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Buffy’s S.A.T. is coming up, so Giles helps her study for it at the cemetery while waiting for any vampires to rise from their graves. At City Hall, Mayor Wilkins enlists Mr. Trick’s aid for an upcoming tribute to a demon. Mr. Trick just so happens to know a man who can help them.
The next morning, Principal Snyder enlists students to sell candy in order to raise money for Sunnydale High’s marching band, and Buffy and the gang are at the top of Snyder’s recruitment list.
After Buffy convinces her mother to buy some candy, she revives their long-standing debate over whether or not she can get a license and start driving. Joyce remains uncomfortable with the notion of her daughter behind a steering wheel.
Buffy then heads off for the library, telling her mother that she has some more training to do with Giles. Joyce is not pleased with how much time Buffy has to spend working with Giles.
At the library, Buffy trains briefly with Giles before leaving early, explaining to him that her mom wants her home early. Buffy then visits Angel at the mansion, bringing along a container of blood from the butcher shop.
When Buffy finally goes home, she is surprised to find both her mom and her Watcher waiting for her in the foyer. They both have figured out that Buffy lied to them in order to go someplace else, although Joyce suspects that place was the Bronze.
Unhappy with the way she’s being treated, Buffy expresses how she can’t fulfill both of their demands for the amount of time they want to spend with her. After Buffy goes to her room, Giles and Joyce relax on the couch, curiously eating one candy bar after another.
Elsewhere, these same candy bars are being packaged in a factory. Overlooking the whole process is none other than Giles’ old rival, Ethan Rayne. Buffy, Cordy, Xander, Willow, and several other students sit in study hall on Friday, waiting for their supervisor to arrive.
The staff member assigned to study hall this day happens to be Giles, who is uncharacteristically late. While the students wait, Xander and Willow engage in a forbidden game of footsie under their table, apparently still hung up over each other after their kiss on Homecoming week.
Principal Snyder talks one of the teacher, Ms. Barton, into filling in for Giles.
Buffy is both surprised and dismayed to learn that Giles never showed up, but she and the rest of the students are even more surprised when Ms. Barton speaks to them loosely and freely, going so far as to refer to their principal as “Commandant Snyder”.
After school, Buffy goes to Giles’ apartment to find out where he was, but that soon becomes irrelevant when she notices that her mother is there as well.
Giles explains that he and Joyce have been working out a schedule to make it easier for Buffy to spend enough time with the both of them. Joyce then stuns her daughter by handing her the keys to her jeep, telling Buffy to drive herself home.
After Buffy grabs the keys and leaves, Giles lights up a cigarette, dropping the charade that he and Joyce were putting on for Buffy when she arrived just now.
Not one to pass up on an opportunity like this, Buffy picks up Willow in the jeep and drives off to the Bronze, displaying a horrific driving ability along the way. At the Bronze, Buffy and Willow immediately notice the vast number of adults present, which is unusual for any given night at the Bronze.
Even stranger is that all of the adults are acting like rowdy teenagers, including Principal Snyder, who acts like he’s just one of the Scooby Gang. While Buffy and Willow try to decipher this phenomenon, Giles and Joyce drink, smoke, and listen to old LP’s before heading out into town.
Giles and Joyce stroll by the store windows, one of which showcases a coat that catches Joyce’s eye. Giles breaks into the window and steals the coat for the new “girl” in his life.
A cop tries to stop them, but Giles makes short work of the cop and takes his gun before leaving the scene with Joyce. Back at the Bronze, Buffy decides that they need to get out and find some answers.
As Buffy, Willow, and Oz leave the Bronze and get into the jeep, Snyder follows them into the car. Since time is definitely an issue, Buffy lets him tag along. Meanwhile, adults all over town are acting like teenagers, just like the people at the Bronze.
Two guys even get into a drag race, and one of them smashes into Buffy’s jeep. After everyone gets out of the car, one man runs by and steals Snyder’s candy bar. Buffy realizes that there must be something wrong with the candy.
Buffy instructs Willow and Oz to get Xander and Cordelia and head to the library, while she and Snyder drive to the candy bar factory. Buffy and Snyder arrive at the factory, where a huge mob of adults are gathered around the entrance to get more candy bars.
On her way to the entrance, Buffy is distracted by the sight of Giles kissing Joyce right in front of her eyes. Unable to deal with them at this moment, Buffy knocks out the workers and enters the factory, with Giles, Joyce, and Snyder following closely behind.
Inside, Buffy finds Ethan, who wastes no time in running away. He tries to lose them in the maze of candy bar boxes, but Buffy eventually finds him. Back at the library, the rest of the gang tries to find some useful information, but they can’t do much without a good lead.
Buffy learns from Ethan that his job was mainly to divert the adults from the main objective, which is to pay tribute to a demon named Lurconis. Oz and Willow discover that Lurconis feeds on babies.
Unbeknownst to any of them, a group of vampires walk into the hospital nursery and steal four of the infants there. Buffy and the others are too late in getting to the hospital. However, Giles is able to recall that Lurconis means “glutton”, and that they should be able to find him in the sewers.
They go down into the sewer tunnels and find the babies, along with Mr. Trick, the other four vampires, and the Mayor. As soon as Buffy and Giles arrive, Mayor Wilkinson immediately flees the scene.
While Buffy fights the vampires, Giles and Joyce move the babies out of harm’s way. During the battle, Buffy throws one of the vampires into a large pool.
A large rumbling soon follows, and Lurconis, a huge serpentine creature, emerges from an opening next to the pool and devours the hapless vampire. Mr. Trick challenges the Slayer to a fight, but her Watcher intervenes and attempts to take on the vampire.
Mr. Trick easily tosses Giles into the pool and escapes. With Lurconis coming back for seconds, Buffy detaches a fuel line and ignites the open end on one of the torches that the vampires set up, creating a giant blowtorch.
As Lurconis emerges from the opening once again, Buffy roasts the demon, sending it back into its dwelling. Afterwards, Mayor Wilkinson expresses his disappointment in Mr. Trick’s failure, warning him not to make the same mistakes again.
The following Monday morning, all the adults in Sunnydale are back to normal. Buffy laments to Giles after school about the disaster that was her S.A.T. They meet up with Joyce by the jeep, which is still wrecked.
Buffy is relieved that she was able to stop Giles and Joyce before they went a little too far with their carefree romance… or so she believes.
EXT. CEMETERY – NIGHT
BUFFY kneels, elbows resting on a platform-style headstone, chin propped on her hands. GILES
PACES and reads from a large book. It appears he is making with the vampire lore.
“. . . and on that tragic day, an era
came to its inevitable end.” That’s
all there is. Are you ready?
Which of the following best expresses
the theme of the passage? A:
“violence breeds violence.” B: “all
things must end.”
Buffy picks up a standardized test answer sheet from the headstone. Some filled-in bubbles. Some
I’m putting “B”. There hasn’t been
a “B” in forever.
This is the S.A.T.s, Buffy, not
“connect-the-dots”. Please pay
attention. A low score could
seriously harm your chances of
getting into college.
Oh, that takes the pressure right off.
This isn’t supposed to be easy, you
know. It’s a rite of passage.
Is it too late to join a tribe where
they just pierce something, or cut
Buffy, please. Concentrate.
Buffy suddenly jumps up, and RUNS at Giles. He stares at her, confused.
Giles DROPS, ROLLS. Buffy GOES HIGH, sailing through the air where Giles had just been — and
where a VAMPIRE now menaces. She catches it with a KICK, and it staggers back. Buffy dives after
it, and using her pencil, SHE STAKES. The vampire turns to DUST.
He picks up his book, adjusts his glasses.
Broke my number two pencil. Sorry.
We’ll have to do this again some–
Giles hands her a new pencil.
C: “all systems tend toward chaos”.
Buffy trudges to pick up her answer sheet off the ground.
I just know us and the undead are the
only people in Sunnydale working at this hour.
EXT. CITY HALL – NIGHT – TO ESTABLISH
Imposing, dark. One set of office lights glow in the night.
THE MAYOR (V.O.)
I appreciate your coming. I realize
it is early . . .
INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE – NIGHT
The mayor is with Mr. Trick.
. . . for you . . . but I think you’ll
agree this matter is urgent. Also delicate.
Well, I’m a very delicate person.
So you feel you can handle this?
It’s a little out of my element, but
I can get you what you need. I know
a beast who knows a guy.
Are you sure subcontracting is the
way to go here?
I believe this guy’s worked in your town
before. If he lives up to his rep,
the place’ll be in flames.
I’ve made certain deals to get where
I am today. This demon requires his
tribute. You see, that’s what
separates me from other politicians, Mr. Trick . . .
He opens his cabinet to reveal a hideous shrine of evil: blood markings, goats heads, talisman, you
. . . I keep my campaign promises.
He picks up a jug made of a shrunken head, sniffs it. It’s not what he wants.
Now, where did I put the scotch?
EXT. SCHOOL QUAD – THE NEXT DAY
Buffy, Willow and Oz walk in the quad.
And then I was getting chased by an
improperly filled-in answer bubble
yelling “none of the above”!
Wow. I hope that wasn’t one of your
You know, Willow and I both took it
last year. We could help you get
ready. There’s this whole trick to
antonyms but . . .
(looking around, whispering)
this isn’t the place.
Oz is the highest scoring person ever
to fail to graduate.
Isn’t she cute when she’s proud?
She’s always cute.
XANDER and CORDELIA join them.
We could work on it tonight.
Work on what tonight?
Oh god, are we killing something again?
Only my carefree spirit.
Oz is helping. He’s the highest
We know. We did the impressed thing already.
I hate they make us take that thing.
It’s totally fascist, and personally,
I think it discriminates against the uninformed.
Actually, I’m looking forward to it.
I do well on standardized tests.
(off their looks)
What? I can’t have layers?
INT. HALLWAY/CAFETERIA – CONTINUOUS – DAY
They enter near the caf, head there.
So Buffy, study, tonight?
Um . . . yes on the study, no on
tonight. Putting in Mom-time. She’s
been like, drastic ever since I got
back. And Giles is even worse.
Between the two of them I’m
supervised twenty-four seven. It’s
like living in the Real World house, only real.
They reach the door and run into PRINCIPAL SNYDER, who is handing out cardboard boxes. Startled,
they each take one. Willow looks inside.
Chocolate bars. Lots of ’em!
Principal Snyder, thank you! You
weren’t visited by the ghost of
Christmas past by any chance?
It’s band candy.
Let’s hear it for the band, huh?
You will sell it. To raise money for
the marching band. They need new uniforms.
Those tall fuzzy hats ain’t cheap, huh?
But they go with everything.
Um, as much as I’m sure we all love
the idea of going all Willy Loman . . .
we’re not in the band.
And if I had just handed you a
trombone, that would be a problem,
Summers. It’s candy. Sell it.
Snyder stalkes off. They are left looking at their boxes of chocolate merchandise.
INT. BUFFY’S KITCHEN – AFTER SCHOOL (DAY)
JOYCE and Buffy eat take-out chinese food.
You’re not in the band.
Buffy, what would I do with forty
You could give them out at the
gallery. Buy something Pre-
Columbian, get a free cavity.
You’re a good mom.
I’m the best.
Oh, I’m pretty sure the best moms let
their daughters drive.
Come on —
Oh, let’s not have this conversation.
I took the class. And I watched all
the filmstrips with the blood and the
death and the corpses — I’m prepped!
Honey, you failed the written test.
They wouldn’t even let you take the road test.
That was a year ago. And I don’t
test well. She said, two days before
I spend enough time not knowing where
you are. I don’t want to add the
possibility that you’re on the
highway to Chicago.
I can’t believe you. I’m not going
to take off again. And if I was, I
could just get on a bus–
Stop. Don’t. I just . . . don’t want
you driving, okay? I want you here.
Okay, I’m here. See me being here.
Buffy eats her last bite of pizza.
Buffy gets up.
What? You’re going out?
Giles. Slay-study double feature.
Could be late.
Again? Honey, don’t you think Mr.
Giles is monopolizing an awful lot of
And does he ever say he’s sorry?
INT. LIBRARY – LATER (NIGHT)
Giles is tying a blindfold over Buffy’s eyes. He accidentally pulls her hair.
Why do I put up with this?
Because it is your destiny and
because I just bought twenty
“cocorific” candy bars.
Giles puts a ball into Buffy’s hands. It’s the inflated rubber kind used to play dodge ball.
Okay, now you’re just doing this to
take funny pictures of me.
I’m testing your awareness of an
opponent’s location during a fight in
total darkness. You’re to wait five
seconds, then throw me the ball.
As Buffy talks, Giles circles around behind her. Buffy continues to talk to where he was.
You ran out of training ideas about
a week ago, didn’t you? Okay. Five,
She TURNS AWAY FROM GILES, and throws the ball — it clearly will miss Giles by a mile.
Not so simple, is–
As Giles speaks, the ball RICOCHETS off a wall and HITS GILES IN THE HEAD.
Ow. Ah. Well done.
Buffy takes off the blindfold.
Buffy heads for the door.
Wait, you’re not going? We have to patrol.
Can’t. I told you, Mom’s in
hyperdrive. She wants me home tonight.
Buffy picks up her box of candy and hands it to Giles.
I know. She’s out of control. Enjoy the candy!
And she’s out. Resigned, Giles takes a candy bar out of the box and starts to unwrap it.
INT. MANSION – NIGHT
Buffy, holding a grocery bag, lets herself in. She looks around. No Angel. She heads toward the
EXT. MANSION GARDEN – CONTINUOUS – NIGHT
Buffy enters to find Angel shirtless, glistening with perspiration, and doing Tai Chi. She starts to
speak, but then just watches. Finally, he turns, gracefully, part of the routine, and sees her.
I didn’t know you could do that.
He walks toward her.
I’m doing better . . .
She grabs him and steadies him. She puts her arms around him and helps him back into the
INT. MANSION – NIGHT
Still with an arm around him, she helps Angel to a chair. Suddenly, they are both aware of the
contact. He moves away from her. Angel looks at everything in the room except her.
It’s late. How did you get away?
Easy. Started a fire in the prison
laundry, rode out in the garbage truck.
Joking. No garbage. Smell me.
Now he’s too close. He looks at her a moment, then:
How is . . . Scott?
Oh, Scott, Boyfriend Scott, actually
he’s not — He’s fine.
Buffy hands him the grocery bag.
I brought more . . . for you. From the butcher’s.
He takes the bag, removes a take-out soup container. Through the lid, the liquid inside is visibly red.
He sets it aside awkwardly. Finally, he looks at her, really meeting her eyes.
You’re being careful, right?
Oh, of course. Yeah, sure I am. I’m
full of carefulness.
I worry about you.
I’m getting stronger.
Yeah. Soon you won’t need me.
That’ll be better.
(no it won’t)
INT. BUFFY’S HOUSE – FOYER – LATER – NIGHT
Buffy comes in through the front door to find Joyce standing in the foyer. Joyce is unwrapping a band
Hi. Sorry I’m late, but you know
Giles. All slay, all the time.
Hi. Um . . . you guys want to watch TV?
I hear Nightline’s very insightful.
You lied to us, Buffy. And you made
us into your alibis. That’s playing
us against each other and that’s not fair.
I called Willow. You lied to her
about your whereabouts also. We were
Joyce holds out her candy bar toward Giles, offering. He breaks off a piece.
They both nibble throughout the following.
I’m sorry. It’s just, I had to go–
Buffy walks into the —
INT. BUFFY’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS – NIGHT
No escape, they both follow her.
Were you at the Bronze? What was
happening there that was so important?
Oh. Um . . . Bronze things. Things of Bronze.
You’re acting really immature, Buffy.
I know I’m not your parent, but I do
have to look after you. Your mom’s right.
Okay, so I’m acting like a child.
Maybe that’s ’cause you’re both
treating me like a child.
No. Listen. You’re both scheduling
me twenty-four hours a day, and
between the two of you, that’s . . .
forty-eight hours, and I just want to
make some decisions on my own.
The last time you made a decision on
your own you split.
And I took care of myself just fine.
I don’t need quite this much “active
parenting”, thank you very much.
You can’t really be trying to use
this summer as a reason you should be trusted!
Mom, you gotta back off some! I
don’t need to be baby-sat.
All right, come on. Let’s not freak out.
Let’s not what?
I think you should go to bed. We’re all tired.
Buffy hesitates, considering continuing the engagement. She senses the futility, and turns on her
heel . . . off to bed. After she’s gone:
She drives me crazy. I just want to protect her.
All parents want that.
Yeah, but at least most parents know
what to protect their children from.
Yeah, you and I have to be especially careful.
Giles pulls another band candy bar out of his jacket pocket. He offers a piece to Joyce. They enjoy it
CLOSE ON: A BAND CANDY BAR
Sitting with many others of its kind in a box.
WIDEN TO SHOW
INT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT
A MAN, in factory coveralls, who seals the filled box and reaches for the next box. He glances around,
reaches in, removes a bar. He peels back the wrapper, and is ready to chomp when . . .
LOCKS AROUND HIS WRIST . . . WE FOLLOW THE ARM UP TO REVEAL: ETHAN RAYNE.
Trust me. You don’t want to eat that.
END OF ACT ONE
INT. SCIENCE CLASSROOM – THE NEXT DAY
A science classroom, with two-person tables. The STUDENTS wait for the teacher. Buffy and Cordelia
share a table. Xander and Willow have the table behind them.
I heard there’s this secret rule if
a teacher is over ten minutes late,
everyone can leave.
It’s Giles’ turn to lead study hall.
He’ll be here. He’s allergic to late.
The man is wrapped a little tight.
I had this philosophy book out from
the library for like a year and he
made me pay the fine even though it
was huge. I eventually had to return
it, which was sad because it was
perfect for starting conversations
with college boys. Of course, that was B.X.
B.X.? Oh, Before Xander. Clever.
ANGLE: THE TABLE BEHIND THEM
Xander, eating a band candy bar, sits next to Willow.
I like chocolate. There’s no bad here.
You still have some left? I went to
like four houses and they were gone.
It was like trick-or-treating in reverse.
I know, they’re selling like hot
cakes. Which is ironic, ’cause the
hot cakes really aren’t moving.
ANGLE: THEIR KNEES
Under the table. They both slowly move their legs together until their knees are touching.
We’re raising a lot of money for the band.
Yeah. They’re great. They march.
(not listening to herself)
Like an army. With music instead of
bullets and usually no one dies.
Xander inches his foot over to nudge Willow’s. She crosses her foot over his . . . twining ankles.
I can’t believe this!
Willow and Xander jump apart, SLAMMING their knees into the table legs. Xander whimpers. Willow
bites her lip.
Where is Giles already? I’m bored
and he’s not here to give me credit for it.
ANGLE: PRINCIPAL SNYDER
And an older teacher, MS. BARTON, are engaged in a whispered conversation in the classroom
doorway. Snyder is eating a band candy bar.
Look, the big pinhead librarian
didn’t show up and I don’t want to do
it. You do it.
All right. Fine. I’ll do it.
She moves to the front of the room, and Snyder heads out.
Everyone expects me to do everything
around here ’cause I’m the principal
and it’s not fair . . .
Snyder exits. The students continue to chatter.
The students look up, startled.
Look, we’re all stuck here, okay? So
let’s just sit quietly . . .
(lowering her voice)
And pretend to read or something
until we’re sure Commandant Snyder is
gone, and then we’re all out of here.
The students look at each other, happy and surprised.
Anyone else want to marry Ms. Barton?
Get in line.
Ms. Barton sets down her purse.
ANGLE: THE PURSE
No one notices the BAND CANDY BAR sticking out of it.
I guess Giles isn’t coming.
I guess not.
EXT. GILES’ PLACE – LATER THAT AFTERNOON (DAY)
Buffy is at Giles’ door. It’s slightly ajar. Immediately on the alert, she pushes her way in silently —
INT. GILES’ PLACE – CONTINUOUS – DAY
— and enters, crouching and tense, to find Giles going through a cabinet and Joyce on the couch.
Sorry. I was worried, Giles. You
were a big not-there in study hall
and after your lecture on me not
ducking out and what is my mother doing here?
We had an opportunity for a, you
might say, a summit meeting. It took
priority over study hall. I called in.
We decided you made a good point.
I did. Yes. And that was . . . ?
About us over-scheduling you.
Pulling you in two directions, as it
were . . . your home life and your
duties as a slayer.
Oh. That was a good point.
We’re working out a coordinated
schedule for you.
It will be tight, but I think we can
fit in all your responsibilities.
Sounds nice ‘n’ structured.
Joyce comes over to Buffy.
We’ve got more work to do here,
honey. Why don’t you give us a
little more time? Take the car. Mr.
Giles can drive me home.
Sure enough, Joyce is holding out CAR KEYS.
What? Excuse me, I meant: what?
Keys. Take them.
Hey, you don’t have to tell me twice.
Well, you did. But . . . bye.
Buffy grabs the keys and heads for the door fast, before Joyce can change her mind.
Bye, honey. Drive careful.
Buffy waves and EXITS. Joyce turns to Giles.
You think she noticed anything?
Joyce bounces on her knees on the couch and reaches behind it for a Kahlua bottle. Giles lights a
INT. JOYCE’S CAR – EARLY EVENING (NIGHT)
Buffy drives happily. Willow’s in the passenger seat.
Tell me again how it happened.
I told her I wanted to be treated
more like a grown-up, and voila! Driviness.
EXT. JOYCE’S CAR – CONTINUOUS – NIGHT
Buffy takes a curve with enthusiasm and speed.
INT. JOYCE’S CAR – CONTINUOUS – NIGHT
Willow braces herself with both hands.
Also, I think Mom might’ve wanted me,
you know, otherwhere. Giles and her
are planning my future and I guess
it’s easier to live my life if I’m
not actually there.
You know you’ve got the parking brake on?
Buffy releases it.
Are you sure about the Bronze? The
S.A.T.s are tomorrow.
I can study at the Bronze. A little
dancing, a little cross-multiplying.
Hey, you know what we need?
Buffy starts hitting radio buttons: rock, rap, country . . .
Eyes on the road! Eyes on the road!
EXT. JOYCE’S CAR – NIGHT
The CAR RADIO BLARES as they WEAVE down the street. The music changes one more time . . .
INT. GILES’ PLACE – LATER (NIGHT)
CREAM PLAYS. Giles’ button-down is open, revealing a white t-shirt-style undershirt. He lies on his
back by his record player amid scattered albums. Joyce is mixing a Kahlua and Pepsi. Cigarettes
smolder in an ashtray on the floor.
You’ve got good albums.
Yeah, they’re all right.
Giles’ accent is more working class than we are used to.
Do you like Seals and Croft?
(off his look)
He lights another cig, hands it to her. She smokes it awkwardly . . . a new smoker.
How come they call you Ripper?
Wouldn’t you like to know.
He stops, listening.
Hey, listen to this bit. It rocks.
Giles turns the volume up.
Man. I gotta get a band together.
So, you wanna watch TV, Ripper? I
know how to order pay-per-view.
Let’s go out. Have some fun. Tear things up.
Okay. We could go to the Bronze.
Not bloody likely. That place is dead.
INT. THE BRONZE – EVENING (NIGHT)
The joint is jumping: packed and very loud. Buffy enters. Willow follows, still shaky from the ride.
DINGOES ATE MY BABIES PLAYS and looks out at an unusually old audience. Oz waves at Willow and
gives a little shrug. Everywhere they look, the patrons are ADULTS: at the bar, on the dance floor.
The teenagers in the place are reacting pretty much the same as Buffy and Willow — staring in
Whoa. Let’s do the time warp again.
Maybe there’s some kind of reunion in
town or a Billy Joel tour or something.
A WOMAN pushes past them. Buffy recognizes her:
It is her. She blinks owlishly at Buffy, trying to focus.
You okay, Ms. Barton?
I’m cool, Willow. Willow. That’s a
tree. You’re a tree. Do they have
nachos here, little tree?
Ms. Barton starts to laugh, a little out of control.
I think maybe you need some fresh air.
She amiably drifts off toward the door. Buffy and Willow watch her go.
Okay, this is not normal.
(off Buffy’s look)
Maybe that goes without saying.
GUY’S VOICE (O.S.)
Buffy and Willow turn, probably expecting to see Xander. Instead:
This place is fun city, huh?
Call me Snyder. Just a last name.
Like Barbarino. Whoo! I’m stoked!
Did you see Ms. Barton? I think
she’s wasted. I’m gonna put that on
her next performance review because
I’m the principal.
The MUSIC FALTERS for a second. They turn and look.
ANGLE: THE STAGE
A SHIRTLESS PUDGY ADULT DIVES OFF THE STAGE, hooting and hollering. He is almost caught, but
the out-of-shape men beneath him aren’t up to it. He ends up on the floor, and gets to his feet
slowly. A lot of the men are red-faced, sweaty, panting.
ANGLE: WILLOW AND BUFFY
I don’t like this. They could have heart attacks.
Maybe there’s a doctor here.
Actually, that is my doctor. He’s
usually less . . . topless.
I got a commendation. For being
principal. From the mayor. He shook
my hand twice.
A clique of THREE OR FOUR MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN scurry past, laughing and shrieking.
Ooh. There’s some foxy ladies here tonight!
Buffy, what’s happening?
I don’t know, but it’s happening to
a whole lotta grownups.
They’re acting like a bunch of . . .
They’re acting like a bunch of us.
A beat, as the two girls look worriedly around them.
I don’t act like this . . .
INT. BAND CANDY WAREHOUSE – NIGHT
The production line again. Mr. Trick stands with Ethan, watching the packing, the sealing, the
shipping of the candy.
I thought it might be.
That’s why I love this country. You
make a good product, and the people
will come to you. Of course, a lot
of them are gonna die, but, well,
that’s the other reason I love this country.
A WORKMAN (not the same guy from before) speaks softly to the man next to him. Mr. Trick
Hey. No sampling the product.
I didn’t —
Mr. Trick TAKES THE MAN BY THE NECK AND BREAKS IT SWIFTLY. THE MAN SLUMPS, DEAD, TO THE
FLOOR. The other workers stare, horrified. Mr. Trick turns back to Ethan.
Okay. Um . . . how did you know
he’d taken some.
I don’t. But I know no one else will.
(looks at his watch)
We’re getting close. Keep it flowing.
Time for me to get the goods.
He heads out.
INT. THE BRONZE – NIGHT
Things are even wilder than they were a minute ago. The band has given up entirely. Oz stands with
Buffy and Willow.
Something’s changing them.
They’re teenagers. Sobering mirror
to look into, huh?
You’ve got great hair.
A group of OLD GUYS (shirtless doctor and his buddies) cling to microphones and belt out LOUIE
LOUIE. On the floor several adult couples are dirty dancing. Once couple has given up on the dancing
and stands on the dance floor, making out.
It just gets more upsetting.
No vampire has ever been that scary.
ANGLE: THE BAR
Adults are doing that thing where you lie back on the bar and the bartender mixes the drink right in
your mouth. One adult accidentally jostles another adult and a MINOR SCUFFLE breaks out.
Buffy and Oz and Willow move away from the scuffle. The party is heading toward chaos. They have
to talk over the noise.
We’ve gotta go find out what’s going
on. This has Hellmouth fingerprints
all over it. Or, mouthprints . . .
Buffy leads the way toward the door. Oz and Willow follow. Snyder loses interest in the fight as it dies
down. He tags along.
Where are we going?
They ignore him. At the door, Buffy passes an adult eating a BAND CANDY BAR. WE SEE HER TAKE
NOTICE OF THIS. Buffy, Willow and Oz duck out the door. A second later . . .
You guys aren’t trying to ditch me, are you?
Snyder scurries out after them.
INT. JOYCE’S CAR – NIGHT
Buffy, Willow, Oz are in the car, Willow in the front seat next to Buffy. Buffy closes her door. She
hasn’t started the car yet.
We should go find Giles, right?
He’ll figure out what’s going on.
Sure, except for all we know he’s
sweet sixteen again.
Buffy and Willow share a look – realizing what that could mean.
He’s with your mom at his place.
Buffy starts the car. And Snyder opens the door and climbs in next to Oz.
Hey, I said “wait up”!
Um . . . Snyder . . .
No time. He’s coming with us.
She pulls out. The TIRES SQUEAL.
Whoa, Summers, you drive like a spaz.
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
A sedan sits at a stoplight. Next to the Sedan, a VOLVO STATION WAGON revs its engine. It has a
bumper sticker: “My child hearts Sunnydale preschool”.
INT. SEDAN – NIGHT
A BUSINESS MAN clutches the wheel, REVS his engine.
INT. STATION WAGON – NIGHT
A DOMESTICATED FATHER in a cardigan REVS his engine.
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
The stoplight turns green. Tires SQUEAL as the cars take off.
INT. JOYCE’S CAR – NIGHT
Buffy slams on the brakes as the two cars pass (off screen if necessary) in front of her. She and the
others watch them recede in the distance. Snyder hoots, enjoying the competition.
This is great! Let’s go do doughnuts
on the football field.
It’ll be okay when we get to Giles’.
Of course. I mean, even if he’s
sixteen, he’s still Giles. Probably
a pretty together guy.
Giles at sixteen. Less “together
guy”, more “bad magic, hates the
world, ticking time-bomb guy”.
Oh. Well then, I guess your mom is
in a lot of trouble.
EXT. STOREFRONT – NIGHT
Giles and Joyce walk down the street. Giles has his cigarette pack rolled up in his t-shirt sleeve. His
arm is around Joyce’s shoulders, a cigarette in his hand. She clings to his other hand and chews
It must be exciting, being from England.
It’s all right. Hey, you’re not cold
Nuh-uh. I feel . . . special. Like I’m
just waking up, kind of.
You know, like having a kid and
getting married and everything was a
dream and now things are back like
they’re supposed to be.
Joyce stops, looks at a coat in a store window.
That’s cool. Kind of Juice Newton.
You fancy it?
But the store’s not open.
Giles hoists a heavy trash can, and THROWS it. It hits the store window with a CRASH. The window
SHATTERS, sending glass everywhere. Giles ducks through the window frame, pulls the coat from its
mannequin. He steps back out, and hands the coat to Joyce.
Oh, Ripper, wow. That was so brave.
She’s putting on the coat, when . . .
ANGLE: A POLICEMAN approaches, GUN DRAWN.
INT. JOYCE’S CAR – NIGHT
Buffy heads into an intersection.
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
A speeding car goes right through the red light at the intersection. It’s heading right for Buffy.
INT. JOYCE’S CAR – NIGHT
Oh my god! Look out!
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
CRASH — The speeding car hits the driver’s side of Joyce’s car, which is rocked by the impact —
dented and thrown back.
No motion is visible inside.
END OF ACT TWO
EXT. STOREFRONT – CONTINUOUS – NIGHT
Giles and Joyce face the armed policeman.
Oh, copper’s got a gun. You’ll never use it.
ANGLE: A BAND CANDY BAR
It sticks out of the cop’s uniform pocket.
Ripper, be careful!
The cop’s eyes flick toward Joyce, the quickest of glances. It’s enough. Giles POUNDS him with A
SERIES OF BRUTAL PUNCHES, then grabs the guy’s head and WHIPS IT DOWN to IMPACT WITH
GILES’ RAISED KNEE. The guy goes down, unconscious. The GUN is still clutched in the cop’s hand.
Giles takes it, tucks it into his waistband.
Told him he’d never use it.
You are so cool. You’re like Burt Reynolds.
Joyce sidles closer, looks up into Giles’ eyes. Giles grabs her, hard. She gasps. He goes in for the kiss,
their eyes locked on each other.
She reaches up and takes the gum out of her mouth. He starts kissing her, and they sink onto the
hood of the squad car, slowly going out of frame.
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
Slowly, Buffy, Willow, Oz and Snyder get out of the car. The doors on the damaged side of the car
SHRIEK in protest when they open them. Oz gingerly flexes a bruised elbow. Buffy has a cut on her
forehead. They look at the damaged car.
Is anyone else all creeped out and trembly?
Oz puts his arm around Willow protectively.
Buffy, your mom’s gonna kill you.
Buffy looks around at the street.
of aging greasers loiters at the corner. A woman/girl walks by. They whistle and catcall. She giggles.
No grown ups. No one’s protecting
their houses, people out wandering around–
And OLD MAN strolls by. He STRIPS THE CANDY BAR OUT OF SNYDER’S HAND and takes off running.
Hey! Give it!
BACK ON BUFFY
So where are all the vampires?
Soup’s on, but no one’s grabbing a spoon.
Something’s happening somewhere that’s else.
I’m guessing something pretty big.
That guy took my candy!
It’s starting to add up. Buffy goes to Snyder.
What’s with the candy? A curse?
A curse? I’ve got a curse?
Oh my god. Using candy for evil.
My parents ate a ton.
Buffy backs Snyder up against the car. She’s in his face.
Who’s behind the candy?
I don’t know. It came to me through
the school board, and if you knew
that crowd . . .
Where is it? Where would you go for
more? Do you know?
He nods miserably. Buffy turns to Willow and Oz.
You two, get Xander and Cordelia, go
to the library. Look it up.
Candy, curses . . .
Disturbing second childhood. Got it.
Ratboy and I are going to the source.
She pushes Snyder toward the dented car.
EXT. WAREHOUSE LOADING DOCK – LATER – NIGHT
CLOSE ON: A BOX OF BAND CANDY BARS
A man’s hand reaches in, grabs a handful, THROWS THEM to a WAITING CROWD of adults.
They jump and dive for the candy.
WIDEN TO REVEAL the scene:
Two MEN in factory coveralls are standing on the warehouse loading platform, throwing candy to the
crowd like rice at a wedding.
As Buffy and Snyder get out of it. Snyder immediately goes over to get more candy. Buffy walks by a
COUPLE IN A CLINCH, making out. She stops, looks back at them:
Go ‘way. We’re busy.
They keep kissing. Buffy grabs them each by an arm and pulls them away from the crowd.
Where’d you get that coat? Never
mind, listen to me–
Giles pulls roughly out of Buffy’s grasp. He balls up his fists.
Okay, Giles. Think. You really want
to fight me? Or you want to let me
talk to my mother?
Giles backs down, but in the coolest possible way. He wanders a few steps away and lights a
cigarette as if he were too cool to care. Buffy looks at Joyce searchingly.
Mom, look at me. Do you know who I am?
Of course. You’re Buffy. They’re
giving away candy. Want some candy?
No. And you don’t need any more either.
I’m fine. I can have more if I want.
You’re not fine. Go home.
Screw you. I want candy.
Buffy recoils as if slapped.
Hey look, you want to slay stuff and
I’m not allowed to do anything about
it? Well, this is what I want to do.
So get off my back.
For god’s sake, let your mum have the
bleedin’ candy. Come on, Joyce.
Giles and Joyce start to walk away. Buffy tries one last shot.
Wait. Look for one sec. Your car.
The dent the size of New Brunswick? I did that.
Joyce looks toward the car.
Oh my god. What was I thinking when
I bought the geek machine?
Giles laughs. Buffy takes the cigarette from his mouth and throws it on the ground.
Take her home.
Hey. I’m the watcher. You have to
do what I say. So bugger off.
Giles and Joyce defiantly head back to where the candy is being handed out. Buffy hesitates, then,
her jaw set, she marches behind them . . .
She passes them . . . and without slowing down, she marches to the base of the loading platform and
looks up at the two men handing out the candy. She reaches up, grabs one by the ankle, and PULLS
HIS FOOT OUT FROM UNDER HIM. He falls over the edge, at Buffy’s feet. He CRUMPLES and Buffy
mounts the steps to the platform. Buffy is now facing the other man.
He drops his box of candy. She grabs him by the back of his coveralls, and tosses him over the edge
of the loading platform, where he lands on the first guy, who CRUMPLES AGAIN. She throws the
boxes of candy down on them, hard. Adults dive after the candy windfall.
Buffy spots Joyce in the crowd. Buffy leans over, grabs Joyce’s arm, HAULS her up the steps.
What’re you doing with her?
As Giles leaps to follow, Buffy drags Joyce to the padlocked door leading into the warehouse. She
KICKS it open. Snyder watches from the crowd.
Neat. Hey Brit-face, wait up.
Snyder scrambles after Giles.
INT. BAND CANDY WAREHOUSE – CONTINUOUS – NIGHT
Buffy pulls Joyce into the warehouse, starts to close the door.
Giles pushes in after them, in the process letting Snyder in.
It smells all chocolatey.
As Buffy barricades the door from the inside with crates, the others look around. The production line
is quiet. Open boxes of candy bars lie everywhere.
Say. This is all right.
Buffy steps away from the rest of the group, scans the room.
ANGLE: A WALL-MOUNTED PHONE
on the other side of the warehouse. Ethan talks, facing the wall.
I’ve been out there. The town’s wide
open. You guys are good to go any time . . .
He looks up to see:
looking right at him.
You may want to hurry.
INT. LIBRARY – NIGHT
Oz and Xander comb the bookcases, while Willow and Cordelia sit at the table, paging through books.
At first it was fun, you know. They
seemed like they were in this really
good mood. You know, not like parents. Then . . .
Mom started borrowing all my clothes.
There should be an age limit on Lycra
pants, I’m telling you. And dad just
locked himself in the bathroom with
a bunch of old copies of Esquire.
Xander brings a new stack of books over.
I don’t get this. The candy’s
supposed to make you all immature and
stuff, but I ate a ton and I don’t
feel any dif– never mind.
I’ll take that one.
Xander hands her the book, their fingers momentarily touching. Willow doesn’t look him in the eye.
He moves over to where Oz is pulling more books from the shelves. Willow looks at the two guys.
What, swap, huh?
Hello? Swap books with me? This one
is thick, and I’m not sure it’s in English.
Willow breathes again and they exchange books.
INT. BAND CANDY WAREHOUSE – NIGHT
Giles, Joyce and Snyder join Buffy . . . look at what she’s looking at:
Ethan has a choice: fight like a man or run like a bunny. He drops the phone and bolts. Buffy takes
off after him.
You know him? Who is he?
Giles isn’t there to answer. He’s taken off after Ethan, too. Joyce looks at Snyder, who has gotten into
the candy. His face is smeared with chocolate.
As he scampers. He zigzags through piles of boxes and wooden crates and tangles of machinery —
they form a sort of high-walled maze. Buffy is right on his tail.
Ethan rounds a corner ahead of her.
sails around it . . . but he’s gone. After a moment, Giles thuds to a stop next to her, panting.
He has to stop to breathe.
That’s what smoking’ll do to you.
Now be quiet.
Where’d the bastard go?
Buffy walks slowly forward, between piles of wooden crates. Suddenly she WHIRLS, and TEARS THE
FRONT PANEL off one of the crates. Ethan is curled inside. He smiles at them sheepishly.
Look, a box full of farm-fresh chicken.
INT. BAND CANDY WAREHOUSE – BACK BY THE DOOR – NIGHT
Joyce and Snyder sit on boxes. Both nibble on candy bars. Joyce looks worried.
You s’pose they’re okay?
A beat. Snyder slides closer to Joyce.
So, are you two, like, going steady?
Joyce stares at him and moves away.
INT. BAND CANDY WAREHOUSE – BUFFY, GILES, ETHAN – NIGHT
Buffy grabs Ethan by his collar, drags him out of the box, hauls him to his feet.
So, Ethan. What are we playing?
(he says nothing)
We’re pretty much into a ‘talk or
bleed’ situation. Your call.
I would like to point out that this wasn’t my idea.
I’m subcontracting. It’s Trick you
want. I’m just helping him collect
a tribute. For a demon.
He’s lying. Hit him!
I don’t think he is. And shut up.
You’re my slayer. Knock those capped
teeth down his throat!
Buffy gets between Giles and Ethan.
I don’t remember.
Buffy HITS ETHAN.
Lurconis. Demon called Lurconis.
They wanted a way they could get the
tribute away from people.
So you’re just diversion guy?
More than a diversion. They said the
tribute was big. So big that people
would never let them take it. People
had to be out of it, and later on,
when the candy wears off, they would
Hence, Land of the Irresponsible.
So where’s Trick?
I don’t know exactly. Delivering the tribute.
Which brings us to the bonus-round
question and believe me when I say a
wrong answer will cost you all your points . . .
(in his face)
what’s the tribute?
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – NIGHT
Four VAMPIRES tromp through the white halls. The place looks deserted. They pass by . . .
INT. NURSES’ STATION – NIGHT
A NURSE sits at the station, watching “Dawson’s Creek” on a small portable TV. She ignores the
flashes and beeps of call buttons from the rooms. She doesn’t notice the passing vampires.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – NIGHT
CLOSE ON: the vampires as they turn a corner.
WE PULL BACK TO REVEAL they’re in:
INT. MATERNITY WARD – NIGHT
Bassinets, row after row of them visible as the field widens. Each bassinet holds a BABY. They COO
END OF ACT THREE
INT. BAND CANDY WAREHOUSE – NIGHT
ANGLE: THE WAREHOUSE PHONE
Buffy on the phone.
INT. LIBRARY – CONTINUOUS – NIGHT
Willow turns to the others.
Lurconis. A demon. What’s his deal?
See if there’s anything about a ribute.
A tribute? Like what?
I don’t know. My source is tapped out.
INT. BAND CANDY WAREHOUSE – NIGHT
At some distance from where Buffy talks on the phone, Ethan sits propped against a wall — he looks
very tapped out. Snyder grins down at him.
She whupped you good, huh? Pow-ka-
pow. I can do that, too. I took Tae
Kwon Do at the Y.
Snyder does some bad fake Kung-Fu moves, in the course of which he turns away from Ethan.
is still on the phone.
(into the phone)
No, definitely a demon. A big one.
She is turned away from Ethan. No one, in fact, is looking at Ethan.
notices a LARGE PIECE OF METAL, lying on the warehouse floor. He grabs it. He moves past Giles,
past Snyder. He raises it overhead, ready to clock Buffy when . . . Giles PULLS OUT THE GUN he took
off the cop and levels it at Ethan.
Buffy turns, sees Ethan towering over her. Almost casually, she HITS HIM, knocking him out on her
way over to Giles.
Giles. I need you to give me the gun.
Reluctantly, Giles gives her the gun.
(to Buffy, holding the phone)
Willow wants you. Real bad.
Buffy takes the phone.
INT. LIBRARY – NIGHT
Oz just found it. The tribute to
Lurconis is made every thirty years.
It’s a ritual feeding and this one’s
late, so it’s probably, you know, a big meal.
Oz brings a book to Willow, and points grimly at the text.
Oh, and . . . oh . . . Lurconis eats babies.
INT. BAND CANDY WAREHOUSE – NIGHT
Buffy drops the phone.
She is herding Joyce, Giles and Snyder toward the door when Ethan groans, semi-conscious.
What about that man?
Buffy looks around.
Look for something to tie him up.
Um . . .
Shyly, Joyce pulls the cop’s handcuffs out of the pocket of her stolen coat. Buffy cuffs Ethan.
Never tell me.
INT. MATERNITY WARD – NIGHT
CLOSE ON: A TINY HOSPITAL BRACELET in an empty bassinet.
Buffy picks up the bracelet. It’s not much bigger than her thumb.
Giles is talking to the inattentive nurse, who is now very upset. Joyce and Snyder are with Buffy.
They’re all subdued by the idea of the missing babies.
Something’s going to eat those babies?
Joyce starts to cry softly.
I think that’s so wrong.
Giles joins them.
She never even saw who took them.
I know who took them.
So, let’s go do something, right?
Find the demon, slash and slay.
Is that what happens now?
Yeah, if we knew where to go.
She looks at the tiny hospital bracelet she holds. Giles looks at her, then closes his eyes,
“Lurconis dwells beneath the city,
filth to filth”.
I know this. I knew this.
“Lurconis”, it means “glutton”,
and . . . it’ll be in the sewers.
Okay. The sewers.
Good. You guys go there and do that
thing with the demon. I’ll stay here
in case the babies, you know, find
their way back.
The babies must be so scared.
She starts crying harder.
You filthy ponce. Afraid of a little demon.
If you want to go splash around in
poo, you’re the filthy one.
Snyder gives Giles a shove. Buffy steps between them. She has had it.
All right, everybody stop it! Listen
to me. Mom, I need help. Okay?
Giles? I need grown ups. These
children are going to die and we have
to think clearly and act now if we’re
gonna save them. There’s no room for
mistakes. Besides which, you guys are
just wigging me out.
Everyone looks chastised.
She slips her hand into Giles’, the two of them resolved to help.
Good. Snyder, go home.
I can do that.
Giles, take us to the sewers.
(re: holding hands)
And don’t do that.
INT. SEWER – NIGHT
A large conduit, near a T-junction. Exposed pipes run overhead. The center of the floor is under
water, and a platform has been set up bridging it. Torches ring the platform.
kneel on the platform, which is draped in cloth and painted with arcane symbols. They chant.
ROBED FIGURES (V.O.)
(translated in English
Lurconis come near. Lurconis
be sated. Lurconis with the
age of a thousand demons, kept
young by the flesh of the
young, kept strong by the
devotions of the strong.
Lurconis feast this day and
treat us with mercy. Lurconis
emerge to consume what we
offer and make it of his
flesh. Lurconis come near.)
Lucronis adventet. Lucronis
vetustate miliorum daemonum,
novus alitus carne novorum,
potens alitus precibus
potentium. Lucronis hodie
epuletur et clemens nobis
utatur. Lucronis exsistat
ut dona nostra edat illaque
in carnem suam vertat.
The mayor stands at the edge of the scene, speaking with business-like efficiency into a phone.
Carol, call Dave on the Public Works
committee tomorrow about sewer
maintenance and repair. I have some
concerns re: exposed gas pipes,
infrastructure, ventilation. And
cancel my three o’clock.
FOUR BABIES are lined up in black-draped baskets on a wheeled cart.
One of the ROBED FIGURES dips his finger in water, traces a line on each baby’s bald head. Mr. Trick
Come on, big guy. They’re not
getting any fresher.
Suddenly, Buffy DROPS into their midst through an open manhole.
Giles jumps down through the manhole after Buffy. And as he helps Joyce down, the MAYOR fades
into the shadows and away unseen.
ROBED GUY 1 runs at Buffy. His hood falls back, revealing vamp-face. He grabs hold of her, THROWS
HER. She hits the baby-cart, making it roll. The baby baskets shake and teeter.
ROBED GUY 2 attacks Giles. Giles KNEES HIM in the groin, follows it up with a HEAD BUTT.
Buffy, on her back, KICKS ROBED GUY 1 with both feet, momentarily lifting him off the ground. She
gets to her feet, KICKS him and then STAKES HIM. He turns to DUST. She then STAKES ROBED GUY
2, whom Giles has incapacitated. DUST.
There is just one robed guy (ROBED GUY 3) and Mr. Trick left. Buffy grabs the ROBED GUY 3,
THROWS HIM. He comes down near the T-junction. A RUMBLING SOUND ECHOES.
What the hell’s that?
It gets louder, and in an instant, almost too fast to be seen, a SLICK, DARK, NON-HUMAN HEAD, AS
TALL AS A MAN, SNAPS OUT OF THE JOINING TUNNEL, AND DEVOURS ROBED GUY 3. Just as fast, it
DISAPPEARS into the tunnel. The effect is like an eel, darting its head out of a coral cave to swallow
Lurconis, I’m thinking.
Mr. Trick steps forward.
Ordinarily, I like other people to do
my fighting, but I just have to see
what you got.
Just tell me when it hurts.
Buffy steps forward to square off with Mr. Trick, but Giles rashly pushes past her.
Mr. Trick GRABS GILES. Giles gets in a good solid KICK, but Mr. Trick shakes it off. He grabs Giles.
Then he THROWS him. Giles lands right at the T-junction . . . the entrance to the demon’s tunnel. As
Lurconis senses food on the dinner plate, THE RUMBLING BEGINS.
Giles! Get out of there!
Giles tries, groggily, to stand. He staggers.
Scrambles to grab the cart of babies. She pulls it out of the way.
As the RUMBLING gets louder. She looks around, searching for inspiration. She looks up at . . .
THE EXPOSED GAS PIPES
She jumps up. Hangs on one. It breaks free, gas HISSES out.
Buffy aims the gas at one of the torches.
I love that you guys love torches.
The gas ignites, and Buffy has herself a flame-thrower.
Giles DIVES to one side and she aims the flame into the sewer pipe just a Lurconis’ slimy head darts
out. The flame catches it full in the face. LURCONIS is on fire. It pulls back and we hear its DYING
Victorious, Buffy lets herself drop to the ground. She hears something overhead and looks up to see
Mr. Trick, looking down at her through the open manhole cover.
You and me, girl. There’s high times ahead.
They never just leave. They always
gotta say something . . .
Buffy turns around to see Joyce and the baby-cart standing to one side, out of danger. Giles heads
for Joyce’s side. Buffy hurries over and stands between them.
Can we go home now?
Yeah. Let’s go home. I’ve got the
Oh, blow them off. I’ll write you a note.
Buffy looks tempted for a second, then:
No. That’s okay.
INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE – NIGHT
The Mayor and Mr. Trick sit together.
And your friend?
I paid him. Man did his job, no
reason to burn that bridge.
This didn’t turn out the way I had planned.
Where’s the downside? You just got
one less demon to pay tribute to.
Way I see it, I just did you a favor.
I guess you did.
The smile fades.
In the future, I’d be very careful
how many favors you do for me.
Trick’s smile fades, too.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – A FEW DAYS LATER
Xander, Willow, Cordelia and Oz stand at Xander’s open locker. Principal Snyder approaches them.
Hey, Snyder, heard you had some fun
Friday night. You come down yet?
That’s Principal Snyder.
And that’s a big “yep”.
You look like four young people with
too much time on your hands.
Busy like a bee, actually. Bee-like.
Good, because it seems we had some
vandalism Friday, on school property,
and I was just looking for some
volunteers to help clean up.
Snyder closes Xander’s locker . . . REVEALING A ROW OF SPRAY-PAINTED LOCKERS. They read
Kiss rocks? Why would anyone want to
kiss–? Oh, wait. I get it.
Let’s get you some paint remover.
EXT. SCHOOL – DAY
Buffy walks with Giles in front of the school.
It was just too much to deal with.
It’s like nothing made sense anymore.
The things I thought I understood
were . . . gone. I felt so alone.
Was that the math or the verbal?
Mostly the math.
Well, if you didn’t score well, you
can take them again.
More S.A.T.s. Great. Is there
really a point? I could die before I
even apply to college.
And you very probably may not.
Well, let’s keep hope alive . . .
They reach Joyce, who stands in front of her car.
Hello. Dear me, it certainly looks
like your car had an adventure, doesn’t it?
Buffy assures me it happened while
battling evil, so I’m letting her pay
for it on the installment plan.
As Buffy heads for the car:
Hey, the way things were going, be
glad this is the worst thing that
happened. At least I got to you two
before you, you know, actually did anything.
Buffy gets in, not paying attention to their response:
ANGLE ON: JOYCE AND GILES
She looks around. He finds something fascinating on his lapel.
A moment, then they exit either side of the frame.
END OF SHOW
Sunnydale cemetery at night. The camera is high above and angled down
sharply on Buffy sitting on a blanket with her legs covered by another
one, and Giles behind a nearby gravestone. He has a book open and reads
from it as the camera pans down and pulls in until it is level with him.
Giles: ‘And on that tragic day, an era came to its inevitable end.’
That’s all there is. Are you ready?
Buffy: Hit me.
Giles: Which of the following best expresses the theme of the passage?
A) Violence breeds violence, B) All things must end, C)…
Buffy looks down at her answer sheet and fills in a bubble with her No.
Buffy: ‘B’. I’m going with ‘B’. We haven’t had ‘B’ in forever.
Giles: (exasperated) This is the SATs, Buffy, not connect-the-dots.
Please pay attention. A low score could seriously harm your chances of
getting into college.
Buffy: Gee, thanks. That takes the pressure right off.
Giles: This isn’t meant to be easy, you know. It’s a rite of passage.
Buffy: Well, is it too late to join a tribe where they just pierce
something or cut something off?
Giles: Buffy, please concentrate. (looks back at his book)
She sees a vampire approach behind him.
She tosses her notebook and answer sheet off of her lap and scrambles
out from under her blanket and to her feet.
Giles: (looks up) What?
He sees her rushing toward him, instantly realizes that he needs to get
out of the way and shoulder rolls onto the ground out of danger. Buffy
vaults herself over the gravestone, finishing in a roundoff to the
ground, and without a moment’s hesitation side kicks the advancing
vampire in the stomach. He goes flying backward, landing hard on his
back. Buffy rushes him, grabs his legs and pushes them up, forcing him
into a back roll away from her. The vampire ends up in a standing
position and tries to punch her, but misses her entirely. She tries a
punch, but he middle blocks her and takes a swing with his free hand at
her face. She ducks both it and the next punch he throws. She
straightens back up and roundhouse kicks him in the side, but he keeps
his balance and tries to roundhouse kick her in turn. She ducks it, and
his momentum carries him around in a spin. He comes to a stop facing her
and tries to punch her in the face, but she grabs onto his arm and
blocks his next punch. He brings his free hand up again, but she smashes
her forearm down to block it. Seeing an opening, Buffy takes her pencil
and stabs him cleanly in the chest. She pulls it back out, and the
vampire bursts into ashes. Buffy starts back to her blanket. She looks
at the tip of her pencil and sees that it’s broken.
Buffy: Hmm. I broke my No. 2 pencil. We’ll have to do this again
Giles extends his hand to her holding a sharpened No. 2 pencil.
Giles: C) All systems tend towards chaos.
She flips her broken pencil at him and snatches the new one from his
hand. Giles watches her old pencil fly by him and hit the ground next to
him. Buffy sits back down cross-legged on her blanket and picks up her
notebook and answer sheet.
Buffy: I just know that us and the undead are the only people in
Sunnydale working this late.
She pouts up at Giles and waits for him to start reading again.
Cut to Sunnydale City Hall.
Mayor Wilkins: I appreciate you coming.
Cut inside to the Mayor’s office. He’s leaning on the backrest of his
chair, smiling. He starts to walk out from behind his desk.
Mayor Wilkins: I realize it is early… for you… but I think you’ll
agree that this matter is urgent, (stops next to Trick) also…
Trick: I’m a very delicate person.
Mayor Wilkins: So you feel you can handle this?
Trick: (inhales) It’s a little out of my element, but I can get you
what you need. I know a beast who knows a guy.
Mayor Wilkins: (heads over to a wall cabinet) Are you sure that
subcontracting is the way to go here?
Trick: Well, this guy’s worked your town before, and if he lives up to
his rep, (smiles) this place’ll be in flames.
Mayor Wilkins: I’ve made certain deals to get where I am today. This
demon requires his tribute. (unlocks the cabinet) You see, that’s what
separates me from other politicians, Mr. Trick.
He opens the cabinet. The shelves are full of occult paraphernalia:
skulls, a fetus preserved in a bottle, various urns and chests, a
shrunken head, the bones of a forearm and hand, and various tools of the
trade. Trick looks uneasily at all of it from his vantage point by the
Mayor Wilkins: I keep my campaign promises.
He reaches in and takes out the shrunken head. He pulls on the tuft of
hair at the top, and a small section of the head pulls open and folds
back on the leathery skin. The Mayor takes a quick sniff from the hole
and closes the flap of skull and skin again.
Mayor Wilkins: Where’d I put that Scotch? (looks around)
Opening credits roll. Buffy’s theme plays.
~ ~ Part 1 ~ ~
The quad at Sunnydale High. Buffy, Willow and Oz appear at the top of
the outside stairs and start down.
Buffy: And then I was being chased by an improperly filled-in answer
bubble screaming, ‘none of the above!’
Willow: Wow. I hope that wasn’t one of your prophecy dreams. (gets a
look from Buffy) Probably not.
Oz: Hey, you know, I took it last year. I could help you get ready.
There’s this whole trick to antonyms, but… this isn’t the place.
Willow: Oz is the highest-scoring person ever to fail to graduate.
They reach the bottom of the stairs and continue to walk along the
Buffy: Isn’t she cute when she’s proud?
Oz: She’s always cute.
Cordelia and Xander come out through the breezeway and walk behind them.
Willow: We could work on it tonight.
Xander: Work on what tonight?
Cordelia: Oh, God. Are we killing something again?
Buffy: Only my carefree spirit.
Oz: Buffy SAT prep.
Willow: Oz is helping. (smiling proudly) He’s the highest-scoring…
Cordelia: (interrupts) We know. We did the impressed thing already.
Xander: I hate they make us take that thing. It’s totally fascist, and
personally, I think it, uh, discriminates against the uninformed.
Cordelia: Actually, I’m looking forward to it. I do well on
She gets looks from everyone.
Cordelia: What? I can’t have layers?
Cut to the hall doors near the cafeteria. The group enters.
Willow: So, Buff, study tonight?
Buffy: Uh, yes on the studying, no on tonight. I’m putting in Mom time.
She’s been drastic ever since I got back. And Giles is even worse. I’m
They turn into the cafeteria.
Buffy: It’s like being in the Real World house, only real.
They see a table piled up with boxes of Milkbar fund-raiser chocolate
bars. Other students are each taking a box as Snyder checks their names
off on his clipboard.
Willow: Ooh, candy bars! Lots of ’em!
Snyder holds out a box.
Xander: Principal Snyder, thank you! (takes the box) You weren’t
visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past, by any chance?
Snyder: It’s band candy.
Buffy: Let’s hear it for the band, huh? Very generous.
Snyder: You will sell it to raise money for the marching band. They
need new uniforms.
Xander: Yeah. Those tall, fuzzy hats ain’t cheap, huh?
Oz: But they go with everything.
Willow smiles at that.
Buffy: I’m sure we love the idea of going all Willy Loman, but we’re
not in the band.
Snyder: And if I’d handed you a trombone, that would’ve been a problem,
Summers. (holds out a box) It’s candy. (she takes it) Sell it.
He walks off leaving them all staring at their boxes.
Cut to the kitchen at Buffy’s house. She and her mother are eating
Chinese food for dinner at the island.
Joyce: But you’re not in the band.
Buffy: And yet.
Joyce: Buffy, what would I do with forty chocolate bars?
Buffy: You could hand them out at the Gallery. ‘Buy something Pre-
Columbian, get a free cavity.’
Her mother considers, and decides it can’t hurt to at least help.
She hands her daughter back the box.
Buffy: You’re a good mom. (sets down the box)
Joyce: I’m the best.
Buffy: (picks up her glass) No, I’m pretty sure the best moms let their
She takes a sip of her water, eyeing her mother hopefully.
Joyce: And yet.
Buffy: (sets down her glass) Oh, come on!
Joyce: (gets up) Look, let’s not have this conversation. (goes to the
Buffy: But I took the class. I watched the filmstrips with the blood
and the death and the corpses. I’m prepped.
Joyce: (opens the fridge) Honey, (grabs the water jug) you failed the
written test. (pours herself more) They wouldn’t even let you take the
road test. (puts the water back)
Buffy: That was a year ago. And I don’t test well… she said, two days
before the SATs.
Joyce: (comes back to her seat) I spend enough time not knowing where
you are. (sits) I don’t wanna add to that the possibility that you’re on
the highway to Chicago. (takes a drink)
Buffy: (dumbfounded) I can’t believe you. I’m not taking off again.
(shrugs) Besides, if I wanted to, I could just get on a bus.
Joyce: Stop. (inhales) Don’t. (exhales and looks at Buffy intensely) I
just don’t want you driving, okay? I want you here.
Buffy: (widens her eyes) I’m here. Hmm? (picks up her egg roll) See me
here. (takes a bite) Mm-hm?
Joyce nods and turns back to her plate.
Buffy: (with her mouth full) Mm… I gotta go. (gets up and grabs her
box of candy bars)
Joyce: What, you’re going out?
Buffy: (turns back at the door) Giles. Slay-study double feature. Could
Joyce: Again? Honey, don’t you think Mr. Giles is monopolizing an awful
lot of your time?
Buffy: And does he ever say he’s sorry?
Cut to the library. Giles is tying a blindfold tightly around Buffy’s
Buffy: Why do I put up with this?
Giles: Because it is your destiny… (walks around her) and because I
just bought twenty ‘cocorific’ candy bars. (hands her a large rubber
Buffy: Okay, you’re just doing this to take funny pictures of me.
Giles: (walks around her) I’m doing it to test your awareness of an
opponent’s location during a fight in total darkness. Now, wait five
seconds and then throw the ball at me.
He silently backtracks and takes several steps away from her toward the
Buffy: You ran out of new training ideas about a week ago, huh? Okay.
Five, four, three, two, one.
She turns around and faces the door to Giles’ office. He smiles,
thinking she’s completely clueless as to where he is. Buffy throws the
ball. It hits the wall high above the checkout counter and bounces off.
Giles: It’s not that simple, is it…
The ball bumps him in the side of the head.
Giles: Ow. Ahem. Yes, well, very good.
Buffy: (takes off the blindfold) Thanks! (heads out of the library)
Giles: W-w-w-where are you going? We have to patrol!
Buffy: (stops and faces him) I can’t. Mom’s in hyperdrive. She wants me
home tonight. I told you. (starts out again)
Giles: But, I…
Buffy: (stops by the door) I know, I know. She’s out of control. Enjoy
the candy! (leaves)
Giles looks at the swinging library door for a moment, considering her
Cut to Angel’s mansion. Cut inside. The door to the atrium is open. The
camera slowly tracks toward it. Soon a shirtless Angel is in view,
practicing the slow, elegant forms of T’ai Chi. He brings his arms down
together in front of him and then over to his right. As he brings his
left arm up across his abdomen, he crosses his right arm over his left.
His motions remains fluid as he slowly moves his left arm out in front
of him, palm up, and extends his right arm out to his side. He draws his
arms together again, this time crossing his left arm over his right and
repeats a mirror image of his last move. Never stopping his motion, he
brings both hands to his waist, palms facing forward, and slowly raises
his right arm and sweeps it across in front of himself, palm down, while
he sweeps his left arm across below his right, palm up. Buffy walks into
the doorway and stops just to watch him, amazed at the fluidity and
smoothness of his motions. Angel doesn’t notice her, and continues the
exercises. He has his arms extended, his left hand angled up sharply
from his forearm, and his right hand clasping the heel of his left. He
brings them around in a broad sweeping motion toward Buffy and then
raises them, separates them and spreads them apart with his palms facing
away from him. He raises his head as he does so and sees Buffy standing
there watching him.
She looks down briefly, slightly embarrassed to be caught watching him
like that, and then looks up at him again with a little smile on her
Buffy: I didn’t know you could do that.
He gives her the briefest glimpse of a small smile as he tries to
straighten himself up from his slightly bent stance.
Angel: I-I’m feeling better.
He can’t maintain his posture, and bends back over, supporting himself
with his right hand on his knee. Buffy rushes to his aid.
She gets under his left arm and helps him stand up straight.
Buffy: Let’s… get you inside.
They slowly make their way back into the mansion. Cut inside. There is a
warm fire going in the fireplace. Buffy picks up a small paper bag as
they go past the coffee table in front of it.
Angel: It’s late. How’d you get away?
Buffy: Aw, it was easy. Started a fire in the prison laundry room. Rode
out in the garbage truck.
They stop and let go. Angel faces Buffy, not sure what to make of that.
He sits on the edge of the couch.
Buffy: I’m joking. (raises her right hand and waves it) No garbage.
She steps closer to him, but stops. Angel just looks up at her. She
lowers her arm and sighs. She puts the bag down next to him and steps
over to an adjacent couch set at a right angle to his, and sits also,
but very stiffly. Angel leans back on his cushions.
Angel: How is, uh… Scott?
Buffy: Scott? (smiles weakly and looks down) Oh, um… boyfriend Scott.
Uh… (inhales deeply) A-actually, he’s not… (looks up at him) He’s
fine. (exhales and nods)
Angel gives her a little nod. Buffy indicates the bag she left next to
Buffy: Uh, that’s for you.
Angel reaches for it.
Buffy: Uh… I-it’s fresh from the butcher.
He reaches in and takes out a quart-sized plastic tub of blood. He gives
it a brief look, then slips it back into the bag and sets it aside.
Buffy looks away shyly, knowing he doesn’t want to eat in front of her.
Angel: You’re being careful, right?
Buffy: (looks up surprised) With Scott?
Angel: The slaying.
Buffy: Oh. (smiles and exhales) Uh… Yeah. Of course. (nodding a lot)
Full of carefulness.
Angel: (looks down) I worry about you. (looks at her)
Buffy: (pauses briefly) I worry about you.
He stares down again for a moment, stroking the cushions.
Angel: I’m getting stronger.
Buffy: (gives him a little smile) Yeah, pretty soon, you won’t even
Angel: (nods a little) That’ll be better.
Buffy: (unsure how to take that) Yeah.
They continue to sit in silence.
Cut to Buffy’s house. She opens the front door and comes in. She swings
it closed behind her and sets her books down on the table by the coat
rack. She turns around and is startled by her mother standing by the
stairs and looking at her unusually calmly while rubbing her fingers
over a chocolate bar in her hands.
Buffy: Hey! (thinks fast) Uh, sorry I’m late. You know Giles. All slay,
all the time.
Giles steps into view from the dining room with his arms crossed and a
stern look on his face.
Giles: Hello, Buffy.
Buffy: (gestures into the living room) Do you guys wanna watch some
television? I hear there’s a very insightful Nightline on.
Joyce: Buffy, you lied to us. And you made us into your alibis.
That’s… playing us against each other, and that’s not fair.
Giles: I called Willow. (Buffy is at a loss) You also lied to her about
your whereabouts. We were all concerned.
Joyce unwraps her chocolate bar and holds it out to Giles to take a
Giles: Oh, thank you. (breaks off a piece)
Buffy: Look, I’m sorry, but I had to…
She turns around and walks into the living room. Joyce follows her, and
Giles also a few paces behind.
Joyce: Were you at the Bronze? What was happening there that was so
Buffy stops, lets out an exasperated sigh and turns to face her mother.
Buffy: (gestures and shrugs) Bronze things. Things of Bronze.
Joyce chews on a piece of her chocolate bar.
Joyce: (condescendingly) You’re acting really immature, Buffy.
Giles: (also chewing) I know I’m not your parent, but I am responsible
for you. I think your mum’s right. (sits on a couch armrest)
Buffy: Okay, fine. I’m acting like a child. Maybe that’s because you’re
both treating me like a child.
Joyce: (sounding hurt) Buffy!
Buffy: You’re both scheduling me twenty-four hours a day. Between the
two of you, that’s forty-eight hours. (Giles takes off his glasses) I
just wanna be able to make a few decisions on my own.
Joyce: The last time you made a decision on your own, you split. (pops
another piece of candy)
Buffy: Yeah, and I took care of myself. I don’t need this much active
Joyce: (incredulous) You can’t really be trying to use this summer as a
reason you should be trusted. (eats another piece)
Buffy: You can’t babysit me all the time. I need you to back off a
Giles: (holds up his hand) Uh, alright, come on. Let’s, let’s not, uh,
Buffy: (taken aback) ‘Freak out’?
Giles: Mm-hm. (stands up) Uh, I think you should go to bed. (puts his
glasses back on) Um, we’re all tired.
Buffy just looks at the two of them as though they’re crazy. She faces
away for a moment and then walks off to her room. Her mother watches her
go, shaking her head.
Joyce: Oh, she just drives me crazy!
She sighs and crumbles up the end of the candy wrapper and drops it onto
the coffee table. Giles scratches his head and steps back over to the
couch to sit. Joyce goes to join him.
Joyce: I just want to protect her.
They both sit down. The camera lowers its angle.
Giles: Don’t all parents want that?
He reaches into his jacket pocket to pull out a candy bar of his own.
There is an entire box of them on the coffee table next to various
picture books. He starts to unwrap his bar.
Joyce: Yeah, but at least most parents have some idea what to protect
their children from.
Giles: Yeah. And I think we should both be especially careful.
He breaks off a piece, sticks it into his mouth and hands the rest to
She takes a piece and munches on it. Giles reaches into the box on the
table for yet another bar.
Cut to the Milkbar factory, makers of “The Best Chocolate Bar”,
according to the box. A worker opens the top box of an as yet unsealed
case and reaches in for a bar. He pulls back the outer wrapper, looks
around to see if anyone is watching, and starts to peel back the foil
when suddenly Ethan Rayne comes up behind him and puts his hand on his
Ethan: Trust me. (steps around the worker to face him) You don’t want
to eat that.
Ethan walks off as the worker quickly puts the bar back into its box
before it gets sealed for shipping.
~ ~ Part 2 ~ ~
Study hall in the science classroom. A boy throws a wad of paper at
Boy: Think fast.
The target boy almost manages to catch the paper, snags it as it’s about
to roll from the table and sets it aside. A moment later he takes it
again and looks back at the boy who threw it, watching for an opening.
The camera closes in on Cordelia and Buffy sitting at the table behind
Cordelia: (sighs) I heard that there was a secret rule that if a
teacher’s more than ten minutes late, we can all leave.
Buffy: (looks up from studying) It’s Giles’ turn to watch study hall.
He’ll be here. (looks back at her book) He’s allergic to late.
Cordelia: (sighs) He is wound a little tight. I had this philosophy
book checked out from the library for, like, a year, and he made me pay
the fine, even though it was huge. (Buffy gives her a look) I was sad to
return it. (smiles) It was perfect for starting conversations with
college boys. (lets out a little laugh) Of course, that was B.X.
Buffy: B.X.? (gets a nod from Cordelia) Before Xander. Clever.
They both go back to their studying. Willow and Xander are at the table
behind them. Xander is busy munching on a chocolate bar. The books in
front of him are closed.
Xander: I like chocolate. (Willow looks at him) There is no bad here.
Willow: You still have some left? (shrugs) I went to, like, four
houses, and they were gone. It’s like Trick-or-Treating in reverse.
(smiles at him)
Xander: I know. These things are selling like hot cakes… (they look
at each other) which is ironic, ’cause the hot cakes really aren’t
The camera descends below the lab table. Their knees are touching. They
each dangle a leg from their stools and brush them against each other.
Xander: And it’s, uh, ahem, fun to sell chocolate. Ahem.
Willow rubs her calf along Xander’s shin. Cut back above.
Willow: And we’re raising a lot of money for the band.
Xander looks back and forth between Willow and his chocolate bar a few
times, then focuses on his candy. Willow plays with her pencil while
looking at her book.
Xander: The band. Yeah. They’re great. They march.
Cut below the table. They continue to rub their legs together.
Willow: Like an army. (cut above) (very distracted) E-e-except with
music instead of bullets, and… usually no one dies.
Cut below. They rub their shoes against each other with their legs still
crossed. Cut above. Cordelia suddenly turns to face them.
Cordelia: I can’t believe this.
Cut below. Willow and Xander immediately whip their legs apart. Cut
above. They both hit opposite legs of the table and make it lurch with a
loud thunk and pray that they haven’t given themselves away.
Cordelia: Where is Giles already? I’m bored, and he’s not here to give
me credit for it.
Buffy looks over at the classroom door, suddenly concerned.
Cut to the halls. Principal Snyder and Ms. Barton are walking toward the
classroom. Snyder has a chocolate bar in his hands.
Snyder: The big pinhead librarian didn’t show up, and I don’t wanna do
it. (points at her with his candy bar) You do it.
Ms. Barton: Alright, fine. I’ll do it.
She turns to go into the room and rolls her eyes.
Snyder: (to himself) Everybody expects me to do everything around here
because I’m the principal. (starts to walk) It’s not fair.
Cut into the science room. Ms. Barton comes in and claps her hands a few
times to get the students’ attention.
Ms. Barton: Hey! We’re all stuck here, okay? So now let’s just sit
quietly and, (indicates a book on the teacher’s desk and smiles) and
pretend we’re reading something (Buffy is confused) until we’re really
sure that old Commandant Snyder’s gone. Then we’re all outta here!
Xander: Does anyone else wanna marry Ms. Barton?
Cordelia: Get in line.
Willow: I guess Giles isn’t coming?
Buffy: (very concerned) I guess not.
Cut to outside Giles’ apartment. Buffy walks up to the door and stops.
She peers in through the view port, sees Giles and goes in. Cut inside.
Giles is crouched by a cabinet where he keeps his vinyl record
collection, looking at an album. Buffy comes in and closes the door
behind her. The sound gets Giles’ attention, and he looks up.
He slips the record into the cabinet. The camera cuts behind him and
slowly pans right past his couch where Joyce is sitting.
Buffy: (walks in) Uh… sorry. I… I was just worried. You were a big
not-there in study hall, and after your lecture to me on not ducking
out… (confused) and what is my mother doing here?
Giles steps over to Joyce.
Giles: (with a mouth full of chocolate) We had an opportunity for, um,
you might say, a summit meeting. It took priority over study hall. I
Buffy: (still confused) Oh.
Joyce: We decided that you made a good point earlier, honey.
She and Giles both nod.
Buffy: I did. Yeah. (very confused now) Which was…?
Joyce: A-about us overscheduling you. (looks to Giles for support)
Giles: Pulling you in two directions, (sits on the coffee table) uh,
your home life and your duties as a Slayer.
Buffy: Oh. That was a good point.
Joyce: We’re working out a coordinated schedule for you.
Giles: It’ll be tight, but, uh, I think we can fit in all your
Buffy: (gives them an uncertain smile) Sounds nice and structured.
Joyce: We’ve got more work to do here, honey. Why don’t you give us a
little more time?
Giles gets up and walks over to the fireplace mantel to stare at a
picture. Joyce reaches into her purse, pulls out her car keys and stands
Joyce: Um… Take the car, and, um, Mr. Giles can drive me home. (holds
out the keys)
Buffy: (wide-eyed) What? (smiles and shakes her head) Excuse me, I
Joyce: Keys. Take them.
Buffy: You don’t have to tell me twice. Well, actually, you did,
but… (snatches the keys) bye! (rushes out)
Joyce: Bye, honey. Drive careful.
Buffy: (opens the door) Uh-huh!
She runs out the door without looking back, pulling it closed behind
her. Joyce turns to face Giles.
Joyce: Do you think she noticed anything?
He turns to face her. A cigarette dangles from his lips. He lights his
Giles: No way!
He holds the flame to his cigarette. Joyce smiles and reaches down for a
bottle that she had squirreled away under the end table. She twists off
the cap. Giles closes his lighter and takes a drag. He takes the
cigarette out of his mouth and takes a deep breath.
Cut to a residential street later that night. Buffy and Willow are
driving along in Joyce’s Jeep.
Willow: Tell me again how it happened.
Buffy: Told my mom I wanted to be treated more like a grownup, and
voila: (smiles) driviness.
She takes a corner without slowing down, and skids around it. That
shakes up Willow, and she begins to breathe nervously.
Buffy: Also, I think she wanted me otherwhere. Considering my mom and
Giles are planning my future, I think it’s easier for them to live my
life if I’m not actually there.
Willow: (notices the parking brake) Do you know that you have the
parking brake on?
She releases the parking brake. The engine suddenly begins to rev much
higher, and they accelerate.
Willow: (nervously) Are, are you sure about the Bronze? I mean, the
SATs are tomorrow.
Buffy: I can study at the Bronze. (smiles) A little dancing, a little
cross-multiplying. (smiles wickedly) You know what we need?
She reaches over, turns on the radio and begins to turn the station
dial. In the process she bends over too low to see over the dashboard.
Willow: Eyes on the road! Eyes on the road!
While changing stations, Buffy doesn’t realize that she is pulling on
the steering wheel, and the car makes a wide left turn, but fortunately
onto another road, and so doesn’t hit anything.
Cut to Giles apartment. He’s lying on his back on the floor, coat and
tie gone, shirt unbuttoned to reveal his undershirt, getting ready to
light a pair of cigarettes as he grooves to the sound of Cream singing
“Tales of Brave Ulysses” on vinyl playing on his record player. Joyce is
sitting cross-legged in front of his record cabinet looking through his
albums as she grooves also.
Joyce: You got good albums.
Giles: Yeah, they’re okay. (lights the cigarettes)
Lyrics: And the colors of the sea bind your eyes with trembling
Joyce: Do you like Seals and Croft?
Giles turns his head to give her a look.
Lyrics: And you touch the distant beaches with tales of brave Ulysses
Joyce: Yeah, me neither.
Giles hands her one of the smokes.
Lyrics: How his naked ears were tortured by the sirens sweetly singing
Joyce: Thanks. (takes a drag)
Lyrics: For the sparkling waves are calling you
Joyce: So how come they, uh, call you Ripper?
Lyrics: To kiss their white-laced lips
Giles: (sits up) Wouldn’t you like to know.
The song goes into a guitar riff between verses.
Giles: Hmm, wait a minute. Listen to this bit.
He gets into it, smiling, bobbing his head and waving his cigarette to
the beat. Behind him Joyce takes another drag.
Giles: It rocks!
Lyrics: And you see a girl’s brown body
Joyce: It’s good.
Giles gets up and goes to look into the mirror above the record cabinet.
Giles: Man, I gotta get a band together.
He starts running his fingers through his hair.
Lyrics: Dancing through the turquoise
Joyce: (stands up) Hey, Ripper, you wanna watch TV?
Lyrics: And her footprints make you follow where the sky loves the sea
Joyce: (leans against the cabinet) I know how to order pay-per-view.
Giles: (takes off his outer shirt) No, let’s go out and have some fun.
Lyrics: And when your fingers find her, she drowns you in her body
Giles: Tear things up a bit.
Joyce: Okay. We could go to the Bronze.
Lyrics: Carving deep blue ripples in the tissues of your mind
Giles: Not bloody likely. That place is dead.
Cut to the Bronze. A guy has his head tilted back as the bartender pours
orange juice and vodka directly into his mouth. His friends surround him
and goad him on. There are unusual numbers of older people there.
Dingoes Ate My Baby (Four Star Mary) is on the stage performing
“Violent”. The dance floor is very crowded with people of all ages. Even
the older couples are dancing to the beat of the band. On stage Devon
dances around to the lead-in. Just before the song begins he leans over
Devon: Hey, they’re diggin’ us, man!
Cut to Willow and Buffy coming into the Bronze. They look around at the
unusual mix of people in the crowd.
Lyrics: The strangest things / I’ve always known
Oz sees Willow and smiles.
Lyrics: It slays me every time
Willow and Buffy give each other very amazed and concerned looks.
Lyrics: Darkened fields / Have overgrown
Willow and Buffy continue through the crowd.
Buffy: Let’s do the time warp again.
Lyrics: You want to lay me out?
Willow: Maybe there’s a reunion in town or, or a Billy Joel tour or
Lyrics: Tie me down? / Tie me
Ms. Barton walks past the two girls.
Buffy: Ms. Barton?
Ms. Barton: (stops and faces her) Buffy? Whoa!
Lyrics: Our love
Willow: Are you okay, Ms. Barton?
Lyrics: Covered in my blood
Ms. Barton: (smiles widely) Oh, I’m cool, Willow. (realizes) Willow…
That’s a tree. (giggles) You’re a tree!
Willow and Buffy exchange a look.
Lyrics: Is so violent
Ms. Barton: (looks around) Yeah, uh, uh, are there any nachos in here,
Lyrics: Our love
Buffy: A-are you sure you don’t need some fresh air, Ms. Barton?
Ms. Barton: (laughs hysterically) Okay… (goes into the crowd)
Lyrics: Covered in my blood
Willow: Hey, this is not normal.
Buffy gives her a look.
Lyrics: Is so violent
Willow: Uh, w-well, maybe that goes without saying.
Snyder spots them from behind and comes up between them.
Snyder: (smiling hugely) Hey, gang! (puts his arms around the girls’
shoulders) This place is Fun City, huh? (laughs)
Buffy: Principal Snyder?
Lyrics: Shake this scene / another one
Snyder: Call me Snyder. Just a last name, like… (trying to be cool)
He lets go of the girls and pumps his arms and fists around wildly.
Willow leans slightly away from him.
Snyder: Ooh! I’m so stoked!
Willow has no idea what to make of this. Snyder comes back down from his
outburst and lets out a breath.
Lyrics: It plays me every time
Snyder: Hey, did you see Ms. Barton? I think she’s wasted.
Lyrics: We’re not that green
Snyder: I’m gonna have to put that in her next performance review
’cause… (smiles) ’cause I’m the principal! (laughs)
Lyrics: We’re overdone
Snyder turns around and heads back into the crowd.
Lyrics: You want to lay me out?
Willow: (to Buffy) I don’t like this. They could have heart attacks.
Lyrics: Tie me down?
Buffy: Uh, well… ma-maybe there’s a doctor here.
An older, shirtless man jumps up onto the stage, pushes Devon away from
the microphone stand and yells out into the crowd.
Man: (yelling) Yeeeeaaaaaah!
Willow: I think that is my doctor.
The man jumps from the stage expecting to be caught by the crowd, but
they don’t react fast enough, and he slams into the floor. Willow and
Buffy both cringe at the sight.
Willow: He-he’s usually less… topless.
Snyder sticks his head between the girls.
Snyder: I got a commendation for being principal. (impressed with
himself) From the Mayor! (gestures) Shook my hand twice.
Buffy: That’s nice.
Snyder nods and inhales deeply. Two attractive women walk past them with
drinks. Snyder makes eyes at them.
Snyder: Whoa! There are some foxy ladies here tonight!
He heads off after them. Buffy and Willow walk in the other direction.
Willow: What’s happening?
Buffy: I don’t know, but it’s happening to a whole lot of grownups.
They stop by the stairs. Willow looks around at the crowd.
Willow: They’re acting like a bunch…
Buffy: They’re acting like a bunch of us.
Lyrics: Our love
Willow: (confused) I don’t act like this.
Lyrics: Covered in my blood
Cut to the Milkbar factory. Boxes of chocolate bars keep rolling off of
the line. Trick and Ethan walk through the shipping area.
Trick: Demand’s high.
Ethan: I thought it might be.
Trick: That’s the reason I love this country. You make a good product,
and the people will come to you. Of course, a lot of them are gonna die,
but that’s the other reason I love this country.
They stop walking, and Trick steps over to the man inspecting the boxes
before they get sealed.
Trick: Hey! Don’t sample the product.
Man: But I didn’t.
Trick grabs him by the overalls, pulls him into a headlock and jerks his
head around, breaking his neck and throwing him to the floor. Ethan
looks away in distaste. Trick straightens his jacket and checks his
pinky ring. They continue to walk.
Ethan: Okay. Uh, how did you know he was…
Trick: I don’t. Now I know no one else will. (checks his watch) We’re
getting close. (to a line worker) Keep it flowing. (to Ethan) It’s
almost feeding time.
He walks off leaving Ethan standing there staring after him. After a
moment Ethan heads back the way they came.
Cut to the Bronze. The Dingoes are between sets, and Oz has joined
Willow and Buffy. They all observe the crowd. “Slip Jimmy”, by Every Bit
of Nothing, plays in the background.
Buffy: Something’s definitely changing them.
Willow: A spell?
Oz: They’re teenagers. It’s a sobering mirror to look into, huh?
Snyder walks by, sees Oz and stops.
Snyder: You’ve got great hair.
He walks around Oz, smiling and staring at his hair. Suddenly the music
stops and a group of older men start singing “Louie Louie” up on the
stage. They are off key, out of sync and basically just plain terrible,
but the crowd dances to them anyway.
Old men: Louie Louie / Oh, baby / We gotta go / Yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah / Louie Louie / Oh, baby / We gotta go / Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
An old nerd walks by as Buffy and Oz stare.
Willow: It just gets more upsetting.
Several older couples on the dance floor kiss passionately.
Old men: Louie Louie / Oh, baby / We gotta go / Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Buffy: No vampire has ever been (points at the stage) that scary.
Old men: Louie Louie / Oh baby / We gotta go
Behind them a man staggers through the crowd, drunk and munching on a
chocolate bar. He bumps into another man. They face each other and begin
to pick a fight.
Snyder turns to face the group, smiling and nodding his head vigorously.
Willow lets out a helpless sigh. Buffy starts to head out.
Buffy: We’ve gotta figure out what’s going on. This has Hellmouth
fingerprints all over it.
Willow and Oz follow her. She stops by a pinball machine where she sees
a woman hold out a candy bar to her boyfriend. He takes a huge bite
while he keeps playing the game. Their pause gives Snyder a chance to
catch up after noticing they are leaving.
Snyder: Hey, where are we going?
The four of them leave the club. Cut outside. The three teenagers rush
out and head for Joyce’s car. Snyder is still inside.
Snyder: Wait up, you guys!
He comes out the door.
Snyder: Hey! You guys aren’t trying to ditch me, are ya?
Buffy, Willow and Oz get into the Jeep. Snyder follows them.
Oz: We should find Giles. He’ll know what’s going on, right?
Snyder runs up to the passenger side of the car, and seeing the places
are taken, he goes around to the driver’s side.
Buffy: Sure. Except for all we know, he’s sweet sixteen again. (pulls
on her seat belt)
Willow: He’s with your mom at his place.
Buffy starts the car. Snyder opens the door behind her and gets in.
Snyder: I said, wait up! (slams the door)
Oz: Uh, Snyder…
Buffy: No time. He’s coming with us.
She puts the car in gear and slams on the gas, burning some rubber in
her hurry to get going.
Snyder: Whoa, Summers! You drive like a spaz!
Cut to a residential street. Two father types, one in his Volvo, the
other in his Hyundai, are gunning their engines and munching on
chocolate while waiting for the light to turn green. They look over at
each other and nod and smile in anticipation of their race. They both
take big bites out of their bars. A moment later the light turns, and
they’re off, tires screeching loudly as they race across the
intersection and down the street.
Cut to a playground in a park. The mailman is sitting on the carousel
reading other people’s mail. He laughs while he reads, then opens
another one. Behind him couples are necking and chasing each other
around. Near the jungle gym a couple of guys toss a Frisbee around.
Cut to a street. Buffy and company come driving along at a fast clip.
Cut inside the car.
Willow: It’ll be okay when we get to Giles’.
Oz: Of course, I mean, even if he’s sixteen, he’s still Giles, right?
He’s probably a pretty together guy.
Willow: (worried) Yeah, well…
Buffy: Giles at sixteen? Less Together Guy, more Bad-Magic-Hates-The-
Oz: Well, then I guess your mom’s in a lotta trouble.
Snyder raises his eyebrows and nods.
Cut to the shopping district. Giles and Joyce walk along with their arms
around each other.
Joyce: Must be exciting being from England. (chews her gum)
Giles: Not particularly. (kicks a can) You cold? (takes a puff of his
Joyce: Nah-uh. I feel… special, like I’m just waking up, kinda.
Giles: Oh, yeah?
Joyce: Yeah, like, uh, getting married and having a kid and everything
was just a dream, and now things are back like they’re supposed to be.
They walk past a boutique with some retro clothes on display in the
window, and stop to look. Joyce spies a feathered wrap.
Joyce: That’s cool! (nods, smiles, chews) Very Juice Newton.
Giles: (checks his hair in the reflection) You fancy it?
Joyce: Yeah, but the store’s closed.
Giles takes a final drag from his cigarette, then tosses it aside. He
grabs a trashcan and idly swings it toward the store’s display window.
Joyce quickly steps away. The glass shatters and falls everywhere when
the can hits, and an alarm goes off. Joyce smiles widely and giggles
hysterically while Giles climbs in and takes the wrap off of the
mannequin. He grabs the hat from the mannequin as well and sets it on
his head. Joyce looks around to see if anyone is coming. Giles comes
back out and hops down to the sidewalk from the window opening.
Joyce: Oh, Ripper! Wow, that was sooo brave!
He helps her on with the wrap. Suddenly a policeman appears behind them
and aims his gun at them.
Officer: Hold it!
Giles and Joyce freeze.
Cut to an intersection. The camera starts high, showing that the light
is green, and pans down to the gang driving along. Cut inside the car.
Snyder: This is great! Let’s do doughnuts in the football field, huh?
They head into the intersection. Another Jeep comes in the other
direction. The driver is too busy trying to get a chocolate bar
unwrapped to realize that his light is red.
Willow: Oh, my God, look out!
They all tense up for the impact. The other Jeep hits them hard on the
left rear door and back panel, making them spin around a quarter turn.
~ ~ Part 3 ~ ~
The street in front of the boutique. The police officer has his Beretta
9mm aimed at Giles, who lets go of Joyce to face him. Joyce backs away
slowly. Giles takes the hat from his head and tosses it aside. He steps
toward the officer and waves his arms around, taunting him.
Giles: Ooo… Copper’s got a gun!
He jumps around a bit, taunting the officer some more.
Giles: You’ll never use it, though, man.
Officer: Will so.
Giles spies a candy bar in the officer’s front jacket pocket.
Joyce: Ripper, be careful!
This distracts the officer, and Giles bats his gun-holding hand aside,
grabs it and holds onto it as he head-butts the older man in the
forehead and knees him in the crotch and again in the gut. The cop
doubles over in pain. Giles twists the officer’s arm up above his head
and takes the Beretta from him, and then knees him in the face. The cop
falls over unconscious. Giles sticks the gun into the back of his pants.
Giles: Told him he’d never use it. (smiles)
He sashays coolly over to Joyce as she leans against the police car.
Joyce: You are sooo cool. (laughs) You’re like Burt Reynolds.
In a flash Giles has one hand around her neck and the other around her
back. She startles and gasps, but doesn’t struggle. Instead she takes
the gum out of her mouth and they kiss passionately. Giles leans her
back over the hood of the car. The camera follows her down and continues
until it comes to rest on the emblem of the Sunnydale Police Department
on the side of the car.
Cut to Buffy’s accident site. The two Jeeps are stopped side by side
facing in opposite directions. The driver of the other Jeep quickly gets
Man: Sorry! Gotta go!
He runs off laughing as Buffy and the others get out of her mother’s
car. Her first instinct is to chase the man, but she lets him go and
looks at the dent in the car.
Buffy: Oh, God.
She closes her door. Snyder swings his door closed as well, but it won’t
shut properly anymore.
Buffy: Are you guys okay?
Snyder nods as he also looks at the dents. Willow and Oz walk around the
Willow: Is anybody else all creeped out and trembly?
Off to the side they see three men sitting in the playground, laughing
Snyder: Oh, Buffy… (rubs his shoulder) Your mom’s gonna kill you.
Buffy looks at the other side of the street and sees five guys hanging
out by a tree.
Buffy: Something’s weird.
Oz: Something’s not?
Buffy: No grownups.
Two women strut past the men by the tree, munching on chocolate. The
guys give them catcalls. Snyder starts to unwrap a bar of his own.
Buffy: No one’s protecting their houses. Everyone’s just… wandering.
A man runs up behind Snyder, grabs his chocolate bar and runs off with
Willow and Oz stare at the man as he runs away.
Snyder: Hey, give it! (goes after the man)
Buffy: So where are all the vampires?
They all consider this strange dilemma.
Buffy: Soup’s on, but no one’s grabbing a spoon.
Oz: Something’s happening… someplace that’s else.
Buffy: I’d say something big.
Snyder: (returns upset) That guy took my candy!
Buffy suddenly gets it, and gives Willow and Oz an astonished look.
Buffy: The candy. I-it’s gotta be the candy! It’s cursed.
Willow and Oz exchange a look.
Snyder: (worried) A curse?! Oh, I’ve got a curse.
Willow: God, using candy for evil!
Oz: My parents ate a ton.
Buffy looks at Snyder and jumps at him, pushing him up against the other
Buffy: Who’s behind it?
Snyder: (confused) I don’t know. It came through the school board.
(shakes his head) If you knew that crowd…
Buffy: (losing her patience) Where did it come from? Do you know where
to get it?
Buffy: (to Willow and Oz) You guys get Xander and Cordelia. Go to the
library and look it up.
Oz: Candy curses?
Willow: Disturbing second childhood. Got it.
She takes Oz’s hand, and they start on their way.
Buffy: (to Snyder) Ratboy and I are going to the source.
She shoves him toward the car.
Cut to the loading dock behind the Milkbar factory. Two men have cases
of chocolate open and are throwing them out into a crowd. The camera
pans over the crowd, which is getting larger and rowdier by the minute,
past Giles and Joyce, who are into some serious snogging, and comes to
rest on Joyce’s Jeep as Buffy pulls it to a screeching halt. She and
Snyder get out and march over to the crowd. Just as she passes her
mother and Watcher, Buffy stops in her tracks. She turns to face them.
Buffy: Mom? Giles?!
Giles: (not skipping a beat) Go away. We’re busy.
She pulls her mother away from her Watcher.
Buffy: (shocked) Where did you get that coat? Never mind. Listen…
Giles grabs her arm and turns her to face him.
Giles: Back off!
Buffy: Giles, think about this. You wanna fight me, or you wanna let me
talk to my mother?
Giles realizes he wouldn’t have a chance against her and backs down,
yanking his hand from her and up to the side of his face, where he grabs
a cigarette from behind his ear. Buffy turns back to her mother as Giles
puts the cigarette into his mouth and reaches into his pocket for his
Buffy: Mom, look at me. Do you know who I am?
Giles lights his smoke.
Joyce: (smiles) Of course. You’re Buffy. (looks over at the crowd) Hey,
look. They’re, they’re giving away candy. You want some candy?
Buffy: No, I don’t! And you don’t need any more, either.
Joyce: (very annoyed) I’m fine. I can have more if I want.
Buffy: You are not fine. You need to go home.
Joyce: (angry now) Screw you. I want candy!
Joyce: You wanna slay stuff, and I’m not allowed to do anything about
it. Well, this is what I wanna do, so get off my back!
Buffy: Mom, please, this is…
Giles: (reaches for Joyce) Oh, for God’s sake. (pulls her away) Just
let your mum have the sodding candy. C’mon, Joyce…
Buffy holds her mother back and points at her black Jeep Cherokee.
Buffy: Mom, look at your car. Look at that dent the size of New
Brunswick. I did that.
Joyce can’t believe her eyes. Behind her Giles takes a drag on his
Joyce: Oh, my God. (grossed out) What was I thinking when I bought the
Giles busts up laughing. Buffy can’t believe her response. She gives up
and steps over to Giles.
Buffy: Listen to me. You need…
Giles: (interrupts) No, you listen to me. (points at her) I’m your
Watcher, so you do what I tell you. (points at the Jeep) Now, sod off!
Buffy grabs the cigarette from his mouth, throws it down and stomps it
Buffy: (sternly) Take her home.
She heads for the crowd. Giles grabs Joyce’s hand and starts after her.
Buffy pushes her way through the crowd toward the loading dock. She
steps up on a crate and dispatches one of the men tossing candy to the
crowd by punching him in the back of the knee. He crumples and falls off
of the end of the dock. Buffy log rolls onto the platform and flips up
to her feet. The other man throws away the box of candy bars he just
grabbed, and Buffy ducks, thinking that it’s being thrown at her. The
man tries to punch her, but she punches him in the side and then
backhand punches him in the face, following up with two more punches to
the gut and the face. She ducks his attempt at a punch and roundhouse
kicks him in the back, knocking him into the factory wall. She grabs
onto his shirt, spins halfway around and launches him off of the dock
and into the air towards another wall. He hits it hard and slides to the
pavement. She sees Giles and her mother at the base of the dock stuffing
chocolate bars into their pockets, and goes over to them.
She grabs her by the arms and pulls her up.
Giles: (looks up) Oy! You leave her alone!
Buffy kicks in the door to the factory as Giles hops up onto the dock.
He follows Buffy and Joyce into the building. In the crowd Snyder sees
Snyder: Hey, Brit-face! Wait up!
He scrambles to join them.
Cut inside. Buffy pulls her mother into the shipping area and lets go of
The place is piled to the ceiling with cases of Milkbars. Buffy looks
around to see what she can find. Across the room from the conveyor where
the boxes are sealed, she sees a man on a phone, listening. He’s there
alone. Giles and Snyder come into the shipping area behind her.
Snyder: It smells so chocolatey.
Buffy approaches the man on the phone.
Giles: This is far out.
The man starts talking into the phone.
Ethan: Yeah, I’ve been out there. Town’s wide open. You guys can go
Buffy immediately recognizes the voice and crosses her arms as she
closes the distance between them.
Buffy: Ethan Rayne.
He turns to face her, and his eyes go wide with surprise. Upon hearing
the name, Giles approaches him also. Joyce is close behind. Together the
three of them make an imposing sight.
Ethan: (into the phone, nervously) Might wanna hurry.
He wastes no time breaking into a fast run. Buffy and Giles give
immediate chase. Ethan runs under the inclined end of the conveyor and
pulls a rack behind him to block their way, but the two of them just
jump over the low end of it instead and continue the chase.
Cut to the library. Oz and Xander are up in the stacks researching while
Cordelia and Willow sit at the table looking through the more promising
Cordelia: At first it was fun, you know? They seemed like they were in
this really good mood–not like parents–and then…
Cordelia: Mom started borrowing my clothes. There should be an age
limit on lycra pants. And Dad, he just locked himself in the bathroom
with old copies of Esquire.
Xander comes down to the table with a couple more books.
Xander: I don’t get this. The candy’s supposed to make you feel all
immature and stuff, but I’ve had a ton, and I don’t feel any dif…
He gets looks from the girls.
Xander: Never mind.
He holds the two books out for Willow to choose.
Willow: I’ll take that one.
She takes hold of a book, but her thumb ends up on Xander’s, and they
both feel the electricity between them as they allow the touch to linger
longer than it needs to. They look at and then away from each other.
Willow finally pulls the book from Xander’s hand, and he heads back up
the stairs with the other one. Cordelia stares into her book while
Willow follows Xander with her gaze.
Cordelia: You wanna swap?
Willow: (startled) What? (confused) Swap?
Cordelia: You wanna swap? This book is really thick, (trades with
Willow) and I’m not sure it’s in English.
Willow goes back to her research, relieved that Cordelia didn’t mean
Cut to the Milkbar factory. Ethan runs through the maze of cases of
candy bars. He reaches the end of an aisle and turns left. Buffy and
Giles rush to keep up. They make several twists and turns, and finally
Buffy comes around a corner to discover that she’s lost him. Behind her
Giles stops running, too, and breathes heavily to catch his breath.
Giles: Where… Bloody Hell!
Buffy: That’s what smoking will do to you. Now be quiet.
Giles: Well… Where’d the bastard go?
Buffy: (annoyed) Shh!
She looks around and listens carefully. She goes around a corner and
Buffy pretends to go on, but then suddenly does a half-spinning hook
kick into a crate. She yanks away a chunk of wood, reaches in and pulls
Ethan’s head out.
Buffy: Look. A box full of farm-fresh chicken.
Ethan gives her a nervous smile, but it quickly fades.
Cut to Snyder and Joyce sitting on the conveyor. They are both munching
on chocolate bars.
Joyce: Do you suppose they’re okay?
Snyder: (chewing) Mm-hm. (keeps chewing) So… (chews) are you two
kinda… (smacks his lips) like, um… (looks at her knees) goin’
Joyce rolls her eyes, sighs and hops down from the conveyor to get away
from him. Snyder watches her go, sticks another piece of chocolate into
his mouth and lets out a deep sigh.
Cut to Buffy confronting Ethan.
Buffy: So, Ethan, what are we playing? We’re pretty much in a talk-or-
bleed situation. Your call.
Giles: Hit him.
Buffy glares at him for an instant, then looks back at Ethan.
Ethan: I-I’d just like to point out that this wasn’t my idea.
Giles paces behind Buffy.
Ethan: I’m subcontracting. It’s Trick you want. I’m just helping him
collect a tribute… for a demon.
Giles: He’s lying. Hit him!
Buffy: I don’t think he is, and shut up.
Giles: (excitedly) You’re my Slayer, (points at Ethan) go knock his
teeth down his thr…
Buffy: (interrupts) Giles!
He turns away from her and continues pacing.
Buffy: (to Ethan) What demon?
Ethan: I don’t remember.
Buffy punches him solidly in the nose. He stumbles back against the
broken crate. Giles jumps and swings his fist through the air.
Giles: (smiles) Yes!
Buffy gives Giles a glaring look. He loses his smile.
Ethan: Lurconis. Demon named Lurconis. They wanted a way to get the
tribute away from people.
Buffy: So you’re just Diversion Guy?
Ethan: More than a diversion. Well, they said the tribute was big, so
big that people would never let them take it. That people had to be out-
of-it. And later on, when the candy wore off, they’d blame themselves.
Buffy: (sighs) Hence, land of the irresponsible. So, where’s Trick?
Ethan: I don’t know exactly.
Giles: Hit him again.
Buffy holds up her fist and gives Ethan a threatening look.
Ethan: (wards her off with his hand) No! I-I-I really don’t know.
Delivering the tribute.
Buffy: (steps closer) Which brings us to the bonus question, and
believe me when I say a wrong answer will cost you all your points.
Behind her Giles leaps up joyously with a huge smile on his face,
anticipating a good fight.
Buffy: What’s the tribute?
Cut to the maternity ward at Sunnydale General Hospital. The phones are
ringing off the hook and all of the circuits on the switchboard at the
nurse’s station are flashing. The nurse just ignores it all and watches
her small television. Four vampires boldly enter the hall and walk right
past the nurse. She doesn’t even notice them. They turn down another
hall, very sure of where they are headed. They reach the room where the
newborns are kept and walk straight in. Each of them carefully takes a
crying baby from its crib. They walk out of the ward in single file,
gently holding the babies in their arms.
~ ~ Part 4 ~ ~
The Milkbar factory. Ethan is leaning against a table while Snyder
crouches nearby, keeping an eye on him. Buffy is on the phone with
Willow at the library.
Buffy: Right. Lurconis.
Willow: (cut to her) Lurconis. A demon. What’s his deal?
Buffy: See if it says anything about a tribute.
Willow: A tribute? Like what?
Buffy: (cut to her) I don’t know. (looks at Ethan) My source is all
Snyder: (to Ethan) She whupped you good, huh? (throws two punches) Yah!
Wah! (stands up proudly) I can do that. I took Tae Kwon Do at the Y.
He goes into a series of kicks and punches, grunting with each one as he
advances toward Joyce, trying to impress her. She just rolls her eyes,
looks away and sighs, unimpressed. Snyder realizes it didn’t work and
leans against the wall. Joyce blows a bubble with her gum.
Buffy: (into the phone) No, no. It’s definitely a demon. A big one.
Ethan spies a crowbar on the table, and being unguarded now, reaches for
it and begins to advance toward Buffy. Giles notices his advance. He
pulls back the hammer on his stolen Beretta and points it at Ethan’s
Giles: I wouldn’t.
Ethan stops cold in his tracks. Buffy turns around and swings the
telephone receiver hard into Ethan’s chin. He spins down to the floor,
dropping the crowbar. Giles aims the gun at the back of Ethan’s head,
execution style. Buffy hands the phone to her mother.
Buffy: Giles, give me the gun. (holds out her hand)
He just stares at Buffy and doesn’t give in.
Buffy: (stares back) Giles…
He keeps the gun aimed right where it is. Joyce talks into the phone.
Buffy: (sternly insistent) Now.
After another moment Giles reluctantly gives up his weapon. Buffy stuffs
it into the back of her pants. Joyce holds the phone out to Buffy.
Joyce: Uh, it’s, um, it’s Willow. She wants you real bad.
Buffy: (takes the phone) Uh-huh?
Cut to the library. Oz points into a book that he’s just brought over to
Willow: (into the phone) Okay, Oz just found it. (reads) ‘The tribute
to Lurconis is made every thirty years.’ (paraphrases) I-it’s a ritual
feeding. A-and this one’s late, so it’s probably, you know, a big meal.
Oz points to another paragraph.
Willow: Oh. (reads to herself) And… (digests the information and
recoils) Oh. Lurconis eats babies.
Cut to the factory. Buffy immediately hangs up and starts to go.
Buffy: Come on. (takes her mother’s hand)
Joyce: Well, what about that man?
Buffy turns to see Giles holding the crowbar over Ethan, who is still on
Buffy: Uh, see if you guys can find something to tie him up with.
She reaches behind her and pulls out a set of handcuffs, dangling them
from her thumb and giving her daughter a sheepish but mischievous look.
Buffy: Never tell me.
She grabs the cuffs and heads over to Ethan. Joyce follows her with her
gaze and smiles.
Cut to Sunnydale General. Cut to the maternity ward. Buffy holds an
identification wristband left behind in one of the empty cribs. The
camera pans up from her hand to Joyce. Giles is outside the room talking
with the nurse on duty.
Nurse: (in the background) I didn’t see anything. I don’t know where
Joyce: (sad and worried) Something’s gonna eat those babies?
Nurse: (in the background) What can I do?
Snyder: I think that is so wrong. (shakes his head)
Nurse: (in the background) Get off my back about it! (stalks off
shaking her head)
Giles comes into the room.
Giles: She says she never saw who took them. Dozy cow.
Buffy: I know who took them.
Giles: Well, then let’s do something. Let’s find the demon and, and…
kick the crap out of it.
Snyder: Is that what happens now?
Buffy: Yeah, if we knew where they were. (paces)
Giles suddenly remembers a passage from a book and quotes it.
Giles: ‘Lurconis dwells beneath the city, filth to filth.’
Buffy: (stops pacing) What?
Giles: Ooo! (faces her) I know this. (tries to remember more) Uh… I
knew this. ‘Lurconis’ means… (thinks) ‘glutton’. And we’ll find it,
um… (thinks, shrugs) in the sewers.
Joyce: The sewers? (goes to Giles for a hug)
Snyder: Uh, good. You go do that thing with the demon, and I’ll stay
here in case the babies, you know, uh… find their way back.
Joyce: (lets go of Giles) (sadly) The babies must be so scared.
Giles: (to Snyder) You filthy little ponce. (steps toward him and
challenges) Are you afraid of a little demon?
Snyder: If you want to splash around in the poo, (shoves Giles) you’re
the filthy one!
Giles shoves him back.
Buffy: (gets between them, very annoyed) Okay, you know what? Everybody
just stop it! (to Snyder) Okay, listen to me. (to Giles) I need help,
okay? Giles, I need grownups.
Snyder and Giles continue trying to stare each other down.
Buffy: These children are gonna die if we don’t act now, okay, and
think clearly. (gets Giles’ attention) There is no room for mistakes.
Besides which… you guys are just wigging me out.
Snyder gives in and looks away. Giles gives him one last stare, and then
steps back over to Joyce.
Joyce: We’ll behave.
The two of them hug again.
Buffy: Good. (to Snyder) Snyder, go home.
Snyder: I can do that. (leaves)
Buffy: (turns to face Giles) Giles, we’re going to the sewers.
She sees him kiss her mother, and she cringes.
Buffy: And don’t do that! (stalks out of the room)
They break off their kiss and reluctantly follow her.
Cut to the sewers. The camera pans from a round storm drain tunnel into
a large chamber lit by firelight from torches and candles. Mayor Wilkins
is standing in the back to observe the ritual. He takes out his cell
phone and dials his secretary. Trick is nearby watching the four
vampires who stole the children as they chant in Latin. They are dressed
in red robes, standing on the wide concrete rim of a small pool. One of
them steps down with a shallow bowl of water taken from the pool and
begins to anoint each of the babies with it. All but one of the babies
Trick: (to himself about Lurconis) Come on, big guy. They’re not
getting any fresher.
The camera pans across the four babies. The Mayor’s secretary finally
answers her phone.
Mayor Wilkins: Carol. Hi. Yeah. (looks around the sewer) Call Dave on
the public works committee tomorrow about sewer maintenance and repair.
I have some concerns regarding exposed gas pipes, infrastructure,
ventilation. And, uh… cancel my 3:00.
The last two babies are anointed. Suddenly Buffy drops down from above
through a manhole. The Mayor turns his head to face her.
She moves to start her attack. Behind her Giles climbs down a few rungs
of the ladder and drops down the rest of the way. The robed vampires
quickly move to attack them. Mayor Wilkins makes a hasty retreat. The
first vampire swings wildly at Buffy, but she ducks him, and his
momentum carries him past her. She roundhouse kicks the second one and
turns back to the first one and shoves him away from her. He smashes
into the ladder. Turning back to the second one, Buffy delivers another
roundhouse kick. The first one tries to kick her from behind, but she
middle blocks him and roundhouse kicks him in the side. Giles and Joyce
run over to the table with the babies and wheel it away. The Mayor makes
his escape down the tunnels. The third vampire does a jumping roundhouse
kick, which Buffy easily ducks. The second lunges at her, but she jumps
into the air between them and lands behind them. The third one throws a
punch at her, which she quickly middle blocks. The second one swings at
her, and she ducks it and punches him in the face. She punches the third
one in the face, does a half spin and hits the second one in the face
with a backhand punch. He goes staggering backward into Trick. Buffy
pulls out a stake. Giles and Joyce get the babies to a safe distance,
where Giles leaves them and goes back to the fight. Trick shoves the
second vampire off of him, who then goes stumbling toward Giles. Giles
clumsily front snap kicks him in the face, and he goes flying right back
into Trick. The first vampire tries to attack Buffy again, but she
cleanly stakes him, and he bursts into ashes. She immediately takes a
step to her side, back middle blocks the third one as he tries to grab
her from behind and stakes him. He begins to fall to his knees and
explodes into ashes. The second vampire is up again and ready to attack.
Buffy side kicks him, and he flies backward onto the rim of the pool and
back rolls into the water. Suddenly they all hear a deep rumbling. The
vampire tries to get up out of the water. They keep listening to the
rumbling as it gets louder. The vampire climbs onto a pedestal in the
middle of the pool.
Giles: What the hell’s that?
The vampire gets to his knees. Just then a huge demon snake appears
through another tunnel by the water. It sees the vampire on the
pedestal, engulfs him and retreats back into the tunnel.
Buffy: Lurconis, I’m thinking.
Trick: Ordinarily, I like other people to do my fighting for me, but I
just gotta see what you got.
Buffy: Just tell me when it hurts.
She starts to advance on him, but Giles rushes past her and pushes her
Buffy: Giles! No!
He throws a solid left to Trick’s face, but he isn’t fazed. He grabs
Giles by the shirt and throws him into the pool. Trick makes a dash for
it. Giles starts to climb out of the water at the rim of the pool. The
rumbling starts again, quicker this time. Buffy looks around frantically
for a way to stop the demon. She spies a gas pipe above her, and leaps
up to grab it. It breaks under her weight, and gas begins to hiss out of
it. Giles is out of the water now and rolls over the rim of the pool and
down to the floor. Buffy angles the gas pipe into one of the torches,
and it bursts into flames. She aims it at Lurconis, and the snake demon
rears back and screams in pain. Joyce watches in terror. Buffy waves the
pipe around until Lurconis is engulfed in flames. She pushes the gas
pipe aside as the demon retreats back into its tunnel, screaming. Above
her Trick smiles down through the open manhole.
Trick: You and me, girl. (Buffy spins to face him) There’s hard times
He gets up and makes himself scarce.
Buffy: (exhales) They never just leave. Always gotta say something.
Joyce comes out of the shadows and over to Buffy.
Joyce: Can we go home now?
Giles gets up, soaked to the skin.
Buffy: Yeah, we can go home. I’ve got the SATs tomorrow.
Joyce: Oh, blow them off. I’ll write you a note. (goes back to the
Buffy: No. It’s okay. (joins her mom)
Joyce: Poor babies. Come on…
Giles goes over to help as well.
Cut to the Mayor’s office. Trick is sitting while Mayor Wilkins paces
Mayor Wilkins: And your friend?
Trick: Paid him. The man did his job. No reason to burn that bridge.
Mayor Wilkins: This didn’t turn out the way I had planned.
Trick: Where’s the downside? You just got yourself one less demon you
have to pay tribute to. The way I see it, I did you a favor.
Mayor Wilkins: (smiles at Trick) I guess you did.
He puts his hands on Trick’s shoulders and leans in close to his ear.
Mayor Wilkins: In the future… I’d be very careful how many favors
you do for me.
He lets go of Trick and steps away. Trick eyes him coldly.
Cut to Sunnydale High the following Monday. The bell rings. Cut to the
halls. Snyder comes walking along at a quick pace. Xander sees him
Xander: Hey, Snyder. Heard you had some fun Friday night. Have you come
Behind him Cordelia smiles, but tries to hide it.
Snyder: That’s ‘Principal Snyder’.
Xander: And that’s a big ‘yep’.
Snyder eyes Xander, Cordelia, Willow and Oz just standing there in the
Snyder: You look like four young people with too much time on your
Oz: Not really.
Cordelia: Busy like a bee, actually. (smiles) Bee-like!
Snyder: Good. It seems we had some vandalism Friday on school property,
and I was just looking for some… volunteers to help clean it up.
They all look at the bank of lockers just down the hall. Willow reads
the words spray-painted in the typical lettering style of a rock band as
Snyder walks through the group and closes Xander’s locker.
Willow: ‘Kiss rocks’? Why would anyone want to kiss… (gets a look
from Snyder) Oh, wait. I get it.
Snyder: (nods and continues on) Let’s get you some paint remover.
The four of them reluctantly follow him.
Cut to the front of the school. Giles and Buffy walk toward the street.
Buffy: It was just too much to deal with. It was like nothing made
sense anymore. The things that I thought I understood were gone. I just
felt… so alone.
Giles: Was that the math or the verbal?
Buffy: Mostly the math.
Giles: Well, if you scored low, then you can take them again.
Buffy: More SATs? (sighs) Is there really a point? I could die before I
even apply to college.
The brakes of Joyce’s Jeep squeal as she pulls to a stop at the curb.
Giles and Buffy take the steps down to the sidewalk.
Giles: And then, you very possibly might not.
Buffy: Well, let’s just keep hope alive.
Joyce gets out, closes her door and walks up onto the curb.
Giles: Hello. (smiles awkwardly)
Joyce: (shyly) Hi.
Giles: (sees the dent) I say, your car seems to have had an adventure,
They all look at the severely dented rear door and back panel.
Joyce: Uh, Buffy assures me that it happened battling evil, so I’m
letting her pay for it on the installment plan.
Buffy: Uh, hey, the way things were going, (points at the dent) be glad
that’s the worst that happened. At least I got to the two of you before
you actually did something.
She walks around to the passenger’s side to get in. Giles and Joyce both
look at the pavement, embarrassed and not willing even to go there, but
knowing that they did.
They both quickly pivot and head off in opposite directions.