Season 3 | Episode 39 | Homecoming

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Episode Summary

With Homecoming approaching, Cordelia plans to start her campaign for the title of Homecoming queen, while the rest of the gang debates on their mode of transportation to the dance.

Buffy, however, is still distracted by Angel’s recent return, so she takes off for the mansion shortly after Scott asks her to the dance. At the mansion, Buffy assures Angel that nobody else knows that he’s back.

To Angel’s dismay, Buffy also tells him that she’s currently seeing another guy. Unfortunately, that statement doesn’t hold true for much longer, for Scott dumps Buffy the very next morning.

He explains that the down and depressed Buffy he knows now is not the same Buffy he knew before they started dating.

After Scott leaves, Buffy wanders around outside of the school alone… and completely unaware of the two German men who are watching her from inside a van.

Using state-of-the-art equipment, they transmit their visual to a lavish mansion, where an old man receives the signal and shows the image of Buffy to his boss: Mr. Trick.  

At City Hall, Mayor Richard Wilkins III learns from his deputy mayor that two German brothers with impressive criminal records have recently been spotted in Sunnydale.

Their names are Frederick and Hans Gruenshtahler, and they’re the same two men who have been spying on Buffy. The Mayor isn’t too worried about this.

In fact, he’s more concerned with cleanliness and personal hygiene, which he displays by closely inspecting his deputy mayor’s hands.

Meanwhile, at Sunnydale High, the senior class gets its pictures taken in the lounge for their fourth and final high school yearbook. Buffy’s a no-show, so Cordelia heads to the library to tell her about the photo session.

Before she can enter the library, Cordy is distracted by her Homecoming queen campaign priorities and completely forgets to inform Buffy.

Inside the library, Buffy and Faith plan to attend the dance together since Scott is no longer in the picture. The next day, Buffy asks one of her favorite teachers from the previous school year, Ms. Moran, to write her a recommendation to give to Principal Snyder.

Buffy needs the recommendation to fulfill one of the conditions set by Snyder for her readmittance. However, Ms. Moran can’t even remember Buffy’s name, let alone anything about her to merit a written recommendation.

Buffy’s woes increase at lunch when she learns from Xander and the others that she missed the yearbook photo session.

Upset with Cordy’s irresponsibility, Buffy approaches the Homecoming queen candidate and speaks her mind. Naturally, Cordy retaliates with her own special brand of verbal abuse.

This motivates Buffy to compete with Cordy and run for Homecoming queen herself. Later that night, Mr. Trick assembles a promising group of hunters at his mansion for an event called Slayerfest ’98.

Included in this group of hunters: Frawley, a human hunter with a rifle and a set of bear traps; Lyle and Candy Gorch, two recently-married vampires; Frederick and Hans Gruenshtahler, the German brothers who have been tracking Buffy’s every move; and Kulak, a yellow-skinned demon who keeps jagged blades inside his forearms.

Mr. Trick hopes this Slayerfest will see the end of both Buffy and Faith. Meanwhile, at the Rosenberg residence, Xander helps Willow pick out a dress for the dance while he tries on the tuxedo he’ll be wearing.

Initially, they discuss their  relationships with Cordelia and Oz. However, after Willow puts on her best dress and Xander completes his attire, the only thing on their minds is each other.

While Xander gives Willow a brief lesson on dancing, the two best friends lose themselves in the moment and share a kiss. That moment is quickly interrupted when they both realize what they’ve done, both to themselves and their significant others.  

The next morning, Buffy learns that she’ll be campaigning alone, since all of her friends have already committed to helping Cordy.

Buffy and Cordy kick their Homecoming queen campaigns into full gear, hoping to outdo each other in the race for the title. While Buffy convinces Willow to give her a little help, Frederick and Hans listen in on their conversation.

They pay particular attention to Buffy’s announcement that the limo will pick up Faith first, Buffy second, and the rest of the group afterwards.

Later in the day, Buffy learns that Cordy has been paying some of the students money to get their votes. This leads to another argument between the two candidates, only this one ends on a much harsher note.

Distraught, Willow tells Xander that their brief tryst must be partly responsible for the current feud between Buffy and Cordelia.

Eventually, Xander and Willow’s conversation turns to the bigger problem at hand: what are they themselves going to do now. Later that night, the limo stops at the Summers home to pick up Buffy as planned. Buffy is surprised to find Cordy inside instead of Faith.

According to a note written by the gang, Buffy and Cordy will be taking the limo to the dance alone so that they may work out their differences before the crowning of the Homecoming queen.

Included with the note are a couple of corsages. The limo’s destination is not the dance, however, but rather the nearby woods.

Buffy and Cordy step out of the limo and notice a monitor and VCR set up on a table, along with a sign that informs them to play the tape.

Buffy and Cordy watch a recording of Mr. Trick, who welcomes Buffy and Faith to Slayerfest ’98. Apparently, they expected Faith to be in Cordy’s place. Before Cordy can clear up the confusion, the monitor explodes, and the hunt begins.

The first hunter they run into is Frawley, who Buffy immobilizes by knocking him into one of his own traps. Unable to free his leg, Frawley informs Buffy and Cordy of the rest of the hunter group.

While Buffy and Cordy take refuge inside a cabin, Xander and Willow find themselves guilty and ashamed at the dance, even after Giles commends them on their effort to resolve the feud between Buffy and Cordy.

In the cabin, Cordy finds a telephone which Buffy uses to call Giles at the library.

Buffy explains to Cordy that she’s running for Homecoming queen because she wants a high school memory that doesn’t involve her job as the Slayer. Suddenly, Kulak bursts into the cabin and attacks Buffy.

During their battle, Frederick and Hans approach the cabin. They are being navigated by the old man, who is tracking Buffy and Cordy with his computer system back at the mansion.

The German brothers fire an explosive device into the cabin, which causes Buffy to stop her battle with Kulak and escape with Cordy. Kulak fails in his attempt to get out of the cabin, and he is killed in the explosion.

Buffy and Cordy get up from the ground and head back to the library, unaware that Lyle and Candy Gorch have knocked out Giles and are waiting for them to arrive.

While Buffy and Cordy head to the library, a pair of police officers arrive at Mr. Trick’s mansion and escort him away, against his will. At the library, Buffy fights with Candy Gorch before dusting her.

Enraged, Lyle moves in to attack, but Cordy stops him short and launches into an impressive speech that scares Lyle into taking off.

After Giles regains consciousness, he points out that he wasn’t aware of the group buying corsages for Buffy and Cordy. Buffy notices small electronic devices in the corsages, which the old man must have been using to track their movements.

They hear the German brothers in the hallway, so Buffy binds the bugs together with a bundle of wet toilet paper.

After leading one of the brothers into a classroom, she throws the mass of toilet paper onto his back. The old man gives the other brother the coordinates, and both Frederick and Hans proceed to shoot each other dead.

Meanwhile, the two police officers bring Mr. Trick to City Hall, where Mayor Wilkins introduces himself.

He reveals that he’s quite aware that Mr. Trick is a vampire, and he wants his help in eliminating the “rebellious element” from Sunnydale. Mr. Trick realizes that the Mayor is  referring to the Slayers.

At the dance, Buffy and Cordy finally arrive, only to learn that neither of them is the new Homecoming queen, for the other two candidates win the election in a tie.

Shooting Scripts

Teaser

INT. BRONZE – NIGHT
CLOSE ON BUFFY – Staring off, a little distracted.
CORDELIA
I think we should get a limo.
XANDER

A limo? A big, expensive limo?

WILLOW
That sounds like fun.
WIDER – Buffy hangs with Oz, Willow, Cordelia, Xander, Scott.
WILLOW

And it is our last Homecoming dance,
maybe we should make a big deal.

XANDER

You want to talk fun? Public bus. You
meet the fun-est people! Back me up here, Oz.

OZ

Well, if it’s a dollar issue, we
could all take my van…
CORDELIA

Van? The Homecoming Queen does not
come to the dance in a van. Use your head.

XANDER

Well, technically you haven’t been elected yet…
(off the deadly laser that is her look)
…although you certainly and without doubt will.

(to the others)
Who else likes a limo?
WILLOW
A private limo…
(links her arm through Oz’s)
…it is pretty…cuddlesome.
(to Buffy)
If we all split the cost…
BUFFY

Maybe, you know, if I go and all…

WILLOW

Why wouldn’t you? You bought your tickets
already. I mean unless you didn’t have a da —

(almost says date)

— ay or two to think it over. We should all think it over.

CORDELIA

What’s going on? Scott hasn’t asked
her to the Homecoming dance yet?

They all look at Scott.

BUFFY
Thank you, Cordelia. The
humiliation’s so good for my color.

SCOTT
Oh…
(to Buffy)

No, I just… I sort of assumed you’d
think that was corny. But I’m in…
you know, I mean if you want to.

BUFFY
I do. If you do.
SCOTT
I do. If you do.

Buffy starts to speak again, Oz jumps in.

OZ

The judges will accept that as a yes.

BUFFY

(to take attention off herself)
So, Cordy, what’s your strategy for
winning the election? Is it safe to
say bribes are involved?
CORDELIA

Bribes are only a part of it. A year
ago I would have had this thing sewn.
But the public’s fickle. There’s
competition now, not to mention
my liabilities.
(glances at Xander)
XANDER

Are you saying that dating me is some
kind of hindrance to you bagging
Homecoming Queen?
CORDELIA
Oh, sweetie… it’s okay, I can
overcome it, I’m that good.
XANDER
Well, all right then.

Scott leans in to Buffy.

SCOTT
You want another drink?
BUFFY

You know what? I’m a little tired.
Think I’ll call it a night. I’m
excited about the Homecoming dance.

He smiles. She leans in, gives him a pretty nice kiss.

BUFFY
See you tomorrow.
EXT. MANSION – NIGHT – ESTABLISHING – (STOCK)
INT. MANSION – NIGHT
Fire in fireplace; Angel, in pants, shirt open, edgy and restless, paces. He HEARS A SOUND at the
French doors.
Moves towards them ready to attack, rips the door open, scaring:

BUFFY
It’s me!

Edgy moment, he backs off, she enters, hands him a bag that says “Mel’s Butcher Shop” on the side.
He turns away, pulls a quart container of blood out of the bag. He holds it to his nose, scents it, then,
aware of Buffy, sets it on a table.

BUFFY
How are you feeling?
ANGEL
It hurts… less.
BUFFY

I haven’t told Giles or the others you’re back…

ANGEL
(remembering)
Giles…
BUFFY

I’m not going to, they wouldn’t
understand that you’re…
Angel picks up the blood, sets it down again, agitated.
BUFFY

… better. And I’m going to help you
keep getting better but…
everything’s different now, Angel.
I’m working harder at school. I’m a
Senior now, thinking about college —
also I have a boyfriend.

Angel suddenly moves to her. She doesn’t know what he’s going to do. He reaches for her — very
close, she can smell his bare skin — he fixes the (twisted) collar on her jacket or blouse — turns
away again.

BUFFY

His name is Scott. He’s a good, solid
guy. He makes me happy. And that’s
what I need. Someone I can count on.

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. SCHOOL – ENGLISH BUILDING – DAY
Buffy and Scott stand by the English building.
SCOTT

I don’t think we should see each
other anymore.

Buffy stares at him, a lost puppy.

BUFFY

You don’t? But… when did this
happen? Where was I?
SCOTT

I like you, I’m just not sure where we’re going…

BUFFY

Okay, it’s too soon to know where
we’re going… but isn’t it too soon
to not go at all?
SCOTT

Buffy, it’s just…before we were
going out you seemed so full of life,
like a force of nature. Now you seem
kind of distracted all the time and —

BUFFY

— no, I know I do that, because my
life is so… but I’m getting better
and you’re going to be seeing a drastic
distraction reduction from here on out…
(nothing from Scott)
“Drastic reduction reduction”, try
saying that ten times fast.
SCOTT
I’m really sorry.

He goes. Buffy stands there totally stunned. WE PULL BACK from her, making her a tiny figure, alone
in the world.
A REALLY LONG LENS SHOT – BINOC MATT – DAY
Of Buffy standing there.
EXT. STREET – OUTSIDE SCHOOL – DAY
PUSH IN ON A VAN with blacked out windows.
INT. VAN – DAY
A huge, high tech pair of binocs fills the frame. Two burly hands lower the binocs, revealing
FREDERICK, athletic, Aryan killer. He looks to his right. CAMERA PANS TO REVEAL his twin brother
HANS next to him: two focused, methodical, bug-fuck peas in a pod. Frederick wears an earwig. The
van’s full of high tech surveillance equipment, etc. Hans plugs a wire into the binocs as Frederick
raises them to his eyes again. CAMERA FOLLOWS the wire to a cellular modem hook-up. CAMERA
PUSHES IN ON MODEM.
INT. OLD MAN’S MANSION – DAY
MATCH CUT TO A SIMILAR MODEM, follow the wire to a high tech computer monitor.
Dark and gloomy in here. Wood, tapestries, wealth. A sullen, craggy figure sits hunched in a
wheelchair before a high tech computer monitor. On the monitor we see the binoc-matted shot of
Buffy looking lost and alone. The OLD MAN types, the shot of Buffy enlarges.

OLD MAN
Is that her?

Mr. Trick walks into frame.

MR. TRICK
In the nubile flesh, my friend.

PUSHING IN on Buffy’s image —

MR. TRICK (O.S)
That’s the target.

BLACK OUT

END OF TEASER
Act One

EXT. SCHOOL – DAY – ESTABLISHING (STOCK)
INT. SCHOOL LOUNGE – DAY
CORDELIA smiles into camera. FLASH! FREEZE FRAME, then:
XANDER sits — big dorky smile. FLASH!
WILLOW smiles shyly — then looks worried, nothing happening — and FLASH!
OZ — no expression. FLASH!
A PHOTOGRAPHER is taking class pictures, kids lined up near a stand with various types and sample
sizes of school pics.
Xander and Willow walk across the room as Oz is still being photographed.

WILLOW

You have to help me pick an outfit.
I want to wear something that’ll make Oz go “ooh”.

XANDER

No problem. I got the tux goin’ on.
I’m gonna look hot if it even remotely fits.

They approach Cordy, who is eyeing someone.
XANDER
Whatchya doin’?
CORDELIA

Checking out the I laughingly use the
phrase competition.

She indicates two PRETTY GIRLS, HOLLY and MICHELLE, talking to groups of students nearby.

CORDELIA

Holy Charleston, nice girl, brain-
dead, doesn’t have a prayer. And

Michelle Blake, open to all mankind,
especially if they have a letterman’s
jacket and a car — she could give me a run.

Oz joins them.

WILLOW

Where’s Buffy? She’s going to miss
the yearbook pictures.
XANDER

She and Faith are in the library,
getting sweaty.

CORDELIA
They’re training.
XANDER
I stand by my phrase.
OZ

I don’t think she was here the day
they announced ’em. Did anybody tell her?

CORDELIA

I’ll tell her now. I’ve gotta go by
the Nurse’s office and get an ice pack.

XANDER
Did you hurt yourself?
CORDELIA
No silly…
(pats her face)
…shrinks the pores.

INT. LIBRARY – DAY
BUFFY punches right at CAMERA! She and Faith spar, hard. A last solid hit from Buffy and they stop,
breathing hard and sweating.

FAITH

Man. Guys should break up with you more often.

BUFFY
Gee. Thanks.
FAITH

I mean it. You got some quality rage
going. Really gives you an edge.

BUFFY
Lucky me. Edge girl.

They drink Gatorade and towel off, sitting as they talk, Buffy stretching out a bit.

FAITH

Well, screw him. You move on,
you party — heavily — you’ll
be fine. You’re still going to
that dance, right?
BUFFY
I don’t know…
FAITH

You got the tix already… Why don’t
we go together?
BUFFY
(considering it)
Well, maybe…
FAITH

Come on, we’ll find a couple a studs,
use ’em and discard ’em like old
hankies. That’s always fun.

BUFFY

Okay. I’m in. Not the stud-using

part — or, probably not…

INT. SCHOOL HALL – DAY
Cor moves up, looks through the little round windows into the library, sees Buffy and Faith. She’s
about to enter when TWO GUYS move past behind her.
CORDELIA

Bobby, Mashad, you don’t phone,
you don’t write…
(head off after them)
… I miss you guys, seriously…

EXT. SUNNYDALE CITY HALL – DAY – (STOCK)
American flag flies in front of the quaint tower of power.
INT. OUTSIDE MAYOR’S OFFICE – DAY
Deputy Mayor ALLAN FINCH stands nervously outside the office, waiting. He holds a manila file folder
under one arm. A SECRETARY types impassively next to him.
CLOSE ON ALLAN
He jumps slightly as the secretary’s buzzer goes off.
SECRETARY (O.S)
The Mayor will see you now.

INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS – DAY
Finch opens the doors and enters, stopping as the mayor passes before him, wiping his hands (which
are all we see of him in frame) on a paper towel. Allan’s eyes follow the mayor to his desk.

FINCH

I’m sorry to bother you, sir.
MAYOR (O.S)
I’m not bothered, Allan.
FINCH
(crossing to the desk)
Well, I’m not sure how serious this
is, sir. But they were spotted in town
three days ago. I’ve just been informed.

He places a photo on the mayor’s desk. The two twins who were spying on Buffy.

FINCH

Frederick and Hans Gruenshtahler.
Wanted in Germany for capital murder,
terrorism, the bombing of flight 1402…

As Allan talks, the mayor takes the picture and we get our first good look at his face. It couldn’t be
more unassuming. One feels this man has not raised his voice in years, and although he is mild
enough in demeanor, one hopes he won’t.
He looks carefully at the picture and as Allan continues to talk, he rather pensively SNIFFS it.

FINCH

I should have brought it to your
attention sooner, but I wanted to confirm…

He stops, unnerved by the sniffing.

MAYOR

Would you show me your hands, please?

FINCH
Sir?
MAYOR
Your hands.

He indicates the desk top. Slowly, Allan puts his hand down flat on the desk. He is clearly terrified
now. The mayor looks at them, his own hand mere inches from a sharp looking letter opener. After a
beat of scrutiny, he looks up at Allan.

MAYOR

I think they could be cleaner.

FINCH

Of course, sir, I mean I washed them, but —

MAYOR

After every meal, and under the
fingernails. Dirt gets trapped
there. And germs. And mayonnaise.

FINCH
Yes, sir.
MAYOR

My dear mother said that cleanliness
was next to godliness and I believed
her. She never caught a cold.
(closing the folder)
I’d like these two to be put under
surveillance. And I’d like to know
if any other colorful characters have

come to town.
FINCH
I’ll take care of it.
MAYOR
You have all my faith.
A moment, and the deputy mayor turns and goes, visibly sweating.
INT. WILLOW’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Willow, in a slip, has a slew of clothes laid out on the bed. She picks up a sweater (or blouse,
Cynthia), holds it in front of her, leans around a standing screen that separates her from Xander, in
tux pants, white shirt, trying to tie a bow tie.

WILLOW
What do you think of this?
XANDER
Nice.
Willow nods, drops it on the bed, picks up something else.
WILLOW

It’s my first big dance, you know,
where there’s a boy and a band and
not just me alone in my room
pretending there’s a boy and a band,
so I want it to be…

XANDER

…special. Which is why I spared no
expense on the tux.
WILLOW

I thought you borrowed it from your

cousin Rigby.
XANDER

Expense to my pride, Will. They’re
our only relations with money and
they shun us, as they should.

Willow leans around the screen again.

WILLOW
What do you think of this?
XANDER
Nice.
Willow nods, fixes Xander’s bow tie for him. She looks at him.
XANDER
What?
WILLOW

I was just… remember the eighth
grade cotillion? You had that clip-on…

XANDER
I was stylin’ with the clip-on.
WILLOW

And now here we are, it’s Homecoming.

XANDER

Face it, Will. You and I are gonna be
in neighboring rest homes, and I’m
gonna be stopping by to have you
adjust my… my… I can’t think of
anything that’s not really gross.

Willow smiles, finishes the tie, goes back to the bed where she will be putting on a dress (we won’t
see much of) as:

XANDER

So, uh, you and Oz, how can I put
this… are we on first, second or, ye gods?

WILLOW

That is none of your business,
Alexander Harris.
XANDER
(impressed)
Oh, rounding second.
WILLOW

You don’t know that, what about you and Cordelia?

Xander slips on his tux coat.

XANDER

A gentleman never talks about his conquests.

WILLOW

Since when did you become a —

Willow steps around the screen in a stunning dress. Looks at Xander in full tux: James Bond meets
God.

WILLOW
— gentleman.

He just stares at her for a long moment. She looks down at her own outfit.

WILLOW
I know. “Nice”.
XANDER
(sincerely)

I was gonna go with “gorgeous”.

WILLOW
Really?
(he nods)
You, too. In a guy way.
XANDER
Oz is very lucky.
WILLOW

So is Cordelia — in a girl way.

Beat. They don’t quite know what to say.

WILLOW

I don’t know if I can dance in this.

(thinks)

I don’t know if I can dance…
XANDER

Come on, piece of cake. Here.

He takes her in his arms. They dance a little, getting closer, looking at one another.

XANDER
That seems to…
WILLOW
Yeah, it shouldn’t be a…
(they get even closer)
…problem.
XANDER
No… no problem…

And now they’re very close; and then, gently, they’re kissing. Then a little more than gently. Then
they both pull back at the same instant.

XANDER
That didn’t just happen.
WILLOW

No. I mean it did but it didn’t.

XANDER

Because I respect you — and Oz —
and I would never —

WILLOW

I wouldn’t ever, either. It’s the
clothes. It’s a fluke.
XANDER

It’s a clothes fluke, and that’s what
it is and there’ll be no more fluking.

WILLOW
Not ever.
Beat. They look like they might kiss again, then —
XANDER

We got to get out of these clothes.

WILLOW
Right now!
XANDER
Oh, I didn’t mean —
WILLOW
Me, either!

They run for opposite sides of the screen.
EXT. SCHOOL – FOUNTAIN QUAD – DAY
Buffy moves between classes. Sees a kindly looking TEACHER.
BUFFY

Ms. Moran, I’m so glad I ran into
you. I had a little incident last
year of… getting kicked out of
school. I’m back, I’ve done all my
make-ups but I still need one written
recommendation from a teacher — I
think the word Principal Snyder used
was “glowing” — for my file, to show

I belong here.
MS. MORAN
And you are…?
BUFFY

Buffy. Buffy Summers, second row,
third from the front in your class…
(Moran shrugs)

…”Contemporary American Heroes:
From Amelia Earhart to Maya Angelou”,
the class that changed my life?
MS. MORAN
Were you absent a lot, uh…?

BUFFY
Buffy.

Off Buffy.
INT. CAFETERIA – DAY
A FLYER – is thrust at CAMERA. Cordelia’s pic, her million dollar smile and the words “You Get More
With Cor” emblazoned across it.

PAN TO CORDELIA – handing out flyers

CORDELIA

Hi. I hope you’ll consider me for
Homecoming Queen…

ANGLE – A TABLE
Oz, Willow, Xander and Buffy lunch. Xander and Willow are consumed with silent guilt. Buffy’s a little
down.

BUFFY

I can’t believe it. My favorite
teacher and she didn’t remember me.
I’m like a non-person. Am I turning invisible?

(to Oz)
Can you see me?
OZ
Big as life.
BUFFY

At Hemery I was Prom Queen, Fiesta
Queen, I was on the cheerleading
squad — the yearbook was, like, a
story of me. Now it’s senior year
and I’m going to be one crappy picture
on one eighth of one crappy page.

XANDER
Uh, no, actually, you’re not.

BUFFY
What do you mean?
XANDER

Well, you missed the picture taking.

BUFFY
When? Why?
OZ
We did ’em yesterday.
WILLOW
Didn’t Cordelia tell you?

Off Buffy.
CORDELIA HANDS OUT FLYER — BUFFY STEPS IN FRONT OF HER
CORDELIA

Buffy, you look so adorable in that —

BUFFY
I’m not voting for you.
CORDELIA
Then make it snappy.
BUFFY

Why didn’t you tell me they were
doing the yearbook pictures?
CORDELIA

Didn’t I? Guess I forgot. What’s the big?

BUFFY

The big is that it’s the yearbook!
It’s the book about…the year!
CORDELIA
Yeah, hence the name.
BUFFY

You just could have thought about
someone else for thirty seconds, that’s all.

CORDELIA

Hey, I’m under a lot of pressure here.

BUFFY

Oh, yeah, Homecoming campaign. Rough gig.

CORDELIA

What would you know about it? Just
because you were Guacamole Queen when
you were three doesn’t mean you
understand how this works.

BUFFY

Yeah, apparently it involves handing
out these entirely lame flyers.
CORDELIA

No, it involves being a part of the
school and having actual friends.
Now if it was about monsters and
blood and innards, you’d be a shoo in.

It’s safe to say she’s gone too far. She sees it, too, but can’t back down. She starts past a glaring
Buffy, muttering:

CORDELIA

Like to see you try to win the crown.

Buffy watches her start to leave.

BUFFY
Oh, you would?

Cordy turns back.

BUFFY
Then you will.
CORDELIA
What do you mean?
BUFFY

I’ll show you how it’s done. I’ll go
for Homecoming Queen and I’ll win.

CORDELIA
This is starting to be sad.
BUFFY

Sorry, Cordy, but you have no idea
who you’re messing with.
CORDELIA
What, the Slayer?

BUFFY

I’m not talking about the Slayer.
I’m talking about Buffy. You’ve
awakened the Prom Queen within,
Cordy. And that crown is gonna be mine.

They stare at each other.

MR. TRICK (V.O)
Competition.

INT. OLD MAN’S MANSION – NIGHT

MR. TRICK

Competition is a beautiful thing.
Makes us strive. Makes us accomplish.
Occasionally makes us kill.

Mr. Trick lectures the assembled killers. They include Frederick and Hans (with AR-15 semi-automatic
rifles, laser sight, grenade); the old man at his computer terminal; FRAWLEY, a leathery big game
hunter; KULAK, a demon, yellow skin, yellow eyes, dinosaur spines across his bald head; Texas
vampire LYLE GORCH and his bride CANDY, pink barrette in her hair.

MR. TRICK
We all feel the desire to win,
whether we’re human…
(indicates the humans)
…vampire…
(indicates the Gorches)
…or…
(Kulak)

…whatever the hell you are, my
brother, got them spiny looking head
things, I never seen that.
KULAK

I am Kulak, of the Miquot clan.
MR. TRICK
Isn’t that nice. Point is, you’re
all here for one reason.
GORCH

Well, it wasn’t for no philosophy class.

MR. TRICK

Mr. Gorch. My account statement
shows your deposit has yet to be made.
Gorch dumps a sack of money — stacks of bloody hundreds — on the table.

GORCH

Me and Candy blowing our whole
honeymoon stash on this little game.

MR. TRICK
They’re dirty.
GORCH
They’re non-consecutive.

Trick considers, then shrugs.

MR. TRICK

In a few days time, the game will
commence. You will all have the

opportunity to bring down not one but
two of the toughest prize bucks this
world has to offer. The first
target, Buffy, you’ve all seen. The
second, Faith, is a little more elusive, but
both targets will be together and
ready for the killing and that’s a
money-back guarantee. Ladies,
Gentlemen, and spiny-headed lookin’
creatures… welcome to SlayerFest. Ninety eight.

BLACK OUT

END OF ACT ONE
Act Two

EXT. SCHOOL – DAY – ESTABLISHING (STOCK)

BUFFY (O.S)
A campaign is like a war…

INT. SCHOOL – LIBRARY – DAY
Buffy, with sketches, time tables, a white board and a pointer (listing the other candidates, their
strengths and weaknesses), presents battle plans to Willow and Xander (looking guilty) and Oz. She
is excited and in her element. Giles watches in b.g.
BUFFY

…it’s won or lost in the trenches.
Holly, Michelle…

(hits board with pointer on each name)
…and our real competition,
Cordelia, all have a big head
start — speaking of Cordelia’s head,
if I had a watermelon that big, I’d be rich!

Nothing from Xander, Will and Oz.

BUFFY

— waits for laugh…right, don’t
rag on the competition, makes me look
petty. Anyway, I’ve done this
before, it’s just like any other
popularity contest — the only
difference being that this time I’m
not actually popular. But I’m not
unpopular, exactly. I mean, a lot of
people came to my welcome home party.

WILLOW

But they were killed by zombies.

BUFFY

Good point. Will, I want you to set
up a database, who’s for us, who’s on
the fence, crisis areas. Oz, you
take the fringe, musicians, not
inclined to vote, could be an
important swing. Xander —

Cordelia enters. An awkward beat.

BUFFY

Hi Cordelia. I know this is kinda

awkward but I don’t see why we can’t
all get along during the campaign.
We’re all buds, we’re all going to
the dance together in the limo.

CORDELIA
Great.
(to Willow)
How’s the database coming?

You thought Willow looked guilty before?

WILLOW
Uh… it’s… just about done.
CORDELIA
Xander?
XANDER
I’ve got your new flyers…
CORDELIA
Let’s get cracking.
Xander, Willow, and Oz move to Cordelia’s side of the room.
XANDER
(to Buffy)
She’s my girlfriend.
WILLOW
(to Buffy)

It’s just… she needs it so much
more than you do.
OZ

As Willow goes so goes my nation.

CORDELIA

Thanks for what you said, Buffy. I
think we’re getting along good, don’t you?

She turns and goes. The rest follow like guilty dogs. Buffy picks up her Snapple (or similar glass
bottled drink) and sips as Giles moves up.

GILES

Seems an awful lot of fuss for a little title.

BUFFY

Giles, it’s no fun if you don’t try your best.

GILES

As long as fun is still in the mix…

BUFFY

Sure. It’s not like anyone takes it that seriously.

INSERT: BUFFY’S HAND
As it actually crushes the Snapple bottle.
Buffy smiles guilelessly at Giles. (While Miles files piles of tiles.)(I’m very sorry.)
MONTAGE: MUSIC UP
EXT. SCHOOL – FOUNTAIN QUAD – DAY

Buffy chats (M.O.S) with a group of STUDENTS. Laughing, charming, touching a guy on the arm. WE
STEADI CAM PAST HER and discover Cordelia doing the same thing down stream.
INT. OLD MAN’S MANSION – DAY
Frawley checks the action on his 30 aught 6. PAN TO Frederick and Hans, doing bare-chested knuckle
push-ups on the floor. PAN TO Gorch and Candy, necking.
INT. SCHOOL – LOUNGE – DAY
Homecoming Queen posters on the board, including HOLLY CHARLESTON’S and MICHELLE BLAKE’S.
PANNING ACROSS Cordelia’s poster we find Buffy pinning up one of her own. Unlike the others, it’s
hip, Dutch-angled and M.T.V. colored.
INT. OLD MAN’S MANSION – NIGHT
Frederick and Hans fight hand to hand; PAN TO the old man at his computer running map grids of
the city; PAN TO Kulak. He takes a deep breath and cocks his arms, wrist to shoulder. He straightens
them and two (CGI) blades come out of his forearms, fly into his hands. HE HURLS ONE OF HIS
BLADES.
A TARGET NEXT TO GORCH AND CANDY NECKING, SHATTERS!
GORCH
Hey, Swiss Army Knife –
wanna reign it in a little?
CANDY

Sugar, everyone else’s got weapons
and plans, shouldn’t we be…?

GORCH

Don’t worry, I got a plan. You
forget, I’m the only one in this game
actually knows the Slayer, what she’ll do.

CANDY

You are just a big, strong, manly
cowboy and I love you.
GORCH
Gimme that sugar.

They neck. Pan to Frawley setting in a mannequin leg in one of his bear traps — it snaps the leg in
two.
EXT. SCHOOL – FOUNTAIN QUAD – DAY
Buffy drops a bunch of flyers, wearily stoops to pick them up. Scott is passing, bends down to help.

SCOTT
Here.
BUFFY
(awkwardly)
Oh. Thanks.
SCOTT
(looking at flyer)
I heard you were doing this.

BUFFY

It’s just something to fill the time,
it’s kind of silly, really.

SCOTT

I don’t think so. For what it’s
worth, you’ve got my vote.

BUFFY
I really don’t want to —
(stops herself)
Thank you.

He nods a little self-consciously, moves off. She drops the sad girl act, whips out a LIST – checks off
Scott Hope.
EXT. SCHOOL – DAY
Holly walks to a kid, gives him a cookie. As his hand is about to take it, Buffy puts a cupcake in it.
EXT. SCHOOL – DAY
Two other kids eat Buffy’s cupcakes, their mouths chocolaty. Cordelia walks up, gives them each a
small dessert basket.
INT. SCHOOL – DAY
Holly puts her poster up. CUT: Michelle takes it down, puts up her own poster. CUT: Cordelia takes it
down, puts up her poster. CUT: The words “Get More With Cor” on Cor’s poster as Buffy tags them:
“Get Bored With Cor”.
EXT. SCHOOL – DAY
Buffy talks and laughs with a “hip” group. CUT: Buffy talks and laughs with a “jock” group. CUT:
Buffy talks and laughs too hard with a “nerd” group. The nerds look at each other: this chick is a
bigger nerd than they are.
INT. SCHOOL – LOUNGE – DAY
Willow, looking very anxious, walks past a wall of posters. She looks from Cordelia’s to Buffy’s,
miserable, then sees BUFFY HERSELF, heading her way. Trapped.

BUFFY
Hi.
WILLOW

Oh hi. How are you? You good? You
look good. And what else is new with
you? Did I mention you look —

BUFFY
Will, it’s okay, you helping
Cordelia. You’re my friend,
I’m not going to hold it against you.

WILLOW

No, I’m not a friend, I’m a rabid dog
who should be shot, but there are
forces at work here, dark
incompressible forces…
BUFFY

And I’m sure they’re more important
than all we’ve been through together
or how many times I’ve saved your life…

WILLOW
(tiny voice)
What do you want?

BUFFY

Fifteen minutes alone on your
computer with Cordelia’s data base.

WILLOW
(tinier voice)
‘Kay.

They move off, Buffy quite chipper.

BUFFY

So I called the limo place and we’re
all set. It’s going to swing by
Faith’s, then my place…

INT. VAN – DAY
Frederick and Hans have a listening mic pointed at the school.
BUFFY (O.S., FILTERED)
…and then your house, unless you’re
going to be at Oz’, and then…

INT. SCHOOL LOUNGE – DAY
Buffy gives Jonathan a cupcake. He munches as:
BUFFY

You know, Jonathan, I’ve always felt
a special bond between you and me —

JONATHAN

Cordelia gave me six bucks. That
buys a whole lotta cupcakes.

BUFFY

Okay, how ’bout… you vote for me
and I don’t beat the living crap out of you.

Jonathan stops chewing, swallows.

JONATHAN
That works good for me.
(backs away)
BUFFY
(cheery)
Tell your friends!

Buffy looks:
INTO THE UPPER LOUNGE
Where Cordelia laughs loudly with a group of EXTREME NERDS.
CORDELIA

Are you kidding? I’ve been doing the
Vulcan death grip since I was four!

She does it wrong, then tries to do it like the five nerds are doing it as Buffy marches up.

BUFFY

You’re giving out money now?
CORDELIA

So? Is that any more tacky than your

faux “I’m shy but deep” campaign posters?

BUFFY
Yes.
CORDELIA

This whole trying to be like me
really isn’t funny anymore.
BUFFY

I was never trying to be like you and
when was it funny?
CORDELIA

I don’t see why your pathetic need to
recapture your glory days gives you
the right to splinter my vote!

BUFFY

How can you think it’s okay to talk
to people like that? Do you have parents?

CORDELIA

Yeah. Two of them. Unlike some people.

BUFFY

Your brain isn’t even connected to
your mouth. Is it?
CORDELIA

Why don’t you do us both a favor and
stay out of my way?

Cordelia brushes — or rather tries to brush — Buffy aside. Buffy catches her hand.

BUFFY
Don’t ever do that again.
CORDELIA
You’re sick, you know that?

Xander (arriving with Willow) grabs Cordelia.

XANDER

Okay, let’s not say things we’ll regret later —

CORDELIA
Crazy freak!
BUFFY
Vapid whore!
XANDER
— like that.
Xander pulls Cordy away. Willow looks at Buffy:
WILLOW
This is just —

INT. WILLOW’S BEDROOM – DAY

WILLOW

— the worst thing that’s ever happened.

Xander and Willow alone, wigged.

XANDER

I know, I know, but when I look at you now…
(puts his hands on her shoulders)
…it’s like I’m seeing you for the first time,
I know it’s crazy but I can’t help it.

WILLOW

I’m talking about Buffy and Cordelia.

XANDER
(drops his hands)
Me too.
WILLOW

What are we gonna do? We have to do
something. This is all our fault.

XANDER

How do you get from chick fight to “our fault”?

WILLOW

Because, we felt so guilty about the
fluke we went overboard helping
Cordelia — and spun the whole group
dynamic out of orbit — we’re a
meteor storm heading for earth!

XANDER

Okay, calm down, let’s put our heads
together and think of something. One
of us is pretty darn smart and I’m…
just in hell. I thought being a
Senior — at last — and having a
girlfriend — at last — would be a
good thing. Shouldn’t that be a good thing?

(she smiles)
What?
WILLOW

Sometimes when you’re falling apart
your mouth does the sweetest thing.

XANDER
My mouth?

Willow touches his mouth. He touches her hand. They come together and just hold onto one another.
No kissage.

WILLOW
What are we gonna do?
XANDER

We just gotta get the two of them communicating.

WILLOW
I’m talking about us.

EXT. BUFFY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Buffy, in prom dress, heads down the walk to a waiting limo. The uniformed driver (whose face we
won’t see) holds the door for her. As she gets in:
INT. LIMO – NIGHT
Buffy sits, sees Cordelia, also in prom dress (and corsage.)

BUFFY

What are you doing here? Where’s Faith?

Cordelia icily hands Buffy a note. Buffy reads:
BUFFY

“Dear Cordelia and Buffy, we won’t be
riding to the dance with you. We want
you to work out your problems because
our friendships are more important
than who wins Homecoming Queen.
Your friends. P.S., the limo was not
cheap, work it out.”
(beat)
Well…

She sees two corsage boxes, one empty.

BUFFY
They gave us corsages?
CORDELIA
I took the orchid.
BUFFY
Oh.

(takes out other corsage, pins it to her dress)
Nice of you to check with me on that.

Cordelia gives her a bitchy look.
EXT. BUFFY’S HOUSE – NIGHT – THE DRIVER
Starts the car. We see that it is Frederick. The limo pulls away.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. ROAD LEADING FROM CITY TO COUNTRY – NIGHT – STOCK
Only if we can find this in STOCK FOOTAGE. A black limo leaves suburbia — or a black limo on a
country road — or a black limo heading into a woodsy locale.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LIMO – NIGHT – POOR MAN’S

CORDELIA

I don’t see what the big deal is.

BUFFY

I’m not making a big deal. You wanted
the orchid, you took the orchid.

CORDELIA

It goes with my complexion better.

BUFFY

It does have a sallow tint…
(limo stops)
Finally, we’re here…

They hear the driver’s door open and shut. Then footsteps sound like he’s running away. Off Buffy.
EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
Buffy and Cordy get out, look around.

CORDELIA
What is this?
(calls out)

Okay you guys, we’ve had enough of
your stupid games.
BUFFY

What’s massively wrong with this picture?

Cordelia follows Buffy’s gaze to A BIG T.V. Sitting there in the woods. They move to it. A big post-it
note says “Press Power, then Play”. Buffy does. The (battery-operated) T.V. clicks on and we see Mr.
Trick on V.H.S.

MR. TRICK

Hello ladies, welcome to SlayerFest
ninety-eight. What is a SlayerFest
you ask? Well, as in most of life,
there’s the hunters and the hunted.
Can you guess where you two fall? You
have exactly thirty seconds from the
beginning of this tape —
(checks watch)

— ooo, seventeen now — to run for
your lives. Faith, Buffy, have a nice death.

The tape ends. Buffy does a three sixty, scanning the woods for danger. Cordy just stares at the T.V.,
irritated.

CORDELIA

Hello, how stupid are you people.
She’s a Slayer, I am a Homecoming Quee —

Suddenly a bullet shatters the TV, blowing it to bits. Cordelia screams bloody murder. Buffy grabs
Cordelia and they run like hell into the woods.

BLACK OUT

END OF ACT TWO
Act Three

INT. BRONZE – NIGHT
Oz’ band plays an upbeat love song. Place is decked out for Homecoming, banners, refreshment
table, etc. FIND WILLOW AND XANDER standing rather far apart. Faith walks up between them,
wearing her own high fashion statement.

FAITH

What are you two so mopey about?

XANDER

We’re not mopey. We’re grooving. On
Oz’ band. He’s a wonderful guy, Oz.

WILLOW
(verge of tears)
He wrote this song for me.

Faith gives them a look, sees Scott with a date.
FAITH
That sleazebag…

Giles moves up, alarmed.

GILES

We’ve got to find Buffy. Something
terrible’s happened.
(off their looks)
Just kidding. Thought I’d give you
a scare. Are those finger sandwiches?

He heads for the refreshment table —

XANDER

Giles is developing a sense of humor.

WILLOW
I’m scared, too.

EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
ON THE GROUND – Two pairs of dress shoes run . NORMAL ANGLE – Buffy grabs Cordy, pulls her off
the path and into the trees.

BUFFY

We gotta get off this path…

They keep moving, Buffy looking for danger.

CORDELIA

I have an idea: we talk to these
people, we explain I’m not a Slayer,
they let me go… LOOK OUT!

Too late. Buffy, looking everywhere but down, has stepped into one of Frawley’s bear traps.
SFX – Probably slo mo – the trap snaps up. Buffy, with Slayer speed, whips her foot back out of the
trap.
The trap snaps shut just below Buffy’s foot.
Frawley rises out of the darkness, his gun aimed at her.
Buffy dives as Frawley shoots and misses — Buffy rolls, whips the trap out of the ground and flings it.
The trap hits Frawley in the head; he staggers back.
Frawley’s booted foot steps in one of this own traps. He howls with incredible pain and falls against a
tree.
Buffy grabs his gun, goes to him. Cordy moves up behind Buffy.
BUFFY

That’s gotta smart. Now, I can let
you out of that trap or I can put
a bullet in your head. How many are
there in this little game and what
are they packing?

Frawley looks at her. He’s in incredible pain but he doesn’t say anything — until she works the action
on the 30 aught 6 and drops a shell in.

FRAWLEY

There’s me, two Germans with AR-15’s
and grenade launcher, yellow-skin
demon with long knives, vampire
couple from Texas named Gorch.

BUFFY
That everybody?

FRAWLEY

Everybody who’s out here. Germans are
wired — their boss is tracking them
on computer. Now get me out of this!

BUFFY

Tell you what. If I live, I’ll send
the S.P.C.A for you. And if I ever
see you again, I’ll kill you where you lean.

CORDELIA

Could you do me an eensy favor?
Tell your friends that I’m not —

Buffy slaps a hand over Cordy’s mouth, sensing danger. Buffy spins around, bringing the gun up.
Kulak is behind them, blades in each hand. He flings one, Buffy shoots.
The blade misses Buffy, sinks in a tree next to her. The bullet KNOCKS KULAK back and down.
Cordelia screams. Buffy grabs her and they run.
INT. BRONZE – NIGHT
Scott dances with an extra. Faith moves up.
FAITH

Scott, there you are, Honey. Good
news — doctor says the itching and
the swelling and the burning should
clear up, but we gotta keep using the ointment.

(to his date, nice)
Hi.

Giles moves to Xander and Willow, much less jovial than before.
GILES

I suspect these finger sandwiches
contain actual finger. I think I’ll
retreat to the library until the
coronation, I want to be here when
Buffy… however it turns out for
her — and that was a fine thing you
two did putting Buffy and Cordelia together.

(he goes)
WILLOW
We did one fine thing.
XANDER

Yeah. They’ve been gone a while, they
must really be getting into it.

INT. DESERTED CABIN – NIGHT
Buffy (gun in hand) kicks the door open. She and Cordy tumble in. Buffy shuts the door, wedges a
chair under the handle.

BUFFY

We’re safe for the time being,
look for a weapon.

Buffy shutters the first window shut, draws a curtain across it. Cordy hyperventilates.

CORDELIA

Safe? I’m not safe, I’m going to die.

BUFFY

You are if you just stand there.

Buffy moves to the second window: half a shutter, which comes off in her hand. She sighs, draws the
curtain across it.

CORDELIA
I’m never going to be crowned
Homecoming Queen, I’m never going to
graduate high school, I’m never going
to know if it was real between me and
Xander or some temporary insanity
that made me think… I loved him.
(starting to cry)
And now I’ll never get to tell him.

BUFFY

Yes you will. We’re going to get out
of here — then we’re going to the
library where Giles and more weapons
live — and we’re gonna take the rest
of these creeps out in time for you
to congratulate me on my sweeping
victory as Homecoming Queen.

CORDELIA

I know what you’re up to, you think
if you can get me mad enough I won’t
be so scared — and hey, it’s
working, where’s a damn weapon?!

Cordelia ransacks cupboards and drawers. Buffy moves between front windows, watches for attack.

BUFFY

Do you really love Xander?
CORDELIA

Well, he just… grows on you, like a Chia Pet.
Cordelia joins Buffy at the window, old wooden-handled spatula in hand.

BUFFY
(re: spatula)
That’s it?
CORDELIA
Just this and a telephone.

BUFF

Telephone? You didn’t think a
telephone would be helpful?
CORDELIA
(re: spatula)
This is better for…
(mimes hitting, then:)
…oh.

EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
Frederick and Hans move silently through the trees.
INT. OLD MAN’S MANSION – NIGHT
Trick, munching popcorn, strolls up.

MR. TRICK

Popcorn? Not bad for microwave.

OLD MAN

You’re about to see why Daniel Boone
and that idiot demon are creatures of
the past, and why I am the future.

MR. TRICK

I love the future. It’s just like the past, only shiny.

OLD MAN
(re: computer)
I’m picking up a signal…radio…?
They’ve got a phone!

INT. CABIN – NIGHT
Buffy, gun in one hand, phone in the other —
BUFFY
(into phone)

If you get this message, Giles, get
help, get out here… hello?
(clicks receiver)
CORDELIA
What happened?
BUFFY
It just went dead.

She drops phone, looks out into the dark night.
EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE WOODS – NIGHT
We follow Kulak’s blade up to his wounded shoulder. As the blade moves toward the wound, we
MOVE UP to his face which contorts in pain as he digs (off screen) into the wound.
THE BLADE – drops a spent bullet on the ground.
KULAK’S HAND scoops up mud for a poultice, plasters it to his shoulder, then he gets to his feet,
starts to walk. He passes:
FRAWLEY – still writhing in agony, his leg in the trap.
KULAK

Want me to cut that leg off for you?

FRAWLEY
(clenched teeth)
No thanks.

Kulak, blade in each hand, moves up.
INT. LIBRARY – NIGHT
Giles pours a cup of tea, notices THE BLINKING LIGHT on his message machine. Hits PLAY.

MACHINE VOICE (V.O)
You have one message…
BUFFY’S VOICE
Giles, it’s me. And Cordelia. We’re
in a cabin in Miller’s Woods, we got

big trouble…

EXT. WOODS – CABIN – NIGHT
The cabin, nestled in the woods. Frederick and Hans approach with grenade launcher, stand.
PUSHING IN on the earwig in Frederick’s ear —
INT. OLD MAN’S MANSION – NIGHT – THE OLD MAN
At his computer. Coordinates of the woods on his monitor. And two red dots. The old man wears a
head-set.

OLD MAN
(into headset)
I have them both in range.

INSERT – COMPUTER
The grid enlarges, the red dots grow and center, a target scope zeroes in on them —

OLD MAN (O.S)
Northeast Grid A as in apple dash
E as in Edward…

EXT. WOODS – CABIN – NIGHT
Hans taps the coordinates into a key pad on the side of the grenade launcher as Frederick readies a
rocket grenade for loading.

OLD MAN (O.S)
…fourteen point eight degrees by…
seventy-two point three…

INT. CABIN – NIGHT
Buffy’s at the window; Cor clings to her spatula.
CORDELIA

Why is it…every time I go somewhere
with you, it always ends in violence and terror?

BUFFY
Welcome to my life.
CORDELIA
I don’t want to be in your life.
I want to be in mine.
BUFFY

Please feel free to walk out that
door and live it at any time.
CORDELIA

All I wanted was to be Homecoming Queen.

BUFFY

Well that’s all I wanted too,
Cordelia, I spent a year’s
allowance on this dress…
CORDELIA

I don’t get why you even care about
Homecoming when you’re doing stuff like this.

BUFFY

Because this is all I do. This is
what my life is, fighting monsters no
one even knows about while everyone

else gets to… I thought Homecoming
Queen, I could open a yearbook someday
and say “I was there. I went to high
school and had friends and for one
minute, I got to live in the world.”
And there’d be proof. Proof that I was
chosen for something other than this.

(holds up gun)
… besides
(pumps shell in gun)
… I look cute in a tiara.

Cordelia listens.

CORDELIA
Do you hear —

Kulak, screaming bloody murder, dives through the window, blade in each hand. He knocks Buffy
down, the gun goes flying.
INT. OLD MAN’S MANSION – NIGHT
Trick flings popcorn into the air, catching it in his mouth.
OLD MAN (INTO HEAD SET)
Prepare to launch…

EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
Frederick drops the grenade into the launcher.
INT. CABIN – NIGHT
Buffy and Kulak fight. Cordelia tries hitting him on his spiny head with the spatula. Doesn’t do a
damn thing, but you gotta admire her pluck.
BUFFY
(between punches)
Cor… the gun!

Cordy grabs the gun, tries to figure out how to work it as Buffy takes a slice to the arm. Cor finally
gets a shot off — blowing a chunk of wood behind Buffy’s head away.

BUFFY
Cor… the spatula!

Kulak nearly takes Buffy’s head off as she ducks a blade. Buffy roundhouse kicks Kulak in the face.

CORDELIA
Buffy!

Cordelia hurls her the gun. She levels it at Kulak — he freezes — she pulls the trigger. Nothing. She
works the action. Fires again. It’s empty. Kulak smiles, coming for her.
INT. OLD MAN’S MANSION – NIGHT

OLD MAN
Launch.

EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
Frederick fires the grenade launcher!
INT. CABIN – NIGHT

Buffy ducks a blade as the GRENADE blasts through the flimsy wall, lands on the floor between Buffy
and Kulak. They both look down, then they both turn towards opposite walls.
POSSIBLE SLO MO – Buffy grabs Cordelia and they crash out the (unshuttered but curtained) window.
Kulak dives for the opposite (shuttered but curtained window) and — REGULAR SPEED — bounces off
the closed shutters. Kulak looks down at the grenade. Ba’ bye.
EXT. CABIN – NIGHT
Blows to smithereens (as Buffy and Cor run towards us.)
ANGLE – BUFFY AND CORDELIA – look up from the ground.
BUFFY

We gotta get to the library.
HER POV: THE TWINS – far away through the smoke, seeing Buffy.

BUFFY
…now.

They scramble to their feet, run.
INT. LIBRARY – NIGHT
PAN – an axe, a sword, and a crossbow as TWO HANDS lock an arrow onto it. PULLING BACK, we see
Candy Gorch, playing with the crossbow. Lyle moves the arrow away from his heart.

GORCH

Easy darlin’, those things’ll go
through ya’ quicker ‘n Grampa Pete’s chili.

CANDY

I want to do Buffy, my weddin’
present fer what happened to you
poor brother. When’s she comin’?
Now we see Giles, lying on the floor, a nasty bruise on his forehead.

GORCH

He’s her Watcher. She’ll show soon as
she takes out some a our competition.

CANDY
Can I eat ‘im?
GORCH

Course you can, sugar. I’m hoping to
get a little information out of him first.

(kicks Giles a little)

Wish you hadn’t a clocked him so good.

CANDY

Hell, I hit you harder ‘n that.

GORCH

But I’m your husband and I like it.

CANDY
(seductively)
Do you?
GORCH
Gotta have that sugar.

And they neck. Off Giles,

BLACK OUT.

END OF ACT THREE
Act Four

INT. OLD MAN’S MANSION – NIGHT
On COMPUTER: Two red dots moving left through the grids.
OLD MAN (INTO HEAD SET)
They’re heading West, back into town.

MR. TRICK
They got away?
OLD MAN
Temporarily…

A SIREN can be heard in the near distance.

MR. TRICK

Give it up for the Slayers, they got character.

(problem)
What do I do if they survive?
(solution)

Re-match next year — bring on the money…

(re: computer)
… go girls, go!

Suddenly the sirens are very loud and we HEAR the sound of screeching tires outside. Then a KNOCK
at the front door.

MR. TRICK
I’ll take care of it.

Mr. Trick leaves the old man, goes to the front door, opens it. Four UNIFORMED COPS.

MR. TRICK

Good evening, gentlemen. What can I do for —

They grab him, hustle him away.

MR. TRICK

Excuse me, someone have a warrant here?

INT. SCHOOL HALL – NIGHT
Cordy (clinging to her spatula) and Buffy move down the hall. Dresses torn, faces dirty, hair a mess,
looking like refugees.

BUFFY

Jungle Bob and spike-head are down
and out, we lost the Germans twice,
but they seem to keep finding us —
we take them out and the Gorches, we
can still make Homecoming.
CORDELIA

Those animals, hunting us down like
poor defenseless… well, animals, I guess.

As they enter:

INT. LIBRARY – NIGHT

BUFFY
Now we just need —

Candy Gorch kicks Buffy, catching her way off guard. Buffy slams into a wall. Candy kicks and
punches her a couple of more times — Buffy’s going down — Cordelia sees Lyle Gorch coming for her.

CORDELIA
Buffy!

Cordy hurls the spatula to Buffy — as Candy picks up the coat rack — Buffy stakes Candy who
WALLOPS HER in the head with the coat rack sending her down and out — and then turns to dust.
Candy’s pink barrette falls to the floor.
GORCH – About to attack Cordelia, cries out:

GORCH
Candy!

He kneels, fishes her barrette out of the dust in grief-stricken disbelief.

GORCH

First ma’ brother Tector, now ma’ wife…

CORDELIA — Looks from unconscious Buffy to unconscious Giles. Not a good sitch. Gorch heads for
Buffy.

GORCH
I’ll kill ya’ fer this, Slayer…

GILES’ EYES flutter open. Woozy, he witnesses CORDELIA as she steps in front of Gorch.

GORCH

…you too, you’re dead meat, ya’ hear?!

CORDELIA
(incredibly cool)

I hear you, you red-neck moron. You
got a little dress goes with that hat?

PUSH IN ON GORCH – turning red with fury.

GORCH
I’m gonna —
CORDELIA

I know, rip out my innards, play with
my eyeballs, boil my brain and eat it

for brunch — now listen up, needle-
brain, Buffy and I have taken out

four of your cronies, including your girlfriend —

GORCH
WIFE!
CORDELIA

— whatever, point is, I haven’t even
worked up a sweat. See in the end
Buffy’s good, but she’s just the
runner-up. I’m the Queen. If I get
mad, what do you think I’m gonna do to you?

Gorch looks from Cordy to Buffy and the dust pile on the floor. Cordy has psyched him out.

GORCH
Later!

He runs out. Giles manages to get to his feet. Moves up behind her.

GILES
That was…
She spins around, freaked, nearly hits him in the face.
CORDELIA
Bah!

INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Mr. Trick is ‘helped’ inside by the cops, who shut the door, leaving Trick alone with the mayor.

MAYOR
Hello. It’s nice to meet you.
MR. TRICK
(non-plussed)

Yeah, hi, what a pleasure. Where am I?

MAYOR

In my office. I’m Richard Wilkins,
I’m the Mayor of Sunnydale. And
you’re Mr. Trick. Please sit down.

Trick does, as the mayor sits behind his desk.
MAYOR
That’s an exciting suit.
MR. TRICK
Clothes make the man.
MAYOR

As I understand it you’re not a man
exactly. Mr. Trick, I’ve been mayor
for quite some time. I like things
to run smoothly. You see, this is a
very important year for me.
MR. TRICK
Election year?
MAYOR
(smiling)
Something like that.
MR. TRICK

If this is the part where you tell me
I don’t fit in your quiet little
neighborhood you can skip it ’cause
that all got old before I was a
vampire, you know what I’m saying?

MAYOR
Do you have children?
MR. TRICK
None living. I think I got some
descendants in Gainsburg or somewhere.

MAYOR
Children are the heart of a
community. They have to be looked
after. Controlled. The more
rebellious element needs to be dealt with.

MR. TRICK
I see…
MAYOR
The children are our future.
We need them. I need them.
MR. TRICK
Well, if the ‘rebellious element’
means who I think it does, that
problem may take care of itself this

very night.
MAYOR

So I’ve heard. Very enterprising
idea of yours, SlayerFest. That’s
the kind of initiative I need on my team.

MR. TRICK

And what if I don’t want to be part of the team?

MAYOR

Oh no, that won’t be an issue. You
and I are going to get along very well.

He reaches into his desk, offers:

MAYOR
Moist towelette?

INT. LIBRARY – NIGHT
Buffy holds an ice pack to her head. Cordy sits, still looking a little woozy.

GILES
(to Buffy)

You should have seen Cordelia.

BUFFY
(to Cordy)

Teach ’em to mistake you for a slayer.

GILES

I feel somewhat to blame for that, I
did give your friends tacit approval
to pull the switch in the limousine…

BUFFY

It wasn’t all bad, Cor and I spent
some quality death time.
CORDELIA

And we got these free corsages.

GILES

I don’t recall them saying anything
about corsages…
BUFFY
No?

Buffy takes off her corsage, studies it.

BUFFY

… Jungle Bob said the Germans were
hooked into a computer system…

INSERT – CORSAGE IN BUFFY’S HAND – SHE TURNS IT
Upside down, peels back a petal. We see a small microchip.
BUFFY (O.S)
… and they’re hooked into us.

Suddenly they hear an exterior door SLAM O.S
CORDELIA
Oh God! Get rid of that thing.

BUFFY
Give me yours.
(thinks)

I need some wet toilet paper.
CORDELIA
Oh yeah, that’ll help.

INT. SCHOOL HALL – NIGHT
Frederick and Hans lower their night vision goggles, raise their AR-15 semi-automatic rifles with laser
sights, move out.
NIGHT VISION GOGGLE POV
The empty hall, eerie in the green night vision light, blurry shapes of things.
INT. OLD MAN’S MANSION – NIGHT
The Old Man at his computer, speaks into his headset.
OLD MAN
(excited)
They’re fifty feet away!

ON HIS COMPUTER SCREEN – two red dots, next to each other, growing larger as:
INT. SCHOOL HALL – NIGHT
Buffy bursts out of the library, runs across their path. They fire! They miss. Frederick motions to
Hans — Hans nods, heads off after Buffy, Frederick holds his ground in the hall as:

OLD MAN (O.S)
I have them, axis six degrees by
thirty-three…
Frederick turns his gun towards the door the classroom.
INT. SCHOOL HALL – BACK DOOR TO CLASSROOM – NIGHT
Hans rounds the corner, just sees Buffy entering the classroom. He follows.
INT. CLASSROOM – NIGHT
Dark, scary. Hans enters, looks around. Buffy rears up. IN HER HAND we see the two corsages,
wrapped in a bunch of wet tissue. She flings them like a ball across the room — they splat and stick
on Hans’s back. He spins around as —

INT. OLD MAN’S MANSION – NIGHT
ON HIS COMPUTER SCREEN – red dots, large, right next to each other.

OLD MAN

Both targets, axis seven degrees…

INT. SCHOOL HALL – NIGHT
Frederick aims his gun at the door.

OLD MAN (O.S)
… by thirty-five. Fire! Fire!

INT. SCHOOL HALL – NIGHT
Frederick fires! Blasting right through the wall — hitting:
INT. CLASSROOM – NIGHT
Hans, who spins and instinctively returns fire.
INT. SCHOOL HALL – NIGHT
Frederick hits the floor, dead.
INT. CLASSROOM – NIGHT
Hans hits the floor, dead.
INT. OLD MAN’S MANSION – NIGHT
He watches, breathless, as the two red dots on his screen go out. The old bastard can’t believe his
eyes:

OLD MAN
I won!

INT. BRONZE – NIGHT
A lot of excitement in the room, heads turn to watch:
ON STAGE – Devon, envelope in hand, taps the mic, it feeds back terribly.

DEVON

Okay guys, it’s the moment we’ve all
been waiting for…

Willow, Xander, Oz in the crowd, concerned.

WILLOW

They’re gonna announce the Queen,
where are they? What’s taking them so long?

OZ
(sees something O.S)
I’m gonna go with mud wrestling…

They follow his gaze to: Buffy, Cordelia and Giles arriving. Buffy and Cor still with the torn dresses,
the messed up makeup and hair. Faith joins Willow, Xander and Oz as Buffy, Cor and Giles move up.

XANDER

Oh God, what’d you do to each other?

BUFFY
Long story.

CORDELIA
Got hunted.
BUFFY
Apparently not that long.
(cont’d)

I’ll tell you though, you don’t ever
want to cross Cordy.
XANDER
Heh, heh — no.

DEVON ON STAGE

DEVON

In this envelope I hold the name of
this year’s Homecoming Queen.
Shows audience envelope. They clap and cheer. Some boo and jeer.
PUSH IN ON BUFFY AND COR
Two war-hardened veterans.

CORDELIA

You know, after all we’ve been through

tonight, this whole who-gets-to-be-
Queen-capade seems pretty…

BUFFY
… damn important.
CORDELIA
Oh yeah.

Devon tears open the envelope.

DEVON

And the winner is… Hey, I believe
this is a first for Sunnydale High…

we have a tie!

Cordelia and Buffy look at each other and share a weary, warm smile.

DEVON

Holly Charleston and Michelle Blake!

Michelle and Holly, fighting tears, shove their way past Buffy and Cor, heading for the stage and
glory.
CORONATION MUSIC, confetti and balloons; Devon holds the crown over both their heads. Crowd
cheers.
BUFFY AND CORDELIA – trade a look. After a moment, they head out the door together.

MICHELLE

I’m just so honored, I can’t believe
it! I mean, that you would have chosen
me — us — out of all the girls in
school…it’s just so…wonderful!

BLACK OUT.

MICHELLE (O.S)
I have so many people to thank, I
don’t know where to begin!

END OF SHOW

Transcripts

Prologue

The Bronze. Buffy, Willow and Oz are sitting at a bar, nursing sodas and
snacks. Buffy seems preoccupied as she idly plays with a cookie.
Cordelia and Xander walk behind them and take a place at the end of the
bar.
Cordelia: I think we should get a limo.
Xander: A limo?
Cordelia: Yeah!
Xander: A big, expensive limo?
Willow: That sounds like fun! And it is our last Homecoming Dance, so
maybe we should make a big deal of it.
Xander: You wanna talk fun? Public bus. You meet the funnest people.
Cordelia gives the others a disbelieving look.
Xander: Back me up here, Oz.
Oz: Well, if it’s a dollar issue, we could all take my van.
Cordelia: Van? The Homecoming Queen doesn’t go to the dance in a van.
Use your head.
Willow rolls her eyes.
Xander: (to Cordelia) Well, technically, you haven’t been elected
yet… (gets a look from her) Although you certainly and without a doubt
will be. (to the others) Who else likes a limo?
Willow: (smiles) A private limo! It, it is pretty… (nudges up to Oz)
cuddlesome. (looks toward Buffy) And if we all split the cost…
Buffy: (comes out of her reverie) Um… maybe. You know, if I go and

all.
Willow: Why wouldn’t you go? You already have your tickets. (Scott
approaches) I mean, unless you don’t have a da… (notices Scott) …ay
o-or two to think about it. We should all think about it.
She hopes she hasn’t messed anything up for Buffy with Scott standing
right there. Oz gives a little smirk behind her.
Cordelia: (confused) What’s going on here? Did Scott not ask her to the
Homecoming Dance yet?
Buffy: (embarrassed) Thanks, Cordelia. Humiliation’s really good for my
color.
Scott: (unsure) Oh, um… well, no. I just… I assumed that you would
think it was corny or something, but I-I’m in… I mean, you know, if
you are, if you want to.
Buffy: Uh, sure… I do. You know, i-if you want to.
Scott: Well, I do if you want to.
Willow smiles widely.
Oz: (smiles) The judges will accept that as a ‘yes’.
Scott: (to Buffy) Do you want me to get you another drink?
Buffy: Um… no, actually. Uh… I-I’m a little tired. I think I’m
gonna call it a night. But I’m excited about the dance. (smiles)
Scott: Me, too.
Buffy leans toward him, tugs gently on his jacket and they kiss.
Cut to Angel’s mansion. Cut inside. There is a fire going in the
fireplace. Angel walks past it, and the camera follows him. He is
shivering from the cold. He stops and paces back. He turns to go back
again, but is startled by some rustling in the atrium. Slowly he walks
to the doorway. He quickly whips the drapes aside, and there he finds
Buffy, holding a small paper bag. He jumps back a little, startled.
Buffy: I-it’s just me. (holds out the bag) Here.
Angel takes the bag and opens it as he walks back into the room. Buffy
follows him in, but keeps her distance. Angel remains faced away from
her. He pulls a quart-sized clear plastic container out of the bag. It’s
filled with blood. Angel lifts it to his nose and sniffs.
Buffy: How are you feeling?
Angel jerks his head away slightly from the tub of blood, then lowers it
to take off the lid.
Angel: It hurts… less.
Buffy: Good.
She is unsure how to continue. She turns around and takes a few steps
away before facing him again.
Buffy: I haven’t… told Giles and the others that… you’re back.
Angel: (quietly) Giles…
He remains faced away from her.
Buffy: And I’m not going to. They wouldn’t understand that you’re…
better. A-a-and I’m gonna keep helping you get better. It’s just that

everything’s different now. I’m a senior. I’m really working harder in
school. (smirks slightly) I’m even thinking about college. A-and I’m
involved with someone.
This causes Angel to turn around and give her a surprised look. Buffy
startles and takes a step back. He reaches out and straightens the lapel
of her leather jacket. Buffy takes it from him, and he lets go. He turns
away again, wincing from his body aches as he does so.
Buffy: His name is Scott. He’s a nice, solid guy. He makes me happy…
and that’s what I need: someone I can count on.
The camera suddenly pans quickly to the left, blurring the picture, and
comes to a stop on Scott at an outside hall at school the next day.
Scott: I don’t think we should see each other anymore.
Buffy: (taken aback) You don’t? (confused) When did this happen? Where
was I?
Scott: Buffy, it’s just… Before we were going out, you, you seemed
so… full of life, like a force of nature. Now you just seem distracted
all the time, and…
Buffy: (interrupts) Yeah, I know, it’s… I’m getting better. Honest.
In fact, from here on, you are gonna see a drastic distraction
reduction.
Scott doesn’t react at all to her attempt at a joke.
Buffy: ‘Drastic distraction reduction.’ Try saying that ten times fast.
Scott: I’m really sorry.
He starts walking away sadly. Buffy just watches him go as the camera
pulls back from her.
Cut to a view of her through a pair of binoculars. She is still watching
Scott walk away. Cut to a van with darkly tinted windows in a parking
lot. The camera closes in on it. Cut inside the van. The man looking
through the binoculars lowers them and stares intensely out of the
window. Behind him another man steps around him, also looking out the
window. The first man raises the binoculars back to his eyes, and the
second man attaches a digital video feed to it. Behind them the
binocular’s view of Buffy appears on three small screens. The second man
reaches over to a modem set up below the monitors. It is attached to a
cell phone, which he opens, and he presses a button to establish a
connection. The speed dial sends the tones out in a split second.
Cut to a similar modem in a dark office. The tones and screeches of the
connection protocol quickly establish a link. The camera pans up and
back until we see an old man in a wheelchair roll up to the desk by the
keyboard of the computer connected to the modem. He hits a few keys and
looks up at the monitor.
Boss: Is that her?
Trick: (steps into view) In the nubile flesh, my friend.
The camera shows a view of Buffy on the monitor as she walks slowly and
sadly.
Trick: That’s the target.
Opening credits roll. Buffy’s theme plays.
~~ Part 1 ~~
Sunnydale City Hall. Cut inside. Deputy Mayor Allan Finch is waiting
nervously outside of Mayor Wilkins’ office.

Secretary: The Mayor will see you now.
Allan takes a deep breath to compose himself, and heads for the Mayor’s
door. Cut inside the office. Allan opens the door and steps in holding a
folder in his hand. He glances at the Mayor’s desk, but doesn’t see him
there. He turns his head and sees him coming out of his private
washroom. The Mayor’s hands come into the camera’s view as he vigorously
dries them off.
Allan: I’m sorry to bother you, sir. (closes the door behind him)
Mayor Wilkins: I’m not bothered, Allan. (goes to his desk)
Allan: (steps toward the desk) Well, I-I’m not sure how serious this
is, but, uh, (opens the folder) they were spotted in town three days
ago. (lays the open folder on the desk) I’ve just been informed.
Frederick and Hans Gruenstahler, uh, (the Mayor picks up a copy of the
Interpol warrant) wanted in Germany for capital murder, terrorism, uh,
(the Mayor sniffs the paper) the bombing of Flight 1402… Uh, I should
have brought it to your attention sooner, but I’d, I’d wanted to…
(flustered by the Mayor’s sniffing) confirm…
The Mayor takes another sniff.
Mayor Wilkins: Would you show me your hands, please?
Allan: (raises his eyebrows) Sir?
Mayor Wilkins: (insistently) Your hands.
He puts the warrant back down, pushes the file aside and indicates that
Allan should put his hands on the desk. Allan holds out his hands and
slowly leans over, placing them flat on the desk. The Mayor leans closer
to inspect them. Allan nervously watches the Mayor, who draws a breath
after looking them over.
Mayor Wilkins: I think they could be cleaner.
Allan: Of course, sir. I-I mean, I, I washed them, but…
The Mayor leans back in his chair. Allan looks like he’s about to have a
nervous breakdown.
Mayor Wilkins: After every meal and under your fingernails. Dirt gets
trapped there… and germs… and mayonnaise. My dear mother said,
‘cleanliness is next to godliness’, and I believed her. She never caught
a cold. (laughs) I’d like these two (points at the warrant) to be put
under surveillance, (Allan straightens back up) and I’d like to know
if… any other colorful characters have come to town.
Allan: I’ll take care of it. (smiles weakly)
Mayor Wilkins: You have all my faith.
Allan takes a step back from the Mayor’s desk and walks out just a bit
creeped out.
Cut to Sunnydale High. Cut to the lounge. Yearbook pictures are being
taken. Cordelia gives the camera a glowing smile, and her picture is
taken. Xander is up next, and he gives the camera a goofy, heavily
dimpled smile as the flash goes off. Willow hops up on the stool and
gives the camera a big grin. When the photographer doesn’t immediately
snap her picture, her expression becomes a bit concerned, and such will
be her picture in the yearbook. Oz just stares blankly into the camera
with a thin smile on his face. After their pictures are taken, Xander
and Willow start to walk out of the lounge.
Willow: You have to help me pick an outfit. I wanna wear something that
makes Oz go, ‘Oh.’ (grins)

Xander: No problem. I got the tux goin’ on. I’m gonna look hot if it
even remotely fits.
They reach Cordelia, who is looking at the other girls that are running
for Homecoming Queen.
Xander: Whatcha doin’?

Cordelia: (startles and faces him) Checking out the I-laughingly-use-
the-phrase competition.

She looks over at Holly, playing with her hair and talking to a couple
of boys. Oz comes up behind Willow and gently puts his arm around her.
Cordelia: Holly Charleston: nice girl, brain dead, doesn’t have a
prayer.
She shifts her gaze to Michelle, who is handing out campaign flyers.
Cordelia: Michelle Blake: open to all mankind, especially those with a
letterman’s jacket and a car. (looks at Xander, concerned) She could
give me a run. (crosses her arms)
Willow: Where’s Buffy? (Oz looks around) She’s gonna miss the yearbook
pictures.
Xander: Buffy and Faith are in the library getting all sweaty.
Cordelia: (corrects him) They’re training.
Xander: (gives her a look) I stand by my phrase.
Oz: I don’t think she was here the day they announced them. Did anybody
tell her?
Cordelia: Oh, I’ll tell her now. I have to go to the nurse’s office for
an ice pack anyway.
Xander: (puts his hand on her arm) Did you hurt yourself?
Cordelia: (smiles) No, silly. (nudges him) It shrinks the pores! (walks
off)
Oz gives Xander a look that oozes “duh”.
Cut to the library. Faith holds up her padded hands as Buffy throws
several punches to them. After a particularly hard punch, Faith has to
shake out her hand and take off the pads.
Faith: Oh, man! Guys should break up with you more often.
Buffy: Gee, thank you. (heads toward the book cage)
Faith: (follows) No, I mean it. You really got some quality rage going.
Really gives you an edge. (sets down the pads)
Buffy: (picks up her jacket) Edge Girl. (pulls it on) Just what I
always wanted to be.
Faith: (wipes her cheek with a towel) Well, screw him, alright? You
move on, and… you party heavily, and you’ll be fine. I mean, you’re
still going to that dance, right?
Buffy: (opens a juice bottle) Maybe. (takes a swallow)
Faith: You got the tix already. Why don’t we go together?
Buffy: (closes the bottle) I don’t know about that. (smiles)

Faith: Come on. We’ll find a couple studs, we’ll use ’em and… discard
’em. That’s always fun. (nods and takes a swig of her own drink)
Buffy: Okay, I’m in. Not the stud-using part, though. (smirks and rolls
her eyes) Or… probably not.
Cut to the hall. Cordelia looks into the library through the round door
windows, and sees the two Slayers talking. She pushes the door open and
is about to go in when she notices two boys walk by. She slips back into
the hall and rushes to catch up with them.
Cordelia: Uh, Bobby! Mashad! (smiles and giggles) You don’t phone, you
don’t write… (makes eyes at them) Where’s the love?
Cut to the quad. A teacher comes down the stairs while looking over some
reports. When she reaches the bottom, Buffy notices her and runs up to
her.
Buffy: Ms. Moran? (the teacher looks up) Hi! (smiles) I’m so glad that
I ran into you. (they walk slowly) Um, I had this little incident last
year of getting kicked out of school. And I’m back now, though, I’ve
done all of my makeup tests, but I still need one written recommendation
from a teacher. I think the word that Principal Snyder used was
‘glowing’. (smiles awkwardly) Uh, to put in my file so I can prove that
I belong here.
Ms. Moran: (confused) And, um, you are…?
Buffy: (taken aback) Buffy. B-Buffy Summers. (Ms. Moran tries to
remember) Third row. I sat by the window. Uh, your class: Contemporary
American Heroes from Amelia Earhart to Maya Angelou. The class that
changed my life?
Ms. Moran: Were you absent a lot, um…
Buffy: Buffy?
Cut to the cafeteria. Willow, Oz, Buffy and Xander are sitting at a
table. Buffy just stares off into space while the others pick at their
food. Cordelia walks into view holding out a flyer and touches a student
on the arm.
Cordelia: Hi. I hope you’ll consider me for Homecoming Queen.
She walks off, and the camera focuses on the group at the table again.
Buffy: I can’t believe it. My favorite teacher, and she didn’t even
remember who I was. I’m like a non-person. (to Oz) Am I invisible?
(waves her hand in front of him) Can you see me?
Oz: Big as life.
Buffy: At Hemery, I was Prom Princess, I was Fiesta Queen, I was on the
cheerleading squad. And the yearbook was, like, a story of me. Now it’s
senior year, and I’m going to be one crappy picture on one-eighth of one
crappy page.
Xander: (looks up from his plate) Uh, no, actually, you’re not.
Buffy: What do you mean?
Xander: Well, you, uh, missed the picture-taking.
Buffy: (eyes wide with surprise) When? (looks at Oz) Why?
Oz: We did ’em yesterday.
Willow: Didn’t Cordelia tell you?
Buffy settles her gaze on a campaigning Cordelia.

Cut to Cordelia handing a flyer to a student. Buffy approaches behind
her.
Cordelia: Thanks for your support. (smiles and turns around) Buffy, you
look so cute in that outfit.
Buffy: I’m not voting for you.
Cordelia: (curtly) Then make it snappy.
Buffy: How come you didn’t tell me they were doing the yearbook
pictures? (crosses her arms)
Cordelia: Didn’t I? Oh, I guess I forgot. What’s the big?
Buffy: It’s just… (exhales) You could’ve thought about somebody else
for thirty seconds, that’s all.
Cordelia: Hey, I am under a lot of pressure here.
Buffy: Oh, yeah, campaigning. Rough gig.
Cordelia: What would you know about it? Just because you were Guacamole
Queen when you were three doesn’t mean you understand how this works.
Buffy: Obviously, it involves handing out entirely lame flyers.
Cordelia: No. It involves being part of this school and having actual
friends.
Buffy takes offense, and glares at Cordelia.
Cordelia: Now, if it was about monsters, blood, and innards, then you’d
be a shoo-in. I’d like to see you try to win the crown.
Buffy: You would?
Cordelia huffs and walks around Buffy to leave.
Buffy: Then you will.
Cordelia stops in her tracks and turns to face her.
Cordelia: What does that mean?
Buffy: (faces her) I’m gonna show you how it’s done. I’m gonna run for
Homecoming Queen, and I’m going to win.
Cordelia: This is starting to be sad.
Buffy: Sorry, Cordy, but you have no idea who you’re messing with.
Cordelia: What? The Slayer?
Buffy: I’m not talking about the Slayer. I’m talking about Buffy.
You’ve awakened the Prom Queen within. And that crown is going to be
mine.
Cut to Trick’s house.
Trick: Competition. Competition is a beautiful thing. It makes us
strive. It… makes us accomplish. Occasionally, it makes us kill. We
all have the desire to win. (walks through the room) Whether we’re
human… (gestures to three men) vampire…
He nods to Lyle Gorch and his wife, then stops by a yellow-skinned
creature with a spiny ridge along the top of his head.
Trick: …and whatever the hell you are, my brother. You got them

spiny-looking head things. I ain’t never seen that before.
Kulak: I am Kulak, of the Miquot Clan.
Trick: Isn’t that nice. (continues walking) Point is, you’re all here
for the same reason.
Lyle: Well, it sure ain’t no philosophy class, now, is it?
His wife Candy smiles at him. Trick stops pacing and faces him.
Trick: Mr. Gorch, my account statement says that your deposit has not
yet been made.
Lyle: Well, me and Candy… we blowin’ our whole honeymoon stash on
this little game here.
He empties a bag of cash onto the table.
Trick: (unimpressed) They’re dirty.
Lyle: (smiles) They’re nonconsecutive.
Trick gives the money another look, and this time is impressed.
Trick: (to everyone) The games will begin in a few days’ time. The
first target, Buffy, you’ve all seen. The second, Faith, is… a little
more elusive. But they will both be together and ready for the killing,
and that is a money-back guarantee.
The Gorches smile.
Trick: Ladies, gentlemen, spiny-headed looking creatures, welcome to
SlayerFest ’98!
~~ Part 2 ~~
The Rosenberg house that evening. Cut to Willow’s room. “How”, by Lisa
Loeb, is quietly playing on the radio. Willow is trying on an outfit,
and steps out from behind her changing screen wearing a crimson blouse
over a white satin slip dress.
Willow: What do you think of this?
Xander glances over at her as he tucks his white, long-sleeve dress
shirt into his tuxedo pants. His bow tie hangs around his collar, still
untied.
Xander: (shrugs) Nice. (smiles)
He goes back to tucking in his shirt.
Willow: It’s my first big dance, you know? (unbuttons her blouse)
(smiles) Where there’s a boy and a band… and not just me alone in my
room pretending that there’s a boy and a band.
Lyrics: I didn’t come this far
Willow: (picks up another outfit) I just want it to be…
She goes back behind the changing screen as Xander steps over to her
dressing mirror to tie his bow tie.
Xander: Special. That’s why I spared no expense on the tux.
Willow: The tux? I thought you, uh, borrowed it from your cousin Rigby.
Lyrics: For you to make this hard for me.
Xander: (struggling with his tie) Expense to my pride, Will. They’re

our only relations with money, and they shun us… as they should.
Lyrics: And now you want to ask me ‘how’?
Willow steps out from behind the screen again, this time wearing a black
top embroidered with several randomly placed small sunflowers and a
smiling sun over a full-length black skirt with a floral print.
Willow: What do you think about this?
Lyrics: It’s like / How does your heart beat?
Xander: (looks and nods) Nice.
Lyrics: Why do you breathe?
He turns his attention back on his tie. Willow sees him struggle with it
and comes over to him, raising her hands along the way to reach for the
tie. Xander lets go of the tie, and she starts to tie it. She looks up
at him and gives him a little smile.
Lyrics: How does your heart beat?
Xander: What?
Lyrics: And why do you breathe?
Willow: (smiling) I was just…
Lyrics: Why did you come here?
Willow: Remember the eighth-grade cotillion? (giggles) You had that
clip-on?
Lyrics: You weren’t invited
Xander: Hey, I was pretty stylin’ with a clip-on.
Lyrics: And you’re on the outside
Willow: And now here we are, and it’s… Homecoming. (concentrates on
the tie)
Xander: Yeah, we should face it, Will.
Lyrics: Stay on the outside.
Xander: You and I are gonna be in neighboring rest homes while I come
over so you can adjust my, um…
Lyrics: And now you want to ask me ‘why’?
Willow raises her eyebrows at him.
Xander: My, uh… Well, I can’t think of anything that’s not really
gross.
Lyrics: It’s like / How does your heart beat?
Willow is finished with the tie and smiles at him. She pats the tie and
then goes back behind the screen to try on yet another outfit. Xander
pulls on his vest.
Lyrics: And how do you cry?
Xander: So, uh… you and Oz.
Lyrics: How does your heart beat?
Xander: How do I put this? (buttons the vest) Are we on first, second,

or, uh… ye gods?
Willow: That’s none of your business, Alexander Harris.
Her shadow on the screen shows her adjusting the shoulder straps of the
dress she’s putting on.
Lyrics: And there are some things that I like to figure out
Xander: (smiles) Ooo, rounding second. (reaches for his jacket)
Willow: (huffs) You don’t know that. What about you and Cordelia?
Lyrics: There are some things that I can do without
Xander: (pulls on the tuxedo jacket) Oh, a gentleman never talks about
his conquests.
Willow: Oh, yeah? (steps out from behind the screen) Well, since when
did you become a…
Lyrics: You and your letters are gone forever
They are both struck dumb when they see each other. She is wearing an
elegant black, sleeveless, full-length dress. Xander is looking dapper
in his tuxedo. They don’t say anything for a long moment. Willow finally
breaks the silence to finish her sentence.
Willow: …gentleman? (smiles and giggles)
She looks down at her dress, then back up at him and shrugs.
Willow: Uh, I know. ‘Nice.’
Xander: I was gonna go with ‘gorgeous’. (steps toward her)
Willow: (smiles) Really? (steps toward him) You, too. I-in a guy way.
Lyrics: With all the things that you could be
Xander: (smiles back and draws a breath) Oz is very lucky.
Willow: (smiling) So is Cordelia… i-in a girl way.
Lyrics: You never could learn how to be me.
Suddenly Willow looks very worried.
Willow: I don’t know if I can dance in this. I don’t know if I can
dance!
Xander: Come on. Piece of cake.
He steps up to her and offers his hands to dance.
Xander: Here.
Lyrics: And now you want to ask me ‘how’?
They take a few seconds to get positioned for a traditional slow waltz,
and then start to dance.
Xander: Well, that seems to, um…
He looks down at their feet as they sway back and forth for a little
while. Willow looks up at him, but tries not to look like she is.
Lyrics: It’s like / How does your heart beat? / Why do you breathe?
Willow: Yeah. This shouldn’t be a… problem.

Lyrics: How does your heart beat?
Xander: No.
They slowly inch closer to each other.
Lyrics: Why do you breathe?
Xander: No problem.
Lyrics: How does your heart beat? / Why do you breathe?
He slowly leans his head down to her, and she responds by angling hers
up to him. They are soon very close, and kiss gently. The kiss goes on
for several seconds before they realize what they are doing and quickly
jump apart.
Lyrics: How do you breathe?
Xander: (points at her) That didn’t just happen!
Willow: No! (gestures nervously) I mean, it did, but it didn’t!
Xander: Because I respect you. And Oz. And I would never…
Willow: (furrows her brow) I would never, either! I-it must be the
clothes. I-it’s a fluke.
Xander: It’s a clothes fluke, that’s what it is. And there’ll be no
more fluking.
Willow: Not ever.
They step closer again, and are about to kiss when they jump apart
again.
Xander: We gotta get out of these clothes!
Willow: Right now!
They quickly realize the implication of what they just said, and get all
flustered and gesture wildly.
Xander: Oh, I didn’t mean…
Willow: I didn’t… me, either!
She rushes back behind her screen. Xander hastens the other way.
Cut to Sunnydale High the next day.
Buffy: A campaign is like a war. It’s won or lost in the trenches.
Cut to the library, where Buffy has the large whiteboard arrayed with
pictures of Cordelia, Michelle and Holly. Next to each picture is a
thermometer filled in red up to their perceived levels of popularity.
Below each picture is a list of strengths and weaknesses for each girl.
Buffy walks past the board, pointing at each picture with a pointer
stick as she goes by.
Buffy: Holly, Michelle, and our real competition, Cordelia, all have
big head starts. (sets down the pointer) Speaking of big heads, if I had
a watermelon as big as Cordelia’s, I’d be rich.
She smiles at Xander, Willow and Oz, who are sitting on the table
fidgeting nervously and looking as though they are desperate to get out
of there. They don’t react to Buffy’s joke at all. Her smile fades.
Buffy: Waits for laugh…

She gives up waiting for a response and takes a few steps along the
board.
Buffy: Okay, you’re right. Making fun of the competition only makes me
seem petty. Now, this is just like any other popularity contest. I’ve
done this before. The only difference being this time, I’m not actually
popular. Although, I’m not exactly unpopular. A lot of people came to my
welcome home party.
Willow: But they were killed by zombies.
Buffy: (points at her) Good point. Okay, (steps up to them) here’s the
plan. Willow, I need you to make a database. See who’s for us, who’s on
the fence and where our real crisis areas are. Oz, you take the fringe:
musicians, those not normally inclined to vote. Xander, what…
She notices Cordelia coming into the library. Cordelia looks at them,
wondering what’s going on and crosses her arms.
Buffy: Uh, Cordelia… Okay, look. I know this is a little awkward, but
I don’t see any reason why we all can’t get along during this campaign
time. (Cordelia shrugs and nods) I mean, we’re… almost friends, and…
we are all riding together in the limo.
Cordelia: Yeah, great. Willow, how’s that database coming?
Willow: (looks down in shame) Uh, it’s… just about done. (sighs)
Cordelia: (insistently) Xander?
Xander: (whips his head around to face her) I got your new flyers.
(smiles thinly)
Cordelia: Let’s get cracking.
Buffy gives them all a betrayed look. Xander slips off of the table.
Xander: (to Buffy) She’s my girlfriend. (goes to Cordelia)
Willow slides off of the table also, and gestures and shrugs a lot when
she looks at Buffy on her way to join Xander and Cordelia.
Willow: It’s just that… she needs it so much more than you do.
Oz gets off of the table also, and stops by Buffy on his way after
Willow, pointing back and forth between Willow and himself.
Oz: As Willow goes, so goes my nation.
He goes over to stand with the others, who are hanging their heads in
shame and embarrassment behind Cordelia. Cordelia, by contrast, is
standing proudly erect, facing Buffy with her arms crossed.
Cordelia: Thanks for what you said, Buffy. I think we’re getting along
great. Don’t you?
Buffy takes it silently with a look of betrayal and abandonment evident
on her face. Cordelia turns and heads out of the library. The others
each give Buffy a quick apologetic glance and follow her out. Giles
walks into the area as Buffy goes to the table to get her bottle of
apple juice.
Giles: Seems like a lot of fuss for… one little title.
Buffy: Well, you know, it’s no fun if you don’t try your best. (takes a
drink)
Giles: As long as fun is still in the mix.

Buffy: (smiling) Sure! It’s not like anyone takes it that seriously.
The bottle in her hand suddenly shatters under the pressure of her grip.
Buffy gives Giles an innocent smile.
Cut outside to the quad. The Homecoming Queen campaigning is well under
way. “Fire Escape”, by Fastball, plays in the background as the camera
moves around, taking in various scenes of the girls trying to get votes.
Buffy talks to a small group of students while handing out fliers, then
looks over her shoulder at Cordelia. The camera pans over to Cordelia
glancing at Buffy. When she notices Buffy looking at her, she shifts her
attention to her own group of people, several of whom already have her
flyer.
Lyrics: Well, I don’t wanna be president
The camera pans again, and the scene dissolves to Trick’s abode and
Jungle Bob checking his rifle.
Lyrics: Superman or Clark Kent
He walks past the Gruenstahler brothers wrestling with each other.
Lyrics: I don’t wanna walk ’round in their shoes
The camera continues panning past Lyle and Candy Gorch kissing on a
couch.
Dissolve back to the quad at school. The camera pans across a bulletin
board on which Holly, Michelle and Cordelia each have a flyer posted.
Lyrics: ‘Cause I don’t know whose side I’m on
Buffy walks up to the board and posts her much larger flyer right on top
of Cordelia’s.
Lyrics: I don’t know my right from wrong
Cut to the Gruenstahler’s boss, checking maps and coordinates on his
computer.
Lyrics: I don’t know where I’m going to
Behind him his boys keep up with their training. Cut to Jungle Bob,
testing a bear trap. He sticks a mannequin leg into it, and the jaws
instantly snap shut, shattering the leg. Cut to Kulak. He raises his
arms and snaps them down so his forearms are extended out from him
horizontally at his waist.
Lyrics: I don’t know about you
Both of Kulak’s forearms split open from elbow to wrist, and a long,
serrated, green throwing weapon pops out of each arm and into his hands.
He roars and quickly heaves them both at a wall, where they both hit
within inches of each other.
Cut to the quad at school again. Buffy comes down the stairs with a
bounce in her step.
Lyrics: I’ll be the rain falling on your fire escape
At the bottom she fakes dropping her stack of flyers. Scott sees them
fall, and quickly kneels down to pick them up.
Buffy: Sorry.
Scott: Here.
He hands her the flyers, and they both stand back up.

Lyrics: And I may not be the man you want me to
Scott: (looks at the flyers) I heard you were doing this.
Buffy: Uh… yeah. It’s just something to pass the time.
Lyrics: I can be myself
Buffy: It’s silly, really.
Lyrics: How ’bout you?
Scott: I don’t think so. For what it’s worth, you have my vote.
Buffy: No, I don’t want you to feel… (reconsiders and smiles) Thank
you.
Scott nods his head back at her and leaves.
Lyrics: I don’t wanna make you mad
Buffy smiles to herself and pulls out her campaign notebook.
Lyrics: I don’t wanna meet your dad
She opens it to a list of names, and checks off Scott’s name.
Lyrics: I don’t wanna be your dream come true
She closes it, notices another boy coming and tosses her flyers on the
ground again, making like it was an accident. The boy bends down to pick
them up. Cut to a hall. Buffy is wearing a Sunnydale High team jacket
and talks to a group of athletes also wearing team jackets. They all
smile at her as she makes small talk with them.
Lyrics: ‘Cause I don’t know just what I’ve found
Cut to her campaign book. She checks off the name of Daryl Sancton. Cut
to the quad. Holly is about to offer a brownie to a boy when Buffy comes
up to him and gives him a huge chocolate cupcake. She gives him a
radiant smile, and then smiles smugly to herself as she walks off.
Lyrics: I don’t know my sky from ground
Cut to her campaign notebook. She checks off Leafe Small’s name.
Lyrics: I don’t know where I’m going to
Cut to the quad. After giving away two more chocolate cupcakes, Buffy
walks over to a column to post a flyer. Cordelia comes up to the two
students and smiles brightly as she hands them each a basket full of
sweets and chocolates.
Lyrics: I don’t know about you
Cordelia then holds open a bag for them to dump their cupcakes into.
Buffy watches as Cordelia steps over to a trashcan and drops the bag
into it. Cordelia gives her a smug look and smiles before walking off.
Cut to the halls. Willow looks at two flyers of Buffy and Cordelia
posted next to each other, sighs and starts to walk along the hall. She
only gets a few steps before she runs into Buffy.
Buffy: Hey.
Willow: (jumpy) Hi! How are you? You good? You look good. Anything new?
(smiles) Hey, did I mention you look good?
Buffy: Willow, it’s okay that you’re helping Cordelia. We’re best

friends. I’m not gonna hold it against you.
Willow: (whining) No, I’m not a friend. I’m a rabid dog who should be
shot! But there’re forces at work here! Dark, incomprehensible forces.
Buffy: And I’m sure they’re more important than all we’ve been through
together, or… the number of times that I’ve saved your life.
Willow: (looks at her imploringly) What do you want?
Buffy: Fifteen minutes alone on your computer with Cordelia’s database.
Willow: (gives in with a squeaky voice) ‘Kay.
She slides her backpack from her shoulder and sits at a table by a
window.
Buffy: (smiles) Good! Oh! (sits also)
Cut outside the window. The camera pulls back from it.
Buffy: So, I spoke to the limo people, and we’re all set.
Cut inside the Gruenstahler’s van. One of them is looking at them
through binoculars while the other has a parabolic listening device
trained on them and records their conversation.
Buffy: They’ll pick up Faith, then me, then swing by and get you guys.
Now, what’s your database tell you about my weaknesses?
Cut to a hall. Jonathon takes a big bite out of a chocolate cupcake as
he walks slowly along. The camera pulls back from him to show Buffy
walking with him with her arm around his shoulders.
Buffy: You know, Jonathon, I’ve always felt a special bond between you
and me.
Jonathon: (with his mouth full) Cordelia gave me six bucks. (they stop
walking) That buys a whole lotta cupcakes. (takes another bite)
Cut to another part of the hall where Cordelia is talking to another
group of students.
Cordelia: Are you kidding?
She holds up her hand with her fingers spread in the characteristic ‘V’
form of the Vulcan greeting.
Cordelia: I’ve been doing the Vulcan death grip since I was four.
She smiles at a guy and pokes him in the forehead a few times with her
spread fingers, blissfully unaware that she doesn’t know the first thing
about the Vulcan nerve pinch, not even its proper name. Buffy walks up
behind her with her arms crossed.
Buffy: So you really are giving out money, huh?
Cordelia: (turns to face her) Is that any more tacky than your faux
‘I’m shy but deep’ campaign posters?
Buffy: Yes.
Cordelia: This whole trying to be like me really isn’t funny anymore.
Buffy: I was never trying to be like you, and when was it funny?
Cordelia: I don’t see why your pathetic need to recapture your glory
days gives you the right to splinter my vote.
Buffy: (not believing what she’s hearing) How can you think it’s okay

to talk to people like this? Do you have parents?
Cordelia: Yeah. Two of them… unlike some people.
Buffy: (completely flabbergasted) Your brain isn’t even connected to
your mouth, is it?
Xander and Willow walk up behind Cordelia.
Cordelia: Why don’t you do us both a favor and stay out of my way?
She starts to walk past her, putting her hand on Buffy’s shoulder to
push her out of the way. Buffy grabs her hand and pulls it off of her.
Buffy: Don’t ever do that again.
Cordelia: (jerks her hand away) You’re sick, you know that?
Xander takes Cordelia by the arms from behind.
Xander: Okay, let’s not say something we’ll, uh, regret later…
Cordelia: (to Buffy) You crazy freak!
Buffy: Vapid whore!
Xander: …like that!
He pulls Cordelia away from Buffy.
Cordelia: (incensed) What did you call me?!
Xander quickly leads her away down the hall. Willow steps up to Buffy
looking extremely worried.
Willow: This is just…
Cut to Willow’s room later that afternoon. She paces behind Xander.
Willow: …the worst thing that’s ever happened. Ever!
She sits on her bed and crosses her arms and legs, looking down sadly.
Xander sits down next to her and puts his arm around her.
Xander: I know. I know. It’s just… when I look at you now, it’s like
I’m seeing you for the first time.
Willow: I’m talking about Buffy and Cordelia.
Xander: (yanks back his arm) Me, too.
Willow: (sighs) What are we gonna do? I mean, we have to do something.
This is all our fault.
Xander: How do you get from ‘chick fight’ to ‘our fault’?
Willow: (flustered) Because: we felt so guilty about the fluke, we
overcompensated helping Cordelia, and we spun the whole group dynamic
out of orbit, and we’re just a big meteor shower heading for Earth…
Xander: Okay, calm down. Let’s just put our heads together and think of
something. (Willow nods) (takes a breath) Okay, one of us here is pretty
darn smart, and I am…
Willow looks at him expectantly.
Xander: …just in Hell. I-I mean, I-I thought being a senior at last
and, and having a girlfriend at last would, would be a good thing.
Now, why wouldn’t that be a good thing?

He notices Willow’s gazed fixed on his mouth.
Xander: What?
Willow: Sometimes when you’re falling to pieces, your mouth, (reaches
up with her hand) it just does the sweetest thing. (smiles)
Xander reaches up with his hand, takes hers in it and lowers their hands
to his knee. He puts his other hand over hers as well.
Willow: What are we gonna do?
Xander: We just have to get the two of them communicating.
Willow: I’m talking about us.
They look at each other in silence.

Cut to Buffy’s house that night. She is wearing a bright red spaghetti-
strap evening gown with matching shoes and purse. She comes down the

steps from the porch and walks over to the limousine waiting for her in
the driveway. The driver holds open the door for her, and she gets in.
He closes the door. Buffy looks next to her and finds Cordelia sitting
there wearing a green satin dress with a corsage on her wrist.
Buffy: What’s going on here? Where’s Faith?
Cordelia hands her the card she found in the limo when she was picked
up. Buffy opens it and reads.
Dear Cordelia and Buffy,
We won’t be riding to the dance with you.
We want you to work out your problems
because our friendships are more important
than who wins Homecoming Queen.
Your friends.
P.S. The limo was not cheap. Work it out.
She folds the card closed and sets it down.
Buffy: Well…
She looks around and notices the corsage waiting for her in a small box
between them.
Buffy: They bought us corsages?
Cordelia: I took the orchid.
Buffy: (rolls her eyes) Okay.
The driver gets in and starts the car. The camera is in a close-up shot
of his ear, and he puts an earpiece into it as the camera pulls out to
reveal that the driver is one of the Gruenstahler brothers. He puts the
car in gear and drives off.
Cut to a lonely stretch of road in the woods. The limousine drives along
at a steady speed.
Cordelia: I don’t see what the big deal is.
Cut inside the limo.
Buffy: I’m not making a big deal. You wanted the orchid, you got the
orchid.
Cordelia: It goes with my complexion better.
The driver pulls the limo to the side of the road.

Buffy: It does have that sallow tint.
She notices the car stop.
Buffy: Finally we’re here.
They hear the driver’s door slam and his footsteps as he runs off. Buffy
gives Cordelia a concerned look. She opens her door and gets out of the
car. Cut outside. Cordelia gets out behind her and swings the door shut.
They look around, surprised to find themselves in the middle of the
woods.
Cordelia: What is this? (loudly) Okay, guys, we’ve had enough of your
stupid little game!
Buffy notices a VCR and a monitor waiting for them on a rock.
Buffy: What’s massively wrong with this picture?
They walk up to it. A sign on the VCR says “Press Play”, which Buffy
does. Trick appears on the screen.
Trick: Hello, ladies. Welcome to SlayerFest ’98.
Buffy and Cordelia stare at the monitor in disbelief.
Trick: What is a SlayerFest, you ask? Well, as in most of life, there’s
the hunters and the hunted. Can you guess where you two fall? From the
beginning of this tape, you have exactly thirty seconds–(checks his
watch) no, that’s seventeen now–to run for your lives. (smiles)
Cut to Cordelia.
Trick: Faith…
Cut to Buffy.
Trick: Buffy…
Cut to the monitor.
Trick: (smiling hugely) Have a nice death.
The picture fades to black, and the word “SlayerFest” appears in red and
white.
Cordelia: (to the woods around them) Hello! How stupid are you people?
(points at Buffy) She’s a Slayer. (puts her hand to her chest) I’m a
Homecoming Queen!
They hear a distant gunshot, and an instant later the monitor explodes.
Cordelia gasps in fright, and the two of them begin to run.
~~ Part 3 ~~
The Homecoming Dance at the Bronze. Dingoes Ate My Baby (Four Star Mary)
are on the stage performing “She Knows”. The camera is overhead looking
straight down on the drummer. It tilts up as it moves past Oz on his
guitar and Devon at the mic and out into the crowd.
Lyrics: She flies from a blinding light / And spirals to my heart
The camera closes in on Willow and Xander standing about three feet (1m)
apart. Willow has her hands folded in front of her and looks sad as she
watches the band play. Xander is idly nibbling on a finger sandwich
while looking down at the floor, seemingly deep in thought. Faith comes
up behind them.
Faith: What are you two so mopey about?

Lyrics: I try to find my mind to go / don’t know where to start
Xander: (looks at her) Oh, we’re not mopey. We’re groovin’. (points at
the stage) On Oz’s band. He’s a great guy, Oz.
Lyrics: Won’t ever, can’t ever find my sanity
Willow: He wrote this song for me.
Faith glances around and sees Scott behind her dancing with a girl.
Lyrics: Won’t ever…
Faith: (to Willow, indicating behind them) Sleazebag! (huffs and walks
off)
Lyrics: …can’t ever till I hear her calling for me
Giles finds them and rushes up behind them.
Giles: We have to find Buffy. Something terrible’s happened.
Willow and Xander look at him, but aren’t upset by this news.
Lyrics: She knows that, she knows that
Giles: (smiles) Just kidding. Thought I’d give you a scare.
Willow looks back at the band. Xander just stares at him.
Lyrics: She knows that side of me
Giles: (sees Xander’s sandwich) Are those finger sandwiches?
He goes off to find the buffet table to get a few sandwiches of his own.
Xander looks back at the band now, too.
Lyrics: I can’t help it, can’t help it
Cut to the woods. Buffy and Cordelia jog through it at a brisk pace.
Buffy scans the forest around them as they go. Cordelia just follows
her.
Cordelia: I have an idea. We talk to these people, we explain that I’m
not a Slayer, and they let me go.
They slow to a walk. Buffy ignores Cordelia’s comment, and keeps
scanning around them. Cordelia looks down and sees that Buffy is about
to step into a bear trap.
Cordelia: Look out!
With her fast Slayer reflexes, Buffy instantly lifts her foot back up,
and the trap snaps shut empty. Knowing someone must be near, Buffy grabs
Cordelia and pulls her to the ground as Jungle Bob takes aim with his
rifle.
Buffy: Get down!
He shoots and misses. Buffy grabs the sprung trap and hurls it at Jungle
Bob. It hits him hard, and he staggers back and steps into another bear
trap. He grunts when it snaps shut on his leg. Buffy hurries over to him
with Cordelia not far behind. She picks up his rifle and points it at
him.
Buffy: That’s gotta smart.
Jungle Bob tries to pry open the trap.
Buffy: Now, I can let you out of that, or I can put a bullet in your

head. How many are there in this little game, and what are they packing?
He just stares at her, refusing to speak. Buffy pumps a fresh round into
the gun’s chamber. This gives him cause to think again.
Jungle Bob: There’s me, two Germans with AR-15s and grenade launcher…
yellow-skinned demon with long knives… Vampire couple from Texas named
Gorch.
Buffy: That everybody?
Jungle Bob: Everybody who’s out here. Germans are wired. Their boss is
tracking them on computer. Now get me out of this!
Cordelia: Could I just ask you an eensy favor? Could you just tell
your friends that I’m not a Sl…
Cordelia screams and jumps back as Kulak’s serrated weapons slice into
the tree in front of her.
Cut to the Bronze. Giles selects a few finger sandwiches from the buffet
table.
Lyrics: Just a little more, just a little more
Behind Giles, Faith moves around the table, and the camera follows her
over to Scott. He is dancing slow and close with his date.
Lyrics: Just until I know what I’m feeling
Faith touches the couple, and they pull apart.
Faith: Scott? There you are, honey!
Lyrics: Just a little more
Faith: Hey, good news.
Lyrics: Just a little more / To find my sanity
Faith: (with lots of gesturing) The doctor says that the itching and
the swelling and the burning should clear up, (puts her hands on his
chest) but we gotta keep using the ointment.
Scott’s date isn’t sure what to make of that. Faith turns to her and
touches her on the shoulder.
Faith: Hi.
Lyrics: She knows that side is calling back for me
She turns back to Scott, grabs him by the lapels and gives him a little
pull. She lets go of him and walks away. Scott turns back to his date,
thoroughly embarrassed.
Scott: Uh…
The camera pans back across the buffet table to Giles. He chews on a
bite of his finger sandwich and steps over to Willow and Xander sitting
angled away from each other. Willow stares at the floor while Xander
leans his face into his fist.
Lyrics: I’ve lost my mind / I never believe
Giles: I suspect the, uh, finger food contains… actual fingers.
Xander gives him a quick disgusted glance. Willow just stares sadly at
the floor.
Lyrics: She knows that side…

Giles: I-I-I think I’ll retreat to the library until the coronation.
He gets no reaction from either of them.
Lyrics: …is calling back for me
Giles: I wanna be here when, when, when Buffy… Well, uh, however the
thing turns out for her.
Lyrics: I lost my mind til she’s calling for me
Giles: A-and that was a very fine thing you two did, putting Buffy and
Cordelia together.
Lyrics: She’s calling for me / She’s calling for me
He holds out the rest of his sandwich wrapped in a napkin out to Xander,
who idly takes it. Giles then heads out of the Bronze to go to his
library.
Lyrics: She knows that, she knows that
Willow keeps staring down at the floor with a big frown on her face.
Willow: We did one fine thing.
Lyrics: She knows that side of me
Xander: Yeah. They’ve been gone for a while. They must really be
getting’ into it.
Lyrics: I can’t help it
Cut inside a run-down cabin in the woods. Buffy kicks the door in, and
she and Cordelia rush in. Buffy holds Jungle Bob’s rifle in one hand as
she pushes the door shut with the other and pulls a chair over to
barricade it. She starts to go each window to close the shutters and
draw the drapes over them.
Buffy: We should be safe in here for a while. You need to find a
weapon.
Cordelia: (panting with fright) Safe? I’m not safe. I’m gonna die!
Buffy pulls back the drapes from another window to close its shutters,
but it comes loose in her hand and falls to the floor.
Buffy: (shrugs) Yeah, you are if you just stand there.
She pulls the drapes across to at least block the view and goes on to do
the rest of the windows.
Cordelia: (sobbing) I’m never gonna be crowned Homecoming Queen. I’m
never gonna graduate from high school. I’m never gonna know if it’s real
between me and Xander, or if it’s just… (sobs) some temporary insanity
that made me think… (sobs) I loved him. (sobs) And now I’m never gonna
get the chance to tell him.
Buffy allows her attention to be diverted by Cordelia for a moment. She
sighs and goes over to her.
Buffy: Yes, you are. We are gonna get out of here, and we are gonna
head back to the library, where Giles and the rest of the weapons live.
Then I’m gonna take out the rest of these guys just in time for you to
congratulate me on my sweeping victory as Homecoming Queen. (heads
back to a window)
Cordelia: I know what you’re up to. (Buffy turns back to face her) You
think if you get me mad enough, I won’t be so scared. And, hey! It’s

working! Where’s a damn weapon?
She looks around and sees an end table with drawers, walks over to it
and starts searching for anything that she can use. Buffy resumes her
surveillance at the window.
Buffy: You really love Xander?
Cordelia: Well, he kinda grows on you, like… a Chia Pet.
She finds a spatula and takes it over to Buffy.
Buffy: That’s it?
Cordelia: Just this and a telephone.
Buffy: A telephone. And you didn’t think that’d be helpful?
Cordelia: No, this is better for…
She swings it a few times and realizes it probably won’t be of much use.
Cordelia: Oh. (exhales)
Cut to Trick’s place. The Gruenstahler’s boss is using his computer to
track the happenings in the woods.
Boss: You’re about to see why Daniel Boone and that idiot demon are
creatures of the past… and why I am the future. I’m picking up a
signal.
He zeros in on a grid on his computer map.
Boss: They’ve got a phone!
Cut to the cabin. Buffy is on the phone.
Buffy: If you get this message, Giles, get help and get out here…
The phone clicks and goes dead.
Buffy: Hello?
Cordelia: What happened?
Buffy: It went dead.
Cut to Jungle Bob in the woods. Kulak walks up behind him and watches
him grunt and struggle to pry open the bear trap.
Kulak: Want me to cut that leg off?
Jungle Bob: No, thanks.
Kulak gives him a disgusted grunt and walks off after the girls.
Cut to the Gruenstahler brothers. They are decked out all in black and
have their AR-15s raised and ready, listening to their boss on their
headsets and scanning the area as they go.
Boss: Continue proceeding south ninety meters to vector three.
Cut to Giles’ office. He comes in, notices that there is a message for
him on his machine and presses the playback button. He takes a sip of
his tea as the machine rewinds briefly, beeps and plays Buffy’s message.
Buffy: Giles, it’s me… and Cordelia. We’re in a cabin in Miller’s
Woods, and we’re in big trouble.
Cut to the cabin. Cordelia sits down on a cot.

Cordelia: Why is it every time I go somewhere with you, it always ends
in violence and terror?
Buffy: (staring out a window) Welcome to my life.
Cordelia: I don’t wanna be in your life. I wanna be in my life.
Buffy: (looks back at her) Well, there’s the door. (points with the
rifle) Please feel free to walk out at any time and live your life.
She walks over to another window and looks out again.
Cordelia: All I wanted was to be Homecoming Queen.
Buffy turns to face her again and lowers the gun.
Buffy: And that’s all I wanted, too, Cordelia.
She sighs, looks down at her dress and heads back to the other window
again.
Buffy: I spent a year’s allowance on this dress. (looks out again)
Cordelia: I don’t even get why you care about Homecoming when you’re
doing stuff like this.
Again Buffy turns around to face her.
Buffy: Because this is all I do. This is what my life is. (lowers her
head and steps into the room) You couldn’t understand. (shrugs) I just
thought… Homecoming Queen. (smiles) (Cordelia keeps respectfully
silent) I could pick up a yearbook someday and say, I was there. I went
to high school, I had friends, and… for one moment, I got to live in
the world. (smiles) And there’d be proof. Proof that I was chosen for
something other than this.
Cordelia gives her an understanding look. Buffy raises the rifle in her
hands.
Buffy: Besides… (pumps the rifle) I look cute in a tiara.
Cordelia lets out a little laugh. Then they hear a growl outside of the
cabin.
Cordelia: Do you hear…
Suddenly Kulak comes crashing through a window. He immediately grabs
Buffy and throws her down onto an old mattress and pillow on the floor,
making her drop the rifle. She rolls out of the way as he swings at her
with his green serrated blades, and they just slice into the pillow.
Buffy rushes to the far wall and takes down a set of antlers to use for
defense. Kulak swings his blades at her while Cordelia slaps him on the
back with her spatula from behind. Buffy blocks the blades with the
antlers and shoves the antlers aside. Kulak goes down with them.
Buffy: Cor, the gun!
Kulak gets to his knees and takes a wide swing at Buffy, cutting her
slightly on the arm and making her fall.
Buffy: Ooh!
Cordelia finds the rifle on the floor and picks it up. Kulak stands up
and tries another swing, but Buffy grabs the end of the rug he’s
standing on and yanks it out from under him, making him fall backward
and hit the floor hard on his back. Cordelia has the gun raised now, and
waves it around looking for a target. Kulak gets back to his feet, and
Cordelia shoots but misses, hitting a bottle on a shelf instead.

Buffy: Cordelia, the spatula.
Cut outside of the cabin. The Gruenstahler boys sneak up on it. Cut to
their boss.
Boss: Prepare to launch.
Cut inside the cabin. Kulak takes a lunging swing at Buffy. She avoids
it and grabs the hanging lamp above her and uses it to support herself
to deliver a solid mid-air roundhouse kick to Kulak’s face. He goes
flying backward into a desk against the wall and falls to the floor.
Cut outside. One of the brothers loads a grenade into his launcher and
closes the chamber. Their boss gives them coordinates over their radio
feeds.
Boss: Target’s in range, ready your weapons. Y-axis fifty-three degrees
west by eight degrees south.
The assassin punches the coordinates into his targeting computer.
Cut inside. Cordelia tries to get Buffy’s attention.
Cordelia: Buffy!
Buffy looks over at her, and Cordelia tosses her the rifle. She aims it
at Kulak as he gets up from the floor. He roars and starts to come at
her. Buffy pulls the trigger, but the chamber is still empty from
Cordelia’s shot, so the hammer just clicks on nothing. Buffy quickly
raises the rifle above her head to block Kulak’s swing. His blade embeds
itself in the rifle’s stock, and Buffy twists it around, pulling Kulak’s
arm with it and pinning him down.
Cut to the Gruenstahler’s boss.
Boss: Launch!
Cut outside the cabin. The grenade is launched. Cut inside. The grenade
penetrates a window shutter and falls to the floor in front of Buffy and
Kulak. They look at each other and let go of the rifle. Buffy grabs
Cordelia and starts to run toward a window with her in tow. Kulak runs
for another window. Buffy and Cordelia both jump and crash through the
glass. Kulak jumps also, but his window is shuttered behind the curtain,
so he just bounces off of it and back into the room by the grenade. He
takes a quick, terrified breath.
Cut outside. Buffy and Cordelia run like mad. Behind them the cabin
explodes in a huge fireball, sending bits of debris flying everywhere
and knocking them to the ground. They both look up at each other,
panting.
Buffy: We gotta get back to the library.
They get up and start running through the woods. The Gruenstahlers begin
to track them.
Cut to the library. Lyle and Candy have the book cage open and have
found the weapons stash. A couple of battle-axes and a mace are on a
table. Candy loads a bolt into the crossbow, turns around and points it
at Lyle.
Lyle: Easy, darlin’. (nudges the weapon away) These things go through
you faster than Grandpa Pete’s chili.
Candy: I want to do Buffy: my weddin’ present for what happened to your
poor brother.
Lyle: Tector.
Candy: (impatient) When’s she comin’?

Lyle: (looks down at the floor) Well, he’s her Watcher. She’ll show…
just as soon as she gets rid of some of our competition.
The camera pans down to Giles lying unconscious on the floor.
~~ Part 4 ~~
Inside Trick’s house. The Gruenstahler’s boss is tracking Buffy and
Cordelia on his computer.
Boss: They’re heading west, back into town.
Trick: They got away?
Boss: Temporarily.
Trick: Well, give it up for the Slayers. They got character.
There’s a knock at the door.
Trick: I’ll take care of it.
He goes to answer the door. The boss keeps tracking the girls. Cut to
the door. Trick opens it. There he finds two police officers waiting.
Trick: Evening, gentlemen. How may I help you?
Without a word the two officers grab him and drag him out of the house.
Trick: Excuse me! Anybody got a warrant here?
Cut to the halls at the school. Buffy and Cordelia come around a corner
and head for the library.
Buffy: Jungle Bob and spike-head are down and out. We’ve lost the
Germans twice, but they seem to keep finding us. If we take them out and
the Gorches, we can still make Homecoming.
Cordelia: Those animals! Hunting us down like poor defenseless… well,
animals.
They walk into the library.
Buffy: We just need to find Giles…
Candy roars and grabs Buffy by the arm. She swings her around and lets
go, but Buffy maintains her balance and doesn’t fall. Candy does a
roundhouse kick to Buffy’s face, making her stagger a bit. She grabs
Buffy by the back of the neck and shoves her into a bookcase, bringing
her head down onto the shelves and breaking several of them as she falls
to the floor. Lyle smiles at Candy’s clever move, but Buffy does a sweep
kick, knocking Candy’s legs out from underneath her and making her fall
also. Buffy scrambles to her feet. Cordelia gets her attention.
Cordelia: Buffy!
She tosses the spatula to Buffy, who grabs it in mid-air and turns to
face Candy with it. Candy grabs the coat rack as she gets up. Buffy
lunges at Candy with the handle of the spatula and impales her on it.
Candy shoves the base of the coat rack into Buffy’s face and makes her
stumble back into the walls. She falls over a wastebasket and into a
potted tree before falling to the floor unconscious. Candy drops the
coat rack and notices the spatula sticking out of her chest. Lyle’s face
takes on a look of terror.
Lyle: Candy!
She burst into ashes before his eyes.

Lyle: Oh, Candy…
He heads for Buffy on the floor. Cordelia calmly steps over and heads
him off.
Lyle: I’m gonna kill both you Slayers for this! You hear me?
Cordelia: I hear you, you redneck moron. You got a dress that goes with
that hat?
Lyle: (furious) I’m gonna…
Cordelia: Rip out my innards, play with my eyeballs, boil my brain and
eat it for brunch? Listen up, needle-brain. Buffy and I have taken out
four of your cronies, not to mention your girlfriend.
Lyle: WIFE!
Cordelia: Whatever. The point is, I haven’t even broken a sweat. See,
in the end, Buffy’s just the runner-up. I’m the Queen. You get me mad,
(gets in his face and glares at him) what do you think I’m gonna do to
you?
Lyle is taken aback by that, and considers his next move. Cordelia
raises her eyebrows at him impatiently. Lyle thinks better of taking her
on and gives her a quick nod.
Lyle: Later.
He cautiously edges his way around her and heads out of the library.
Giles wakes up and gets up from the floor. Cordelia smiles, impressed
with herself.
Cut to later in the library. Buffy is awake again, and Giles starts to
deal with the mess left by the Gorches.
Buffy: (to Cordelia) That should teach him to mistake you for a Slayer.
Giles: Yes, I must admit I do feel partly responsible. I did give your
friends tacit approval to make the switch in the limousine.
Buffy: Aw, it’s okay. It gave Cor and I a chance to spend some quality
death time.
Cordelia: And we got these free corsages. (looks at hers)
Buffy pulls hers out to look at it.
Giles: Oh, that’s nice. Although I don’t recall them mentioning
corsages.
Buffy: Jungle Bob… said that the Germans were hooked into a computer
system.
She gives her corsage a more thorough inspection. Inside she finds a
small transmitter.
Buffy: And they’re hooked into us.
They both look up when they hear a door slam out in the halls. Cut to
the halls. The Gruenstahler brothers make their way in, scanning around
with their laser-sighted rifles. Cut into the library. Cordelia quickly
pulls her corsage off and gives it to Buffy.
Cordelia: Oh, God, get rid of these things!
Buffy: (to Giles) I need some wet toilet paper.
Cordelia: (sarcastically) Yeah! That’ll help.

Cut to the halls. The brothers pull on their night vision goggles and
continue to scan and advance into the dark halls. Their boss talks over
their com links.
Boss: Transmitting coordinates now.
Cut to their boss tracking them.
Boss: They’re fifty feet away.
Cut to the halls as seen looking through the night vision goggles.
Suddenly Buffy runs across the hall. They try to trace her and fire, but
they can’t follow her fast enough with their aim. They hold their fire,
and one of them signals the other to advance. Around the corner Buffy
ducks into a classroom. The one follows her in. The other listens to his
boss’ instructions and takes aim through a wall.
Boss: Axis six degrees by forty-three.
Cut to their boss, still tracking.
Boss: I have them both in range.
Cut inside the classroom. The assassin scans around in the dark room,
but can’t see anything. Cut to the hall. The one out there moves his
rifle according to his instructions.
Boss: I have the targets together, twenty feet north and stationary.
Final position is locked. Fire when ready.
Cut inside the classroom. The assassin keeps scanning as he walks
through the room.
Boss: Both targets seven degrees by thirty-five.
Buffy rises up from behind a low bookcase. She throws a wad of wet
toilet paper with the transmitters, and it hits the assassin on his
back. He spins around to look what direction he was hit from.
Boss: Adjust! Right ten degrees! Fire!
Cut to the hall. The assassin there starts to shoot through the wall.
Cut to the room. The other one turns toward the fire and shoots back.
They keep shooting at each other through the wall until they hit each
other and die.
Cut to their boss. The targets on his screen disappear, and he assumes
that his targets have been eliminated.
Boss: (smiles) I won!
He chuckles and snaps his fingers in triumph.
Cut to the classroom. Buffy looks at the destroyed windows from behind
the cover of the bookcase.
Cut to city hall. Cut to the Mayor’s office. A police officer escorts
Trick in and shoves him to the center of the room. Mayor Wilkins looks
up, smiles and offers his hand in greeting.
Mayor Wilkins: Hello! Nice to meet you.
Trick: (ignores the hand) Yeah, hi, it’s a pleasure. Where am I?
Mayor Wilkins: (withdraws his hand) In my office. I’m Richard Wilkins.
I’m the Mayor of Sunnydale. And you’re… (points at him) Mr. Trick.
(indicates a chair) Please, sit down.
He walks around to the other side of his desk. Trick takes a seat.

Mayor Wilkins: That’s an exciting suit.
Trick: Well, clothes make the man.
Mayor Wilkins: Well, as I understand it, you’re not a man… exactly.
(Trick nods) Mr. Trick, I’ve been the Mayor for quite some time. I like
things to run smoothly. This is a very important year for me.
Trick: Election year.
Mayor Wilkins: Something like that.
Trick: If this is the part where you tell me that I don’t fit in here
in your quiet little neighborhood, you can just skip it ’cause, see,
that all got old long before I became a vampire. Do you know what I’m
saying?
Mayor Wilkins: Do you have children? (Trick just smiles) Children are
the heart of a community. (walks around his desk again) They need to be
looked after. Controlled. (sits on his desk) The more rebellious element
needs to be dealt with. The children are our future. We need them. I
need them.
Trick: If this rebellious element means who I think it does, then that
problem may be taken care of this very night.
Mayor Wilkins: So I’ve heard. (chuckles) That’s a very enterprising
idea you have: SlayerFest. (laughs) I love that name, by the way. You
see, that’s the kind of initiative I need on my team.
Trick: What if I don’t wanna be a part of the team?
Mayor Wilkins: Oh, no, that won’t be an issue.
Trick just gives him an even stare. The Mayor reaches onto his desk for
a thin plastic box and opens the lid.
Mayor Wilkins: See, you and I are gonna get along very well. (offers
the box to Trick) Moist towelette?
Cut to the Bronze. The time to announce the Homecoming Queen has
arrived. The band’s drummer gives a brief drumroll to get everyone’s
attention as Devon steps up to the mic.
Devon: Hey, guys, the moment we’ve all been waiting for.
Cut to the crowd. Devon goes on with some minor announcements before
naming this year’s queen. Willow gives Oz a concerned look.
Willow: They’re gonna announce the Queen. Where are they? What’s
keeping them?
Oz notices Buffy and Cordelia work their way through the crowd behind
them. They are still dirty and disheveled from their ordeal.
Oz: I’m gonna go with mud wrestling.
Xander: Oh, God! What did you two do to each other?
Buffy: Long story.
Cordelia: Got hunted.
Buffy: Apparently not that long.
Willow looks at the two of them in disbelief.
Buffy: Tell you one thing, though: you don’t wanna mess with Cordelia.
Xander: (laughs and gets a look from Cordelia) No.

Another drumroll gets their attention.
Devon: In this envelope, I hold the name of this year’s Homecoming
Queen.
He gets a few calls from the crowd. Before opening the envelope he makes
another announcement about an after-party.

Cordelia: After all that we’ve been through tonight, this whole who-
gets-to-be-queen capade seems pretty…

Buffy: Damn important.
Cordelia: Oh, yeah.
Devon: And the winner is…
He opens the envelope and checks the name.
Devon: Hey, I believe we have a first for Sunnydale High. We have a
tie.
Buffy and Cordelia exchange a look and smile.
Devon: The winners are Holly Charleston and Michelle Blake!
Buffy and Cordelia’s smiles fade. Michelle and Holly push between them
to get to the stage. Everyone in the crowd applauds as the two queens
make their way to the stage. Cordelia and Buffy can’t believe it. On the
stage Devon holds up the Homecoming tiara, and waves it first over
Michelle’s head, then Holly’s. The crowd continues to applaud. Michelle
steps up to the mic.
Michelle: I’m just so honored! (giggles)
Buffy and Cordelia exchange another look, roll their eyes and turn to
go.
Michelle: I can’t believe it! I mean, that you would pick me… or
us… out of every girl in the whole school! It’s just… it’s so
wonderful!
Cordelia rolls her eyes again as the two of them leave.
Michelle: (starts to weep) I promised myself I’m not gonna cry…

Marianne LeBlanc
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