joyce looks up at her daughter.

JOYCE (cont’d)
You… you killed him.

Off Buffy,

BLACK OUT.

END OF ACT TWO
Act Three
INT. BUFFY’S HOUSE – A HALF HOUR LATER – NIGHT
ANGLE: TED
As the black plastic bag is zipped over his face.
EXT. BUFFY’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS – NIGHT
The area is filled with the usual crime scene professionals.
Buffy sits on the porch, in silent shock. Joyce stands looking into the foyer, away from Buffy, as Ted’s
body is carried out by two morgue guys. Moving past them is DETECTIVE STEIN. He approaches
Joyce.

STEIN

Ma’am, I’m Detective Stein… I’m
sorry but I need to ask you a few
things… Your relationship with
the deceased?
JOYCE

We were… um, seeing each other.

STEIN

Can you tell me what happened?

It’s a beat before she answers:

JOYCE

He fell. Down the stairs. He fell.

STEIN
I see. Did he slip, do you
know what made him fall?
BUFFY
I hit him.

She is still sitting, staring. They turn to look at her. It is suddenly very quiet in here.

BUFFY (cont’d)
I hit him.

INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT
The place is a bustle of activity, even this late. Joyce Summers sits on a bench by herself, waiting.
Quiet.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – CONTINUOUS – NIGHT
Detective Stein sits with Buffy. His tone is intimate and comforting, not interrogational. She speaks
quietly, intensely.

BUFFY
He was in my room…
we got into an argument…

STEIN
About what?

BUFFY
He… um, he’d been–
STEIN
Was this the first time you
two had had an argument?

BUFFY
(after a beat)
No. He threatened me.
He said he would slap me…

STEIN
That was tonight?
BUFFY

No… but he had my diary and
I tried to take it back and… and
then he hit me.
STEIN
Where?

She points to her cheek.

STEIN (cont’d)
It doesn’t look like he hit
you very hard.
BUFFY
(staring at him)
I don’t bruise easily.
STEIN

So you’ve been hit before?

BUFFY
Yes…
STEIN
But Ted never hit you.
BUFFY
I told you, he–
STEIN

–Before tonight. Never hit
you before tonight.
BUFFY

(more confused than angry)
What do you want? I told you
what happened. I didn’t mean to…

STEIN

I believe you. Things got out
of hand. He’s a big guy.

As Buffy stares off, thinking…

JOYCE (V.O.)

Are you charging her with something?

INT. POLICE STATION – LATER – NIGHT
He leans on his desk, Joyce standing before him.

STEIN

We’re not bringing anything up against
your daughter right now. She says Mr.
Buchanan struck her and if that’s the
case… anyway we’re gonna examine it
further. Right now I think you should
just take her home and the two of you
try to get some rest.

Off her look–
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
Joyce’s car drives by.
INT. CAR – NIGHT
Joyce and Buffy sit side by side. Silent. Buffy almost tries to say something to her mother, but either
thinks better of it or can’t think of anything to say.
Joyce never looks at her.
INT. SCHOOL – DAY
Buffy enters the hall, obviously not after a great night’s sleep. She passes a whispering gaggle of
girls — who nudge each other and hush up as she passes.
Further down the hall and she passes two teachers who stare at her unabashedly. She moves into:
INT. LOUNGE – CONTINUOUS – DAY
Where Xander and Willow accost her.

XANDER
Buffy! Are you okay?
WILLOW
How come you’re here?
BUFFY

I couldn’t stay home… Mom
won’t even look at me.

They sit at one of the tables.

WILLOW
What happened? Unless you
don’t want to talk about it…

BUFFY

We had a fight. I lost my temper,
really let him have it.
WILLOW
The papers said he fell.
BUFFY
He fell. Hard.
XANDER
Well, what was he?
BUFFY
What?

XANDER

What was he? Demon? Giant bug?
Some kind of dark god with the
secrets of nouvelle cuisine? I mean,
we are talking creature feature here, right?

Buffy doesn’t answer.

XANDER (cont’d)
Oh, man…
WILLOW

But, I’m sure it wasn’t your fault.
He started it!
BUFFY

Yeah, that defense only works
in six-year-old court, Will.
XANDER
Court? Are you — are they
charging you with something?

BUFFY

I don’t know. Not yet. But… He was
a guy. He was a weird, sleazy guy
but he was a person and I killed him.

WILLOW
Don’t say that.
BUFFY

Why not? Everyone else is.
And it’s the truth.
XANDER
It was an accident.
BUFFY

I’m the Slayer. I had no right
to hit him like that.
XANDER

Look, I don’t know what happened
exactly, but I know you. You would
never hurt anyone intentionally.
You know, unless–
BUFFY
Unless what?
They’re dating my Mom?
(stands)
I’m sorry, guys, I gotta be
alone for a while. I’ll, um, I’ll just…
She can’t think of anything. Turns and goes. They watch her, distraught.
INT. HALL OUTSIDE ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL FLUTIE’S OFFICE – DAY
Buffy walks slowly down the hall At the other end, Giles emerges from the Assistant Principal’s office.
Sees Buffy and crosses to her, stopping her some 15 feet from the office.

GILES
Buffy. Are you all right?

GILES (cont’d)
Stupid question. I’m sorry.
Anything you need, of course,

just ask.

Buffy sees the Assistant Principal (a large, stern woman) step out and signal a waiting teacher to
come in. (Another teacher also waits).

BUFFY
What’s going on?
GILES

You needn’t worry about it.

Buffy steps forward to look.

GILES (cont’d)
They were just asking questions —
your record, your behavior…

ANGLE: BUFFY’S POV INTO OFFICE
She sees the teacher shaking hands with Detective Stein, who motions for her to sit down. The
Assistant Principal hovers nearby.

GILES (cont’d)
Of course I told them you were–
But she takes off, unable to deal. Giles watches her, unhappily.
INT. LIBRARY – AFTER SCHOOL – DAY
Giles crosses from the book cage and drops a bag of weapons on the table. Willow sits at it, firing up
the computer. Cordy stands nearby, Xander pacing intensely.
XANDER

Man, this is killing me! That bastard
was up to something. I know it. If I
could get my hands on him… earlier

this week…
CORDELIA
I thought you liked him.
XANDER
(pointedly)

I sometimes like things that are
not good for me. Besides, no way
no how does Buffy put the big
hurt on an innocent man. Nice
Uncle Ted was dirty.
WILLOW

We gotta prove that somehow.
Xander, you got a pen?

He goes for his back pack, digs.

XANDER

If Buffy has to go to jail because
of that creep, I’m gonna lose it.
He’s gotta be in there, Will.
History of domestic violence,
criminal record… ooh, cookies.

He pulls them out — they are leftovers from the golf day — as he hands Willow the pen. She starts to
copy down a web address.

CORDELIA

I don’t get it. Buffy’s the Slayer,
shouldn’t she have…
XANDER
A license to kill?

He takes out a cookie. Eats.

CORDELIA
Well, not for fun, but… I mean
she’s like this superman. Shouldn’t
there be different rules for her?

WILLOW
Sure, in a fascist society.
CORDELIA

Right! Why can’t we have one of those?

GILES

Whatever the authorities are
planning for her can’t be much
worse than what she’s doing to
herself. She took a human life.
The guilt… it’s pretty hard to
bear and it won’t go away soon.

CORDELIA

Wow, yeah… I guess you’d know
since you helped raise that demon
that got that guy killed that time.

GILES
Yes, do let’s bring that up
as often as possible.

He retreats to the book cage.

XANDER
(eating another cookie)
So, Giles, you’re taking over tonight?

GILES

Buffy’s in no shape to patrol.
The least I can do is pick up
the slack. Someone has to.
WILLOW
Giles, you shouldn’t go out
there without the Slayer.
GILES

Until Buffy regains her equilibrium,
I’m afraid there is no Slayer.
CORDELIA
If you need help…
GILES

Buffy needs your help more than I.
Continue investigating. Find out

some more about Mr. Buchanan,

if you can.

He shoulders his bag and starts out.

WILLOW
Be careful.
GILES
I will.

He’s out the door. Cordy turns to Willow.

CORDELIA
Are you sure it’s a good idea
for him to go out?
WILLOW
Ted’s got no criminal record
I can find. Damn! The guy’s
like, citizen of the year!
XANDER

Don’t sweat it. Everything’ll be fine.

WILLOW
Don’t sweat it?

He smiles, ruffles Willow’s hair.

XANDER
Yeah, cute buddy, we’ll work
it out. No worries.
CORDELIA

What happened to “This is killing me?”

XANDER

Worrying isn’t gonna solve any problems.

The girls look at each other, confused by the radical tude shift. Willow looks at Xander. He puts yet
another cookie in his mouth.
She reaches up. Breaks off half.
INT. BUFFY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Joyce is in the kitchen, putting some old pots and kitchenwares into a cardboard box. Buffy enters,
tentatively.

BUFFY
Can I help?
JOYCE

It’s done. I’ve been meaning to
clean out this junk for months.

A beat. Neither of them knows how to scale this well.
JOYCE (cont’d)
Do you have… homework?

BUFFY
I didn’t mean to hurt him.

JOYCE

I don’t want to talk about this.

BUFFY
Mom, you have to know —
JOYCE

I can’t. Not yet. Please, Buffy,
just go to your room.

She takes the box and goes down to the cellar. Buffy waits, then turns and goes towards her room.
INT. SCIENCE LAB – NIGHT
Willow is in full chemist mode, beakers abubblin’. Xander hands her a solution. She puts it on a slide
and looks at it through a microscope.

WILLOW
Okay…
XANDER
What do we know?
WILLOW
Apparently, the secret
ingredient is not love.
XANDER
What is it, then?
WILLOW

I’m not positive, but I think it’s
Dematorin. It’s like a tranquilizer,
keeps you all mellow and compliant.
And it shares a few components
with ecstasy.
XANDER

This is evidence. This is real evidence
that Ted was some kind of crook.
Buffy’s cleared! Willow, you’re
the best human ever. I adore you.
(off her slightly skeptical look)
That’s the cookies talking, but you rock.

Cordelia enters, holding a sheet of paper.

CORDELIA

Your search finally hit pay dirt. Got
some personal records, marriage
certificates, and an address.
XANDER

Let’s check it out. Get our Slayer
back on her feet before somebody
else gets hurt.

EXT. PARK – NIGHT
Giles waits for a sign of trouble. Someone appears near him and he spins, holds up a cross.
Jenny looks at it, smiles wryly.

JENNY
I get that reaction from
men all the time.

GILES

Jenny! What are you doing here?

JENNY

I saw your car back there…
I wanted to apologize.
GILES

I don’t think this is a good time to —

JENNY

Please. Let me get this out. I was
very harsh the other day. I know
how bad you feel about putting
me in danger before…
GILES

Imagine how I must feel now…

He is looking behind her. She turns to see:
A vampire. Big fella.
INT. BUFFY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Buffy leans on the edge of her dresser, looking at nothing in particular. Thinks she hears something,
calls out softly:

BUFFY
Mom?

But there is no reply. For a moment Buffy sinks back into her depressed reverie, then:

BUFFY (cont’d)
The hell with this.

She grabs her coat, throws it on as she moves to the window. A quick glance at the hall and she tugs
on the window to open it. It won’t budge. She looks more closely.
BUFFY (cont’d)
She nailed it shut?

CLOSE ON: BUFFY
in profile, as she stares down at the window.
BUFFY
Well, it’s official. This day
can’t get any worse.
Ted’s face comes into frame right beside her. Grinning.
TED
Beg to differ…
END OF ACT THREE
Act Four
INT. BUFFY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT – SECONDS LATER
Buffy backs up, confused and horrified.

BUFFY
You… you died…

TED

That’s right, little lady. You
killed me! Do we have
something to say about
that? Are we sorry?

Suspicion creeps into Buffy’s gaze.

BUFFY
What are you?
TED

I’m a salesman! That’s what
you should have remembered.
No matter how you put him down–

He backhands her so hard she flies halfway across the room — slams into a wall.

TED (cont’d)
–a good salesman always
bounces back.

EXT. PARK – NIGHT
The Vampire leaps on Giles, taking him to the ground. Giles manages to hold off actual biting with his
cross, but the guy won’t get off him.
Jenny looks around for a weapon —

GILES
My bag!

She spots it on the group, several feet away. She runs to it, digs in it. Comes up with a crossbow.
Giles punches the Vamp, jarring him enough to roll free. He pulls a stake from his coat but the vamp
knocks it away.
Jenny stands, trying to take aim…
INT. BUFFY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Ted comes at Buffy and she kicks him hard. He staggers back and she comes at him with a series of
blows that would cripple a normal man.
Which Ted is not, since he just smiles and grabs her by the throat.

TED

I had to shut down for a little
while to get you off my back.
You should have seen the intern’s
face when I got up off the table.
It was a hoot. Fun’s over, though.

His fingers tighten.
EXT. PARK – NIGHT
The Vampire grabs Giles, going in for the taste treat. Jenny tries to get a bead —
ANGLE: JENNY’S POV
of the vampire’s back. She’s got a shot.

JENNY
Say good night, big guy…

She fires.
Meanwhilst, the Vamp and Giles spins around in their struggle — and the arrow hits Giles in the side.

GILES
AAAHHH!
JENNY
Oh god! Oh no!
She scrambles to find another weapon, another arrow —
The Vampire lets go of Giles — ’cause he’s laughing.
With grim determination, Giles grabs the arrow (probably out of frame) and pulls in from his side.

VAMPIRE
TA-ha ha ha ha ha!!!
Nice shot, lady.

Giles buries the arrow in the Vamp’s heart. The Vamp’s eyes widen and he stops laughing for a
moment. His last.
INT. BUFFY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Buffy is passing out from the pressure. Ted has her up against her dresser, is still squeezing.
ANGLE: BUFFY’S HAND
searches and finds a nail file.
She swings and stabs his forearm. He backs off, grabbing his arm. Buffy collapses to the floor
gasping and looks up to see:
CLOSE UP: THE CUT
It’s not blood that trickles out. It looks suspiciously like motor oil. And from within, there is a spark.

TED

That wasn’t playing fair, missy.
You’re gonna find–

We hear and electrical short and Ted’s head snaps to the right, a giant smile plastered on his face as
he says:

TED (cont’d)
Hell of a day! Day like this
makes you feel 18 again!

And his head snaps back –

TED (cont’d)

…that I don’t like being disobeyed.
Buffy can hardly speak through the strangling. But she manages to whisper:

BUFFY
How do you like…
being hurt…?

He advances on her, pure murder in his eyes.
INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS – NIGHT
Joyce comes up from the cellar with an empty box. She KICKS the door shut with her foot.

INT. BUFFY’S BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS – NIGHT
This stops Ted. He turns and punches Buffy, knocking her unconscious.

TED

Don’t worry about me and
your mom. We’re going to
be very happy.
He leaves the room, shutting the door behind him. We hear it lock.
INT. MACHINE SHOP – NIGHT
The room is dark, empty, quiet. That is, until the brick smashes through the window.
Xander reaches through and opens the door.

WILLOW (O.S.)
Careful!
Cordy and Willow enter as he switches on the light.
The room is dusty, unused — and kind of a mess. Computer and machine parts litter the place.

XANDER
Let’s look around.
CORDELIA
I’ll take the back.
XANDER
Check for cookies.
(off her look)
For evidence.
WILLOW
(leafing through documents)
I count four marriage certificates.

XANDER
Any divorce papers?
WILLOW
Not a one.
XANDER
So either our boy was
a mormon, or…
WILLOW

Whoah. 1957. Ted must have
married young. Like preschool young.

Cordy comes back in.

CORDELIA
Nothing interesting. It doesn’t
look like anybody worked here,
let alone lived here.
XANDER
Something’s missing. This
doesn’t seem like Ted at all.
CORDELIA
And that rug totally doesn’t

go with the rest of the décor.

Xander and Willow look at each other.
Xander pulls the corner of the rug up.
ANGLE: UNDER THE RUG
is a trapdoor.
INT. BUFFY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Joyce is in the kitchen, busying herself. She hears something behind her. Turns to say:

JOYCE

Buffy, I’m sorry, I know you–

Ted is standing in the doorway.
Joyce freaks — takes a stumbling step backwards, eyes wide, unable to speak.

TED
Joyce…
JOYCE

Ted? Is it really… but you were…

TED
I’m okay. I’m okay…

He crosses to her, takes her in his arms. She lets him hold her a sec, then breaks free, looks at him.

JOYCE
I don’t understand this.
You were dead.
TED

They said I must have been dead
for six minutes. They said any
longer and there would have been
brain damage.
JOYCE
Why didn’t anyone tell us?

TED

Nobody knew! They took me
to the morgue and I was unconscious
for almost a day! An intern found me.
It’s a miracle, Joyce. A miracle.

JOYCE
Oh, Ted…
TED
I know…
JOYCE

Oh my god, Buffy… Ted, I swear
she never meant to hurt you, you
have to believe me.
TED

You don’t have to worry about Buffy.
You don’t have to worry about
anything. Daddy’s here.

INT. TED’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
The trapdoor opens, our three coming down concrete steps.
What they find inside is a time capsule — a perfect kitschy 50’s home set up inside a concrete
bunker. There are even windows that look out onto concrete wall. It’s spotless. It’s creepy.
ANGLE: A RECORD PLAYER
As one innocuous 50’s Jackie and Roy type album finishes and another drops down on top of it, starts
PLAYING.

CORDELIA
Feels just like home, if it’s
the 50’s and you’re a psycho.

The three look around. Xander finds a closet door behind a chest of drawers.

XANDER

Whatdya got in the closet, Ted?

He moves the chest and opens the door.
ANGLE: XANDER FROM INSIDE CLOSET
He goes very still. Steely horror narrows his gaze and he slams the door shut.
He starts out.

XANDER (cont’d)
Let’s go.
CORDELIA
We need evidence —
XANDER
We got it.
WILLOW
What’s in there?
XANDER
His first four wives.

INT. BUFFY’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – NIGHT

TED

You know what brought me back,
Joyce? It was you. I couldn’t go
into that light — I had to come
back for you. I’m gonna make
you so happy…
JOYCE
You should sit down…
TED
I feel fine. Never better.
JOYCE

Ted, I think I should talk to Buffy
first, before she sees you. I know
she’ll want to–
TED
(a little strident)

Do we have to worry about Buffy
right now? How about worrying
about Teddy, he’s the one that died.

JOYCE

I’m sorry, I’m just… I don’t know

what to do.
TED

(softly, taking her hands)
Don’t I always tell you what to do?
I’m gonna make this right, and then

you and I–
A sparking SOUND and his head whips to the side again–
TED (cont’d)

–want a little gravy with that? —

And he’s back —

TED (cont’d)
–can go away where no one
will bother us again.

Okay, now Joyce is starting to get weirded.

JOYCE

Ted, I think you might want
to rest for a while…
TED

I think you might want to stop
telling me what to do. I don’t
take orders from women. I’m
not wired that way.

INT. BUFFY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Buffy begins to stir. Turns, moaning, and coughs.
EXT. PARK – NIGHT
Jenny is kneeling, holding Giles.

JENNY
Oh, god, I’m so sorry…
GILES
I think I’m all right.
JENNY
You’re just in shock–
GILES

No, really. It didn’t go in that deep.
The advantages of layers of tweed,
I guess. Better than kevlar.

JENNY
We’ve still got to get you
to a hospital.
GILES
Yes.

They start to move —

GILES (cont’d)
OW! Ow. Let’s move slowly,
shall we?
Still crazed by the whole deal, Jenny actually starts laughing.
GILES (cont’d)
What is it?
JENNY

Some night, huh? You sure know
how to woo a girl back, don’t you.

GILES
(cracks up too)
Heh heh–owwwwww.
JENNY
Hospital.

INT. BUFFY’S DINING ROOM – NIGHT
Joyce is walking into the dining room, Ted behind her. She is pretending nothing’s wrong. She is not
the great pretender.

JOYCE
I think I could use a drink.
To celebrate.
TED
We should probably be
hitting the road.
JOYCE
Hitting the road?
TED

You’re gonna love the house.
It’s furnished just the way you
like it. I spent a lot of —
(spark)
–telling me what to do!
(normal)
–time decorating.

There is the NOISE from upstairs of Buffy putting her shoulder to her locked door.

JOYCE

Well, then, I’d probably better pack.

TED

I already have your clothes.
They’re your size, they’re
always your size. You left
me once but I keep bringing
you back. Husband and wife
is forever. Forever.

INT. UPSTAIRS HALL – NIGHT
As the lock FLIES off the door, a still dazed Buffy pulling the door open and stumbling out.
INT. BUFFY’S DINING ROOM/FOYER/HALL/KITCHEN – NIGHT

Ted heard that. He grabs Joyce.

TED
Let’s go.

She tries to break free —

JOYCE
Ted, please, let go!
Get OFF ME!

–and succeeds, which kind of displeases him. He slams her into wall, knocking her unconscious.

TED
Fine, then. I’ll have
to carry you.

A CREAK from the foyer makes him stop. He crosses into there — no one about. He moves quietly
down the hall into the kitchen. Turns to go in the dining room.
TED (cont’d)
Come out, Buffy. I don’t
stand for this kind of malarkey
in my house.

Buffy steps up behind him with a large cast iron skillet. When she speaks, it is still a hoarse whisper.

BUFFY
Uncle Teddy…
He turns and she homeruns his face. He flies back, lands hard.
BUFFY (cont’d)
This house is mine.

CLOSE ON: TED
As he sits back up, enough of his face ripped away to reveal the robot beneath.
He stands, Buffy taking a moment to register the creepiness of his new face.

TED
Buffy…

He’s sparking badly, moving like a zombie, his voice now low and mechanical —
–Buffy brings the skillet back —

TED (cont’d)

How about a nice game or Parcheesi?

–and she takes him out. He falls hard, for the last time.
Off her look,

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. FRONT PORCH – DAY
Joyce and Buffy are shelling peas on the porch.
JOYCE

You want to rent a movie tonight?

BUFFY
That’d be fun.

JOYCE

Just nothing with horror in it.
Or romance. Or men.
BUFFY
Sound like we’re Themla
and Louising it again.
JOYCE
Good call.
(beat)

I still think he’s gonna jump out
at me. Especially after what the
police found in his house, it’s
too horrible…
BUFFY

He’s not coming back, Mom.

JOYCE
I wish I could be so sure.
BUFFY

Trust me. He’s on the scrap heap.

(covering)
…of life.

INT. SCHOOL – DAY
The four kids walk towards the library.

XANDER

So I’m Ted the sickly loser, I’m
dying and my wife dumps me.
I build a better Ted. He brings
her back. She dies in his little
love bunker and so he keeps
bringing her back over and over.
That’s creepy on a level I hardly
knew existed.
WILLOW

And the sad thing is, the real
Ted must have been a genius.
There were design features in
that robot that predate–
BUFFY
Willow. Tell me you didn’t
keep any parts.
WILLOW
(guilty)
Not any big ones…
BUFFY
Oh, Will, you’re supposed
to use your powers for good!
WILLOW
I just wanna learn stuff.
CORDELIA

Like how to build your own serial killer?

XANDER

Well, it’s hard to rent one nowadays.

CORDELIA

Can’t we just drop the subject?

BUFFY

Absolutely. The whole incident is
just something I plan to forget. I
want to pick up right where we left off —

As she says it, she opens the door to the library, starts in — and stops. She closes the door (we don’t
see what’s in there, though the kids do) and turns to go, in high dudgeon.

BUFFY (cont’d)
That’s it. I give up. Do I have to
sound an air horn every time I enter a room.

She storms off, the others in tow. The camera tracks forward, to see through the little window:

BUFFY (O.S.)
I mean, what is it with grown
ups these days?
Giles and Jenny, standing in the middle of the library. Necking.

BLACK OUT.

END OF SHOW

Transcripts

Prologue

In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against
the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.
Buffy’s street at night. Willow and Xander are walking ahead of her on
their way to her house.
Xander: You don’t know what you’re talking about.
Willow: Xander, he was obviously in charge.
Xander: He was a puppet! She was using him!
Willow: He didn’t seem like the type of guy who would let himself be
used.
Xander: Well, that was her genius! He didn’t even know he was playing
second fiddle. (turns behind him) Buffy.
Buffy: Huh?
Xander: Who was the real power? The Captain, or Tennille?
Buffy: Ummm… Who are these people?
Xander: The Captain and Tennille? Boy, somebody was raised in a
culture-free environment!
Buffy: I’m sorry. I was just…
Willow: Thinking?
Buffy: No, not thinking. Having a lot of happy non-thoughts. I love it
when things are quiet around here.
Xander: Yeah, with Spike and Drusilla out of the way, we’ve really been
ridin’ the mellow, and I am really jinxing the hell out of us by saying
that.

Buffy: Yeah, but we’ll let you off this time.
They turn down the walk to Buffy’s house.
Willow: So, we’re pretty sure that there’re not more Tarakan assassins
coming our way?
Buffy: Angel’s sources say the contract’s off.
Xander: How is Angel? Pretend I care.
Buffy: (smiles) Getting better.
Willow: And you’re loving playing nursemaid?
Buffy: Oh, yeah!
Xander: So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?
Buffy: Xander…
He chuckles as they climb the steps to the porch. Buffy gets out her key
and reaches up to put it in the door lock. When she pushes on it to
insert it the door just swings in. Cut inside. Buffy stares in,
concerned to find the door unlocked.
Buffy: You guys wait here a second.
She slowly walks in and looks around. After a few seconds she hears a
glass fall and break in the kitchen and her mother cry out.
Joyce: (from the kitchen) No!
Buffy rushes through the dining room to the kitchen door and pushes it
open.
Buffy: Mom!
There she catches her mother locked in an embrace with and kissing a
man. They break off their kiss, and all three of them stare awkwardly at
each other.
Buffy: Oh, my… (exhales) I’m sorry, I… (exhales) I heard…
Joyce: Uh, I-I-I broke a wineglass. Y-y-you’re home early.
Ted: Hi.
Buffy: Hi.
Joyce: (to Ted) Oh! Uh, this is my daughter, Buffy. (to Buffy) Buffy,
this is Ted.
Buffy just stares at him, unsure how to react.
Opening credits roll. Buffy’s theme plays.
~~ Part 1 ~~
The kitchen at Buffy’s house. Xander and Willow have been invited to
stay for dinner. Ted is cooking. He opens the oven and slides in a
baking sheet full of mini pizzas.
Ted: Okay, here we go!
Cut to outside the kitchen door. Joyce empties the dustpan full of
broken glass into the trashcan.
Buffy: So. All these late nights at the gallery recently I gather you

were cataloging more than art.
Joyce: Well, I… I’ve been looking for the right moment to introduce
you two. He’s a wonderful man.
Buffy looks over her shoulder at Ted cooking.
Ted: Sprinkle that on…
Xander: Uh, a little more. Okay, more…
Buffy: How’d you meet?
Joyce: Oh, he sells, uh, computer software. He redid my entire system
at the gallery, freed up a lot of my time.
Buffy: To meet new people. And smooch them in my kitchen.
Joyce: You weren’t supposed to see that.
Cut inside the kitchen. Ted takes the cast-iron pan from the stove, goes
over to the island with it and scoops out several finished pizzas.
Willow: I like my new nine-Gig hard drive.
Ted: But you don’t love it, ’cause without the DMA upgrade your
computer’s only half a rocket ship.
Willow: Yeah, but who can afford the upgrades?
Ted: Well, you can! I get the demos for free, I don’t see why I
shouldn’t give ’em to you for the same price! Any friend of Buffy’s…
Willow squeals with delight. Xander munches on one of the mini pizzas.
Ted: What?
Xander: Oh, that’s the sound she makes when she’s speechless with
geeker joy. Can I just say, this is the finest pizza ever on God’s
green Earth. What is your secret?
Ted: Well, after you bake it, you fry it in herbs and olive oil, but
you gotta use (knocks his pan) a cast-iron skillet. No room for
compromise there.
Buffy and Joyce come back into the kitchen.
Xander: Y’know, you should market these things. I mean, you can get
two, three hundred bucks apiece!
Ted laughs at that and takes the plate with the pizzas over to Buffy.
Ted: Hungry?
Buffy: No, thanks.
Ted: Buffy, I want to apologize. That wasn’t how I wanted us to meet. I
wanted it to be… perfect. I’m very fond of your mother, I guess that’s
pretty obvious. I know you’re the most (gestures toward the picture of
the two of them on the refrigerator) important thing in her life, and,
well, gosh, that makes you pretty important to me, too.
Joyce overheard and comes over to stand next to Ted.
Joyce: Buffy, I really want you to be okay with this.
Ted: Beg to differ: we really want you to be okay with this.
They both smile at Buffy.

Buffy: I’m okay.
Joyce: You are?
Buffy: I am. (smiles stiffly)
Cut to the park. A picnic table stands there empty. Suddenly a vampire
comes crashing down onto it, and it collapses underneath him. He shakes
off the blow as he gets back up and comes at Buffy again. She grabs the
metal lid from a trashcan while Giles looks on. She uses it as a shield
to block the vampire’s punch and then hits him over the head with it. He
falls to his knee, but gets back up. She hits him with it again and he
falls to his other knee and quickly gets up again. She hits him a third
time and he staggers again.
Giles: Buffy? I-I believe he’s, he’s, um…
Buffy swings down with the lid from above onto the vampire’s head. He
just absorbs the blow and comes at her with a punch. She blocks the
swing with the lid again and swings it around onto his head from above
again. Giles winces at what he’s seeing. Buffy blocks another punch,
then discards the lid and kicks the vampire in the face.
Giles: It, it’s, it’s staking time, really. Don’t you think?
Buffy kicks the vampire again and follows up with a punch to the jaw.
Giles sits down on a bench to wait, holding his bag in his lap. Buffy
throws a right jab to the vampire’s face. She follows up with a kick to
his knee, making the vampire fall to the ground. She pulls a stake out
of her jacket and cleanly jams it into his chest and pulls it back out.
The vampire bursts into ashes. Buffy looks around as she walks over to
Giles.
Buffy: Any others?
Giles: Well, for their sakes, I certainly hope not.
Buffy: What? I kill vampires, that’s my job.
Giles: Well, true, true, although you don’t usually beat them into
quite such a bloody pulp beforehand. Everything alright?
Buffy: Yeah! Fine!
She walks around him, steps up onto the bench and sits on the backrest.
Buffy: I killed a vampire here on Wednesday. Why are they hanging out
at the park?
Giles: Well, they’re… scattered, you know. Now their leaders are
gone, with any luck dead. In times of crisis they usually return to the
easiest feeding grounds.
Buffy: Vampires are creeps.
Giles: Yes, that’s why one slays them.
Buffy: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then
vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take
over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini
pizzas, and everyone’s like, ‘I like your mini pizzas,’ but I’m telling
you, I am…
Giles: (interrupts) Uh, uh, Buffy! I-I believe the… subtext here is,
is, rapidly becoming, uh, (clears his throat) uh, text. Are you sure
there’s nothing you want to share?
Buffy: No. Forget it. (looks around again) Think there’ll be any more?
I-I can wait.

Cut to Sunnydale High the next day.
Buffy: If you say one more word, things will become dire.
Cut to the halls. Xander, Willow and Buffy are walking.
Xander: Did you even bother to taste ’em? Nooo! Well, I did, and I’m
here to tell ya those mini pizzas have changed my life! Ted is the
master chef!
Buffy: Fine! So he’s a good cook. Well, what does that really tell you
about a person?
Xander: Everything.
Willow: You don’t like him?
Buffy: I don’t know him. I, I mean, so far all I see is someone who
apparently has a good job, seems nice and polite, and my mother really
likes him.
Xander: (in a rough voice) What kind of a monster is he?
Buffy: I’m just saying there’s something a little too clean about this
clown.
Willow: (giggles) He’s a clean clown! (gets stares from the others) I
have my own fun.
They arrive at the vending machines.
Xander: Buff, you’re lacking evidence. I think maybe we’re in Sigmund
Freud territory.
He puts his coins into the machine.
Willow: He has a point. Separation anxiety, the mother figure being
taken away, conflict with the father figure…
Buffy: He’s not my father figure.
Xander: Having issues much?
Buffy: I am not!
Xander does a typical funny dance, pointing both fingers at Buffy and
responding in a sing-song voice.
Xander: You’re having parental issues, you’re having parental issues…
Willow: Xander…
Xander: What? Freud would’ve said the exact same thing. Except he might
not have done that little dance.
Buffy: Okay, I admit it’s weird. Seeing my mother frenching a guy is
definitely a ticket to therapy land, but it’s more than that. I’m pretty
good at sensing what’s going on around me, and there is definitely
something wrong with this… Ted.
Xander spots Ted coming down the stairs behind Buffy.
Xander: Ted!
Buffy: Of course, Ted. Who’d you think I was talking about?
Xander: Hi, Ted! Ted, who’s here.
Ted: Hello, kids!

The girls turn quickly to face him.
Buffy: (to Ted) What are you doing here?
Ted: I’m updating the software in the guidance office. Which reminds
me, (pulls several disks from his pocket and hands them to Willow) your
upgrades.
Willow: (eagerly accepting the disks) Oh, what a day! Thank you!
Buffy gives Willow a look.
Ted: Think nothing of it. Buffy, do you like miniature golf?
Xander: Who doesn’t!
Ted: Well, your mother and I were thinking maybe this Saturday we could
drag the three of you out to the course, spend some time swinging the
iron with the stuffy old people.
Buffy: Well, uh…
Ted: I’m making a picnic basket.
Xander: (eyes wide) With mini pizzas?
Ted: And cookies!
Xander inhales in wide-eyed, open-mouthed rapture.
Buffy: You know what, we, we would love to, honestly, but, um,
unfortunately we have that (looks to Willow for support) thing on
Saturday.
Willow: Ohhh, that thing. (they look at Xander) That thing.
Xander: Hey, we can do that thing anytime. I’m tired of doing that
thing. (to Ted) We’re on!
Ted: Great!
Willow and Buffy can only smile, Willow widely, Buffy half-heartedly.
Cut to Ms. Calendar’s classroom. She’s gathering assignments from the
desks. Giles walks up to the door and steps in.
Giles: Hello, Jenny.
Jenny: Rupert. Hi.
Giles: Some of your, uh, textbooks were delivered to the library. Um,
do you want me to, uh, hang on to them?
Jenny: Yeah, that’s fine. I’ll send the kids by to pick ’em up.
Giles: Right. Good. (turns around and starts out of the room)
Jenny: Pretty flimsy excuse for coming by to see me.
Giles: (comes back in) You should have heard the ones I threw out.
(smiles briefly) I just, I wanted to, uh… see how you were doing.
Jenny: I’m doing pretty good, actually. I’ve stayed out of mortal
danger for three whole weeks. I could get used to it. (Giles smiles at
that) I’m still having trouble sleeping, though.
Giles: (steps closer) Oh, of course. Um… you, you, you need time.
Jenny: Or possibly space. Rupert, I know you’re concerned. But having
you constantly poking around, making little puppy dog eyes at me,

wondering if I’m okay… (exhales) You make me feel bad that I don’t
feel better. I don’t want that responsibility.
Giles: Sorry. (looks down) I certainly don’t mean to make, um, ‘dog
eyes’… at you. I’m just…
Jenny: Worried. I know.
Giles: I shouldn’t have bothered you.
He turns and walks out of the room with his head hung down. Jenny
watches him go and exhales. She goes back to collecting the papers.
Cut to Angel’s apartment. Buffy is replacing the bandage on his right
hand while he lies in his comfy chair.
Buffy: So mom’s like, ‘Do you think Ted will like this?’ and ‘This is
Ted’s favorite show,’ and ‘Ted’s teaching me computers,’ and ‘Ted said
the funniest thing,’ and I’m like, ‘That’s really great, Mom,’ and then
she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I’m sorry if I don’t
wanna talk about Ted all the time.
Angel: (looks up at her) So, you gonna talk about something else at
some point?
Buffy: I’m sorry. I just have so much to deal with, I don’t need some
new guy in my life.
She’s finished wrapping the bandage and Angel hands her a piece of tape.
Angel: No, but maybe your mom does.
Buffy takes the tape and puts it on the bandage.
Buffy: Well, sure, if you’re gonna use wisdom.
Angel: (chuckles) Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is.
Buffy: Okay, so my mom needs a guy in her life. Does it have to be Ted?
Angel: Do you have somebody else in mind? There’s a guy out there that
would satisfy you?
Buffy: My dad? (Angel looks at her) Yeah, okay, that’s not gonna
happen. Fine, fine, I’ll give Ted a chance. I’ll play mini-golf, and
I’ll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter. Do I have to like
him?
Angel: (smiles) Kiss me.
Buffy: (smiles) Finally, something I wanna do!
She leans over him and kisses him lightly on the lips. She gets in his
lap and they kiss more passionately.
Cut to Saturday at the mini-golf course. The group walks up to the next
hole.
Xander: Ah, the dreaded five-par cuckoo clock. Ha! So many have come,
so few have conquered.
He puts his ball in place and studies his shot.
Joyce: That picnic was delicious.
Xander takes his shot. It’s weak.
Joyce: You know how rare it is to find a man that cooks?
Ted: I know I’ve been looking a long time for one. So, Buffy, I bet the

boys are lined up around the block tryin’ to get a date with you.
Buffy: Not really.
Willow: Oh, they are, but she’s only interested in… (gets a nudge
from Buffy) uh, her studies! ‘Book-cracker Buffy’, it’s kind of her
nickname.
Ted: Well, glad to hear it. I bet that means your grades will be
picking up soon.
He bends down to position his ball for his shot.
Buffy: My grades? (paces over to her mom) How does he know about my
grades?
Joyce: I told him. He wants to know everything about you. He’s
concerned. That’s a good thing. (Ted makes his shot) Ooo, nice shot,
Ted!
Cut to the next hole with a castle. Buffy is ready to take her shot.
Ted: Keep your eye on the ball. Watch those elbows!
Buffy swings a bit too hard, and the ball ricochets off of the castle
and into the rough behind it.
Ted: Oh! Bad luck, little lady!
Buffy starts to walk to retrieve her ball for another try.
Joyce: Oh, we won’t count it.
Ted: We won’t?
Buffy stops and turns back to look at them.
Joyce: Well, it’s just miniature golf.
Ted: It is, but the rules are the rules. And what we teach her is what
she takes out into the world when we’re not there, whether it’s at
school or an unchaperoned party. (to Buffy) I don’t mean to overstep my
bounds, this is between you and your mother, I just think right is
right.
Joyce: He has a point.
Buffy: Fine. I’ll just go hit my ball from the rough.
She goes over to her ball behind the castle and picks it up. She steps
onto the green, and thinking no one sees her drops her ball into the
hole.
Buffy: (loudly) Hey, how ’bout that! Got a hole in two!
Ted: Beg to differ.
Buffy turns her head to see him standing next to the castle where he can
just see.
Buffy: Okay, so fine my score or whatever.
Ted: I think you’re missing the point here, little lady. Right is
right, wrong is wrong. Why don’t people see that?
Buffy: It’s just a game?
Ted: Right, it’s just a game, do your own thing, well, I’m not wired
that way. And I am here to tell you (Buffy notices how he’s tapping his
ankle with his club pretty hard) it is not a game! It does count,

and I don’t stand for that kind of malarkey in my house!
Buffy: Then I guess it’s a good thing I’m not in your house.
Ted: Do you want me to slap that smart-ass mouth of yours?
Buffy can’t believe her ears. She notices the others come around the
castle, and Ted follows her gaze.
Ted: Who’s up for dessert? I made chocolate-chip cookies! (smiles)
Joyce opens the zip-lock bag of cookies.
Xander: Yum-my!
Willow: Cookies!
Buffy stares at everyone and can’t believe that Ted just threatened her.
Ted: Yeah! I-I made, uh, too many, so you guys are gonna have to take
some home!
Everyone has a cookie and is munching away.
Joyce: Mm! Buffy, you’ve got to try one of these! They’re really good!
Mm!
Ted offers her one with a smile. Buffy just keeps looking at them in
disbelief.
Willow: Mm!
Xander: Mm! These are tasty!
~~ Part 2 ~~
Morning at the Summer’s house. Cut to the kitchen. Buffy comes wandering
in. Joyce gets the orange juice from the refrigerator and brings it to
the island.
Joyce: Good morning, sunshine!
Buffy: Hey.
Joyce: (sets down the OJ) I’ve got juice, I’ve got sticky buns, oh,
don’t they smell good!
Buffy picks up part of a bun.
Joyce: Ted made them.
Buffy puts it back down.
Joyce: (smiles) What?
Buffy: I’d just like to eat something around here that Ted didn’t make.
Joyce: Oh, what kind of an attitude is that?
Buffy: (exhales) Look, Mom, I know you think he’s great and all, but
I…
Joyce: (pours some juice) Y’know, he went out of his way to be nice to
you, and you couldn’t say two words to him on Saturday. (pours another
glass) I do not expect you to love him right away like I do, but I do
expect you to treat him decently.
Buffy: You love him?
Joyce: (puts down the juice carton) I-I don’t know. (exhales) That just

slipped out. (takes the juice back to the fridge) But I guess, I mean,
it’s not exactly like men beat down the door when you’re a single…
Buffy: When you’re a single parent.
Joyce: (exhales) Honey, look. I wouldn’t have anything to do with
anybody if they didn’t care about you. But he does! I don’t understand
why you can’t see that!
Buffy: He threatened me.
Joyce: What? (comes back to the island)
Buffy: He threatened me. He said that he was gonna slap my face.
Joyce: (disbelieving) He said no such thing! Honey, Ted told me what
happened. He caught you cheating, didn’t he?
Buffy: (exhales) Yeah, I kicked my ball in, put me in jail, but he
totally wigged!
Joyce: And he didn’t say anything about it in front of the others, did
he?
Buffy: Uh, no, but I don’t think that’s the…
Joyce: (interrupts) Well, I thought that that was pretty decent of him!
Ted said we are just gonna have to give you time to come around. Oh,
speaking of which, he’s making dinner for us tonight, so I’d like you at
home, please, (points down for emphasis) promptly at six.
Buffy gives her mother a look and stalks out of the kitchen. Joyce just
shrugs and lets her go. She eats part of a sticky bun.
Joyce: Mm, this is sooo delicious!
Cut to the quad at the school. Willow, Buffy and Xander are walking
across. Xander is munching on a cookie.
Willow: What do you mean, check him out?
Buffy: I mean investigate him. Find out his secrets, hack into his
life.
Xander: Can you say ‘overreaction’?
Buffy: Can you say ‘sucking chest wound’?
Willow: Buffy, it just seems like you want him to be corrupt, or
something.
Buffy: The guy lost his senses over mini-golf.
Xander: So he’s a little uptight. Last I heard that’s not a slaying
offense. (gets a look from Buffy) Don’t gimme the look, I’m on your
side. I’m just saying there are some things in life you have to accept.
Buffy and Willow sit on a bench.
Buffy: And I’m saying Ted ain’t one of ’em.
Xander notices Cordelia walk past them behind the bench.
Xander: Hey, Cordy! Nice outfit.
Cordelia: (stops to look at him) Oh, very funny.
Xander: Not really.
Cordelia: What are you saying?

Buffy and Willow look up at Xander.
Xander: Nice outfit?
Cordelia: Well, why don’t you just keep your mouth shut! (walks off)
Xander: Would you guys excuse me for a sec? (goes after Cordelia)
Willow: What’s up with them?
Cut to Cordelia walking along the colonnade. Xander catches up with her.
Cordelia: What’s wrong with you?
Xander: I gave you a compliment.
Cordelia: In front of your friends! They’re gonna know!
Xander: Know what?
Cordelia: Please! It’s too traumatic for me to even say it!
Xander: That we kissed?
Cordelia: Uhhh!
Xander: Look, I’m not gonna tell, they’re not gonna know. Not your
friends, not my friends. You wanna go to the utility closet and make
out?
Cordelia: God! Is that all you ever think about? (considers the offer)
Okay.
They go off to make out. Cut to Buffy and Willow still on the bench.
Buffy: Will, I’m not wrong here. Ted has a problem with me. He acts
like I’m in the way or something. And Mom’s been totally different since
he’s around.
Willow: Different, like happy?
Buffy: Like Stepford. Will you help me?
Willow: You know I will. What do you want me to look for?
Buffy: Let’s start small. Can you find out where he works?
Willow nods.
Cut to Ted’s office. Buffy spots Ted at his desk and moves into the
snack area to observe him. Neal has the desk next to Ted’s. They’re both
talking with customers over their headsets.
Neal: Yeah, i-i-it’s a terrific product. No PC should be without it.
Ted: No, Mrs. Lawnsdale, it is not an inexpensive piece of software. As
a matter of fact it’s a very expensive one. Which removes the risk of
crashing your whole system. Of course, if you prefer something cheap, I
can always recommend… Trust me, you won’t be sorry. Thank you very
much.
Ted takes off his headset and puts it down. Buffy sees him get up and
quickly crouches down and hides under the snack table. Ted walks over to
the sales board and makes another hack mark by his name.
Ted: Goin’ to lunch!
He walks out the door. Buffy stands back up and watches him leave. She
glances over at his desk and then back at the sales board again. Neal

walks up to get a cup of coffee and notices her standing there.
Neal: You’re new, aren’t ya? (grabs the coffee pot)
Buffy: Oh…
Neal: I’m Neal. (pours a cup)
Buffy: I’m B… Linda. Belinda. I’m just temping for the day. (looks at
the board) Wow, that guy’s a salesman. I guess he’s the one to beat
around here.
Neal: Nobody beats ‘The Machine’. The guy’s a genius. Knows everything
about computers, never loses a client… If I sound bitter, I am. (takes
a sip of his coffee)
Buffy: Well, nobody likes an overachiever. (Neal chuckles) Uh, he’s
probably got ex-wives and, and families to support.
Neal: He’s just got a girlfriend. I’m amazed he let her clutter his
desk.
He looks at Ted’s desk and Buffy follows his gaze. There’s a single
picture frame on it beside the computer and nothing else.
Neal: Thank God he’s taking off for the wedding.
Buffy: (surprised) The wedding?
Neal: Yeah, he’s got it set for two months from now. Believe me, I am
counting the days. (spots his boss) Uh-oh, the ueber-boss. Back to the
salt mines. (walks off)
Buffy casually makes her way to Ted’s desk, looking around to see if
anyone notices her. She looks at the picture, and it strikes her as
familiar. She takes it, opens up the back and pulls it out. She notices
it’s folded, and when she unfolds it she sees it’s the picture of her
and her mother from their refrigerator at home with her own face folded
back.
Cut to dinner at home. Buffy, Joyce and Ted are seated at the dining
room table. Ted is saying grace.
Ted: We thank you for what we are about to receive, and we ask that you
bless this house, and help the people in it to be more productive, more
considerate and more honest. Amen.
Joyce: Amen.
Ted and Joyce lay their napkins in their laps. Joyce takes up her fork
and starts in.
Ted: Well, another great day at work! How was school today, Buffy? Did
you learn anything?
Buffy: Quite a bit.
Ted: Good for you! Well, Joycie, what do you think?
Joyce: I think every home should have one of you. It’s fantastic!
(smiles) (to Buffy) Don’t you think?
Ted smiles over at Buffy.
Buffy: Looks good.
Ted: Well, you know, little lady, it’s not just for looks, it’s for
building strong bodies.
Buffy just sits there staring at Ted.

Joyce: (looks at Buffy) Honey?
Buffy: Are you two engaged?
Ted raises his head in realization.
Joyce: Goodness, no! Whatever gave you that idea?
Ted: Now, Joycie, let me handle this. Buffy, your mother and I are
taking it one step at a time. And if things go the way I hope, maybe
someday soon I just might ask her to tie the knot. How would you feel
about that? (silence from Buffy) It’s okay to have feelings, Buffy, and
it’s okay to express them.
Buffy: I’d feel like killing myself.
Joyce: Buffy!
Ted: No, no, I, I told her to be honest. (to Buffy) Sweetheart, you
should try and get used to me, ’cause you know what? I’m not going
anywhere.
Buffy: (to Joyce) May I be excused?
Joyce: You can go to your room, young lady, that’s where you can go.
Buffy gets up and leaves the table without another word.
Joyce: Ted, I (exhales) I am so embarrassed! I-I-I don’t know what’s
wrong with her!
Ted: Joycie, (takes her hand) you don’t get to be salesman of the year
by giving up after a couple of rejections. She’ll come ’round.
He smiles at her and takes his glass for a sip.
Cut to the park. Buffy is sitting on a swing, tapping a stake in her
hand, hoping some vampires will show up.
Buffy: Vampires… Here, vampires…
She exhales, frustrated that she can’t work out her anger, and decides
to head home. Cut inside her room. She climbs up to her window and
crawls in. Inside she finds Ted waiting in a chair for her to come home.
Buffy: What are you doing in here?
Ted: Your mother told you to go to your room, Buffy. You and I both
know she didn’t mean climb out a window and go gallivanting about town.
Buffy: First of all, this is my room, second… (sees her Slayer
stuff lying on her desk) You’ve been going through my things?
Ted: Yes, I have.
Buffy: That’s my personal property! How dare you?!
Ted: I don’t see how it’s any different from you snooping around my
office, do you? (raises her diary and reads) What exactly is a Vampire
Slayer?
Buffy: It’s none of your business.
Ted: Beg to differ, little lady. Everything you do is nothing but my
business from now on.
Buffy: I think you better get out of here. Now!
Ted: Or what? (stands up and steps toward her) You’ll slay me? I’m

real. I’m not some goblin you made up in your little diary.
Psychiatrists have a word for something like this: delusional. So, from
now on, you’ll do what I say, when I say, or I show this (holds up her
diary) to your mother, and you’ll spend your best dating years behind
the wall of a mental institution. Your mother and I are going to be
happy. You’re not going to stand in the way. Sleep tight!
He starts to leave the room, and opens the door to go out. Buffy follows
him and grabs hold of his hand that has her diary.
Buffy: That’s mine, and you are not leaving this room with it!
Ted: Take your hand off me.
Buffy: No.
Ted slaps her hard, almost punching her, and makes her hit the wall.
Buffy: Ohhh! (straightens back up to face him) I was so hoping you’d
do that.
She punches him squarely in the jaw, and he staggers back into the open
door. He pushes himself upright and backhands her in the face, making
her fall against the side of her bed and onto the floor. He picks her up
by the shirt collar, but she kicks him in the shin. Joyce comes to the
door to see what all the noise is about.
Joyce: Buffy! Stop that!
Buffy elbows him in the face.
Joyce: Stop it!
Buffy kicks him in the chest, making him stagger backward out into the
hall, where Joyce has to quickly move out of the way. Buffy follows him
into the hall and punches him in the face again. Ted trips down to the
end of the hall before regaining his balance, and Buffy is there to kick
him again. He spins around and falls down the stairs, tumbling to the
bottom. When he hits the floor his neck sounds like it has broken. Joyce
comes running down the stairs after him.
Joyce: Ted…
She kneels next to him and tries to shake him awake.
Joyce: Ted! Ted!
Buffy slowly descends the stairs. Joyce takes Ted’s arm to feel for a
pulse. When she doesn’t find one she drops his arm and looks up at
Buffy.
Joyce: You killed him!
Buffy stares down at Ted’s unmoving body, not believing what just
happened.
~~ Part 3 ~~
The foyer at the Summers house. Ted’s body is zipped up into a body bag.
The coroners wheel him out of the house on a gurney. Outside Buffy is
sitting on the porch steps by the pillar. Joyce watches as the coroners
wheel Ted’s body away. She is approached by Detective Stein.
Det. Stein: Ma’am, I’m Detective Stein. I’m sorry, but I need to ask
you a few questions. Your relationship with the deceased?
Joyce: We were, uh, seeing each other.
Det. Stein: Can you tell me what happened?

Joyce: He fell. Down the stairs, he fell.
Det. Stein: I see. Uh, did he slip? Do you know what made him fall?
Buffy: I hit him.
Detective Stein turns to look at her sitting on the steps.
Buffy: I hit him.
Cut to the police station. Joyce is sitting by Detective Stein’s desk,
waiting to find out what’s going to happen. The camera pans across the
room and over to her, looking apprehensive. Cut to the interrogation
room. Buffy is sitting at the table, looking down while being
interviewed.
Buffy: He was in my room. And we got into an argument.
Det. Stein: About what?
Buffy: He, um…
Det. Stein: Was this the first time that you two had had an argument?
Buffy: (looks up) No. He threatened me. He, he said that he would slap
me.
Det. Stein: That was tonight.
Buffy: No. But he had my diary, and I-I tried to take it back, a-and
that’s when he hit me.
Det. Stein: Where?
Buffy raises her hand to indicate her right cheek. Detective Stein leans
over to have a look.
Det. Stein: Well, it doesn’t look like he hit you very hard.
Buffy: I don’t bruise easily.
Det. Stein: So you’ve been hit before?
Buffy: Yes.
Det. Stein: But Ted never hit you.
Buffy: I told you…
Det. Stein: Before tonight, Ted never hit you before tonight?
Buffy: What do you want? I-I told you what happened, I didn’t mean to!
Det. Stein: I believe you. Things get outta hand. He’s a big guy.
He writes some notes on his pad. Buffy can only watch.
Joyce: Are you charging her with something?
Cut to Joyce still sitting by Detective Stein’s desk.
Det. Stein: We’re not bringing anything up against your daughter right
now. She says Mr. Buchanan struck her, and if that’s the case…
(shrugs) Anyway, we’ve gotta examine it further. Right now I think you
should just take her home, and the two of you should try and get some
rest.
Cut to the street. They’re driving home in Joyce’s Jeep. Cut inside the
car. Buffy is looking down sadly. She glances over to her mother
briefly, then out the side window.

Cut to school the next day. Buffy comes into the hall from outside, and
everyone seems to be looking at her as she slowly makes her way to the
lounge. Cut to the lounge. Xander and Willow catch up with her.
Xander: Buffy!
They climb the steps up to the couches.
Xander: Are you okay?
Willow: How come you’re here?
Buffy: I couldn’t stay at home. (she and Willow sit) Mom won’t even
look at me.
Xander sits on the table facing them.
Willow: What happened? Unless you don’t want to talk about it.
Buffy: We had a fight and I lost my temper. I really let him have it.
Willow: The paper said he fell.
Buffy: He fell. Hard.
Xander: What was he?
Buffy: What?
Xander: What was he? A-a demon? A giant bug? Some kind of dark god

with the secrets of nouvelle cuisine? I mean, we are talking creature-
feature here, right?

Buffy looks at him a moment and then lowers her eyes.
Xander: Oh man!
Willow: But I’m sure it wasn’t your fault. He started it.
Buffy: Yeah. That defense only works in six-year-old court, Will.
Xander: Court? Wa-wait. Are they charging you with something?
Buffy: (shakes her head) I-I don’t know. Not yet.
Willow looks at her sympathetically.
Buffy: (eyes down) He was a person, and I killed him.
Willow: Don’t say that!
Buffy: (looks up at Willow) Why not? Everyone else is. And it’s the
truth.
Xander: It was an accident.
Buffy: I’m the Slayer. I had no right to hit him like that.
Xander: Look, Buffy, I don’t know what happened exactly. But I do know
you. And I know you would never hurt anyone intentionally. Well, you
know, unless…
Buffy: Unless they were dating my mother?
Xander has no response to that.
Buffy: I gotta go.
She gets up and leaves at a quick pace. Xander and Willow watch her go

and look at each other for what to do.
Cut to the hall. Buffy comes striding around the corner. Ahead of her
Giles comes out of a classroom and nods to a man standing outside the
door, then sees her coming.
Giles: Buffy?
Buffy stops in her tracks, but stays to face him.
Giles: Are you alright?
Buffy just looks up at him.
Giles: Oh, uh, stupid question, I’m sorry. Look, i-i-if there’s
anything you need, of course, just, just ask.
Buffy: (notices the man guarding the door) What’s going on? (walks
toward the classroom)
Giles: Oh, you needn’t worry about that. They’re just asking a few
questions, your, your, your behavior and… um… uh…
Buffy looks into the room through the door window and sees Detective
Stein talking with two of her teachers.
Giles: Of course, I told them you, uh… I…
Buffy quickly walks off.
Cut to the library. Willow and Cordelia are at the table. Willow is
surfing for information. Giles is behind them in the cage getting
together some weapons. Xander is pacing.
Xander: Man, this is killing me! That bastard was up to something, I
know it. If I could just get my hands on him…
Willow gives him a look.
Xander: Earlier this week.
Cordelia: I thought you liked him.
Xander: (steps over to her) I sometimes like things that are not good
for me. Besides, no way, no how does Buffy put the big hurt on an
innocent man. Nice Uncle Ted was dirty.
Giles comes out of the cage with his bag in one hand and the crossbow in
the other.
Willow: We’ve gotta prove that somehow. Xander, do you have a pen?
Giles sets the bag on the table and puts the crossbow in. Xander opens
his satchel to get a pen.
Xander: If Buffy has to go to jail because of that creep I’m gonna lose
it. He’s gotta be in there, Will. Uh, history of domestic violence, a
criminal record? (finds a zip-lock bag) Ooo! Cookies!
Giles goes back into the cage for more weapons.
Cordelia: I don’t get it. Buffy’s the Slayer. Shouldn’t she have…
Xander: What, a license to kill? (takes a bite of a cookie)
Cordelia: Well, not for fun. But she’s like this superman. Shouldn’t
there be different rules for her?
Willow: Sure, in a fascist society.

Cordelia: Right! Why can’t we have one of those?
Willow: Buffy’s not going to jail. It’s not fair.
Giles: (comes back) Whatever the authorities have planned for her, it
can’t be much worse than what she’s doing to herself. (adds an ax and
other stuff to the bag) She’s taken a human life. The guilt, it-it’s,
it’s pretty hard to bear, and it won’t go away soon.
Cordelia: I guess you should know, since you helped raise that demon
that killed that guy that time?
Giles: Yes. Do let’s bring that up as often as possible. (heads back to
the cage)
Xander: So, Giles, you takin’ over tonight? (takes another bite of his
cookie)
Giles: Um, well, Buffy’s not in any shape to patrol. (comes back to the
table) The least I can do is pick up the slack. Someone has to. (adds
several crosses to the bag)
Willow: Giles, you shouldn’t go out there without the Slayer.
Giles: Until Buffy regains her equilibrium, there is no Slayer.
Xander takes another bite of his cookie.
Cordelia: If you need help…
Giles: No, uh, Buffy needs your help more than I. You carry on
investigating, see if you can find out as much about this Buchanan chap
as possible. (takes up the bag to go)
Willow: Be careful.
Giles: I-I will. (leaves)
Willow: Ted’s got no criminal record! Damn! This guy’s like citizen of
the year!
Xander: Don’t sweat it. It’ll be fine.
Willow: Don’t sweat it?
Xander: Yeah, cute buddy! (goes over to her) We’ll work it out!
(ruffles her hair) No worries!
Cordelia: What happened to ‘this is killing me’?
Xander: (shakes his cookie at Cordelia) Worrying isn’t gonna solve any
problems.
The cookie catches Willow’s eye and she grabs it from Xander, breaking
off most of it. She turns it in her hand as she looks at it.
Cut to Buffy’s house. Cut to the kitchen. Joyce is packing away a bunch
of baking pans and bowls. Buffy comes in and stands at the door,
fidgeting with her hands.
Buffy: Can I help?
Joyce: It’s done. I’ve been meaning to clean out this junk for months.
Do you, uh, have homework?
Buffy: I didn’t mean to hurt him.
Joyce: I don’t wanna talk about this.
Buffy: Mom, please, you have to know…

Joyce: I can’t, not yet. Please, Buffy, just go to your room.
Buffy looks like she’s about to burst into tears as she turns to go to
her room. Joyce waits for a moment, almost crying herself, too, then
picks up the box and takes it into the basement.
Cut to the science lab at school. Several cookies are sitting on a
scale. Willow is staring into a microscope.
Willow: Okay!
Xander: What do we know?
Willow: Well, apparently the secret ingredient (looks up from the
scope) is not love.
Xander: What is it then?
Willow: I’m not positive, but I think it’s Dematorin. It’s like a
tranquilizer, keeps you all mellow and compliant. It also shares a few
components with Ecstasy.
Xander: This is evidence! This is real evidence that Ted was some kind
of a crook! Buffy’s cleared! Willow, you are the best human ever! I
adore you!
She gives him a wide smile.
Xander: Well, that’s the cookies talkin’, but you rock!
Cordelia: (comes into the lab) Well, your search finally hit pay dirt.
You got some personal records, marriage certificates and an address.
(puts the printouts on the table)
Xander: Well, let’s check it out, get our Slayer back on her feet
before somebody else gets hurt.
They all head out of the lab. Willow grabs the printouts on the way.
Cut to the park. Giles is walking slowly past some bushes, weapons bag
in hand, when he’s startled and spins around holding up a cross.
Giles: Ah!
Jenny: Yeah, I get that reaction from men all the time.
Giles: Jenny! What are you doing here?
Jenny: I saw your car back there. I wanted to apologize.
Giles: Well, now is… not the best time to go ta…
Jenny: No, no, please, please, lemme just, lemme get this out.
(exhales) I was sooo… harsh the other day. I am so sorry. I mean, I
know how badly you must feel about putting me in danger before, and…
Giles: (looks past her) Right in harm’s view now.
A vampire comes out of the bushes behind Jenny and growls at them.
Cut to Buffy’s room. She’s sitting at her desk facing into the room. She
hears a noise.
Buffy: Mom? (silence) (exhales) The hell with this.
She gets up and strides over to her window. She tries to lift the sash,
but it’s stuck in place. She looks as it and sees the problem.
Buffy: She nailed it shut. Well, it’s official, this day can’t get any

worse.
She senses something behind her and spins around to see Ted standing
there.
Ted: Beg to differ.
~~ Part 4 ~~
Buffy’s room. She has her back to the window as Ted confronts her.
Buffy: You died.
Ted: That’s right, little lady, you killed me. Do we have something to
say about that? Are we sorry?
Buffy: What are you?
Ted: I’m a salesman! That’s what you should’ve remembered. No matter
how you put him down…
He grabs her by the strap of her coveralls and yanks her across the
room. She falls into her desk chair.
Ted: …a good salesman always bounces back!
Cut to the park. The vampire roars and attacks. Jenny screams in fright
and jumps aside, so the vampire crashes into Giles, grabbing him and
pulling him to the ground with him. Giles holds his cross in the
vampire’s face.
Giles: (to Jenny) MY BAG!
Jenny jumps over to the dropped bag and pulls out the crossbow. Giles
struggles with the vampire and punches him in the face, but the vampire
isn’t fazed. Giles punches him again harder, and this time the vampire
pulls away far enough for Giles to get his foot underneath him to push
him off. The vampire lands on his back while Giles scrambles to his
feet. The vampire jumps up and starts to wrestle with Giles. Jenny in
the mean time has loaded a bolt into the crossbow and anxiously looks
for an opening. They turn back and forth, not giving Jenny a clear shot.
Cut to Buffy’s room. She gets to her feet as Ted comes for her. She
immediately kicks him in the gut and follows up with a left to the jaw.
Ted flinches, but doesn’t back off. Buffy punches him twice in the
stomach and again in the face, but he isn’t fazed, and he grabs her by
the throat and backs her into and over her desk, pinning her against the
wall.
Ted: You see I had to shut down for a while to get you off my back. You
should’ve seen the intern’s face when I got up off the table, it was a
hoot! Fun’s over, though.
He wraps his other hand around her throat and begins to squeeze.
Cut to the park. Giles and the vampire continue to wrestle, constantly
turning so that Jenny still doesn’t have a clear shot. At one point the
turning stops, and Jenny decides it’s time for her to shoot.
Jenny: Say good night, big guy!
The vampire turns Giles around just as Jenny lets the bolt fly, and it
hits Giles in the lower left of his back.
Giles: AHHH!
Jenny lowers the crossbow and looks at them, shocked by what happened.
Jenny: OH, GOD!

The vampire lets go of Giles and steps back. Giles grabs the shaft of
the bolt and bends over in pain.
Jenny: Oh, no!
She bends down to the bag and searches frantically for another bolt.
Vampire: (laughs) Nice shot, lady!
Giles rends the bolt from his back and jams it into the vampire’s chest.
Jenny has found another bolt and stands back up to see Giles let go of
the bolt. The vampire falls to the ground and explodes into ashes. Jenny
stares in shock and relief at what she’s just seen.
Cut to Buffy’s room. Ted tightens his grip on Buffy’s throat. She looks
over at her nightstand for anything to use as a weapon and reaches for
her nail file that’s lying there. She grabs it and stabs Ted in the left
forearm with it. Ted yanks his arm away from her, slicing it open on the
file as he jerks back. Buffy collapses to the floor.
Ted: That wasn’t playing fair, missy!
He grabs his left wrist with his right hand and looks down at the wound.
There are torn wires and sparks and smoke coming from it.
Ted: You’re gonna find…
His head jerks to the right when some short circuits result from the
cut.
Ted: Hell of a day! Makes you feel like you’re eighteen again! (his
head jerks back) …that I don’t like being disobeyed!
Cut downstairs. Joyce comes out of the basement with another empty box
and closes the door behind her. Cut to Buffy’s room. Ted hears the sound
of the door closing downstairs. He kicks Buffy in the jaw, and knocks
her out. He goes to her door, opens it and looks out into the hall. He
gives Buffy another look as he pulls his sleeve down over the cut in his
arm. His head jerks again from another short.
Ted: Don’t worry about me and your mother. We’re gonna be very happy!
He leaves the room and closes and locks the door behind him.
Cut to Ted’s small workshop. Xander looks in through the multi-paned
window and sees the place is dark and empty. He breaks one of the panes
with a crowbar and uses it to knock out the broken glass.
Willow: Careful!
Xander reaches in through the window and opens the door from inside. He
looks in as Willow comes to stand in the doorway also, and they scan
around the place with their flashlights. Slowly they walk in with
Cordelia right behind them.
Xander: Let’s look around.
Willow looks over the paperwork they have on him.
Cordelia: I’ll take the back.
Xander: Check for cookies.
Willow gives Xander a look.
Xander: For evidence!
Willow: So far I’ve counted four marriage certificates.
Xander: (looks at some shelves) Any divorce papers?

Willow: Not a one.
Xander: So either our boy was a Mormon, or…

Willow: (notices) Whoa, whoa, 1957! Ted musta married young! Like pre-
school young.

Cordelia: (comes from the back) Nothing interesting back here. Doesn’t
look like anybody’s worked here, let alone lived here.
Xander: Something’s missing here. This doesn’t seem like Ted at all.
Cordelia: (looks down) Yeah, and this rug? It doesn’t go with the rest
of the decor.
Xander looks down at the new-looking Oriental rug. He and Willow
exchange a look. Xander steps back off of the rug and lifts it back.
Underneath is a trap door.
Cut to the Summers kitchen. Joyce starts to fill the box with more
cooking pans and dishes. She hears someone coming and assumes it’s
Buffy.
Joyce: Oh. Buffy, I’m sorry… (exhales) I know you didn’t mean to…
She looks over expecting to see Buffy and steps back and inhales in
fright when she sees Ted standing in the door.
Ted: Joyce?
Joyce: (whispers) Ted! Is it really you? But you were…
Ted: (steps into the kitchen) I’m okay! I’m okay.
Joyce: I-I don’t understand this! You were dead!
Ted: They said I must’ve been dead for six minutes. They said any
longer and it would’ve caused brain damage.
Joyce: Oh, why didn’t they tell us?
Ted: Nobody knew! They took me to the morgue. I was unconscious for
almost a day. An intern found me. It’s a miracle, Joyce. A miracle.
Joyce: Oh, Ted!
She wraps her arms around him and hugs him close. He hugs her back.
Ted: I know.
Joyce: (lets go) Oh, my God, Buffy! Oh, Ted, I swear… she never meant
to hurt you. You have to believe me.
Ted: You don’t have to worry about Buffy. (Joyce leans on him) You
don’t have to worry about anything. Daddy’s here.
Cut to Ted’s workshop. Xander pushes down the ladder and it unfolds into
the basement below. He climbs down the steps and reaches up his hand to
steady Cordelia as she follows. Willow comes down behind them. Xander
finds a switch on the wall and flips it. The lights come on, and an old
record player starts to play lounge music. They all look around. The
place is furnished as an apartment.
Cordelia: Feels like home. If it’s the fifties and you’re a psycho.
They continue looking around. Cordelia checks out some magazines on the
coffee table. Willow finds a window and pulls aside the curtains.
There’s just a wall on the other side of the glass. Xander finds a
closet door.

Xander: Whatcha got in the closet, Ted?
He opens the door and looks inside with his flashlight and can’t believe
his eyes. He quickly slams the door shut.
Xander: Let’s go.
Cordelia: But we need evidence!
Xander: We got it.
Willow: What’s in there?
Xander: His first four wives.
Willow and Cordelia start back up the stairs. Xander turns off the light
switch and follows them up.
Cut to Ted and Joyce in the kitchen.
Ted: You know what brought me back, Joyce? It was you. I couldn’t go
into that light. I had to come back for you. I’m gonna make you so
happy!
Joyce: (smiles) You should sit down.
Ted: I feel fine! Never better! (smiles)
Joyce: (exhales) Ted, I think I should talk to Buffy first. Before she
sees you, ’cause I’m sure she’s…
Ted: (angry) Do we have to worry about Buffy right now? How about
worrying about Teddy? He’s the one who died!
Joyce: (taken aback) I-I-I’m, I’m sorry, I just… I… (exhales) I-I
don’t know what to do!
Ted: Don’t I always tell you what to do? I’m going to make things
right. Then you and I… (shorts and jerks his head right) Want a little
gravy with that? (jerks his head back) …can go away where no one will
bother us again.
Joyce: (looking worried) Ted, I, I think you might wanna rest for
awhile.
Ted: (angry) I think you might wanna stop telling me what to do! I
don’t take orders from women! I’m not wired that way!
His circuitry can be heard shorting out.
Cut to the park. Jenny kneels next to Giles who is sitting on the ground
pressing a handkerchief to his wound.
Jenny: Oh, God, I am so sorry!
Giles: I think I’m alright.
Jenny: No, you’re just in shock.
Giles: No, no, really, I, uh, I don’t think it went in too deep. The…
advantages of layers of tweed. Better than kevlar.
He lifts the handkerchief off of his wound and Jenny sees the blood.
Jenny: (squeamish) Oh, okay, alright, we have to get you to the
hospital.
Giles: Yes, yes.

Jenny: C’mon.
She takes his arm and pulls him up.
Giles: Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh!
Jenny: Sorry! Sorry!
Giles: Let’s move slowly, shall we?
Jenny: Sorry! Okay…
She goes around to his other side and takes his arm to help support him.
Jenny: Okay…
They start to limp away, and Jenny begins to laugh.
Giles: What? Wha-what is it?
Jenny: Some night, huh? (Giles smirks) Yeah, you really know how to woo
a girl back, don’t cha?
Giles: (laughs) Ow! Ow!
Jenny: Hospital.
Giles: Yes.
Cut to Buffy’s room. She slowly regains consciousness. She coughs as she
tries to get up. Cut downstairs. Ted follows Joyce down the hall.
Joyce: I-I think I could use a drink. (looks at Ted) Um, to-to-to
celebrate! (stops walking)
Ted: We should probably be hitting the road.
Joyce: Hitting the road?
Ted: You’re going to love the house. It’s furnished just the way you
like it. I spent a lot of… (shorts and jerks right) …telling me what
to do! (jerks back) …time decorating.
Joyce: (making an excuse to go) Well, then I’d, I’d probably better go
pack.
Ted: (takes her arm) I already have your clothes. They’re your size,
they’re always your size. You left me once, but I keep bringing you
back. Husband and wife is forever. (shorts) Forever.
Cut to the hall upstairs. Buffy kicks out her doorknob, taking a big
chunk of the door with it. Cut downstairs. They hear the noise of the
door breaking.
Ted: (holding her arm) Let’s go.
Joyce: Ted, let go, please. (he doesn’t) Get off me! (jerks her arm
away)
He shoves her into the wall, knocking her out. She slides down to the
floor.
Ted: Fine then. I’ll have to carry you.
He steps over to her and bends down to lift her up when he hears a
creaking in the next room. He slowly walks into the foyer, around the
stairs and down the hall into the kitchen.
Ted: Buffy, come out! I don’t stand for this kind of malarkey in my
house!

Buffy: Uncle Teddy?
He turns to face her, and she swings up into his face with the cast-iron
skillet. Ted flies back and hits the floor hard.
Buffy: This house is mine!
Ted rolls around to face her, and some of the skin has been torn from
his lips and left cheek, revealing the metal underneath. Circuits are
shorting and sparking. Buffy stares at him in shock. Ted stands back up.
Ted: Buffy? How about a nice game of Parcheesi?
Buffy raises the pan and slams it down onto his head. Ted falls backward
and convulses on the floor as his circuits begin to overload. He finally
crashes, and his eyelids jerk open in a dead stare. Buffy stares at her
handiwork in satisfaction.
Cut to the next day. The camera pans down from the tree in front of
Buffy’s house and over to the porch. Joyce and Buffy are sitting on the
bench munching on cut vegetables.
Joyce: Do you wanna rent a movie tonight?
Buffy: Sounds like fun.
Joyce: Just nothing with horror in it. Or romance. Or men.
Buffy: I guess we’re ‘Thelma and Louise’ing it again.
Joyce: Mm-hm. Good call. (munches) I still think he’s gonna jump out at
me. Especially after what the police found in his house. It’s just too
horrible.
Buffy: I wouldn’t worry. He’s not coming back.
Joyce: I wish I could be so sure.
Buffy: Trust me. He’s on the scrap heap. (gets a look) Of life.
Cut to Sunnydale High. Xander, Buffy, Willow and Cordelia come down the
stairs and start down the hall.
Xander: So, I’m Ted, the sickly loser. I’m dying and my wife dumps me.
I build a better Ted. He brings her back, holds her hostage in his
bunker’o’love until she dies. And then he keeps bringing her back, over
and over. Now, now that’s creepy on a level I hardly knew existed.
Willow: The sad part is the real Ted must’ve been a genius. There were
design features in that robot that pre-date…
Buffy: (interrupts) Willow, tell me you didn’t keep any parts.
Willow: Not any big ones.
Buffy: Oh, Will, you’re supposed to use your powers for good!
Willow: I just wanna learn stuff.
Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer?
Willow frowns.
Xander: Uh, it’s so hard to rent one nowadays.
Cordelia: Can we just drop the subject?
Buffy: Absolutely. I plan to forget the whole thing and pick up right
where we left off.

She and Willow look into the library through the round door windows and
immediately turn around and leave.
Buffy: Okay! That’s it! I give up! Do I have to sound an air horn every
time I walk into a room?
Xander and Cordelia look in, too, smile at each other and walk away.
Buffy: I mean, what is it with grownups these days?
The camera closes in on a window and shows Giles and Jenny embracing and
kissing.