Season 2 | Episode 28 | “Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered”

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Episode Summary

The night before Valentine’s Day, Xander shows Buffy his V-Day gift for Cordy: a necklace with a heart-shaped pendant. After cracking a few jokes, Buffy assures Xander that Cordy will love his gift.

She then slays a vampire which rises from its grave, and they continue on with their conversation. The next morning, Harmony and her friends are shunning Cordy from their discussion groups.

They mock Cordy for dating Xander, whom they perceive to be one of the biggest losers in Sunnydale. Elsewhere, Amy asks Willow and Buffy if they plan on attending the V-Day party at the Bronze later that night.

Willow is going to see Oz play in the band, while Buffy plans on staying home. As everyone leaves and hands in their assignment, Xander notices that Amy does not have a paper to turn in.

To his surprise, he watches as Amy stares at Miss Beakman, the teacher. Miss Beakman then reaches out her hand, as if she is taking Amy’s paper which doesn’t even exist.

Amy then turns and leaves. Xander catches up with Buffy and Willow, telling them that he suspects Amy of messing around with witchcraft.

Buffy and Willow remind him that it was Amy’s mother, Catherine, who was the witch, and that Amy would never fool around with it. Giles spots Buffy and approaches her.

Jenny Calendar sees them and walks over, but Giles brushes her off, saying that he and Buffy are busy at the moment. In the library, Giles warns Buffy that Angel has a long past of committing horrid acts on Valentine’s Day.

He refuses to tell Buffy any specifics, however, but he does suggest that she be careful. Meanwhile, in the factory, Spike and Angel give  Drusilla their V-Day gifts.

Spike gives her a necklace, while Angel gives her a freshly torn- out heart.  That night, Buffy receives a box of roses, which were left at her doorstep. Buffy opens the box and finds a card with only one word written on it: “Soon”.

At the Bronze, Xander sees Cordy and walks over to give her his gift. After admiring the necklace for a moment, Cordy breaks up with him.

Xander is righteously furious, and it only gets worse for him the next day, as everyone in school seems to know that they broke up. Xander then notices Amy walking around, so he runs over and tells her that he knows she’s practicing witchcraft.

With the upper hand, Xander strikes a deal with Amy: help him cast a love spell on Cordy, and nobody will have to know that she’s a witch.

After arguing the idea for a while, Amy concedes and tells Xander that she needs a personal item of Cordelia’s. Xander finds Cordy near her locker and demands that she return the necklace he gave her.

Cordy says it’s in her locker, but when she opens it, she hides behind the locker door so she can remove the necklace from her neck without Xander seeing. Meanwhile, Buffy walks into the library and shows Giles the “Soon” card.

Buffy demands that Giles tell her everything she needs to know about Angel and Valentine’s Day, so Giles sits her down and proceeds to read various anecdotes from his books.

In a darkened room, Amy and Xander perform the spell that should cause Cordy to fall in love with him.

However, Xander soon finds out that the spell had no effect on Cordy. He walks into the library where Buffy is still listening to Giles read his books.

Buffy consoles Xander, then suggests that they spend some time together that night. Buffy’s suggestions get increasingly lurid, but before they get too close, Amy walks in and tells Xander that she needs to have a word with him.

Outside in the hall, Amy tells Xander that the spell didn’t work. Xander could care less know, seeing how his dreams of Buffy and himself are finally being fulfilled.

However, Amy then suggests that they spend some time together later that  night, without the spells and other witchcraft.

Xander grows suspicious, and his fears are confirmed when another girl approaches and asks him to accompany her that night. Xander realizes that the spell actually worked.

However, instead of affecting Cordy, it zapped every other girl in Sunnydale. Xander goes home to avoid everybody, only to find Willow waiting for him in his bed.

Willow wants to him to take her right there in his bed, and when things get a little too steamy between them, Xander pushes her off and runs off.

The next day, every single girl in the school ogles Xander as he walks down the hall. He quickly enters the library and tells Giles everything that’s going on. Before Giles can process the information, Jenny walks in and tells Giles that they need to talk.

However, her attention quickly shifts to Xander, proving that the spell affected not only the girls, but every single female in town.

Giles gets between the two and berates Xander for causing all this to happen. He then leaves Xander in the library, dragging Jenny along with him.

After they leave, Xander tries to barricade the entrance to the library, but Buffy simply walks in, wearing nothing but a raincoat.

She seductively asks Xander to undress her, but he can’t, for he knows that what Buffy is doing is not out of attraction for him, but simply a result of the spell. Just then, Amy arrives and tells Buffy to leave. Instead, Buffy punches her to the floor.

Angered, Amy gets up and casts a spell on Buffy, turning her into the small rat. Giles and Jenny return just then. While Xander and Giles try to catch the rat, Oz walks into the library and punches Xander for whatever he did to depress Willow.

While Xander assures Oz that nothing happened, the rat escapes through the partly-opened library door.

Realizing that the rat is gone, Giles commands Xander and Oz to find the rat while he tries to get Amy to reverse the spells. Giles soon determines that Amy must have made a mistake in the casting that caused Cordy to be protected by the spell instead of affected by it.

In the hallway, Xander notices a fight breaking out. To his horror, he sees a mob of girls beating on Cordy.

The mob is angry at Cordy for breaking Xander’s heart. Rushing in through the love-crazed girls, Xander pulls Cordy out of the pack and runs away with her.

They run outside, only to find Willow and dozens of other girls. Willow is wielding an axe, for she would rather see Xander dead than with Cordy.

While the mobs of girls battle each other, Xander and Cordy escape through the commotion and end up at Buffy’s house. Joyce lets them in and, after sending Cordy upstairs to get some bandages, starts seducing Xander. Cordy is sickened by this, so she pushes Joyce outside.

Joyce punches through the door window and struggles to unlock the door, so Xander and Cordy run upstairs and hide in Buffy’s room.

Thinking they’re safe, Angel suddenly arrives and pulls Xander through the window and throws him to the ground below. Before Angel can kill him, Drusilla arrives and protects Xander. While Angel leaves, Dru offers immortal life to Xander.

Before she can sink his teeth into his neck, the mob of girls finally track them down. They pull Xander away from Dru and pile up on top of Xander.

Cordy runs out and pulls Xander out from the pile before quickly running back inside. All the girls chase them into the house. That is, everyone except Dru. Angel reminds her that she can’t get in without an invitation.

Xander and Cordy run into the basement and lock themselves in there. Meanwhile, Oz tracks the rat into the school basement. The rat is first menaced by a cat, then approaches a mouse trap.

Upstairs, Giles and Amy perform the reversal spells. They first reverse the spell on Buffy, causing her to transform back to her human self.

She quickly realizes that she is completely naked, so she asks Oz to find her some clothes. While Giles and Amy work on reversing the love spell, the mob of girls break open the basement door.

Xander and Cordy run downstairs, but there’s nowhere to go. Soon, all the girls gang up on top of them. Finally, Giles and Amy complete the reversal spell, and everybody returns to normal.

All the girls look around, completely confused as to what’s going on. Cordy makes up an excuse that they had just finished a scavenger hunt.

The next day, Buffy thanks Xander for not taking advantage of her the previous day. It seems that everybody retained their memory of what occurred during the run of the spell.

Xander then bumps into Harmony, who is walking with Cordy and the rest of their friends. After Harmony mocks Xander, Cordy has had enough.

She rips on Harmony and tells everybody that she can date whoever she wants to date. Cordy then walks over to Xander and takes his hand. Cordy is horrified by what she’s just done, but Xander comforts her, and the two of them walk off, together again.

Shooting Scripts

Teaser

CLOSE ON A SMALL SILVER HEART
That dangles from a chain.
EXT. CEMETERY – NIGHT
XANDER, pacing, holding the trinket – contemplating it. BUFFY’S sitting on a headstone nearby.

XANDER
What do you think?
BUFFY
It’s nice.
XANDER

But do you think Cordelia will like it?

BUFFY
I don’t know…
(points to the heart)
Does she know what one of these is?

XANDER

Okay, big yuks. When are you guys
gonna stop making fun of me for dating

Cordelia?
BUFFY
I’m sorry. But, never.
(off his look)

I just think you could find someone

more… better.
XANDER

Parallel universe, maybe. Here the
only other person I’m interested in is

unavailable.
BUFFY
(gets the point)
Oh.
XANDER

Besides, Cordy and I have really been
getting along. We don’t fight as much.
Yesterday we just sat together, not even
speaking, you know, just enjoying
comfortable silence.
(beat)
Man, that was dull.
BUFFY

I’m glad you guys are getting along.

Almost really. And you shouldn’t
stress about the gift.
XANDER

This is new territory for me. My
valentines are usually met with
heartfelt restraining orders.

BUFFY
She’ll love it.
XANDER

I wish dating was like slaying – simple.
Direct. Stake to the heart, no muss no

fuss –

He’s cut off when A VAMP RISES FROM THE GRAVE HE’S STANDING ON – RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM.
Xander YELLS. Falls back. Buffy leaps from her perch – grabs a stake from her coat.
A VICIOUS BATTLE ensues. This vamp is STRONG and Buffy’s almost overcome but finally manages
to DUST THE DUDE.
A beat as Buffy recovers. Then she helps Xander to his feet. They start to move off. As they
disappear into the distance…

BUFFY

Sorry, Xand. Have to say slaying is a
tad more perilous than dating.

XANDER

You’re obviously not dating Cordelia.

BLACK OUT

END OF TEASER
Act One

EXT. SCHOOL – DAY
School is about to start and kids rush everywhere. CORDY sees HARMONY and the CORDETTES. They
see her too, but keep going. Their heads bowed as they whisper.
CORDELIA
Hey… Wait up!

Cordy rushes to catch up with them – peeved.

CORDELIA

Excuse me? Where’s the fire sale?

HARMONY
(cool)
Oh, sorry. Didn’t see you.
CORDELIA

Why didn’t you guys call me back last
night? We need to talk about our outfits
for the dance – I’m going to wear red
and black so you’d better switch –
CORDETTE #1

Red and black? Is that what Xander

likes?

CORDELIA

Xander? What’s he got to do with it?

HARMONY

Well, a girl wants to look good for her

geek.

The Cordettes titter.

CORDELIA
Xander is just –
HARMONY

When are you two gonna start wearing
cute little matching outfits? ‘Cause I’m

planning to vomit.
Harmony starts off. The Cordettes follow. Cordelia can’t believe it.
INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
XANDER, WILLOW AND BUFFY are all in English class with MISS BEAKMAN, a tough old dame. The
bell rings and students start to rise.

MISS BEAKMAN

Papers on my desk. Anybody tries to
leave without giving me a paper is
looking at a failing grade.
Xander sits with Buffy and Willow, clutching his paper.
XANDER

Hah! This time I am ready for you.
No “F” for Xander today. This baby’s
my ticket to a sweet “D minus”.
The bunch comes up by AMY, daughter of the cheerleading trophy.

WILLOW
Hey, Amy.
AMY

Hey. Are you guys going to the
Valentine’s Dance at the Bronze?
I think it’s gonna be fun.
Buffy and Willow exchange looks, Willow bursting to say something.

BUFFY

Go ahead, you know you want to say it.

WILLOW
(to Amy)
My boyfriend’s in the band.

AMY
Cool.
BUFFY

I think you’ve now told everybody.

WILLOW
Only in this hemisphere.
AMY
(to Buffy)

What about you?
BUFFY

Valentine’s Day is just a gimmick to

sell cards.
AMY
Bad break up?
BUFFY

Believe me when I say “Uh huh”.

She hands her paper to Miss Beakman –

MISS BEAKMAN
Thank you…

As does Willow.

MISS BEAKMAN
Thank you…

Miss Beakman looks at Amy expectantly. But Amy just stares deeply into the teacher’s eyes.
Suddenly, Miss Beakman SMILES and reaches out for a paper that ISN’T THERE. Miss Beakman
“puts” the phantom paper on the top of her stack.
MISS BEAKMAN
Thank you…

Amy smiles coolly, moves off. Revealing XANDER, who has seen this whole exchange. He looks after
Amy, intrigued. Hands his paper in, starts after Amy. But getting no response from Miss Beakman,
stops to say crankily:

XANDER
You’re welcome.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Buffy and Willow peel off from Amy with goodbye’s, walk down the hall.

WILLOW

I just hate to think of you solo on
Valentine’s Day.
BUFFY

I’ll be fine. Mom and I are gonna have
a pig-out and vidfest. It’s a time
honored tradition among the loveless.

Xander comes abreast of them.

XANDER
Did you guys see that?
BUFFY
What?
XANDER

In class. I thought I just saw Amy
working some magic on Miss Beakman.

BUFFY
You mean like Witchcraft?
WILLOW
Well, her mom was a witch…

BUFFY

And an amateur psycho. Amy’s the
last person should be messing with

that stuff.
XANDER
Maybe I should talk to –
Now GILES approaches. Xander hushes, gives the others a look.

GILES

Buffy. Might I have a word with you?

BUFFY
Have a sentence, even.
GILES
Good, well –

Giles is unable to finish because, just as they are passing her door, MISS CALENDAR emerges from
her classroom. Everyone stops – awkward. It’s evident that there is a lot of bad feeling here. Buffy
can’t even look at her.

CALENDAR
(takes the leap)
Rupert.
GILES
Miss Calendar.

Calendar reacts to the use of her last name. Still – she forges ahead.

CALENDAR

I – I’m glad we ran into each other,
actually. I was hoping we could…
Do you have a moment?
GILES

Oh – well… Not just now. I have a
matter I must discuss with Buffy.

He turns to Buffy – who finally glances at Calendar. Cold.
BUFFY
Right. Let’s go.

Giles nods to Calendar – a hint of sorrow evident in his eyes. He and Buffy walk off. A beat as
Calendar watches them go, Willow and Xander looking from them to her.
INT. LIBRARY – DAY
Buffy’s at the table, watching Giles pace – clearly agitated by his encounter with Calendar.

BUFFY
Are you okay?
GILES

Me? I’ll be fine. I’m more concerned
about you, actually.
(then)

Ever since Angel… turned – I’ve been
reading up on his earlier activities.
Learning more about his habits, feeding

patterns, the like…

BUFFY
And?
GILES

There’s a disturbing trend. Around
Valentine’s Day he’s prone to rather
brutal displays of… what he would
think of as affection, I suppose.

BUFFY
Like what?
GILES

No – no need to go into detail.

BUFFY
That bad.
GILES

Suffice to say it would be best if you
stayed off the streets for a few nights.
I can patrol. Keep my eye on things.
Better safe than sorry.
BUFFY
It’s a little late for both.
Off Buffy and Giles – anything but happy Valentine’s puppies.
INT. FACTORY – NIGHT
CLOSE ON A VELVET BOX
Which is opened to reveal an INCREDIBLE ANTIQUE RUBY NECKLACE.
WIDEN TO REVEAL DRUSILLA AND SPIKE AT THE TABLE
Dru has just opened the box and smiles happily over at Spike, who is still chair-bound.

SPIKE
Fancy it, pet?
DRUSILLA
It’s beautiful. Sparkly…
SPIKE

Nothing but the best for my –

He’s cut off as a BLOODY HUMAN HEART falls on the table before DRU with a sickening, wet plop.
Drusilla’s eyes widen with absolute delight and we see ANGEL standing at her side, grinning.

ANGEL

Happy Valentine’s Day, Dru.
DRUSILLA
Ooooh! Angel… It’s still warm.

ANGEL

I knew you’d like it. I found it in a
quaint little shop-girl.
Angel grabs the necklace Spike got Dru from the box.
ANGEL
Cute.

He leans over to Dru with the necklace in hand. Looks to Spike.
ANGEL
Here. I’ll just…

He starts to fasten the necklace around Dru’s neck. Spike rolls closer.

SPIKE
Leave it. I’ll get it.
ANGEL
Done.
(to Spike)

I know Dru gives you pity access –
but you have to admit, it’s so much
easier when I do things for her.

Spike seethes. Snaps at Angel.

SPIKE

You’d do well to worry less about Dru
and more about that slayer you tramped

around with.
ANGEL
(smiles fondly)

Dear Buffy. I’m still trying to decide
the best way to send my regards…

SPIKE

You could rip her lungs out. That might
make an impression.
ANGEL
It lacks poetry.
SPIKE
It doesn’t have to.
(to Dru)
What rhymes with lungs?
DRUSILLA

Don’t worry, Spike. Angel will find his

way…
(looks at the heart)

In time Angel always finds what speaks

to a girl.

INT. THE BRONZE – NIGHT
The Bronze is DECKED OUT for a VALENTINE’S DAY DANCE.
DINGOES ATE MY BABIES play on stage, OZ up front.
XANDER and WILLOW sit at a table. Xander, elegantly dressed and groomed, fidgets nervously with a
SMALL GIFT BOX.
Willow watches the band, enraptured. OZ sees her. Smiles. Willow smiles back – gets that “googley”
feeling.

WILLOW
(to Xander)
I think I’m a groupie.
Xander smiles at her, then goes back to being nervous.

ON CORDELIA
Who enter, looking drop-dead. She sees HARMONY and the CORDETTES. Starts to approach. But they
all turn their backs on her. Cordy stops, hurt. At a loss.
INT. BUFFY’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Buffy and her mother are splayed out in front of the tube. A prodigious pile of junk food surrounds
them. They are nearly comatose with fullness.
JOYCE
Pass me the Malomars.
BUFFY
(doesn’t move)
I can’t.
JOYCE
(doesn’t move)
Good.

The doorbell rings. Buffy pulls herself off the couch with great effort.
EXT. BUFFY’S PORCH – NIGHT
Buffy opens the door. Nothing but the chilly night breeze. She looks around, suddenly alert.
INT. BUFFY’S HALLWAY/LIVING ROOM – CONT
Buffy closes the door. Sees that the television now chatters to an EMPTY ROOM. Her mom is nowhere
to be seen.

BUFFY
Mom?

Silence.
INT. BUFFY’S KITCHEN – CONT
Buffy moves through the kitchen cautiously. A noise SPINS her around – but it’s just a tree branch
scratching the window.
She takes a few steps back. We can see behind her, but she can not, that the back door is OPENING.
She walks smack into –
JOYCE
Buffy SHOUTS. SPINS – ready to FIGHT.

JOYCE
Buffy! It’s me.
BUFFY
(letting down)
Sorry… You startled me.
JOYCE

I – I went to check the back door.

She lifts a LONG BLACK FLOWER BOX. Hands it to Buffy.
JOYCE

Somebody left these for you.

Buffy takes the box – cautiously opens it.

CLOSE ON THE BOX
A dozen beautiful, blood red roses. And a card – “SOON.”
OFF BUFFY
Dread creeping over her features.
INT. THE BRONZE – NIGHT
Xander spots Cordelia. Takes a deep breath and approaches.
XANDER
Hey.
CORDELIA
Your clothes. You look so nice.

XANDER
I let Buffy dress me.
(off her look)
Well, not physically…
CORDELIA

Perfect. You just had to make this
harder, didn’t you?

A beat. Xander is perplexed.

XANDER

Okay. Clearly the fact that I please
you visually got us off on the wrong

foot here.
CORDELIA
Xander –
XANDER

Let me finish. I’ve been thinking a lot
about us. The why and the wherefore.
And, you know – once, twice. A
kissy here. A kissy there. You can
chalk it up to hormones. But hormones
only take you so far.
(then)

Okay. Really far. And maybe that’s
all we have here. Tawdry teen lust.

(sincere)

But maybe – not. Maybe something in
you sees something… special in me.
And visa versa. I mean, I think I do.
See something. So –

He thrusts the gift box into her hands. Struck dumb, Cordelia opens it. Pulls the silver heart from it.

CORDELIA
(pained)

Xander. Thank you. It’s beautiful.
I want to break up.
XANDER
(stunned/re: necklace)
Not really the reaction I was going for.

CORDELIA

I’m sorry. I really am. It’s just – who

are we kidding? I mean, even if parts
of us do see specialness… We just don’t

fit.
XANDER
(anger growing)

Yeah, okay – you know what’s a good
day to break up with someone? Any
day besides Valentine’s Day. Were
you just running low on dramatic irony?

CORDELIA

I know. I didn’t mean to do it like this –

Xander reacts. Tries hard to maintain.

XANDER
Well you did.

He walks off. Cordelia looks down at the heart.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Xander walks down the hall, a picture of misery. A few girls who were at the Bronze the night before
pass, giggle. A JOCK that he passes slaps him on the back and says with incongruous bonhomie:

JOCK

Dude! Way to get dumped!

Xander sucks it up. Walks on. Then he sees BUFFY, who is power-freaked after her visit from Angel.

XANDER

Buffy. My bud. You would not
believe the kind of day –
BUFFY
(cutting him off)
I can’t talk right now. It’s Angel.

XANDER
Well, do you need help?
BUFFY
It’s all right.

She leaves him in the dust. Then Xander sees CORDELIA, HARMONY and the Cordettes standing near
by. Harmony smirks.

HARMONY

Gee, Xander, maybe you should learn
a second language so that more girls

can reject you.

Cordelia looks away, ashamed, as Harmony and the Cordettes crack up.
That’s it. Xander turns and goes throught the doors to the hall.
INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY – DAY
As soon as he is in he passes AMY. He stops her, grabbing her arm. Sudden purpose in his eyes.

AMY
What are you doing?

Xander backs her slightly against the wall.

XANDER

Amy! Good to see you! You’re a witch.

AMY

No, I’m not! That was my mom,

remember?
XANDER

I’m thinking it runs in the family. I
saw you working that mojo on Miss
Beakman. Maybe I should tell
someone about that.
AMY

That’s not even – I never – that’s so

mean!
XANDER

Blackmail is such an ugly word.

AMY
I didn’t say blackmail.
XANDER

Yeah, well I’m about to blackmail you
so I thought I’d bring it up.

AMY
What do you want?
XANDER

What do I want? I want a little respect
around here. I want – for once – to
come out ahead. I want the hellmouth

working for me.
He looks at Cordy through the glass in the doors.
XANDER

You and me, Amy… We’re gonna cast

a little spell.

BLACK OUT

END OF ACT ONE
Act Two

INT. EMPTY CLASSROOM – DAY
Amy is looking at Xander, perplexed.

AMY
A love spell?
XANDER

Just the basic. You know – can’t eat,
can’t sleep, can’t breathe anything but

little old moi.
AMY

That kind of thing is the hardest. I
mean, to make someone love you for

all eternity –

XANDER

Whoa. Back up. Who said anything
about eternity? A man can only talk
self-tanning lotion for so long
before his head explodes.

AMY

Then – I don’t get it. If you don’t want
to be with her forever – what’s the

point?
XANDER

The point is – I want her to want me.
Desperately. Then I can break up with
her and subject her to the same hell
she’s putting me through.

AMY

I don’t know, Xander. Intent has to
be pure with love spells.
XANDER

Right. I intend revenge. Pure as the
driven snow. Now are you going to
play or do we need to chat some
more about invisible homework?

Amy knows she’s beat.

AMY

I’ll need something of hers. A personal

object.

INT. LIBRARY – DAY
Buffy enters – drops the card that Angel left for her on the book GILES is reading. He picks it up –
looks at it.

BUFFY

“Soon?” Soon what, Giles? I mean,
you never held back on me until the
big, bad thing in the dark became my

ex-honey.
GILES

Where did this come from?

BUFFY
He said it with flowers.
(off his look)

This is no time to start being protective
guy. I can’t just hang around – and I
can’t prepare when I don’t know what’s

coming.

Giles finally nods gravely.

GILES

Of course – you’re right. Sit down.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Cordy is walking down the hall when she sees Xander marching toward her, purposeful. She starts to
go the other direction – but Xander cuts her off.

XANDER

Don’t flatter yourself. I’m not going
to make a big scene. I just want the

necklace back.
CORDELIA
What? I thought it was a gift.

XANDER

Last night it was a gift. Today it’s scrap
metal. I figure I can melt it down –
sell it for fillings or something.
CORDELIA
You’re pathetic…

A beat. Xander taps his foot impatiently.

XANDER

Come on. I’m not going to add to the
“Cordelia Chase Cast-Off Collection.”

CORDELIA
(stalling)
It’s in my locker.
XANDER
I can wait.

Cordelia HUFFS over to her locker. Opens it.
CLOSE ON CORDELIA
Who hides behind the locker door. Waits until Xander isn’t looking and then, discretely removes the
necklace from around her neck. She’s been wearing it under her blouse.
ON XANDER
Who watches Cordelia SLAM the locker door shut. Move back to him with the necklace in her
outstretched hand.

CORDELIA

Here. Thank God we broke up. Now
I don’t have to pretend to like it.

Xander SNATCHES it from her hand. Moves off.
INT. SCIENCE LAB – NIGHT
The room is dark – except for the light of one candle. Amy has drawn a LARGE FEMALE SYMBOL on
the ground in red chalk. Xander, shirtless, kneels in the center of the chalk circle, holding the
aforementioned candle – which has Cordelia’s name written on it. Herbs and such boil in a lab beaker.
A picture of Cordelia sits in front of Xander.
Amy reads from her spell book.

AMY

“Diana, goddess of love and the hunt.
I pray to thee. Let my cries bind the
heart of Xander’s beloved. May she
neither rest nor sleep…”

Amy drops the HEART-SHAPED NECKLACE into her brew. The brew ignites and starts to spew RED
SMOKE. Amy starts to tremble.

AMY

“until she submits to his will only.
Diana! Bring about this love and

bless it!”

Amy is quaking with cosmic energy as she addresses Xander – her tone urgent.

AMY

Blow out the candle! Now!

Xander obeys her command. They are plunged into –
BLACK
A long, silent beat. Then – Xander’s shaky voice.
XANDER

Great. Really. Good spell… Can I put
my shirt on now?

INT. LOUNGE – DAY
The next morning. Xander enters, ready for love. Then he spots Cordy in the lounge with Harmony.
Saunters over. He stands near Cordy for a beat, smiling and preening. Finally:

CORDELIA
What?
XANDER
(all smiles)
Morning, ladies.
(seductively)

Some weather we’ve been having.

Cordy is obviously surprised by his approach.

CORDELIA

What do you want? You can’t be sniffing
around for more jewelry to melt –
’cause all you ever gave me was that
Walmart-looking thing.
Xander’s smile falters – he moves a little closer to her. Speaks softly.

XANDER

Is this love? ‘Cause, maybe on you it
doesn’t look that different –
CORDELIA
(shoves him back)
What is up? Are you going, like,
stalker-boy on me?

That’s enough testing for Xander.

XANDER
Sorry. My mistake.
CORDELIA
Yeah. I’d say so.
Xander moves off, chagrined. Cordelia turns to Harmony.
CORDELIA
What is his deal?

HARMONY

I know. Did he cut his hair or something?
He looked half-way decent for a change.

Off Cordy. Confused by Harmony’s comment.
INT. LIBRARY – DAY
Buffy is with Giles, going over further Watcher diaries.
GILES

Ah, here’s another. Valentine’s
Day, yes, Angel nails a puppy to –

BUFFY
Skip it.
GILES
But –
BUFFY

I don’t want to know. I don’t have a
puppy. We can skip it.
GILES

Right. Let me get the next batch.

He crosses to his office as Xander enters glumly.
XANDER

I have a plan. We use me as bait.

BUFFY

You mean, make Angel come after you?

XANDER

No I mean chop me into little pieces
and stick me on hooks for fish to nibble
at cuz that would be more fun than my

life.
BUFFY

I heard about you and Cordy. It’s her loss.

XANDER
Not the popular theory…
Buffy runs her hand through his hair, looking into his eyes.
BUFFY

You know what I’d like? Why don’t
you and I go do something tonight.

Just us.
XANDER
Really?
BUFFY

Yeah, we can comfort each other.

XANDER

Would lap dancing enter into this scenario
at all? ‘Cause I find that very comforting.

BUFFY
Play your cards right…

XANDER

Okay. You do know that I’m Xander,

right?
BUFFY

I don’t know… I heard you and Cordy
broke up, I was surprised how glad

I was.

She’s very close to him now, and since you ask, yes there’s heat. Yet her advances are more than
sexkittenish – they’re sincere.

BUFFY

It’s funny how you can see a person
every day and not really see them,

you know.
XANDER
(enraptured)
It’s funny. And it’s just getting

funnier.
BUFFY

When you think about it, we make a lot

of sense –

Amy enters, somewhat timidly.

AMY

Xander, can I talk to you for a minute?

XANDER
(to Amy)
Yeah. Okay.
(to Buffy)
Hold that thought. Tightly.

He goes off with Amy.
INT. HALL OUTSIDE LIBRARY – CONTINUOUS
They stop right by the doors, Xander looking in anxiously at his newly affectionate Buffy.

AMY

Xander, I don’t think the spell worked

out right.
XANDER

Yeah, we bombed. No biggie.

AMY

Well, we could try again. I’m still
pretty new at this.
XANDER

It’s okay. You know what? It was
wrong to meddle with the forces of
darkness and I see that now. I think
we’ve all grown. I gotta go.

AMY

Well, we don’t have to cast any spells –
we could just hang out.
XANDER
Sure… what?

AMY

Well, I really liked spending time
with you. You’re so sweet… It’s
funny how you can see a person
every day and –
XANDER
(his expression drains)
— not really see them?
AMY
Exactly!

The wind goes right out of Xander’s sails. In fact, his sails fall down. He looks in to see
ANGLE: BUFFY THROUGH THE WINDOW
Who smiles seductively at him as Giles reads something to her that she doesn’t hear.

AMY

So anyway, I thought it might be fun to –

KATIE
Hi, Xander?

KATIE’S quite attractive, and clearly smitten.

XANDER
What?
KATIE

You’re in Mr. Baird’s history class,
right? I thought maybe we could
study together tonight.
AMY

Do you mind? We were talking.

XANDER

I really have to leave right now.

KATIE

Well, here’s my number if
you want to –

She holds up a little slip of paper, but he takes off. A beat later and he appears in the frame, takes
the paper and leaves again.
INT. XANDER’S ROOM – NIGHT
Xander races in and locks the door, exhausted and shaken. He moves to his bed and starts to lie
down. But YELPS and JUMPS UP when he realizes that he is NOT ALONE. WILLOW sits up, smiles.
Xander, wary, starts to inch for the door.

WILLOW

Sorry. I wanted to surprise you.

XANDER
Good job. High marks.
WILLOW

Don’t be so jumpy. I’ve been in your

bed before.
XANDER

Yeah, Will, but we were in footie

pajamas.

Willow’s manner becomes more and more sweetly predatory. This is a new Willow. Sexual, mature.

WILLOW
Xand. I’ve been thinking.
XANDER

Will, I think I know what you were
thinking, but this is all my fault, I cast
a spell and it sort of backfired –

WILLOW
(cutting him off)
How long have we been friends?

XANDER

A long, long time. Too long to do
anything that might change it now.

WILLOW

But friendships always change. People
grow apart. They grow closer.

XANDER

This is good. How close we are now?
I feel very comfortable with this amount
of closeness. In fact, I could even back
up a few paces and still be happy…

See?
WILLOW

I want you, Xander. To be my first-
XANDER

(weakly hopeful)

Baseman? Please tell me we’re talking

softball.

Now she gets out of bed. We see now that she’s WEARING HIS BUTTON DOWN SHIRT. She moves
toward him.

XANDER
That’s… dry clean only.
WILLOW

Shhhh. We both know it’s right.
She pins him against the door. Tries to kiss him. But he turns away.

XANDER

It’s not that I don’t find you sexy-
WILLOW

Is it Oz? Don’t worry about him. He’s
sweet – but he’s not you.
XANDER

Yes he is! And you should go to him.

‘Cause he’s me.

She nibbles his ear.

XANDER

Willow, don’t make me use force.

WILLOW
Force is okay…

He pushes her away.

XANDER

That’s it. This has all gotta stop. It’s
time for me to act like a man. And hide.

He flees, leaving Willow in his room.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
A new day. Cordelia approaches Harmony and the others – but they give her the cold shoulder.

CORDELIA

Ha. Very funny. What did I do now –
wear red and purple together?

HARMONY
(cold as ice)

You know what you did. Xander is
wounded because of you.

They start to walk away.

CORDELIA

Are you tripping? I thought you wanted

me to break up with him-
HARMONY

You’d better look at yourself, Cordelia.
Only a sick pup would let Xander get
away – no matter what her friends say.
Harmony and the others leave Cordelia stunned. Finally she calls after them:

CORDELIA

What does it take to make you people happy?

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – ANOTHER AREA – DAY
CLOSE ON
SLO MO – a pair of feet move down the hall. COOL GUY music plays over. But when we WIDEN we
see that the feet belong to a terrified XANDER instead of a hip love God.
Every person in the hallway is STARING at him. The woman all GAPE adoringly and the men all
GLARE – enraged. Xander ducks into the library.
INT. LIBRARY – DAY
Giles sees Xander enter – reacts to his obvious agitation.
GILES
Xander. What is it?
XANDER

It’s me. Throwing myself at your

mercy.
GILES
What? Why?
XANDER

I made a mess, Giles. See, I found out

that Amy’s into witchcraft? And I was
hurt, I guess, so I made her put the
love whammy on Cordy. But it backfired.
And now every woman in Sunnydale
wants to make me her cuddle-monkey.
Which may sound swell on paper but –

Calendar enters – marches up to GILES.

CALENDAR
Rupert. We need to talk.
(notices Xander)
Hey, Xander. Nice shirt.

Calendar tries valiantly to stay focused. But is drawn all the while like a magnet to XANDER. As she
speaks, she rests her hand casually on Xander’s arm.
CALENDAR

Rupert I know you’re angry at me and
I don’t blame you. But I’m not going
away. I care too much about you to –
(to Xander, feeling his arm)
Have you been working out?
Giles grabs Calendar. Moves her away from Xander, livid.
GILES
(to Xander)

I can’t believe you’d be fool enough to
do something like this.
XANDER

Oh no. I’m twice the fool it takes to
do something like this.
GILES

Has Amy tried to reverse the spell?

XANDER

I get near Amy and all she wants to
talk is honeymoon plans.
CALENDAR

Rupert, maybe I should talk to Xander

alone.
GILES

Do you have any idea how serious this
is? People under the influence of love
spells are deadly, Xander. They lose
all capacity to reason. And if what you
say is true, and the whole female population

is affected…
(then)

Don’t leave this library. I’ll find Amy.
See if we can stop this thing.

Giles begins to go – but remembers Calendar, who stares at Xander longingly. Giles grabs her.
And he takes off with Calendar in tow. A beat. Then Xander drags the card catalog in front of the
library doors.
He steps back – and the door opens anyway, since they open out. Buffy steps around the card
catalog.

BUFFY
Alone at last.

Xander looks up to see BUFFY ENTER, WEARING NOTHING BUT A RAINCOAT AND HEELS. The
raincoat is tied with a belt.

XANDER

Buff! Give me a heart attack-
She looks him in the eye. Deadly.

BUFFY

I’m going to give you a lot more than

that.

Xander scrambles away from her. But Buffy’s right on top of him. Moving in.

XANDER

Buffy. For the love of God, don’t open

that rain coat.
BUFFY
Come on, it’s a party.
(plays with belt)

Aren’t you gonna open your present?

XANDER

Not that I don’t want to… Sometimes
the remote, impossible possibility that
you might like me was all that sustained

me…
(frustration mounting)
But not now. Not like this. This isn’t
real to you. You’re only here because
of a spell. I mean, if I thought you had
one clue what it would mean to me…
But you don’t, so I can’t –

Buffy’s expression shifts. A flash of DEADLY ANGER crosses her features. Fatal Attraction time.

BUFFY

So – this is all a game to you.

XANDER
A game? I – no…
Buffy’s ire rises. She advances on him – menacing.
BUFFY

You make me feel this way and then
reject me. What am I – a toy?

XANDER

Buffy, please. Calm down-
BUFFY

I’ll calm down when you explain yourself!

Buffy looks like she’s about to inflict bodily harm – but then the doors open and AMY enters. Furious.

AMY

Get away from him. He’s mine.

BUFFY turns on Amy. Seething.

BUFFY

I don’t think so. Xander? Tell her.

XANDER
What? I – I –
AMY

He doesn’t have to say. I know what

his heart wants.
Amy starts to move toward Xander. Buffy blocks her.
BUFFY

Funny. I know what your face wants-
And BUFFY DECKS AMY. Amy flies back and hits the floor, bloodied. Buffy turns to Xander – wild eyed.

BUFFY

What is this? You’re two-timing me?

Amy starts to incant. Angry eyes boring into Buffy.
AMY

“Goddess Hecate, work thy will…”

Amy raises her arms to Buffy. Her eyes GO BLACK.
XANDER
Uh oh.
AMY

“Before thee let the unclean thing crawl!”

A ball of energy flies from AMY’S HANDS.

XANDER
Buffy!

The ENERGY EXPLODES as it HITS Buffy – engulfing her until IT AND BUFFY seem to VAPORIZE. A
beat as Xander and Amy recover.
Xander moves to where Buffy disappeared. Looks to the floor.
CLOSE ON XANDER
Horrified.

XANDER
Oh my God.

BLACK OUT

END OF ACT TWO
Act Three

INT. LIBRARY – DAY
GILES ENTERS with CALENDAR IN TOW.

GILES

Good Lord, what was that –
XANDER
Buffy.

GILES
Where is she?

CLOSE ON THE FLOOR
Where a LARGE RAT, AKA BUFFY, emerges from the crumpled up raincoat. It darts this way and that,
freaked.

GILES
Oh my God.
AMY
(glaring at Calendar)
Why is she here?
XANDER

Do you think we could focus for one
minute? You turned Buffy into a rat!

Amy moves to Xander – takes him by the arm.
AMY

Buffy can take care of herself. Let’s
go someplace private.

Xander tries to shake her off.

XANDER

Can you…? I’m not going anywhere
until you change her back!
Now CALENDAR takes Xander’s OTHER arm. Speaks to Amy.
CALENDAR

You heard him. Undo your magic trick

and get lost.
AMY

Who made you Queen of the world?

I mean, you’re old enough-
CALENDAR

What can I say? Xander’s too much

man for the pimple squad-
Amy fumes. Her eyes go black.

AMY

“Goddess Hecate, to you I pray-“

SLAP. A hand goes around her mouth. Xander.
XANDER

Would you quit with the HECATE!?

Still covering her mouth, Xander moves with Amy to Giles and hands her off to him.

XANDER
No more talky from this one.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Cordelia closes her locker. Is surprised to see HARMONY, the Cordettes and a BUNCH OF OTHER
WOMEN – of all ages and sizes – staring daggers at her. Harmony approaches, the others staying
back.

CORDELIA

Okay. What now? You don’t like my

locker combo?
HARMONY

It’s not right. You never loved him.
You just USED him. You make me

sick.
CORDELIA

Harmony, if you need to borrow my

Midol, just ask.

Harmony slaps Cordelia in the face. Cordy stops, shocked. She turns to go and Katie is there, slams
her back into the lockers.
INT. LIBRARY – DAY
CLOSE ON BUFFY RAT
Darting toward a safe corner.
ON GILES, XANDER, ET AL.

GILES

We have to trap the Buffy-rat.

Xander spots her. Follows her into the corner.

XANDER
Good, Buffy. Just…

He’s about to pick her up when the library doors SLAM open and OZ strides in. He moves to Xander
and PUNCHES HIM.
Buffy Rat, freaked, RUNS OUT THE SWINGING LIBRARY DOORS.

OZ
(looking at his hand)
That – kinda hurt.
XANDER
Kinda?! What was that for?

OZ

I was on the phone all night, listing
to Willow cry about you. I don’t know
exactly what happened, but I was left
with the very strong urge to hit you.

XANDER
I didn’t touch her. I swear –

Giles interrupts, coldly furious. Looking at the ground.
GILES

Xander. Where did Buffy go?

Xander and Giles both get down and look at the ground. Amy and Calendar don’t move – they are too
busy glaring at each other. Xander notices Oz’s puzzled look.
XANDER
Amy turned Buffy into a rat.

OZ
(nods)

Oh.
GILES
I don’t see her.
(to Xander)

If anything happens to her, I’ll… Just

  • go home. Lock yourself away. You’re
    only going to cause more problems
    here. Amy, Jenny and I will work on
    breaking the spells.
    (to Oz)

Oz – if you could aid us in finding Buffy…

OZ
Sure. Absolutely.

Xander is about to speak. But Giles cuts him off.
GILES
Go. Get out of my sight.

Xander takes off – hurt and ashamed.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Xander checks the hall. Sees the GANG of WOMEN, involved in some kind of ANGRY commotion. He
heads in the OTHER DIRECTION, but stops as he realizes that the sounds are VIOLENT.
ON THE WOMEN
Gathered around CORDELIA. Now they are HITTING HER, PULLING HER HAIR…

HARMONY

You thought you could do better?

Is that it?
CORDELIA
No! I, no….!
FRENZIED GIRL

We’ll knock that snotty attitude right

out of you!
A SHOWER OF BLOWS rains down on Cordelia. She SCRAMS.
ON XANDER
Who now sees that it’s CORDELIA in trouble. He runs toward –
THE MOB
Sees Xander coming their way. SHRIEK with joy.
KATIE
It’s him! It’s him!

The mob RUNS toward Xander.
XANDER sees Cordelia KNOCKED to the ground. She’s getting trampled… He has no choice but to go
forward.
CORDELIA tries to regain her footing. Somebody KICKS her.
XANDER fights through the MANIC WOMEN, who tear his clothes, scratch and grab at him…

HARMONY
Stop! Xander! I love you!

Xander finally manages to get to Cordelia. He lifts her into his arms. She buries her head in his
shoulder, crying.
Xander turns and encounters an ENORMOUS FEMALE CAFETERIA WORKER. She blocks his way.
Smiles. A beat. Xander RUNS with Cordelia in the OTHER DIRECTION.
INT. LIBRARY – DAY
Giles and Amy sit at the table, with Amy’s spell book open before them. Calendar hovers nearby.
Giles is reading intently – but both AMY and Calendar are distracted.

GILES

You must have botched the ritual so
that Cordelia’s necklace protected
her from the spell. That one should
be reversible. But where did you
learn animal transformation?

AMY

Why did you send Xander away?
He needs me.
CALENDAR
That’s a laugh.
AMY

He loves me. We look into each
other’s souls.
CALENDAR

No one can love two people at once.
What we have is real.
GILES

Instead of making me ill why doesn’t
one of you try to help?
AMY

You don’t know what I’m going through!

GILES

I know it isn’t love. It’s obsession –
selfish, banal obsession. Xander has
put himself in danger and if you
really cared about him you’d help
me save him instead of nattering
on about your feelings. Now let’s
get to work. Jenny –

But she’s gone.

GILES
Damn…

EXT. SCHOOL WALKWAY – DAY
Xander and Cordelia, back on her feet now, round a corner. Xander checks behind him.

XANDER

I think we-
They both stop dead in their tracks when they see-

AN EVEN LARGER MOB OF WOMEN
And this group is HOSTILE. ARMED. Led by none other than WILLOW – who carries an AXE.

XANDER
-lost them…

A moment as they face off with the mob. Willow steps forward. She has been crying.

WILLOW

I should have known I’d find you with

her.
XANDER

Will. Come on. You don’t want to

hurt me.
WILLOW

Oh no? You have no idea what this
is like for me. I love you so much.
I’d rather see you dead than with that

bitch!

She MOVES TOWARD XANDER WITH THE AXE – but is KNOCKED OVER by HARMONY, who tries to get
the axe away from her. Xander and Cordelia seize the moment and take off.
INT. SCHOOL BOILER ROOM – DAY
BUFFY RAT runs down the stairs and into the boiler room. A moment later, OZ follows, holding a
FLASHLIGHT.
Buffy Rat disappears behind a furnace pipe. Oz moves slowly around the room, his flashlight
searching dark corners.

OZ
Hey. Buffy?

CLOSE ON BUFFY RAT (AND/OR RAT CAM)
Oblivious – she runs along the baseboard. Sniffing. Doing rat things.
Then she turns a corner and runs SMACK into a GIGANTIC (to her anyway) TOM CAT. The cat
HISSES, bares his horrible teeth. Buffy rat backs off and the cat moves off, disappears up the stairs
and into the school.
Buffy Rat darts into a dark corner, terrified.
EXT. NEAR BUFFY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Xander and Cordelia race down the street. He looks over his shoulder, slows.

XANDER

Now I really think we lost them.

CORDELIA
(genuinely scared)
Dammit, Xander, what is going on?
Who died and made you Elvis?

Xander sees Buffy’s house ahead.

XANDER

There’s Buffy’s place. Let’s get inside.

Then I’ll explain.

EXT. BUFFY’S PORCH – NIGHT

JOYCE, surprised, opens the door for Xander and Cordelia.
JOYCE
Xander! Cordelia?

INT. BUFFY’S KITCHEN – NIGHT
Joyce follows them into the kitchen.

JOYCE

What happened? Why are you all
scratched up? Where’s Buffy?

XANDER
She’s… around.
JOYCE

Well. Sit down and tell me about it.

(to Cordy)

Why don’t you run upstairs and grab
some bandages out of the bathroom?

A beat after Cordy takes off. Xander smiles weakly. Joyce sighs and smiles back. And keeps smiling.
Uh oh.

JOYCE
(brightly)

Let me get you something to drink.
Are you in the mood for cold or hot?

XANDER
I – uh –

Joyce stands, moves to the counter behind him. Then she turns, puts her hands on his shoulders.

JOYCE

I think it’s more of a… hot night.

Don’t you?
Xander drops his head on the table with a thud. Totally defeated.
XANDER
Whatever.
JOYCE

Goodness. You are so tense.

She starts to kneed his shoulders. She’s bending down to KISS his neck when –

CORDELIA (O.C.)
What are you doing?! Make me yak!

Joyce snaps her head up. Looks at Cordelia coolly.
JOYCE

Go back upstairs, Cordelia. This is

between us.
CORDELIA
Gross. I think not.

Cordy grabs Joyce. They struggle – but Cordy is stronger and easily throws Joyce OUT THE BACK
DOOR. LOCKS IT.

CORDELIA

And keep your mom-aged mitts away

from my boyfriend… Former!

Now Cordy turns to Xander – pissed.

CORDELIA

Why has everyone gone insane?

XANDER

Insane? It’s impossible for you to
believe that other women find me

attractive?
CORDELIA

The only way you could get girls to
want you would be Witchcraft!

XANDER

That is such a -well okay yeah, good

point.

They are silenced when A ROCK FLIES THROUGH THE WINDOW. Then JOYCE’s HAND appears, feeling
for the DOOR LOCK.

JOYCE

Xander? Honey? Let Joycie in!

A beat. Then Xander and Cordy BOLT.
INT. BUFFY’S ROOM – NIGHT
Xander and Cordy SLAM into Buffy’s room. Xander runs to the window. Opens it and leans out.

XANDER

Good. The mob still hasn’t found us.
We should be safer up here –

He’s cut off as ANGEL, VAMP FACE AND ALL, appears at the window, grabbing him and pulling him
out.

ANGEL
Works in theory…

BLACK OUT

END OF ACT THREE
Act Four

INT. SCHOOL BOILER ROOM – NIGHT
RAT CAM (BUFFY RAT P.O.V.)
She creeps along, moves toward a bunch of CARTONS.
Suddenly into view comes A BIG, BAD-ASS RAT TRAP – with a TASTY-LOOKING HUNK’O CHEESE on
it.
Buffy Rat sniffs CLOSER.
EXT. BUFFY’S ROOF – NIGHT
Angel pulls Xander closer. Gets in his face.

ANGEL
Where’s Buffy?

XANDER
Cordy, get out of here!

Impatiently, Angel throws Xander off the roof.
EXT. BUFFY’S HOUSE – CONT.
Xander hits the ground hard. A moment later Angel lands gracefully next to him. Lifts a dazed Xander

with one hand-
ANGEL

Perfect. I wanted to do something
special for Buffy – actually – to Buffy.
But this is so much better.

Xander KNEES ANGEL, who falters briefly but then BACKHANDS him – sending him flying. Angel pins
Xander to the ground, wrenches his head to one side, baring his tender white neck.

ANGEL

If it’s any consolation, I feel very close

to you right now-
Angel opens wide – moves in for the kill. Hands GRAB Angel and easily pull him off, throw him

against a tree.
XANDER looks up – grateful.

XANDER

Buffy?! How did you-
But he stops when he sees his rescuer. Dumbfounded.

DRUSILLA
Smiles down at him. Extends a hand.

DRUSILLA

Don’t fret, Kitten. Mommy’s here.
Xander backs away from her. But she GRABS him, helps him up.
ANGEL
(furious)

I don’t know what you’re up to, Dru,
but it doesn’t amuse.
Dru turns on ANGEL, seething. Petting a horrified Xander all the while.

DRUSILLA

If you so much as harmed one hair on

this boy’s precious head-
Angel can’t believe his ears.

ANGEL

You’ve got to be kidding? Him?

DRUSILLA

Now, now. Just because I finally found

a real man…

Angel shakes his head, uncomprehending.

ANGEL

A real man? I guess I really did drive

you crazy.

He fades back as Dru concentrates on her new boytoy. She gazes at him lovingly. Traces the lines of
his eyes, his lips…

DRUSILLA

Your face is a poem. I can read it…

XANDER

Really? It doesn’t say – “spare him”

by any chance?
DRUSILLA
Shhhhhh.

She BARES her VAMP TEETH.

DRUSILLA

How do you feel about eternal life?

XANDER

Don’t you think we could start with
coffee? A movie maybe?

Drusilla smiles – bends to his neck. Xander struggles, desperate – when, suddenly, THE NIGHT IS
FILLED WITH HOSTILE SHOUTS. Drusilla looks up – wide eyed.
THE MOB
Still led by Willow, but even larger than before. It now includes CALENDAR and HARMONY and KATIE.

CALENDAR
There he is!
WILLOW
Get them!

DRU AND XANDER are surrounded. Besieged by crying, violent women. Xander is YANKED from her
arms. He and Dru are separated in the melee.

CALENDAR
Mine! He’s mine!

Wild women rip at his clothes, tear at his hair. WILLOW watches – lover’s wrath burning in her eyes
as she twists her axe, waiting for her moment.
Now Xander’s knocked to the ground and pinned by a LARGE WOMAN. WILLOW steps forward. Raises
her AXE. Looks down at him, sorrowful.

WILLOW

All you had to do was love me.

She’s about to bring the axe down when Cordelia slams into her, knocking her to the ground.
Cordy and Xander make it into the house, just barely managing to close the door against the
FRENZIED WOMEN outside.
EXT. BUFFY’S HOUSE – CONT.
Drusilla is part of the MOB that lays siege to Buffy’s house. She pulls the BACK DOOR OFF THE
HINGES. Two women run in – Dru starts to follow – but SLAMS into an invisible barrier.
Now we see Angel, leaning against a tree nearby. Smirking.
ANGEL

Sorry, Dru. Guess you’re not invited.

Dru, beyond frustration, SCREAMS.

INT. BUFFY’S FOYER – NIGHT
Xander and Cordelia don’t have a chance to catch their breath before JOYCE appears in the living
room doorway holding a LARGE CARVING KNIFE. She is distraught.

JOYCE

It’s never gonna work for us, Xander.
We have to end it.

The other two women who came in the back run up and join Joyce. Freaked, Xander and Cordelia

race for-
INT. BUFFY’S BASEMENT – NIGHT

-where they lock the door.

CORDELIA

Déjà vu much? Here’s another good
reason not to date you. People are
always trying to kill me when I’m
with you! So – what do we do now?
Wait for Buffy to come?
XANDER
I… wouldn’t hold my breath.

INT. SCHOOL BOILER ROOM – DAY
RAT CAM: the trap looms large. The Buffy Rat approaches.
ANGLE: OZ

Still searching for Buffy Rat, unconsciously sings to himself-
OZ

(theme from “BEN”)
“…Ben, the two of us need look no
more… we both found what we
were looking for-“

INT. SCIENCE LAB – NIGHT
Again with the candle light and the red chalk “female” symbol. Giles and a sullen AMY stand at the
lab table, with her spell book. A beaker boils with a new brew.
GILES
Right. You go first.

INT. BUFFY’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
Cordelia and Xander are nailing the door shut. We hear someone trying it.

CALENDAR (O.C.)
Xander? Xander, it’s okay, it’s me…
(sudden pounding)
OPEN THE DOOR! XANDER!
XANDER
Give me another nail.
CORDELIA

If we die in here I’m gonna kick your

ass! I mean it.
XANDER

None of this would have happened if

you hadn’t broken up with me. But
no, you’re so desperate to be popular.

CORDELIA

Me? I’m not the one who embraced
the black arts just to get girls to like
me. Well, congratulations, I guess it

worked.
XANDER

It would have worked fine! Except
your hide’s so thick not even magic
can penetrate it!
CORDELIA
(quieter)

You mean, the spell was for me?

A KNIFE comes through the door right between them. Cordy SCREAMS and they both run down the
stairs.
As they reach the cellar floor, glass shatters from the window, an arm reaching in at them.
INT. SCIENCE LAB – NIGHT
Giles drops a tuft of RODENT HAIR into the boiling beaker. Again, a great plume of smoke rises.

AMY

“Diana! Hecate! I hereby license thee

to depart-“

INT. SCHOOL BOILER ROOM – NIGHT
RAT CAM
Buffy Rat finally GOES FOR THE CHEESE in the trap.
INT. SCIENCE LAB – NIGHT

AMY

“Goddess of creatures great and small –
I conjure thee to withdraw!”

INT. SCHOOL BOILER ROOM – NIGHT
Oz is still looking around when he is flooded by light from behind a bunch of crates. As it dissipates,
he steps forward.

OZ
Buffy?

Buffy is on the ground behind the crates, which hide her delicate situation from view. (i.e.
nekkidness.)

BUFFY
Whoah.

INT. BUFFY’S BASESMENT – NIGHT
The door FLIES open, the women pouring down.
Cordelia and Xander back into a corner, Xander wielding a heavy wrench.

CORDELIA
Oh god…

XANDER
Get behind me!

INT. SCIENCE LAB – NIGHT
Now Giles adds some herbs to the brew. MORE SMOKE.
GILES

“Diana, Goddess of love, be gone.
Hear no more your siren’s song!”

INT. BUFFY’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
Willow heads the pack that converge on Xander. He is buried under their tearing hands.
INT. SCIENCE LAB – NIGHT
Giles throws Cordelia’s necklace in the pot. All at once there is a great CGI rush of light from every
window and doorway in the place – all disappearing into the pot.
INT. BUFFY’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
Everybody stops, staggers back, slightly dazed. Xander is curled up in the fetal position. Meekly he
looks around.
INT. SCHOOL BOILER ROOM – NIGHT
Oz approaches Buffy.

BUFFY

Uh, hi, Oz. I seem to be having a slight

case of nudity.
OZ

But you’re not a rat. Call it an up side.

BUFFY

Can you grab me some clothes?

OZ

Oh, yeah. Don’t go anywhere.

BUFFY
Really not an issue.

INT. SCIENCE LAB – NIGHT
Giles and Amy look around them. Everything seems normal.
Giles gives Amy a stern look. Sheepishly, she hands him the book of spells.
INT. BUFFY’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
Xander gets up, Cordelia coming out from the corner as the women look at each other, bewildered.
Joyce, in particular, looks disturbed.

JOYCE
What… what did we –
CORDELIA

Boy! That was the best scavenger hunt

ever!
She smiles brightly at the others, hoping they’ll buy it.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY

Buffy and Xander walk.

BUFFY
Scavenger hunt?
XANDER

Well, your mom seemed to buy it.

BUFFY

So she says. I think she’s just so wigged
at hitting on one of my friends that
she’s repressing. She’s getting really
good at that, actually. I should probably

worry.
XANDER

Well, I’m back to being incredibly

unpopular.
BUFFY

It’s better than everybody trying to
axe murder you, right?
XANDER

Mostly. But… Willow. Won’t even

talk to me.
BUFFY

Any particular reason she should?

XANDER

How much groveling are we talking

here?
BUFFY

A month, at least. This was worse for
her than anyone. She loved you before
you invoked the great roofie spirit.
The rest of us…
XANDER
You remember, huh?
BUFFY

Oh yeah. I remember coming on to
you. I remember begging you to
undress me… And then a sudden
need for cheese.
(beat)

I also remember that you didn’t.

XANDER
Need cheese?
BUFFY

Undress me. It meant a lot to me, what

you said.
XANDER

I would never take advantage of you
like that. Okay, it was touch and go
for a minute there, but…
BUFFY

You came through, Xander. There
may be hope for you yet.

XANDER
Tell that to Cordelia.
BUFFY
You’re on your own, there.

He goes off.
EXT. COURTYARD – DAY
Cordy and Harmony are back in lock step, the other Cordettes around.

HARMONY

Cody Weinberg called me at home

last night.
CORDELIA

Cody? The one with the 350 SL?

HARMONY

The very one. Said he’s thinking
of taking me to the pledge dance

on Thursday.
CORDELIA
That’s so huge!
HARMONY

Yeah! There’s just two other girls
he’s gonna ask first and if they

refuse –

They (literally) bump into Xander.

HARMONY
Watch it!
XANDER
Sorry.
A beat as he and Cordy look at each other. She looks down.
HARMONY

Excuse me, who asked you to share
our oxygen? God.

Xander starts off. Harmony calls after him.

HARMONY

I’m glad your mom stopped working
the drive thru long enough to dress you.

He just keeps walking, his face grimly set.

HARMONY

That reminds me, did you SEE Jennifer’s
backpack? It’s so trying to be –

CORDELIA
Harmony, shut up.
Everyone stops – including Xander, who slowly turns, as:
CORDELIA

You know what you are, Harmony?

You’re a sheep.

HARMONY
I’m not a sheep.
CORDELIA
You’re a sheep. Sweaters are
made from your wooly coat.
She moves toward Xander, turning back to face Harmony.
CORDELIA

All you ever do is what everyone
else does, so you can say you did
it first. And here I am scrambling
for your approval, when I’m way
cooler than you are because I’m not
a sheep! I do what I want, I wear
what I want, and you know what?
I’ll date whoever I want to date,
no matter how lame he is!
She grabs Xander’s hand and they walk off, leaving Harmony stunned.
ANGLE: XANDER AND CORDELIA
She is breathing shallow, terrified at her own display of independence.

CORDELIA
Oh, god, oh, god…
XANDER

You’re gonna be okay. Just keep

walking.
CORDELIA

Oh god, what have I done? No one’s
ever gonna speak to me again.

XANDER

Sure they will. If it helps, when we’re
around them you and I can fight a lot.

CORDELIA
You promise?
XANDER

You can pretty much count on it.

BLACK OUT

THE END

Transcripts

Prologue

In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against
the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.
The cemetery at night. The camera is focused on a heart-shaped locket
that Xander is dangling in the extreme foreground so that everything in
the distance is out of focus and unrecognizable.
Xander: So, what do you think?
The camera shifts its focus onto Buffy sitting on a gravestone.
Buffy: It’s nice.
Cut to a full-view shot of them. They are waiting near a fresh grave.
Xander approaches Buffy, still dangling the locket.
Xander: But do you think Cordelia will like it?
Buffy: I don’t know.
She pulls it toward herself with her hand to take a closer look.
Buffy: Does she know what one of these is?
He yanks it out of her hand and puts it and his hands into his jacket
pockets.
Xander: (chuckles) Okay, big yuks. When are you guys gonna stop making
fun of me for dating Cordelia?
Buffy: I’m sorry. But never. (Xander nods, smiles and looks down) I
just think you could find somebody more… better.
Xander: Uh, parallel universe, maybe. (looks up) Here the only other
person I’m interested in is, um… unavailable. Besides, Cordy and I are
really getting along. We’re not fighting as much, and yesterday we just
sat together, not even speakin’. You know, just, uh, enjoying

comfortable silence. (grins and laughs, then loses the grin and exhales)
Man, that was dull.
Buffy: (smiles) I’m glad that you guys are getting along. (facetiously)
Almost really. (reassuringly) And don’t stress over the gift.
Xander: Well, this is new territory for me. I mean, my valentines are
usually met with heartfelt restraining orders.
Buffy: She’ll love it.
Xander: I wish dating was like slaying: (steps away) you know, simple,
direct, stake to the heart, no muss, no fuss.
He turns to face her again just as a vampire rises from the fresh grave.
Xander reacts quickly and jerks back as the newly risen demon comes for
him, but he trips and falls backward onto his butt. Buffy hops off of
the gravestone and grabs the vampire from behind as he is about to grab
Xander and throws him high and away. He hits the ground hard. His
momentum carries him into a reverse somersault, and he rolls to his
feet. He starts to come at Buffy. She leaps at him, does a double kick
to his chest with both feet in rapid succession and lands upright as the
vampire staggers back into the corner column of a small mausoleum. Buffy
comes at him, but he blocks her first two punches and ducks a third
swing. Her fourth and fifth punches, however, land on his face, but he
isn’t fazed. He pushes her aside into the wall of the mausoleum, and
after regaining his balance comes at her again. She slides down the wall
and kicks out with her leg, making him trip and spin down to the ground.
As he gets up she leaps at him with a high kick and knocks him back down
again. She reaches into her jacket for a stake, and when the vampire
stands back up again and tries to make a grab for her she deftly plunges
it into his chest. He immediately bursts into a cloud of ashes. Buffy
yanks the stake back and watches with satisfaction as the ash rains to
the ground. Then she heads over to Xander and gives him a hand back up
to his feet.
Buffy: Sorry to say, Xand, slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.
They start out of the cemetery.
Xander: Well, you’re obviously not dating Cordelia.
Opening credits roll. Buffy’s theme plays.
~~ Part 1 ~~
Sunnydale High School the next morning. Cordelia walks up the steps from
the street. She sees her friends sitting on a wall and heads over to
them. When they see her coming they all stand up and make their way
toward the main entrance, ignoring her.
Cordelia: Wait up. Hey, wait up! (jogs to catch up) Excuse me! Where’s
the fire sale?
They all stop and turn around to face her.
Harmony: Oh, sorry. Didn’t see you.
Cordelia: Well, why didn’t you call me back last night? We need to talk
about our outfits for the dance. I’m gonna wear red and black, (points
at Kate) so you need to switch.
Kate: Red and black? Is that what Xander likes?
Cordelia: (confused) Xander? What does he have to do with this?
Harmony: Well, a girl wants to look good for her geek.
Cordelia: Xander’s just…

Harmony: (interrupts) When are you two gonna start wearing cute little
matching outfits? ‘Cause I’m planning to vomit. (to the others) Let’s
go.
They all turn away and head into the building, leaving Cordelia behind.
Cut to American Literature class. The bell rings.
Ms. Beakman: Papers on my desk. Anybody tries to leave without giving
me a paper is looking at a failing grade.
The camera closes in on Xander sitting at the back of his row two seats
behind Willow. Buffy is to Willow’s right, and they both get ready to
go.
Xander: (holding his paper) Ha, ha, ha. This time I’m ready for you. No
‘F’ for Xander today. No, this baby’s my ticket to a sweet D-minus.
He stands up with his paper in his hands. The two girls do the same.
Willow steps down the aisle and stops next to Amy.
Willow: Hey, Amy.
Amy: Hey. (pulls on her backpack) Are you guys going to the Valentine’s
Day dance at the Bronze? I think it’s gonna be a lot of fun.
Willow turns to look at Buffy with a huge smile on her face.
Buffy: Go ahead. You know you wanna say it.
Willow faces Amy again, grinning broadly.
Willow: My boyfriend’s in the band!
Amy: (smiles and laughs) Cool.
Willow looks back at Buffy.
Buffy: I think you’ve now told everybody.
Willow: Only in this hemisphere. (pulls on her pack)
Amy: (to Buffy) What about you?
Buffy: (waves her off) Oh, Valentine’s Day is just a cheap gimmick to
sell cards and chocolate.
Amy: Bad breakup, huh?
Buffy: Believe me when I say, ‘uh-huh’.
They all walk up to the teacher’s desk, and Buffy hands in her paper.
Mrs. Beakman: Thank you.
Buffy heads out of the room as Willow holds up her paper as well. Xander
is just making his way down the aisle behind Amy.
Mrs. Beakman: (to Willow) Thank you.
Willow follows Buffy out. Amy stands in front of Mrs. Beakman and stares
her down. There is a long silence as Amy concentrates on staring into
the teacher’s eyes. Xander, standing behind Amy, slowly loses his smile
as he sees what’s going on. A moment later Mrs. Beakman smiles at Amy
and gestures as though she’s accepting a paper from her.
Mrs. Beakman: Thank you, Amy.
Amy smiles and starts out of the classroom. Xander comes up to the desk
staring open-mouthed after Amy and hands his paper in also.

Cut to the stairs. Buffy and Willow come walking down. Amy hops down
past them with a big smile on her face and heads into the lounge.
Willow: I just hate to think of you solo on Valentine’s Day.
The two of them head down the hall. Xander reaches the bottom of the
stairs behind them and follows as he watches Amy go off in the other
direction.
Buffy: I’ll be fine. Mom and I are gonna have a pig-out and vid fest.
It’s a time-honored tradition among the loveless.
Xander: (catches up) Did you guys see that? (points at Amy)
Buffy: See what?
Xander: In class. I think Amy just worked some magic on Ms. Beakman.
Buffy: You mean like witchcraft?
Willow: You know, her mom’s a witch.
Buffy: And an amateur psycho. Amy’s the last person that should be
messing with that stuff.
Xander: Maybe I should go talk to her.
Giles sees them coming his way and calls out.
Giles: Buffy! (approaches them) Buffy… Might I have a word?
Buffy: Have a sentence, even.
Giles: (gets the joke) Oh. Good. Well, uh…
He happens to glance off into Jenny’s classroom as she’s talking to a
student by the door.
Jenny: (to the student) Back it up before you leave.
She steps into the hall and stops. She and Giles exchange looks with
each other. Buffy notices the exchange and looks down sadly. Jenny
shrugs and smiles thinly at Giles.
Jenny: Rupert.
Giles: Ms. Calendar. (looks down)
She glances down briefly and back up, then steps toward him.
Jenny: I’m glad we ran into each other, actually. I was hoping that we
could, uh… (gestures toward her room) Do you have a minute? (fidgets
with her hands)
Giles: Um… (making excuses) Actually, not, not just now. Um, (ahem)
I, uh, have a matter to discuss with, with Buffy.
Buffy: (calmly) Right. Let’s go.
She gives Jenny a quick glance and squeezes between her and Giles,
heading for the library. Xander and Willow watch in silence. Giles looks
up at Jenny for a moment, then slowly turns to follow Buffy. Jenny drops
her arms in despair, looks at Xander and Willow, and then starts down
the hall the other way.
Cut to the library. Buffy is sitting at the table hugging her knee while
Giles comes toward her slowly with his hands in his pockets.
Buffy: Are you okay?

Giles: (looks at her) Me? I-I-I’ll be fine. (scratches his nose, then
pockets his hand again) Um, I was more concerned about you, actually.
Uh, since Angel, um… uh… turned… (sits on the table and folds his
hands) I’ve, um, been reading up on, on his earlier activities. Y’know,
uh, feeding patterns a-and the like.
Buffy: And?
Giles: Around Valentine’s Day, he, he, he’s rather prone to, uh…
well, um, brutal displays of, uh… He would think of it as affection, I
suppose.
Buffy: Like what?
Giles: No, no, uh, (gets up) no need to go into details. (steps away)
Buffy: That bad?
Giles: (faces her) Suffice it to say I, I think it would be best if you
stayed off the streets for a few nights. I-I-I’ll, um… (sits across
from her) I’ll patrol and keep an eye on things. (Buffy stares off into
space) Better safe than sorry.
Buffy: (looks over at him) It’s a little late for both.
Dissolve to Spike’s warehouse. Drusilla opens a jewelry case, and inside
is a gold necklace with rubies set into an integrated pendant. The
camera pans up from it over to Spike in his wheelchair.
Spike: Fancy it, pet?
Drusilla: Ahhh. It’s beautiful. Mm.
Spike: Nothing but the best for my gir…
Angelus walks up to the table and sets down a human heart, fresh and
bloody. He smiles over at Spike, then down at Drusilla.
Angelus: Happy Valentine’s Day, Dru.
Drusilla: Oh… (holds her hands over it) Angel!
Angelus raises his eyebrows at Spike.
Drusilla: It’s still warm.
Spike closes his eyes and lets out a deep breath, then looks back up at
Angelus.
Angelus: I knew you’d like it. (inhales the aroma) I found it in a
quaint little shopgirl.
He sees the necklace, picks it up and holds it out to have a look at it.
Angelus: Cute. (reaches around Drusilla’s neck with it) Here.
She pulls her hair back and away so he can close the clasp behind her
neck. Spike wheels toward them, upset with Angelus’ forwardness.
Spike: I’ll get it.
Angelus: (looks up at Spike) Done. I know Dru gives you pity access,
but you have to admit it’s so much easier when I do things for her.
(smiles)
Spike: (controlling his anger) You would do well to worry less about
Dru (Angelus rolls his eyes) and more about that Slayer you’ve been
tramping around with.

Angelus: (paces behind the table) Dear Buffy. I’m still trying to
decide the best way to send my regards. (sits on the table)
Spike: Why don’t you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression.
Angelus: Lacks… poetry.
Spike: It doesn’t have to. (inhales and thinks) What rhymes with lungs?
Drusilla: Don’t worry, Spike. (looks back at Angelus) Angel always
knows… (looks at the heart) what speaks to a girl’s heart.
The camera pans down from her to the heart.
Cut to the Bronze for the Valentine’s Day dance. Oz and Devon’s band
Dingoes Ate My Baby (Four Star Mary) are playing “Pain”. Xander is at a
table with Willow, turning a jewelry box around in his hands. The camera
pans up to Willow watching the band play and bobbing her head to the
beat. It pulls back to show Xander staring off in another direction,
oblivious to the music. The camera focuses on the band as Devon sings.
Lyrics: Feeling I’ve been lost for years
Oz smiles over at Willow and then looks down at his guitar.
Lyrics: You can never understand me / Unless you’ve seen those tears /
But you never get to sleep
Willow looks up at Oz and smiles. Oz smiles back as he plays.
Lyrics: When I’m away / I don’t mind / The deeper…
Willow: (to Xander, smiling) Oz has his cool hair today.
Lyrics: …that you lay
Willow: (excited) I think I’m a groupie! (looks back at the band)
Lyrics: Out of time
Cut to Cordelia coming out of the restrooms.
Lyrics: Pain, I can’t sleep
She looks around and sees her friends.
Cordelia: (smiles) Oh, hey!
They all give her looks of disgust.
Lyrics: Pain, I can’t sleep
Harmony: Let’s get outta here.
Cordelia just stands there and watches them go.
Lyrics: Running…
Cut to Buffy’s house. She and her mother are lounging back on the couch
watching TV. The coffee table in front of them is full of plates of
cookies, cheese puffs and other snacks. Buffy has a bowl of popcorn in
her lap. They hear a knock at the door and look over in that direction.
Buffy looks back at her mom, exhales and hands her the popcorn.
Buffy: Here.
Joyce starts to munch on it. Buffy gets up to answer the door. Cut to
outside. The camera pans over to the door as Buffy opens it and looks
out. She is puzzled when there’s no one there. She looks further out and
in both directions. She shrugs with her eyes, goes back inside and

closes the door. When she steps back into the living room her mother is
gone. She looks back behind her, through the foyer and into the dining
room beyond. Joyce is nowhere to be seen.
Buffy: (concerned) Mom?
She walks through the dining room and into the kitchen.
Buffy: Mom?
She walks around the island, looking around all the while, then quickly
out the window when she hears a noise, but sees nothing and continues
toward the kitchen door. She looks back into the dining room. When she
reaches the kitchen door she is startled by her mother coming back in
from outside and gasps.
Joyce: Buffy, it’s me.
Buffy: Yeah. You just startled me a little.
Joyce: I was just checking the back door. (closes the door) Somebody,
um, left these for you.
She sets a long black box with a black bow on the island for Buffy to
see. She looks up at her mother and raises her eyebrows for an instant
before lifting the lid off the box. Joyce looks down, curious to see
what’s in it. Buffy stares down at it and sees a dozen red roses along
with a card bearing a single word: Soon. Her mother looks up at her with
a little smile, but it fades when she sees how Buffy is just staring
down at the card without saying a word or reacting in any way.
Cut to the Bronze. The band continues playing.
Lyrics: Pain, I can’t sleep / Pain, I can’t sleep
Xander looks around and spots Cordelia sitting alone at a table.
Lyrics: Pain, I can’t sleep
He slowly gets to his feet and walks over to her. She notices him
coming, looks at him and stands up to meet him. The song is over now.
Xander: Hey.
Cordelia: (looks him up and down) Your clothes… You look so good.
Xander: (looks down at himself) Oh. I let Buffy dress me. (gets a
confused look from Cordelia) Well, not physically.
Cordelia: (upset) Perfect. You had to make this harder, didn’t you?
Xander: Okay, clearly the fact that I please you visually has got us
off on the wrong foot here.
Cordelia: Xander…
Xander: (stops her with a gesture) Let me finish. I’ve been thinking a
lot about us lately… the why and the wherefore. You know, once, twice,
a kissy here, a kissy there. And you can chalk it all up to hormones.
(Cordelia looks puzzled) A-and maybe that’s all we have here. Tawdry
teen lust. But maybe not. Maybe something in you sees something special
inside me. (Cordelia looks down, then back up) And vice versa. I mean, I
think I do. See something. So…
He pulls out the jewelry box and hands it to her. She takes it and looks
up at him.
Cordelia: Xander… (opens the box) Thank you. (holds up the necklace
and pendant) It’s beautiful. (exhales and looks at him) I wanna break
up.

Xander: (looks at her in disbelief) Okay, not quite the reaction I was
looking for.
Cordelia: (shaking her head) I know. I’m sorry. It’s just… Who are we
kidding? (Xander looks down at the necklace) Even if parts of us do see
specialness, we don’t fit.
Xander: (looks up suddenly) Yeah! Okay… (very upset) Do you know
what’s a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine’s
Day! I mean, what, were you running low on dramatic irony?
Cordelia: (apologetically) I know. I didn’t mean to do it this way.
I…
Xander: (interrupts) Well, you did.
Cordelia gives him a sorry look. Xander stares back for a moment, then
turns and goes away. Cordelia looks down at the pendant.
Cut to the halls at school the next day. Xander comes moping around the
corner. A boy passes him in the halls.
Jack: Dude. (pats Xander’s shoulder) Way to get dumped.
He continues down the hall, and Xander does the same. He looks up and
sees Buffy coming the other way.
Xander: Ooo, Buffy, my bud, (takes her hand and stops her) you will not
believe…
Buffy: (looks at him) Can’t talk right now. Angel.
Xander: (lets go of her hand) Do you need help?
Buffy: It’s alright.
She quickly resumes her rapid trek to the library. Xander watches her
go, then continues down the hall. A group of girls passes around him,
staring and giggling at him. He exhales and watches them go. A few steps
further along he hears Harmony address him, and looks over at her.
Harmony: Gee, Xander, maybe you should learn a second language so that
even more girls can reject you.
She and the other girls around her laugh to his face. Xander just keeps
moping along. A moment later he notices Amy heading toward the stairs in
front of him. He looks back for an instant and then rushes over to her,
takes her by the arm and pulls her aside.
Amy: What are you doing?
Xander: Amy. Good to see you. (takes a quick look around) You’re a
witch.
Amy: (glances around) No, I’m not. That, that was my mom, remember?
(smiles)
Xander: Yeah, I’m thinking it runs in the family. I saw you working
that mojo on Ms. Beakman. (gestures behind himself) Maybe I should go
tell somebody about…
Amy: That’s not even… (angrily) That is so mean!
Xander: (glares back) Blackmail is such an ugly word.
Amy: I didn’t say blackmail.
Xander: Yeah, but I’m about to blackmail you, so I thought I’d bring it
up.

Amy: (folds her arms) What do you want?
Xander: (chuckles) What do I want? I want some respect around here. I
want, for once, to come out ahead. I want the Hellmouth to be working
for me. You and me, Amy… (looks back at Cordelia sitting with Harmony
now) we’re gonna cast a little spell.
Amy looks past him at Cordelia as well, then turns her eyes up at him.
~~ Part 2 ~~
An empty classroom. Xander closes the door behind himself as he follows
Amy in.
Amy: A love spell?
Xander: Yeah. You know, just the basic can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t
breathe anything but little old moi.
Amy: Well, that kind of thing is the hardest! I mean, to make someone
love you for all eternity?
Xander: (waves his hand and shakes his head) Whoa! Whoa, back up. Who
said anything about eternity? A man can only talk self-tanning lotion
for so long before his head explodes.
Amy: Well, then I don’t get it. If you don’t wanna be with her forever,
then what’s the point?
Xander: The point is I want her to want me. Desperately. So I can break
up with her and subject her to the same hell she’s been puttin’ me
through.
Amy: (turns and steps away) Oh, I don’t know, Xander. (turns back)
Intent has to be pure with love spells.
Xander: Right. I intend revenge. Pure as the driven snow. Now, are you
gonna play, or do we need to have another chat about invisible homework?
Amy: (considers) I’ll need something of hers. (steps closer) A personal
object.
Xander: Alright. (smiles and leaves the room)
Cut to the library. Giles is at the table studying a book. Buffy comes
striding in and up to the table. She slaps the card that came with the
roses into the book in front of him. Giles startles a bit and looks up.
Buffy: ‘Soon’ what, Giles? You never held out on me until the big, bad
thing in the dark became my ex-honey.
Giles: (looks at the card) Where did this come from?
Buffy: He said it with flowers. Look, this isn’t the time to start
becoming Mr. Protective Guy. I can’t just hang around, and I can’t
prepare when I don’t know what’s coming.
Giles: (sits up in his chair) N-no, of-of course, you’re right.
(gestures to another chair) Uh, s-s-sit, sit down. (stands up)
Cut to the hall. Xander sees Cordelia coming and waits for her. She
spots him, pivots around and hurries the other way. Xander does a fast
walk to catch up and passes her, then spins around to stop her in her
tracks.
Xander: Oh, come on, don’t flatter yourself. I’m not gonna make a big
scene. I just want the necklace back.
Cordelia: (in disbelief) What? I thought it was a gift.

Xander: No. Last night it was a gift. Today it’s scrap metal. Figure I
can melt it down and sell it for fillings or something.
Cordelia: You’re pathetic!
Xander: Come on, I’m not gonna add to the Cordelia Chase castoff
collection.
Cordelia: (glares at him) It’s in my locker.
Xander: (points to her locker with his eyes) I can wait.
She gives him another look, then goes over to her locker. Xander steps
to the side of the hall and leans against the lockers about ten feet
from her. He watches the people passing by as she works her combination.
She opens the locker and sets down a book. She glances over at him to
see if he’s looking. Satisfied that he’s not paying close attention she
leans in behind the door, exhales, reaches under the collar of her
blouse and pulls the necklace and pendant out. Xander just keeps looking
around the hall. She undoes the clasp, takes it off and lets out a deep
breath. She closes her locker, steps over to him and hands him the
necklace.
Cordelia: Here. It’s a good thing we broke up. Now I don’t have to
pretend I like it.
Xander just gives her a look and leaves.
Cut to the school that night. Cut to the science lab. Xander is holding
a candle and sitting bare-chested and cross-legged on the floor inside a
large red symbol for woman painted on the floor. Three red vertical
stripes are painted on his chest. Amy is at a lab table where she’s
waving the locket over her witch’s brew, which is boiling in a beaker
over a Bunsen burner.
Amy: Diana… goddess of love and the hunt… I pray to thee. Let my
cries bind the heart of Xander’s beloved. (lowers the necklace into the
brew) May she neither rest nor sleep (the brew sparks) until she submits
to his will only.
The flame of the burner becomes huge as the power of the spell emanates
from the beaker and swirls above it and between her hands.
Amy: Diana, bring about this love and bless it.
The swirls of energy begin to return to the beaker and disappear.
Amy: (to Xander) Blow out the candle now!
The spell’s power has dissipated. Xander blows out the candle and the
screen goes black.
Cut to the school the next morning. Cut to the hall outside the lounge.
Xander sees Cordelia and her friends sitting at a table and goes over to
them with confidence. He rests one hand on the table and leans over it
next to Cordelia, looking around at all the girls and giving them a
smile. Cordelia looks up at him.
Cordelia: What?
Xander: (confidently) Morning, ladies. (to Cordelia) Some kind of
weather we’ve been having, huh?
Cordelia: What do you want? You can’t be sniffing around for more
jewelry to melt, because all you ever gave me was that Smallmart-looking
thing. (looks back down at her notebook)
Xander: (chuckles and leans in to Cordelia) Is this love? ‘Cause maybe
on you it doesn’t look that different.

Cordelia: (pushes him away) What are you doing? Are you going, like,
stalker-boy on me now?
Xander: (confused) Sorry. My mistake.
Cordelia: Yeah, I should say so.
He walks away. She looks at the other girls at the table.
Cordelia: What is his deal?
Cut to the library. Giles is sitting on the table looking through a
book. Buffy is sitting in a chair across from him.
Giles: Look, here’s another. Here. Um, ‘Valentine’s Day.’ Yes, uh…
‘Angel nails a puppy to the…’
Buffy: (interrupts) Skip it.
Giles: Uh, but it…
Buffy: I don’t wanna know. I don’t have a puppy. Skip it.
Giles: (closes the book) Right you are. I’ll get another batch.
He gets off of the table and heads into his office. Xander walks in and
up to the table.
Xander: I have a plan: we use me as bait.
Buffy: You mean make Angel come after you?
Xander: No, I mean chop me into little pieces and stick me on hooks for
fish to nibble at ’cause it would be more fun than my life.
Buffy: Yeah. (gets up) I heard about you and Cordy. That’s her loss.
(leans on the table)
Xander: Yeah. Not really the popular theory.
Buffy: (looks up at him) You know what I’d like? Why don’t you and I do
something together tonight? Just the two of us.
Xander: (does a double take) Really?
Buffy: Yeah. We can comfort each other.
Xander: Well, would lap dancing enter into that scenario at all? ‘Cause
I find that very comforting. (grins)
She stands up, stares into his eyes and takes a step closer to him.
Buffy: (smiles) Play your cards right…
Xander: (stops her with his hand) Okay, uh… You do know that I’m
Xander, right?
Buffy: (looks down) I don’t know, I just… (looks up) heard that you
and Cordy broke up, and I guess I was just surprised how glad I was.
(plays with his shirt) It’s funny… (leans into him) how you can see
someone every day but not really see them. You know?
Xander: (smiles and chuckles nervously) Yeah, it’s funny. And it’s just
gettin’ funnier.
She puts her finger to his lips to quiet him and slowly leans toward him
for a kiss. Behind them Amy walks into the library.
Amy: Xander, can I talk to you for a minute?

Buffy pulls back slightly. Xander looks at Amy, back at Buffy, then at
Amy again.
Xander: Yeah, okay.
Cut to the hall outside the library. Amy comes out with Xander right
behind her. He makes sure the door is closed, looks in through the
window at Buffy for a second, and then gives his attention to Amy.
Amy: Xander.
Xander: Yeah.
Amy: I don’t think the spell worked out right.
Xander: Oh, yeah, it bombed. No biggie. (grins)
Amy: Well, we can always try again.
He looks back through the window and sees Buffy looking out at him.
Amy: I am still pretty new at this.
Xander: Oh, no, no, no. It’s okay. You know what? It was wrong to
meddle with the forces of darkness. I see that now. (Amy smiles at him)
I think we’ve all grown. I gotta go. (moves to go back in)
Amy: (stops him with her hand) Oh, we don’t have to cast any spells.
He sees Buffy staring out at him with her finger between her lips.
Amy: We can just… hang out.
Xander: Sure. (looks at Amy) What?
Amy: (smiles) Well, I liked spending time with you. You’re so sweet.
You know, it’s funny how you can… you can see a person every day
and…
He starts to realize what’s going on.
Xander: Not really see them.
He looks in at Buffy again. She’s still staring out at him, playing with
her hair between her lips.
Amy: Exactly. So, anyway, I thought it might…
Another girl approaches them in the hall.
Cordette: Hi, Xander.
Xander: What?
Cordette: You’re in Mr. Baird’s history class, right?
Xander: Yeah.
Cordette: I thought maybe we could study together tonight.
Amy: (interrupts) Do you mind? We were talking.
The two girls glare at each other. Xander begins to worry.
Xander: Uh, I really gotta go. Right now.
He heads down the hall away from them. They both just watch him go.
Cut to Xander’s room at home. He barges in and slams the door behind

him. He calms down a bit, takes the few steps over to his bed and sits
on it. Behind him Willow sits up from under the covers wearing one of
his shirts and touches him on the back. Xander jumps up in surprise and
stares at her in shock.
Willow: Sorry. I wanted to surprise you.
Xander: (grins nervously) Good job! High marks.
Willow: Don’t be so jumpy. I’ve been in your bed before.
Xander: Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas.
Willow: Xand, I’ve been thinking.
Xander: Will, I, I think I know what you’ve been thinking. But this is
all my fault. I cast a spell, and it sort of backfired.
Willow: (rubs the sheets) How long have we been friends?
Xander: (very nervous) A long, long time. Too long to do anything that
might change that now.
Willow: (moves to the edge of the bed) Well, friendships change all the
time. People grow apart. They grow closer. (smiles up at him)
Xander: Uh, this is good! How close we are now. I feel very comfortable
with this amount of closeness. In fact, (points behind himself) I can
even back up a few paces and still be happy. (steps back) See? (smiles,
still nervous)
She gets up from the bed and approaches him. His shirt is the only thing
she’s wearing.
Willow: I want you, Xander… (smiles) to be my first!
Xander: (extremely nervous) Baseman. Please tell me we’re talking
baseball.
He starts to back up when she reaches him. She puts her hands up against
his chest.
Willow: Shhh.
He backs into the door. She rubs her hands up and down his chest.
Willow: We both know it’s right. (leans into him for a kiss)
Xander: (backs his head away) It’s not that I don’t find you sexy.
Willow: (leans away to look at him) Is it Oz? (shakes her head) Don’t
worry about him. He’s sweet, but… he’s not you. (rubs his chest more)
Xander: Yes, he is. And you should go to him. ‘Cause he’s me. (grins)
She leans up to the side of his face and starts to suck on his earlobe.
Xander is sweating bullets now, having no idea how to handle this.
Xander: I-I don’t wanna use force.
She lets go of his ear and leans back to face him again with a wide
smile on her face.
Willow: Mm. Force is okay!
She tries for his ear again, but he takes her by the arms and pushes her
away. She stares at him in confusion.
Xander: Th-that’s it! This has gotta stop. It’s time for me to act like
a man. (opens the door behind him) And hide. (rushes out)

Cut to the hall at school. Cordelia comes in at the far end and walks up
to her friends standing there in a huddle. They all cross their arms and
face her when she arrives.
Cordelia: Ha. Very funny. What did I do now, wear red and purple
together?
Harmony: You know what you did. Xander is wounded because of you.
They all walk past her in disgust. She turns around, and they face her
when she speaks.
Cordelia: Are you tripping? I thought you wanted me to break up with
him!
Harmony: Only a sick pup would let Xander get away, no matter what her
friends said.
They all give her a huff and leave.
Cordelia: What does it take to make you people happy?
Cut to a pair of doors in the halls. The camera is at a low angle for a
shot of Xander’s shoes as he pushes open the doors and walks into the
hall in slow motion to the tune of “Got the Love” by The Average White
Band.
Lyrics: Hey, yeah / Got the love, got the love
Cut to Xander staring at all the girls looking at him with love in their
eyes, some giggling, some giving him sexy looks, some just watching him
walk.
Lyrics: Mm, yeah / Got the love, got the love
He looks over at the other side of the hall, and it’s more of the same.
Lyrics: Got the love, got the love / Sugar baby / Got the love, got the
love
Xander keeps walking up the hall. The guys are clearly not happy that he
has the attention of all the girls.
Lyrics: Oh, now, babe, you’ve been gone such a long time
Behind him the girls start to gather and follow.
Lyrics: Been thinkin’ ’bout what it is we got
Several girls cross in front of him and check him out.
Lyrics: Not all the time in the world / Whoo! / But got a lot
Xander looks around in disbelief.
Lyrics: Now, there’s much more than a ghost of a chance
More girls stare at him walking by, and he gets looks and shakes of
heads from the guys.
Lyrics: We can make it right this time
A group of four girls starts to tail him down the hall.
Lyrics: ‘Cause you’ve got to stay mine
Cut to the library. Xander comes in, closes the door behind him and
checks to see if any of the girls are following him in.

Lyrics: Yeah, I got the love / Got the love, got the love
Satisfied he has no stalkers, he heads into the library to find Giles as
the music fades out.
Lyrics: We got to make it work / Got the love, got the love
Giles: (comes down the stairs) Xander. (looks at him) What is it? (sets
his books down)
Xander: It, it’s me… throwing myself at your mercy.
Giles: What? Why? (takes off his glasses to clean them)
Xander: I made a mess, Giles. See, I found out that Amy’s into
witchcraft, and I was hurt, I guess, so I… made her put the love
whammy on Cordy, but it backfired, and now every woman in Sunnydale
wants to make me her cuddle monkey, which may sound swell on paper,
but…
Jenny comes into the library behind them and strides up to Giles.
Jenny: Rupert, we need to talk. Hey, Xander. Nice shirt. (rubs his
shirt) Look, Rupert, I know that you’re angry at me, and I don’t blame
you, but I am not just gonna go away. (keeps rubbing Xander’s arm) I
mean, I care far too much about you to… (looks at Xander’s arm) Have
you been working out?
Xander gives Giles a ‘see what I mean?’ look. Giles grabs Jenny by the
arms and pulls her away and behind him.
Jenny: Oh!
She stares at Xander with a look of desire in her eyes. Giles looks at
her, at Xander, back at her, and finally back at Xander.
Giles: I cannot believe that you are fool enough to do something like
this!
Xander: Oh, no, I’m twice the fool it takes to do something like this.
Jenny keeps staring at him while she plays with her necklace.
Giles: Has, uh… Has Amy tried to reverse the spell?
Xander: I get around Amy and all she wants to do is talk honeymoon
plans.
Jenny: (steps toward Xander) Rupert, maybe I need to talk to Xander
alone.
Giles: (pushes her back) Do you have any idea how serious this is?
People under a-a love spell, Xander, are-are deadly. They lose all
capacity for reason.
He looks at Jenny who has begun rubbing her hands over her face and
neck, then down her body.
Giles: (to Xander) And if what you say is true and the entire female
population is affected, I… (sternly) Don’t leave the library. (Jenny
keeps staring) I’ll find Amy and see if we can put a stop to this thing.
He starts to leave the library. Jenny rubs her fingers together, alone
at last with Xander, and sashays up to him. He steps back away from her.
Giles walks back up to them, takes Jenny by the hand and pulls her out
of the library behind him. Jenny moans and reaches her arm out to Xander
as Giles drags her off.
Jenny: No!

Xander realizes he’s finally alone without any girls around, and quickly
moves to push the mobile card catalog in front of the doors in an
attempt to keep it that way. As he heads back toward the table Buffy
pulls the door out and open and steps in wearing only a short black
raincoat that reaches barely down to mid-thigh and black high heels.
When Xander hears the door swing shut and smack the card catalog behind
him he spins around and stares at Buffy in shock. She is standing there
with one hand on the catalog and the other propped up on top of the
theft detector and smiles at him as she raises her right ankle and rubs
it against her left calf.
Buffy: Alone at last.
Xander: (stares open-mouthed) Buff, give me a heart attack!
Buffy: Oh, (starts a sexy walk toward him) I’m gonna give you more than
that. (grabs her raincoat belt to untie it)
Xander: (backs away, gesturing with his hands) Buff, for the love of
God, don’t open that raincoat.
Buffy: Come on! It’s a party! Aren’t you gonna open your present?
(undoes a button)
Xander: (keeps backing toward the stairs nervously) It’s not that I
don’t want to. Sometimes the remote impossible possibility that you
might like me was all that sustained me. But not now. (trips and falls
backward onto the stairs) Not like this. This isn’t real to you. (Buffy
steps up and puts her leg over him) You’re only here because of a spell.
(gets a confused stare from her) I mean, if I thought you had one clue
what it would mean to me… (shakes his head) But you don’t. So I can’t.
Buffy: (starts to get upset) So you’re saying this is all a game?
Xander: A game? I… No!
Buffy: (angry) You make me feel this way, and then you reject me? What
am I, a toy?
Xander: Buffy, please calm down.
Buffy: I’ll calm down when you explain yourself!
Amy: (appears behind them) Get away from him. (Buffy turns to her) He’s
mine.
Buffy: (steps toward Amy) Oh, I don’t think so. (looks back at him)
Xander, tell her.
Xander: What? I, uh…
Amy: He doesn’t have to say. (Buffy looks back at her) I know what his
heart wants.
Buffy: Funny, I know what your face wants.
She swings and punches Amy in the face. She falls to the floor. Buffy
confronts Xander.
Buffy: What is this, you’re two-timing me?
Xander doesn’t know what to say. Amy gets up. Her nose is bloody and her
eyes have become pitch-black. She begins to weave a spell with her
hands.
Amy: Goddess Hecate, work thy will.
Xander: Uh-oh.
The spell’s energy swirls around her.

Amy: Before thee let the unclean thing crawl!
She thrusts her arms out at Buffy, and the power of the spell leaps from
her hands and envelops the Slayer. The energy soon dissipates.
Xander: Buffy! (stares in utter disbelief) Oh, my God!
~~ Part 3 ~~
The library. Xander looks down at Buffy’s empty raincoat lying on the
floor, then back up at Amy. Giles comes back into the library with
Jenny.
Giles: What, what just happened?
Xander: (indicates the raincoat) Buffy.
Jenny smiles broadly when she sees Xander and tries to go to him, but
Giles holds her back.
Giles: Where is she?
They both look down at the raincoat. Cut to a shot of a sleeve. Buffy
has been turned into a rat, and she comes crawling out.
Giles: Oh, my God!
Amy: (steps over to Xander) Why is she here? (gestures at Jenny)
Xander: Can you focus for a minute? You just turned Buffy into a rat.
Buffy starts to scamper across the floor. Giles follows her with his
gaze.
Amy: (to Xander) Buffy can take care of herself. (takes his arm) Why
don’t we go someplace private?
Jenny puts her hands on her hips and gives Amy a haughty look. Giles
looks around for where Buffy went.
Xander: (jerks his arm away) Can you… I’m not going anywhere until
you change her back.
Jenny: (steps over to Amy) You heard him. So why don’t you undo your
little magic trick and get lost?
Amy: Who made you Queen of the World? Well, you’re old enough to be.
Jenny: Well, what can I say? (grabs Xander by the shirt) I guess
Xander’s just too much man (pulls him closer) for the pimple squad.
Amy puts her arm between them and pushes Xander away from Jenny. She
waves her hands before her and begins to cast another spell. Her eyes
turn pitch-black, and energy begins to swirl around her as she speaks.
Amy: Goddess Hecate, to you I pray, with this…
Xander: (puts his hand over Amy’s mouth) Would you quit with the
Hecate?! (pulls her back and away)
Cut to the halls. Cordelia is at her locker and closes it. She starts
down the hall, but runs into Harmony and friends waiting to confront
her.
Cordelia: Okay, what now? You don’t like my locker combination?
Harmony: (hands on her hips) It’s just not right. You never loved him.
You just used him. You make me sick.

Cordelia: (sarcastically) Okay, Harmony, if you need to borrow my
Midol, just ask.
Harmony slaps Cordelia across the face. She holds her hand to her face
and looks at Harmony in surprise. She turns to go the other way, but
Cordette blocks her way and pushes her up against the lockers. Then she
and another girl pull her away from the wall and shove her down to the
floor.
Cut to the library. Giles has had enough and talks sternly to Amy and
Jenny.
Giles: You two, sit. (Amy goes to the table) And be quiet. (Jenny joins
her) We have to catch the Buffy rat. (takes off his coat)
Xander: (spots Buffy) Ooo, there!
Buffy squeezes behind a bookcase as he rushes to try to catch her. Amy
and Jenny sit down at the table across from one another, each staring at
the other. Xander is too late to get Buffy, but he sees her crawl along
the space behind the case toward the other end. He quickly crawls along
the front of the case to head her off. Giles watches at the end that
Xander just left. Xander peeks around the other end of the bookcase to
wait for Buffy to come out.
Xander: Good Buffy. Just…
He sees someone come up next to him and looks up. There he sees Oz
standing over him, and the next thing he knows Oz has punched him in the
face. He stumbles backward into the shelves. Giles is startled and looks
up as well. Oz shakes out his hand. Buffy makes her escape from behind
the bookcase and goes out of the library doors into the hall.
Oz: (still shaking his hand) That kinda hurt.
Xander: (rubbing his cheek) Kinda?! What was that for?
Oz: I was on the phone all night, listening to Willow cry about you.
Now, I don’t know exactly what happened, but I was left with a very
strong urge to… hit you. (offers his hand to help Xander up)
Xander: (takes Oz’s hand and gets up) I didn’t touch her. I swear.
Giles: (upset) Xander! Where’s Buffy? (starts looking again)
Xander: (to Oz) Amy turned her into a rat.
Oz: (looks around) Oh.
Giles and Xander get on their knees and look around while making
squeaking noises. Oz crouches down to look as well.
Giles: I don’t see her. If anything happens to her, I’ll… (looks at
Xander in disgust) Oh, just go home. (stands up) Lock yourself away.
You’re only going to cause more problems here. Now, Amy, Jenny and I
will, uh… try and break the spell. (the women stand up) Oz, if, if you
could aid us in, in finding, um… Buffy.
Oz: Sure. Absolutely.
Xander starts to say something, but Giles cuts him off before he can
even get out a word, doing his best to control his anger.
Giles: Just go. Get out of my sight.
Xander doesn’t take it very well and stares at Giles for a moment with
his mouth agape, but then goes with his head hung low. Oz crouches back
down to look for Buffy.
Oz: Buffy…

Cut to the hall. Xander comes out of the library, still looking down,
when he hears Cordelia cry out and looks down the hall toward her voice.
Cordelia: What are you doing?! You guys are crazy!
He sees a group of girls apparently involved in a catfight.
Harmony: You thought you could do better, is that it?
Cordelia: No, I…
Cordette: We’ll knock that snotty attitude right out of you!
The crowd of girls opens a bit, and Xander sees that it is indeed
Cordelia that they are attacking. He starts running toward them, and
when they see him coming several of them break off and come at him,
screaming and shouting. In their lust they try to grab him as the others
push Cordelia to the floor. He fights his way through them and over to
Cordelia, where one girl has begun pulling at her hair.
Cordelia: Ow! Stop!
When he reaches her, he pushes the hair-pulling girl aside, picks up
Cordelia from the floor into his arms and shakes the girls off as he
runs from the hall. They all chase after him.
Cut to the library. Jenny paces while Giles sits at the table and goes
through some books. Amy, seated opposite him, wipes the blood from her
nose.
Giles: You must have botched the ritual so that Cordelia’s necklace
actually protected her from the spell. Th-th-that one should be easily
reversible. W-w-where did you learn animal transformation?
Amy: (looks up at Giles) Why did you send Xander away? (Giles puts his
hands to his eyes in despair) He needs me.
Jenny: (chortles) That’s a laugh.
Amy: (to Jenny) He loves me. We look into each other’s souls.
Jenny: No one can love two people at once. What we have is real.
Giles: Instead of making me ill, why doesn’t one of you try to help me?
Amy: (looks back into her pocket mirror) You have no idea what I’m
going through.
Giles: (gets up) (to Amy, sternly) I know it’s not love. It’s
obsession. Selfish, banal obsession. (Jenny starts out of the library)
Now, Xander has put himself in very great danger. If you cared at all
about him, you’d help me save him, rather than wittering on about your
feelings.
Amy looks away from him. Jenny goes out the door. Giles pokes his
fingers into the book in front of Amy.
Giles: Now, let’s get on with some work. (turns to Jenny) Now, Jenny…
(sees she’s gone) Great!
Cut to an exit from the halls to outside. Xander and Cordelia come
running out.
Xander: I think we… (sees a crowd of girls waiting for them) lost
’em.
Willow is at the front of the crowd holding a large fire ax.
Willow: I should’ve known I’d find you with her.

Xander: Will… Come on, you don’t wanna hurt me.
Willow: Oh, no? You don’t know how hard this is for me. I love you so
much! I’d rather see you dead than with that bitch.
She raises the ax and advances toward him. The others start toward him
as well. Harmony and her friends come running out of the hall now, too,
and confront the crowd. The girls all scream and yell as they fight.
Harmony grabs Willow’s ax and wrestles her for it.
Harmony: Get away from him! He’s mine!
As the girls all fight Xander and Cordelia make their escape. When the
girls realize they’ve gone they start to give chase.
Cut to the school basement door standing ajar. Buffy scampers in and
hops down each step. She makes her way over to the boiler room. Oz has
managed to track her and comes down the steps behind her with a
flashlight. When he reaches the bottom of the steps he scans around,
looking for where she went. Buffy goes into the boiler room, and Oz soon
follows. A cat sees Buffy and meows meanly at her. Buffy squeaks and
runs off. The cat chases after her.
Cut to Buffy’s street. Xander and Cordelia come running down it and slow
to a walk.
Xander: Okay, now I really think we’ve lost them.
Cordelia: Damn it, Xander, what’s going on? Who died and made you
Elvis?
Xander: (sees the house) Buffy’s house. Let’s get inside. I’ll explain
later.
They run up to the door and Xander knocks fast and loud, looking back to
see if the crowd of girls has found them yet. Cordelia joins in the
knocking.
Cordelia: (frantic) Come on!
Joyce: (opens the door) Xander, Cordelia, what…
They push their way in past her.
Cordelia: Yeah, hi.
She slams the door shut behind her, and she and Xander look out the
small windows in the door to make sure there’s still no one following
them.
Cut inside the kitchen. Xander walks in with Joyce and Cordelia close
behind.
Joyce: What happened? Why are you all scratched up? Where’s Buffy?
Xander: She’s, um… around.
Joyce: (gestures to a stool) Well, sit down and tell me about it.
(Xander sits) (to Cordelia) Why don’t you run upstairs and grab some
bandages out of the bathroom?
Cordelia goes down the hall toward the stairs. Joyce looks at Xander
again.
Joyce: Let me, uh, get you something to drink. You in the mood for cold
or hot?
Xander: I, uh… (shrugs with his hands)

Joyce: (walks around behind him) I think it’s (starts rubbing his
shoulders) more of a hot night, don’t you? (leans in and giggles)
Xander: (drops his head to the table) Whatever.
Joyce: (massages his shoulders) Ooo, you are so tense. (kisses his
neck) Mm.
Cordelia: (comes back) What are you doing? Make me yak!
Joyce: (defensive) Cordelia, go back upstairs. This is between us.
Cordelia: Gross! I think not.
She grabs Joyce by the arm and pushes her back toward the door and opens
it.
Joyce: What are you doing? Hey! Get your hands off me!
Cordelia pushes her out of the door, slams it shut and locks it.
Cordelia: And keep your mom-aged mitts off my boyfriend. Former! (to
Xander) Why has everyone gone insane?
Xander: Insane? Is it so impossible for you to believe that other women
find me attractive?
Cordelia: The only way you could get girls to want you would be
witchcraft.
Xander: That is such a… (concedes) Well, yeah, okay, good point.
Joyce breaks one of the kitchen door windowpanes.
Cordelia: Oh, my God!
Joyce reaches in and feels around for the lock.
Joyce: Xander, honey, let Joycie in. Hon, let Joycie in!
Xander gets up, takes hold of Cordelia and leads her out of the kitchen
at a run.
Xander: Upstairs! Buffy’s room!
Joyce: (finds and works the lock) Sweetheart…
Cut to Buffy’s room. They run in, and Cordelia slams the door shut.
Xander goes to the window and checks outside.
Xander: Good. The mob still hasn’t found us. We should be safer up
here.
Just as he looks back from the window Angelus grabs him from outside.
Angelus: Works in theory.
He pulls Xander out onto the roof.
Cordelia: (terrified) Xander!
~~ Part 4 ~~
The boiler room at school. The cat has apparently gone or been chased
away. Buffy crawls around, trying to find the source of a scent. The
camera pans behind some crates over to a trap baited with cheese.
Cut to the roof outside of Buffy’s window. Angelus grabs Xander by the
shirt.

Angelus: Where’s Buffy?!
Cordelia comes up to the window and looks out at them.
Xander: Cordy, get outta here!
Angelus throws him off of the roof to the lawn below. He leaps down
after him and stands over him.
Angelus: Perfect. (grabs Xander and pulls him up) I wanted to do
something special for Buffy, actually to Buffy, but this is so much
better!
Xander knees him in the crotch, but Angelus isn’t fazed. He flips Xander
over backward onto the grass again. He bends down, grabs Xander’s hair
and lifts his head up.
Angelus: If it’s any consolation, I feel very close to you right now.
A hand grabs Angelus by the shoulder, pulls him up and throws him aside
into a tree. He hits it hard and slides down to the ground. Xander jumps
to a conclusion and looks up at his savior.
Xander: Buffy, how…
Drusilla: Don’t fret, kitten. (helps him up) Mummy’s here.
Angelus: I don’t know what you’re up to, Dru, but it doesn’t amuse!
She growls at Angelus and he growls back.
Drusilla: If you harm one hair on this boy’s head… (strokes his hair)
Angelus: You’ve gotta be kidding. Him?
Drusilla: Just because I finally found a real man… (turns Xander to
face her)
Angelus: I guess I really did drive you crazy. (backs away)
Drusilla: (runs her fingers over Xander’s lips) Your face is a poem.
(moans) I can read it.
Xander: (terrified) Really? It doesn’t say ‘spare me’ by any chance?
Drusilla: Shhh. (kisses him) How do you feel about eternal life?
Xander: (trembles with fear) We couldn’t just start with a coffee? A
movie, maybe?
She grabs his hair and jerks his head to the side, exposing his neck.
She moves in to bite him, but gets distracted by the screams of the mob
of women running at them. Willow leads them with her ax. Jenny and the
rest are right behind. Some of the others have weapons as well.
Girl: There he is! Get them!
Jenny: He’s mine! Get off!
Drusilla lets go of Xander. Willow shoves her aside. Jenny jumps onto
Xander and knocks him to the ground. All the girls are screaming.
Several of them including Harmony begin to paw at him. Willow stands
over him with her ax. Cordelia comes out of the house and rushes toward
the mob. Xander gets pinned down, and Willow raises her ax to strike.
Willow: All you had to do was love me!
Cordelia: No!
She grabs the ax and shoves Willow over and onto the ground, then tries

to free Xander.
Cordelia: Get out of the way! Move it! Get off him!
She pushes the one that has him pinned down off of him, grabs his hand
and pulls him up.
Cordelia: Back off!
She pushes him ahead of her, and they start to run back to the house.
They just manage to slam the door in the faces of their pursuers. Cut to
outside the door to the kitchen. Drusilla hits it with both hands, and
it goes crashing to the floor. Two girls rush in beside her.
Girl: I love you!
When Drusilla tries to follow an unseen force prevents from entering the
house. Angelus watches from behind her.
Angelus: Ahh! Sorry, Dru. (she turns to face him) I guess you’re not
invited.
Cut to Xander and Cordy inside the front door. Joyce comes up behind
them holding a large knife.
Joyce: It’s never gonna work for us, Xander. We have to end it.
The other two girls come up behind her. Cordelia yells out in fright as
Xander pulls her away from the door. Cut inside the basement. Xander and
Cordelia rush in. He pulls the door closed behind him and hooks it shut.
Cut to the boiler room. Oz continues scanning with his flashlight.
Oz: Here, Buffy.
Cut to the trap. The camera pans up from it over to a pile of rags.
Buffy climbs over the pile and heads for the trap.
Cut to the science lab. Giles and Amy have a beaker of brew going over a
Bunsen burner. Giles checks everything and is satisfied.
Giles: Right. (to Amy) Go on. You first.
Cut to the basement at Buffy’s house. The door is being yanked at
violently. Xander has hammered a couple of boards across the doorframe
and looks back at Cordelia.
Xander: Gimme a nail!
She hands him a nail and he goes back to hammering.
Cordelia: If we die in here I’m gonna kick your ass! I mean it!
Xander: (looks back at her) None of this would’ve happened if you
hadn’t broken up with me. But no, you’re so desperate to be popular!
(hammers)
Cordelia: Me? I’m not the one who embraced the black arts just to get
the girls to like me. Well, congratulations, it worked!
Xander: (looks at her) Would’ve worked fine, except your hide’s so
thick, not even magic can penetrate it! (hammers)
She is surprised by that, and reaches out to him. He turns to face her
again.
Cordelia: You mean the spell was for me?
They look at each other for a moment, then a knife blade stabs through
the door. Cordelia screams, and they both run down the steps. Once at

the bottom they hear glass breaking and see a hand reach in through the
basement window.
Girl reaching in: Oh, please let me touch you!
Cut to the boiler room. Buffy crawls onto the trap.
Cut to the science lab. Amy begins her chant.
Amy: Goddess of creatures great and small, I conjure thee to withdraw.
Cut to the boiler room. Oz continues looking for Buffy. Cut to the lab.
Amy: Hecate, I hereby license thee to depart.
Giles sprinkles a powder into the beaker and it sparks. Cut to the
boiler room. A bright light begins to flash from behind the crate where
Buffy is. Oz holds up his flashlight and squints against the light. In a
few seconds it’s over.
Oz: Buffy?
She raises her head and looks around from behind the crate.
Cut to the basement at the Summers house. Cordelia screams as she and
Xander run into the area where the washer and dryer are. Willow finally
gets the door open.
Cordelia: Oh, my God!
Xander spots a large pipe wrench and grabs it to use as a weapon.
Xander: Stay behind me.
Willow ducks under the boards Xander nailed across the doorframe and
starts down the stairs. Joyce is right behind her with her knife. A
crowd of girls follows them. Cordelia and Xander retreat into the corner
by the water heater.
Cut to the lab at school. Giles takes a pinch of an herb from a jar.
Giles: Um… Diana, goddess of love, be gone.
He puts the herb into the brew and it sparks.
Giles: Hear no more thy siren’s song.
Cut to Buffy’s basement. Willow leads the way in. When they find Xander
and Cordelia they all charge them, screaming and shouting. They knock
Xander and Cordelia to the floor. The two of them have to fight off the
girls’ grabbing hands.
Cordelia: Get off!
Willow has dropped her ax and paws at them like the others. Xander
struggles to keep from being torn apart.
Cut to the lab. Giles waves Cordelia’s pendant over the brew and drops
it in. Suddenly a cloud of energy appears above them, and they have to
hold on to the lab table to keep from being knocked down. The energy
draws in from the windows and spirals down into the beaker. As quickly
as it was there it’s gone.
Cut to the basement. The gang of girls stops struggling. Cordelia pushes
one of them away.
Cordelia: Get off me!
They all stand up and look around at each other.

Girl: What’s going on? Where am I? What’s going on?
Cut to the boiler room. Buffy stands up and Oz raises his flashlight and
shines it on her. She looks down at herself. He immediately raises the
light away from her and turns it off. She hugs her arms around herself
to cover up.
Buffy: (smiles) Hi, Oz!
Oz: Hi.
Buffy: I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here.
Oz: But you’re not a rat. So call it an upside.
Buffy: You think maybe you could get me some clothing?
Oz: Yes, I can. Just, uh… don’t go anywhere. (leaves)
Buffy: (looks around) Really not an issue.
Cut to Joyce’s basement. Everyone is still confused. Joyce looks around
at all the people in her basement.
Joyce: What… What did we…
Cordelia: (thinking quick) Boy, that was the best scavenger hunt ever.
She and Xander smile at everyone lamely.
Cut to the halls at school the next day. Xander and Buffy come walking
around the corner and continue toward the library.
Buffy: Scavenger hunt.
Xander: Your mom seemed to buy it.
Buffy: So she says. I think she’s just so wigged at hitting on one of
my friends that she’s repressing. She’s getting pretty good at that. I
should probably start worrying.
Xander: Well, I’m back to being incredibly unpopular.
Buffy: It’s better than everyone trying to ax-murder you, right?
Xander: Mostly, but, uh… Willow won’t even talk to me.
Buffy: Any particular reason she should?
Xander: How much groveling are we talking here?
Buffy: Oh, a month, at least. (they stop and face each other) Xander,
come on, I mean… this is worse for her than anyone. She loved you
before you invoked the great Roofie spirit. The rest of us…
Xander: You remember, huh?
Buffy: Oh, yeah. I remember coming on to you, I remember begging you to
undress me… And then a sudden need for cheese. I also remember that
you didn’t.
Xander: Need cheese?
Buffy: Undress me. It meant a lot to me what you said.
Xander: C’mon, Buffy, I couldn’t take advantage of you like that. Okay,
for a minute, it was touch and go there…
Buffy: You came through. There might just be hope for you yet.

Xander: Well, tell that to Cordelia.
Buffy: You’re on your own there.
She goes off down the hall leaving Xander alone.
Cut to the colonnade. Cordelia, Harmony and friends come walking around
under the balcony and head toward the foot of the stairs.
Harmony: Cody Weinberg called me at home last night.
Cordelia: Cody Weinberg? The one with the 350sl?
Harmony: The very one. Said he’s thinking of asking me to the pledge
dance on Thursday.
Cordelia: That’s so huge!
Harmony: Yeah, there’s just two other girls he’s gonna ask first, and
if they refuse, then I’ll…
Xander bumps into Harmony as they round the corner to the stairs.
Harmony: Watch it!
Xander: Sorry.
Harmony: God! (looks him up and down) Y’know, I’m glad your mom stopped
working at the drive-through long enough to dress you. (to Cordelia) Oh,
that reminds me. (Xander starts away) Did you see Jennifer’s backpack?
It is so a crying…
Cordelia: (interrupts) Harmony, shut up. (Xander looks back) Do you
know what you are, Harmony? You’re a sheep.
Harmony: I’m not a sheep.
Cordelia: You’re a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does
just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your
approval, when I’m way cooler than you are ’cause I’m not a sheep. I
do what I wanna do, and I wear what I wanna wear. And you know what?
(Xander smiles) I’ll date whoever the hell I wanna date. No matter how
lame he is.
Xander’s smiles fades at that. Cordelia leaves the group and goes over
to him. He smiles again. When she reaches him she takes his arm and they
start walking together along the colonnade.
Cordelia: (breathing hard with anxiety) Oh, God! Oh, God!
Xander: (pats her hand) You’re gonna be okay. Just keep walkin’.
Cordelia: Oh, God, what have I done? They’re never gonna speak to me
again!
Xander: Oh, sure, they are. If it helps, whenever we’re around them you
and I can fight a lot.
Cordelia: You promise?
Xander: (takes her hand in his) You can pretty much count on it.
They both smile as they continue walking.