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Episode Summary
A nightly patrol begins as Buffy thwarts a mugging. From the darkness, Spike comes to the rescue. Unfortunately, the muggers are human and the chip impairs the neutered one. After the pain is relieved, Buffy and Spike rant briefly about their kisses. Once again, Buffy blows him off.
At the Slayer’s home, Willow finds herself lonely without Tara. In an attempt for social contact, she transforms Amy “the Rat” Madison back to her human form.
At the Sunnydale Museum of Natural History, antics ensue as Warren, Jonathan and Andrew steal a diamond and freeze the security guard with their freeze ray. Amy and Willow catch up and Amy finds out that she has been a rat for almost three years.
Buffy returns home confused to find a rat-less Amy. Buffy intended to tell Willow about her two kisses with the Spikester, but the shock of seeing Amy makes her reconsider. After seeing the frozen museum security guard on the news, Buffy rushes to investigate.
To her chagrin, Spike is already there. After a heated exchange, Buffy slugs Spike and he hits her back. Strangely, the chip doesn’t seem to affect him. He does, however, pretend to be in pain. Thinking that the chip has malfunctioned, Spike takes to the streets looking for Lunchables.
After deciding on a victim, he dives in for a bite and the chip takes action. Meanwhile, at the Magic Box, Buffy, Anya, Willow and Xander research the stolen diamond. After Willow browses through her computer using magic, Anya bravely scolds her for her behavior.
Looking for answers, Spike infiltrates the lair of the dork crew. Although they are reluctant to help, Spike convinces them by threatening their Boba Fett action figure. Back at the Slayer’s abode, Willow and Amy decide to go do something fun on the town.
After assessing Spike’s chip, Warren tells him that it is not malfunctioning. Spike concludes that there is nothing wrong with him, but that there is something wrong with Buffy. Across town at the Bronze, Willow continues to bring Amy up to date, when two young studs ask them to dance.
The former rat jumps at the chance. A little later, when the two college guys forcibly try to get Amy back on the dance floor, Willow and Amy transport the two studs into go-go cages and skimpy outfits.
Down in Spike’s crypt, the bleached bloodsucker prepares to stick it to the Slayer by pulling out several goodies, including a stun gun, a rope, chains, padlocks and handcuffs. Then, he puts on a Roxy Music record, lights some candles, sets up flowers and then puts rose petals on the bed.
When he is content with his preparation, he bolts from the crypt in search of Buffy. At the Magic Box, Xander, Anya and Buffy continue their detective work. Unable to find their baddie, their focus changes to Willow.
Their concern is evident as Anya warns that once someone good gets a taste of bad that it’s difficult to bring them back. Suddenly, Spike calls, inviting Buffy to the cemetery. At first she declines, but after Xander and Anya head home for the night, the trench-coated vamp appears from the shadows.
He stands in front of Buffy, not letting her pass. She smacks him. To her horror, Spike hits her back. Unaffected by the chip, Spike explains saying, “Don’t you see? You came back wrong.” Immediately, a scrap breaks out. At the Bronze, Willow and Amy continue generating havoc.
As Willow turns a boy band into a girl band, people are dancing aimlessly in elaborate outfits and mutate. The brawl continues between Spike and Buffy at a condemned house, the Slayer and the Vampire are knocking the structure, as well as each other, all over the place.
Suddenly, Buffy pins Spike against a wall and begins kissing him. As they engage in their most passionate make out session to date, the house crumbles all around them and they fall through the floor.
Shooting Scripts
Teaser
EXT. SUNNYDALE ALLEY – NIGHT
A fiftysomething MARRIED COUPLE standing next to each other against a brick wall as two SHADOWY
FIGURES stand before them.
MAN
I’m sure we can work something out.
WOMAN
A deal of some sort. Anything you
want.
BUFFY (O.S.)
I always wanted a pony.
Everyone turns to see BUFFY standing calmly behind them.
BUFFY
(mock embarrassment)
Oh. You weren’t really speaking to
me, were you? My bad. Well, as long
as I’m here…
She runs at the shadowy figures, kicking one of them in the knees, knocking him into the light.
He’s human.
BUFFY (cont’d)
Wow.
Staggering back, he drops the woman’s purse.
BUFFY (cont’d)
A mugging. Haven’t gotten one of
those for a while. Usually it’s
blood, and with the horror…
She reaches down for the purse.
BUFFY (cont’d)
Just a good old-fashioned mugging.
Kind of sweet, actually.
(to the couple)
Well probably not for you.
(gives them purse)
Here. Go. Now.
They take the purse and hurry off. The downed mugger jumps up, charges Buffy.
Buffy sidesteps, catches his arm, twists it behind his back. He winces. The other mugger crouches,
unsure what to do.
BUFFY (cont’d)
Not too sweet for you, either, I
guess. But come on, rush me.
It’ll be funny.
With a ferocious growl, SPIKE lunges out of the shadows behind Buffy toward the remaining mugger,
tackling him.
BUFFY
(cont’d)
No!
Spike rolls off in pain, careening into a stack of crates, which falls on Buffy and her mugger. Buffy
releases him, both muggers race off into the night.
SPIKE
Ow!
Buffy dusts herself off.
BUFFY
What the hell is wrong with you?
SPIKE
(holding his forehead)
Ow. Thought they were demons
BUFFY
Yeah, way to go with the keen
observiness, Jessica Fletcher.
SPIKE
Remind me not to help you.
BUFFY
More often?
SPIKE
A little sympathy for the man with
the migraine, can we…
BUFFY
That’s what you get for attacking a human.
SPIKE
Yeah. You’d think if the
government’s gonna put a chip in my
head, they’d at least make it so I
could attack criminals and that sort.
BUFFY
Yes, ’cause muggers deserve to be
eaten. You’re just gonna have to get
your rocks off fighting demons, Spike.
SPIKE
There’s other ways…
BUFFY
(going)
And to that an extreme see-ya-later
SPIKE
Buffy.
She stops, turns to face him, enough with the fun
BUFFY
Spike. It’s late. Can we finish
this another time?
He moves in close, trying to be seductive.
SPIKE
Wanna jump right to the kissing then,
eh?
BUFFY
I’m not kissing you. Once was–
SPIKE
Twice.
Buffy stares him down
BUFFY
(quietly)
But not again.
She walks away. Spike calls after her
SPIKE
You’re a tease, Slayer. Know that?
Get a fella’s motor revvin’, let the
tension marinate a couple of days,
then -bam! Crown yourself the Ice
Queen.
BUFFY
(still walking)
You need any more metaphors for that
li’l mix?
SPIKE
Only a matter of time before you
realize. I’m the only one here for
you, pet! You got no one else!
INT. BUFFY’S HOUSE -WILLOW’S ROOM – NIGHT
WILLOW. Alone. She leans out into the hallway. Quiet. She walks back into the room. She looks at
the bed. Empty.
INT. BUFFY’S HOUSE -DAWN’S ROOM -CONTINUOUS
Willow silently pushes Dawn’s bedroom door open. DAWN’S in bed, asleep. Willow gently shuts the
door, heads back in.
INT. BUFFY’S HOUSE -WILLOW’S ROOM -CONTINUOUS
Willow goes to the window, looks out into the night. Silent. Across the room: scratching. Willow
approaches AMY THE RAT.
WILLOW
Aw, whatsa matter, Amy? You lonely?
We gotta get you a nice companion rat
that you can love and play with and
grow attached to ’til it leaves you
for no good reason. Won’t that be
fun?
The rat scratches a bit on its cage.
WILLOW
(cont’d)
Relax – I’m joking.
Willow looks around the room, but keeps talking to the rat.
WILLOW (cont’d)
Amy, I swear, if I could find a way
to bring you back…
Willow turns back to look at the rat.
WILLOW (cont’d)
Any way.
She closes her eyes, whispers in Italian:
WILLOW
(Italian)
Rivlil!
WILLOW
(English)
Reveal!
A faded, tattered parchment appears on the desk. Willow opens her eyes, smiles, picks it up. She
reads in Italian:
WILLOW
(Italian)
Cio che fu non e piu. Cio
che fu fatto, disfa.
Passato e il pericolo,
finita e la prova. Metti
le cose a posto.
WILLOW
(English)
What was is no longer.
What was done, undo. The
danger passed, the trial no
more, set it right.
And AMY –the real, live, human, not-ratted, young woman — appears, naked and dazed. Willow,
proud of herself, grins.
Amy screams.
BLACK OUT.
END OF TEASER
Act One
INT. SUNNYDALE MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY – NIGHT
ANDREW, dressed in black t-shirt, black pants, and soft, soundless black shoes, descends upside-
down from the ceiling, suspended by taut, Mission: Impossible-type cables.
In fact, he’s got the whole Tom Cruise look down pretty well: wire-rimmed glasses, earpiece with
microphone, even a penlight tucked behind his ear.
He comes to a stop, hanging suspended before a GLASS CASE which displays a glittering, golfball-
sized-DIAMOND.
Andrew pulls a small GIZMO from his bag (all wires and digital displays and metal parts) and
prepares to delicately attach it to the glass.
When WARREN and JONATHAN just walk into frame behind him
WARREN
Dude, what are you doing?
JONATHAN
We’re not breaking into Langley
here -it’s Sunnydale.
ANDREW
(still dangling)
Well, you never know what new stuff
they have, better to be safe than —
WARREN
Okay, the security system here is a
guy named Rusty.
Warren gives a still-suspended Andrew a good spin, sending him somersaulting in mid-air.
WARREN
(cont’d)
Now get up.
Andrew untangles himself from the cables and collects himself. As he stands, he gets woozy and
wobbles a little.
ANDREW
Whoa, head rush.
(beat)
Cool.
WARREN
Guys, come on.
Warren goes to the display case with Andrew’s equipment, pulls it off and tosses it to Andrew, who
catches it hard.
WARREN (cont’d)
Quit jerkin’ around.
He crouches in front of the case, and we see a large tank on his back. He pulls from his pocket a slim
blowtorch, connected to the tank. He aims it at the glass and fires.
ANDREW
See? That’s cool. How come he gets
to play with all the cool stuff?
JONATHAN
‘Cause I’m allergic to methane, and
you’re still afraid of hot things.
ANDREW
(ashamed)
I know
JONATHAN
Besides. The tank kept making both
of us tip over, remember?
Warren shuts off the blowtorch.
WARREN
Got it!
He reaches into the case and pulls out the diamond.
JONATHAN
It’s beautiful.
WARREN
Boys, congratulations. Phase One of
The Plan is now complete. Let’s get
the hell outta here.
RUSTY (O.S.)
What are you boys doin’?
We see RUSTY, late 50s, security guard uniform, not exactly in prime condition, standing in the
doorway.
WARREN
Oh, we were with a tour group, the
get the freeze ray group. Must have
gotten separated.
RUSTY
Museum closed five hours ago.
WARREN
Really? Huh. Guess we just lost track
of time and we should just get
the freeze ray out of here now.
Warren turns to Jonathan and silently widens his eyes, making Are-You-Gonna-Do-Something-Or-
What face.
Jonathan motions back — one second — as he and Andrew silently fumble with something out of
frame. Warren turns back to Rusty.
WARREN (cont’d)
‘Cause we love the learnin’ …
(reading name tag)
“Rusty. ” Museums, libraries…
Disney Hall of Presidents. Not
boring. But, more to the point:
Goodbye.
Warren steps aside and Jonathan pulls up into frame a LARGE, INTIMIDATING FREEZE RAY GUN. He
pulls the trigger, it fires at Rusty, who instantly freezes (in an icy, frosty way).
WARREN (cont’d)
Dude, that is so cool!
ANDREW
The freeze ray totally worked!
JONATHAN
Yeah, not exactly.
We see that the gun –and Jonathan’s entire forearm –have also been frozen.
WARREN
Okay, so there’s a kink of two. It’s
just a prototype, soon we’ll have —
JONATHAN
Hey, that’s really neat-o and stuff,
but, in the meantime, you know. Ow!
WARREN
Jeez, be a bigger wuss.
JONATHAN
Can we just go back to the lair, I
can’t really feel my fingers.
WARREN
Yeah, yeah, come on.
As they go…
ANDREW
Is he gonna, like –?
WARREN
He’ll be fine. He’ll defrost in a
couple days, no harm no foul.
ANDREW
Won’t he tell on us?
WARREN
And say what? Two guys and a mime
took me out with their freeze ray?
(nods, sarcastic:)
Likely. C’mon.
They leave
INT. BUFFY’S HOUSE – WILLOW’S ROOM – NIGHT
Amy sits on the bed, dressed, her movements quick, twitchy. Willow enters carrying a mug. Amy
jumps a little.
WILLOW
Hey, here’s some hot chocolate, you
want —
Amy shakes her head.
AMY
Mmmm-mmm. No, thanks. Still kinda
queasy.
Willow sets the mug down on the night stand.
WILLOW
Okay, maybe later. How’re you —
Outside, a siren goes by. Amy’s eyes dart to the open window. She makes a quick hand movement,
and it slams shut.
WILLOW (cont’d)
Hey, it’s just —
Amy makes another hand movement, the drapes shut
WILLOW (cont’d)
— a siren. It’s all right.
She sits at the edge of the bed.
WILLOW (cont’d)
Okay? You okay?
Amy looks away from the window.
AMY
Mmmm-hmmmm. Yeah. Just, you know.
Everything feels weird.
She looks at Willow.
AMY (cont’d)
I mean, it’s like, I felt like I was in
that cage for weeks.
Uh-oh. Willow just purses her lips, not sure what to say.
AMY (cont’d)
But it can still be okay. Right? I
can get in the swing of things. Like
…prom’s coming up. I am so hoping
Larry will ask me. We could make such
a splash if – oh. Oh God. He hasn’t
asked anyone else, has he?
Amy searches Willow’s eyes for some good news. Willow, mighty uncomfortable, braces herself:
WILLOW
(gentle)
Amy. Three things we have to talk
about. One, Larry’s gay. Two,
Larry’s dead. Three, high
school’s… kind of over.
Amy pulls back a little, staring at Willow.
AMY
How long was I in the cage?
WILLOW
Listen, why don’t you have some —
AMY
How. Long.
INT. BUFFY’S HOUSE – FOYER – LATER
Buffy shuts the door behind her, leans against it. Keeping out the night. She looks up the stairs.
Makes up her mind.
BUFFY
(Whispering)
Willow?
She moves to the stairs.
INT. BUFFY’S HOUSE – WILLOW’S ROOM – NIGHT
Buffy pokes her head in. Willow turns to face her
BUFFY
Hey. How you doing?
WILLOW
Oh. Um …okay.
Buffy comes in.
BUFFY
Yeah?
WILLOW
Yeah. Not parades and cotton candy,
but okay.
Buffy nods. Thinks. Then says:
BUFFY
Will. Can I talk to you about
something?
WILLOW
Of course
BUFFY
Right. Okay, you know how we all
make choices, and sometimes, they’re
the really good kind, and sometimes
they’re …less good?
WILLOW
Uh-huh.
BUFFY
Well, lately I…
The door opens and Amy walks in again, looking queasy.
BUFFY (cont’d)
Oh! Tara, I didn’t —
(beat)
Oh. Amy.
AMY
The whole school?
Willow nods.
AMY (cont’d)
By a giant snake-thing.
(nodding)
Still adjusting. Hey, Buffy.
Buffy stares, looks to Willow, then back to Amy
BUFFY
Hi.
Buffy manages a confused smile. Not sure what to say, so:
BUFFY (cont’d)
How’ve you been?
AMY
(shrugging)
Rat. You?
BUFFY
(shrugging)
Dead.
AMY
(nodding)
Oh.
A beat as they take in the reunion. Then:
BUFFY
Well, I should let you guys catch up,
I’ll just —
AMY
No, it’s okay, stay.
(suddenly struck)
Do you have any cookies?
BUFFY
What kind?
AMY
Any kind. Not cheese.
BUFFY
Yeah, kitchen. You want me to–
AMY
No, no. I’ll grab ’em.
BUFFY
Okay, well, at least let me make up
the couch. It’s late, you should
stay here. Everyone does.
AMY
Thank you.
She walks to the door and leaves without another word.
BUFFY
Wow.
WILLOW
I know.
BUFFY
Is she gonna be —
WILLOW
Dunno. She’s kinda freaked out, but
I would be, too.
BUFFY
Wow.
WILLOW
I know. I just …realized I could.
I thought of the right thing and …
She shrugs.
WILLOW (cont’d)
It’s nice, having another magically-
inclined friend around.
Buffy says nothing to that, but notices
WILLOW (cont’d)
So what were you going to tell me?
You were sounding all serious.
BUFFY
Huh? Oh -nothing. I mean, the whole
Amy-Rat-Amy thing? No way I’m
topping that.
She heads out.
Buffy comes down the stairs to find Amy curled up on the couch, watching TV with a plate of cookies.
BUFFY
How you doin’, you need anything?
AMY
No. Thanks. Good cookies.
There’s a pause as Amy considers what to say next.
AMY (cont’d)
I’m sorry about your mom.
BUFFY
Thanks.
AMY
Crazy all the things that’ve happened
since I went away.
BUFFY
No kidding.
AMY
Snyder got eaten by a snake, the high
school got destroyed…
BUFFY
Oh! Gatorade has a new flavor. Blue.
AMY
See, head spinning.
Amy nods toward the TV news, then shakes her head.
AMY (cont’d)
People getting frozen, Willow’s
dating girls, and did you know about
Tom and Nicole?
But Buffy’s stuck on that first one
BUFFY
Wait…people getting…
Buffy picks up the remote, flips to another news station.
REPORTER
(On screen)
–in critical yet stable condition,
as local authorities continue their
investigation into the robbery that
left one man frozen solid. Live from
the Museum, Jason Manning, KCTV.
AMY
Weird.
Buffy stares at the screen, realizing her night just got busy
EXT. SUNNYDALE MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY -NIGHT
A crowd. Yellow police tape. And Buffy, trying to see over the tops of the very, very tall people in
front of her.
BUFFY
If I could just — I need to —
She tries jumping repeatedly. She finds an opening, pushes her way through just as police officers
wheel Frozen Rusty down the many steps of the museum entrance on a dolly.
Buffy quickly scans the area, looking for a way in. Yellow tape is everywhere, but she spies a side
door. She moves away from the crowd, heading to the side when:
She runs smack into Spike
BUFFY (cont’d)
Great…
SPIKE
Well, well, well, look who decided to
show up.
BUFFY
What are you doing here?
SPIKE
(hiding that he wants
to be around her)
You know, a man was frozen alive in there.
Little compassion, love.
BUFFY
And I’m supposed to believe you just
happen to be on the case?
SPIKE
Buffy. I’m on everyone’s case.
Buffy walks away, toward the side entrance. Spike follows.
SPIKE (cont’d)
You know, as long as we’re both here,
you might as well tag along. I mean,
as a team, we could —
Buffy snorts.
BUFFY
Yeah, that never really seems to end
well, does it?
SPIKE
It did the other night.
BUFFY
You seem awfully fixated on a couple of kisses, Spike.
SPIKE
And you seem awfully quick to forget about ’em.
BUFFY
It didn’t mean anything!
She stops for a moment, then tries a gentler approach.
BUFFY (cont’d)
Listen, I’m sorry if you thought…
there was more.
SPIKE
But —
BUFFY
When I kissed you? You know I was
thinking about Giles, right?
Spike looks genuinely stunned at that. Then:
SPIKE
You know, I always wondered about you
two.
BUFFY
(flustered)
Wha …? Oh. Eew. Spike. Gaah!
(then:)
He left, I was depressed, ergo
vulnerability and bad kissing
decisions. You need to let it go,
because that’s all it was, okay?
A beat as Spike sizes her up, then:
SPIKE
Did it work?
BUFFY
What?
SPIKE
You convince yourself?
BUFFY
Please. Stop.
She turns to walk away, and he follows
SPIKE
A man can change.
BUFFY
You’re not a man.
(beat)
You’re a thing.
He grabs her by the shoulder.
SPIKE
Stop walking away —
BUFFY
Don’t touch me!
She wheels around and slugs him. Instinctively, he hits her back. She falls, he braces himself for the
inevitable chip- induced pain.
But it doesn’t come.
He turns from her, hiding his face, on which we can see how perplexed he is. He doubles over,
pretending to be in pain.
SPIKE
(faking it)
Owww. Owwww.
Buffy gets up, walks to Spike and punches him hard across the face. He goes sprawling. She stands
over him.
BUFFY
You’re just a thing. An evil,
disgusting thing. All right?
She walks away, leaving Spike alone, confused, shocked… And then a grin crosses his face…
BLACK OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
Act Two
EXT. SUNNYDALE STREET – NIGHT
Spike wanders down the street, giddy, almost weaving with excitement. He’s been freed, a vampire
on the prowl.
As various Sunnydale citizens rush past him, or window shop, or wait on line at the movie theater,
Spike cackles.
SPIKE
Look at all the goodies.
Across the street, an INNOCENT GIRL cuts into an alleyway. He smiles, crosses the street…
EXT. SUNNYDALE ALLEY – NIGHT
The girl walks through the shadows, alone, seeming to sense foreboding. Hi, I’m Schmucky, I’ll be
your bait this evening.
Spike steps out of the shadows in front of her. She screams.
SPIKE
That’s right, you should scream.
She tries to run, he runs around, blocks her path. She has nowhere to run. He points to his own
chest.
SPIKE (cont’d)
Creature of the night right here,
yeah? Some people forget that.
INNOCENT GIRL
Please…
SPIKE
She thinks I’m housebroken. She
forgot who she was dealing with.
INNOCENT GIRL
Anything you want, please, just —
SPIKE
Just ’cause she’s confused about
where she fits in, I’m supposed to
be, too? ‘Cause I’m not.
He paces.
SPIKE (cont’d)
I know what I am. I’m dangerous.
I’m evil.
He has the girl backed up against the wall now
INNOCENT GIRL
I — I’m sure you’re not evil.
Spike stops, looks at her.
SPIKE
Yes, I am. I’m a killer. That’s
what I do. I kill.
The girl starts to cry. Spike keeps talking.
SPIKE (cont’d)
And, yeah, maybe it’s been a little
while, but it’s not like you forget
how.
He kind of shakes his head, bringing himself back.
SPIKE (cont’d)
You just… do it. And now I can.
Again. All right? So here we go.
He vamps and looks at the girl.
SPIKE (cont’d)
This might hurt a little.
He reaches in to bite her, but then — BAM! — he recoils in pain, falling to the ground.
SPIKE (cont’d)
Aaauuugggghhh!!!
The girl takes off. Spike looks as confused as hurt.
SPIKE (cont’d)
What the hell’s goin’ on?
EXT. CAFE – DAY (DAY 2)
TARA and Dawn each sit behind a giant milk shake.
TARA
Good God, that’s a lot of shake.
Dawn slurps on her straw with abandon.
TARA (cont’d)
I mean, I know, big part of our day
of Movie and milk shake Fun Day,
but…
(staring warily)
Good God, that’s a lot of shake.
Dawn takes a break from slurping.
DAWN
Helps to wash down the Raisinets.
She slurps some more.
TARA
Promise me you’ll eat something green
tonight. Leafy green, not gummi
green.
Dawn nods as she slurps.
TARA (cont’d)
Movie was fun.
DAWN
Yeah, it was ironic when all those
cute inner city kids taught their
coach a valuable lesson.
TARA
You know I’ll always be there for you, right?
Dawn stops mid-slurp.
TARA (cont’d)
There was actually more of a lead-in
when I practiced that at home.
DAWN
(quietly)
I know.
TARA
I just, I wanted you to know. My
moving out had nothing to do with
you, and I will never stop —
DAWN
I know.
They sit in silence for a beat, contemplating. Then:
DAWN (cont’d)
Do you think you’ll ever get back
together?
TARA
I wish I knew.
DAWN
But you still love her.
TARA
Very much. It’s just, you know.
Sometimes other things get in the way.
DAWN
But, you know she misses you.
Tara works now to hold it together in front of Dawn
TARA
You know what’s important is that you
don’t ever have to worry. Our stuff
is our stuff, but it never touches
you. We both love you, and we both
will always love you.
DAWN
I know.
(casually)
She’s doing a lot better lately,
though. She’s been really good about
being careful. About stuff.
As Dawn goes back to slurping, Tara sizes her up, trying to gauge how much she knows.
TARA
Well, good. Great. That’s great.
INT. MAGIC BOX – DAY
Willow, XANDER and Buffy look through newspapers. ANYA looks through the bookcases. [Note:
Buffy has on the skirt she’ll wear for the rest of the episode. See Episode Ten.]
WILLOW
Here. Says the guard’s definitely
gonna live.
XANDER
(off paper he’s
reading)
He’s all thawed out now.
They used hair-dryers. Huh.
Willow keeps reading.
WILLOW
Everything slowed down, nervous
system, circulatory system. He’s
still unconscious.
Anya, still searching the bookcase, makes a frustrated noise. Buffy looks over at her.
BUFFY
Anya?
ANYA
It’s such a pain. The text I wanted?
Giles took it with him. He has this
thing that “owning” a book made it,
like, his “property.”
BUFFY
So what do we do? Call him? It’s
the middle of last night there. Or
maybe tomorrow. Does anyone remember
how that works?
WILLOW
It’s okay. No one freak. We’ll just
do this another way.
The others share a look.
BUFFY
Magic? I don’t think we need to resort to —
Willow pulls out a laptop from her bag, sets it on the table.
BUFFY (cont’d)
Oh. Hey. Cool.
XANDER
All right, back to basics. A little
old-fashioned state-of-the-art
hacker action.
BUFFY
That’s great, Will. Haven’t seen you
do that in a long time…
Willow places her hands on the keyboard, where they SINK INTO THE SURFACE. The keyboard glows
faintly as she absorbs information directly from it.
BUFFY (cont’d)
(weakly)
Don’t remember that part.
WILLOW
It’s quicker. It’ll just take a sec
to go through the files.
She goes quiet for a minute, reading what’s in her brain. Anya approaches, joins the others in staring
at Willow.
WILLOW (cont’d)
Okay. Internal police reports. A
diamond was stolen last night from
the museum.
Her eyes dart back and forth as she reads. Internally.
WILLOW (cont’d)
A big diamond. On loan from the
British Museum. They’re withholding
the info to smoke out the bad guys.
Ooh, pretty.
(explaining)
There’s a picture.
BUFFY
Is it a supernatural diamond? Like, all
good-lucky? Or healing powers?
ANYA
Maybe it’s cursed. Diamonds are
excellent for cursing.
WILLOW
Well, let’s do some more checking,
shall we?
XANDER
(for Willow’s benefit)
Sure, but, you know, I am really
beat. And I bet that’s tiring,
the… thing you’re doing there.
Willow breaks her concentration, looks at Buffy and Xander.
WILLOW
Guys, I’m fine, really. What’s the
deal with —
ANYA
Oh, for crying out loud. This is
bizarre. You’re all la la with the
magic and the not-talking, like
everything’s normal, when we all know
that Tara up and left you and now
everyone’s scared to say anything to
you.
(realizing)
Except me.
(to Xander)
Is this that thing I do that you
comment on sometimes?
WILLOW
Guys, it’s okay. It’s hard, but —
but it’s better this way, believe me.
Little things started taking over,
things that don’t matter, but we saw
them differently, and so they got
blown out of proportion.
No one seems convinced
WILLOW (cont’d)
The time apart is gonna help us sort
through that. Really. Now let’s keep
working on this. I don’t want to
leave Amy alone in the house so
long.
The others accept the change of topic, letting Willow off the hook.
XANDER
Amy. Is she… how is she adjusting?
WILLOW
I’m not sure. It’s a lot to take in.
I keep expecting her to do, like,
ratty stuff, licking her hands clean
or shredding newspaper or making
little pellets in the corner.
BUFFY
Let’s definitely not leave her alone
in the house too long.
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR – NIGHT
The lair. Some robot-parts and various techy looking scanners and scopes are arranged prominently.
Warren, Jonathan and Andrew are gathered ’round the diamond:
JONATHAN
I didn’t know it’d be so sparkly.
ANDREW
And so big.
WARREN
Yes, gentlemen, it turns out size is
everything.
(to Jonathan)
No offense, man.
ANDREW
It makes colors with the light!
Warren and Jonathan look at him. Then:
WARREN
All right, guys, we finished the
first part. It’s time for Phase Two.
He heads for the door. Jonathan and Andrew follow
WARREN (cont’d)
Is the van fired up?
JONATHAN
Check, we’re all —
The door SLAMS open, and Spike enters, striding right up to Warren. Without touching him, Spike
corners Warren against the wall, hands threateningly on either side of his head.
JONATHAN (cont’d)
Hey!
ANDREW
Hello, it’s called knocking.
Spike knocks gently but threateningly on Warren’s head.
SPIKE
Knock, knock Robot-Boy. Need you to
look at my chip.
JONATHAN
Is that, like, British slang or
something, ’cause we’re not —
Spike seems to notice Jonathan and Andrew for the first time.
SPIKE
In my head. The chip in my head.
He releases Warren, who tries to regain his composure.
WARREN
You know, we’re kind of in the middle
of something.
SPIKE
You can play holodeck another time.
Right now, I’m in charge.
WARREN
And what are you gonna do if we don’t
especially feel like playing your
little– What are you doing?
Spike grabs a Boba Fett action figure from a nearby shelf.
SPIKE
Examine my chip or else Mr. —
He looks over at the stand on which the figure stood.
SPIKE (cont’d)
— Fett here is the first to die.
He grabs the figure’s head as if about to tear it off.
JONATHAN
Hey, all right, let’s not, let’s not
do anything crazy…
ANDREW
(hysterical)
That’s a limited edition 1979 mint
condition Boba Fett!
Warren steps forward, all hostage-negotiator
WARREN
All right, dude, chill. You can
still make it right. You know you
don’t wanna do this.
SPIKE
What I want is answers, nimrod.
WARREN
Right, but, you don’t wanna hurt the
Fett. Cuz, man, you’re not coming
back from that. You don’t do that
and walk away.
SPIKE
That right? Let’s find out.
Warren and Spike lock eyes. A beat.
WARREN
A second.
Warren pulls Jonathan and Andrew aside.
ANDREW
Dudes! I think that’s Spike!
JONATHAN
Of course it is. And he’s evil.
Completely capable of removing that
head.
WARREN
I’m gonna help him out.
JONATHAN
Are you sure we can trust him? I
mean, we all have heads too.
WARREN
(calm)
We help him and he owes us one. See,
we get Spike on our side, we get info
on Buffy. Maybe we even find out how
to keep her away from phase two.
ANDREW
But Jonathan’s right, can we trust
him?
WARREN
Course not, alliances aren’t about
trust. He needs us, we need him, it’s
how these things work.
He looks from Jonathan to Andrew and back again.
WARREN (cont’d)
And I think we’re ready. Agreed?
A beat as Jonathan thinks.
JONATHAN
Agreed.
They both turn to Andrew. Andrew looks over at Spike.
SPIKE
Casually flips the Fett in the air, catches it
BACK TO ANDREW
ANDREW
Do what you need to do.
Warren walks over to Spike
WARREN
I think we can work something out.
I’ll look at your chip. It’ll be a
deal. We scratch your back, you
scratch —
He stops and finds Spike close up and in his face, sneering.
SPIKE
I’m not scratching your anything.
You do what I say. That’s the deal.
Deal?
WARREN
Deal.
SPIKE
Then let’s go.
Spike leaves the room with Warren, tossing the figure to Andrew. Hard. Andrew examines it
frantically.
ANDREW
(to Jonathan)
It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s gonna be
fine.
INT. BUFFY’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Willow enters, trying not to disturb Amy… who’s not there.
WILLOW
Amy…?
Amy emerges from the kitchen, clearly restless.
AMY
God, you’re back, I thought you said
you wouldn’t be gone that long.
WILLOW
I wasn’t, I mean, I thought I was —
AMY
Let’s go somewhere.
WILLOW
Don’t you wanna go see your dad or —
AMY
No. Can’t. Not yet. Too many
questions.
WILLOW
About where you were.
AMY
No, about how I got there. Wish I
could just make him forget about the
last three years.
WILLOW
Well, hey, I can help you with that.
Only, you might wanna, like, sew your
name in your clothes first or
something.
AMY
I just don’t wanna deal with him
right now, I’d be so… bored.
WILLOW
Well…
AMY
Come on, let’s get outta here.
WILLOW
Well… whaddya wanna do?
AMY
I don’t know. Something fun.
Anything not involving a big wheel.
Willow thinks for a moment.
AMY (cont’d)
Or maybe, I don’t know, you’d rather
sit at home all night. Alone. Like
in high school.
Willow turns to Amy.
WILLOW
No. No, you know what? I can have
fun. Heck, I deserve some fun.
AMY
Yeah you do.
WILLOW
I can party. Not like I owe anyone
anything, I’m totally free. So,
let’s go make with the fun.
Amy grins, happy to get out of the house, and they leave.
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR – OTHER ROOM – NIGHT
On Spike, laying on a makeshift examining table, as Warren slowly runs a piece of serious-looking
equipment over him.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR – NIGHT
Spike, Andrew, Jonathan. On bean bag chairs. Silent. Awkward. Staring. Andrew and Jonathan try to
look casual, but Boba Fett sits close by. Andrew tries breaking the ice:
ANDREW
You’re English, right?
Spike squints.
SPIKE
Yeah.
Silence for another beat, then:
ANDREW
I’ve seen every episode of Doctor Who.
Spike just stares at Andrew blankly.
ANDREW (cont’d)
Not Red Dwarf though, ’cause, um —
JONATHAN
‘Cause it’s not out yet on DVD.
ANDREW
Right, it’s not out yet on DVD.
Spike continues to stare. Blank. Unmoved. Then:
SPIKE
(yelling)
Warren!
Warren enters with a sheath of papers, freshly ink-jetted.
WARREN
Here, here I am, got ’em.
SPIKE
Bloody hell, get on with it, then.
Warren shoves the papers in front of Spike, who looks at them for a moment then slowly pushes
them away.
SPIKE (cont’d)
Help me out here, Spock, I don’t
speak Loser.
WARREN
Okay, right, right. Your chip works
fine.
Spike just stares. That was not the answer he expected.
SPIKE
Well, there’s gotta be something —
WARREN
No. No, listen, I don’t know what
that thing does, I mean, I’d like
to —
Spike snarls at him, and Warren takes a defensive step back.
WARREN (cont’d)
But, whatever it is, it’s fine. No
deterioration of the signal, still
coming through in a steady pulse.
Spike stares.
WARREN (cont’d)
Which it’s supposed to.
SPIKE
If you’re lying to me —
WARREN
No! No, it’s right here.
He shoves the papers back at Spike
WARREN (cont’d)
I mean, it is. It’s not that hard to
figure out, see, if you just —
Spike turns away, realization crossing his face.
WARREN (cont’d)
What?
Spike turns back to him, getting back in his face.
SPIKE
You tell anyone about this —
WARREN
I won’t. I promise. Who would I
tell, I don’t even know what this is
all about.
SPIKE
It’s about the rules having changed.
Everything is different now.
Spike moves to the stairs. As he climbs the stairs, he starts to smile:
SPIKE (cont’d)
(to himself)
Nothing wrong with me.
(with relish)
Something wrong with her.
OMITTED
END OF ACT TWO
Act Three
INT. BUFFY’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Dawn rushes in, closely followed by a wary Tara.
DAWN
Hello! We’re home!
TARA
Looks like no one’s here.
Dawn heads into the living room and parks herself on the couch.
DAWN
Well, they’ll be back soon. I know
Willow and Buffy were meeting up with
Xander to do some research.
TARA
Okay, well, then I should probably
get back.
DAWN
Or you could stay and wait for them,
then you could have a chance to catch
up with… everyone.
TARA
Yeah, I don’t think that’s a great
idea.
Dawn clicks on the TV, feigning nonchalance.
DAWN
Okay, your call. I’ve got the TV to
keep me company till they get back.
Tara hesitates.
DAWN (cont’d)
You notice how it’s been getting dark
so much earlier these days?
She focuses on the TV as Tara looks out the window into the dark, dark night. Raucous laughter from
the TV.
DAWN (cont’d)
Ha! Talking cat…
Tara smirks, knowing exactly what Dawn’s doing.
TARA
Fine, I’ll stay, but just till they
get back.
Dawn smiles and keeps watching TV.
TARA (cont’d)
And only to make sure you’re not
alone, this doesn’t have anything to
do with… anyone else.
DAWN
Sure, cool, up to you.
INT. BRONZE – NIGHT
ON WILLOW as she leans over the pool table.
WILLOW
I know. Xander engaged. I couldn’t
believe it either.
Willow studies the table, preparing for her next shot
AMY
It’s weird. What’s she like?
WILLOW
Thousand year old capitalist ex-demon
with rabbit-phobia.
We see Willow holds no cue. She stares at the table, the cue ball fires across on its own to CRACK
into the other balls.
AMY
Well that’s so his type.
Willow lines up her next shot. RYAN and SIMON, two clean-cut college boys, approach.
RYAN
Hey.
WILLOW
(not interested)
Hey.
AMY
(interested)
Hey.
Willow looks across at Amy, who’s suddenly enthralled by the two young men. Ryan whispers in
Amy’s ear, she giggles.
AMY (cont’d)
Well, let’s go then.
Amy turns to Willow.
AMY (cont’d)
We’re gonna go dance. Wanna come?
WILLOW
(eyeing guys)
Oh, uh, no. You go ahead. I’ll keep
an eye on the drinks.
AMY
Okay. ‘Cause, you know, if you want
something a little more your style…
Amy glances around, spots what she’s looking for. SHIRLEY, an incredibly hot girl, sits with an equally
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN at the bar. They’re engaged in intimate conversation, Shirley’s hand rests
amorously on the woman’s arm.
AMY (cont’d)
…I think we can swing that.
Amy snaps her fingers, creating magical sparks. Shirley suddenly turns to Willow, the beautiful
woman forgotten.
WILLOW
No, really, I’m —
Too late. Shirley sashays up, all hips and hungry smiles.
SHIRLEY
Hi. Shirley.
She extends her hand. Willow takes it awkwardly. Shirley doesn’t let go.
WILLOW
Willow. Nice, um, dress.
(to Amy)
Thanks, but — no.
AMY
You sure?
WILLOW
Yeah, it’s not — she’s not —
(whispers)
I’m still…
AMY
(laughs)
It’s cool.
Amy snaps her fingers again. More sparks. Shirley blinks, confused.
SHIRLEY
Oh, I’m –uh, sorry, I…
She smiles awkwardly and heads back to her beautiful and understandably pissed girlfriend.
RYAN
So are we going to —
He hooks a thumb towards the dance floor
AMY
Yeah.
(to Willow)
You sure you’re okay?
WILLOW
Yeah, go. I’m all kinds of good.
Amy laughs as Ryan and Simon pull her out onto the dance floor. Willow watches as they bump and
grind. Sadness creeps into her eyes.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BRONZE – NIGHT
Willow is sitting at the bar nursing a drink. It’s obvious she’s been there awhile. She eyes an olive on
a toothpick. The pimento looks like it’s staring back.
WILLOW
No use looking at me like that. It’s
the gullet for you, mister.
She pops it in her mouth. Amy comes up, laughing and breathless.
AMY
Hey. Sorry, got kinda caught up.
WILLOW
(delighted she’s back)
No, s’okay.
AMY
(downing Willow’s
drink)
You know if rats could dance, they
probably wouldn’t gnaw so much.
Ryan and Simon come up.
RYAN
Come on. We’re just getting started.
AMY
I’m gonna sit this one out.
SIMON
(laughs)
Nuh-uh. You don’t get us worked up
like that and then just —
He starts pulling her towards the dance floor.
AMY
Hey!
WILLOW
I think she said no.
RYAN
Nobody asked you, Ellen.
Beat. The girls look at each other.
AMY
You wanna dance.
RYAN
That’s all. Nice, slow, relaxing
dance.
They both make the tiniest hand movement, and POOF! Ryan and Simon suddenly find themselves
suspended just above the barin go-go dancing cages. Each is dressed in a skimpy go-go boy outfit,
and each finds himself dancing.
WILLOW
Gee.
AMY
I think I do feel more relaxed
WILLOW
Hmmmm. Me too.
Amy and Willow share the tiniest, barely-devious smile
INT. SPIKE’S CRYPT – DOWNSTAIRS – NIGHT
Spike moves about the room. Organized. Preparing.
From a chest of drawers, he pulls out a stun gun, fires it a couple times to make sure it works. Sets
in on a table.
From a trunk at the foot of the bed, he brings out a coil of rope, pulling it tight. Puts it on the table,
too.
He rustles some more in the trunk, reveals a set of chains. And a handful of padlocks. And a pair of
handcuffs. On the table.
He rummages through a stack of records, finds just what he’s looking for: an LP of Roxy Music’s
Avalon. He pops it on a dusty old turntable.
He lights some candles, sets a bouquet of flowers in a vase, sprinkles rose petals on the bed. He
looks around, taking in his handiwork, then lets out a long, contented sigh.
SPIKE
There. All ready.
He lets his eyes sweep the room once more, a final look, then
CUT TO:
EXT. GRAVEYARD – CONTINUOUS – NIGHT
Spike runs from his crypt, excited, determined focused.
EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE GRAVEYARD – NIGHT (LATER)
Spike running much slower, winded. He eases up, starts walking.
EXT. SUNNYDALE STREET – NIGHT
Spike gets to a pay phone, exhausted but still determined.
SPIKE
Now at last, Buffy, you will come
to me, and your destiny wi — wait.
He searches his pockets — all of them.
SPIKE (cont’d)
Coulda sworn I brought change.
He keeps searching. Nothing. He checks the coin return slot on the phone. Empty.
SPIKE (cont’d)
Oh, balls.
And he runs back from whence he came, frustrated.
INT. MAGIC BOX – NIGHT
XANDER
Ah ha! I got it! Here’s our villain
right here.
He sits with Buffy and Anya in the deserted shop, surrounded by thumbed-through texts, holding one
of them open, pointing.
Anya and Buffy look at the open page, then return to their own books.
XANDER (cont’d)
What?
ANYA
Sweetie, that’s a D&D manual.
XANDER
But, I could’ve… oh.
ANYA
Let’s admit it -we can’t find this
thing because it doesn’t exist.
There’s no such thing as a frost
monster who eats diamonds.
BUFFY
Well maybe he doesn’t eat diamonds.
Maybe he just… thinks they’re
pretty.
She closes her book. Feeling lame.
BUFFY (cont’d)
We suck.
XANDER
We need new brains. What’s up with
Willow?
BUFFY
Out with Amy, I guess.
ANYA
Great. Someone to do more magic with.
BUFFY
But… she’s not cooped up and
crying, that’s forward momentum. I
don’t know everything that happened
with Tara, but Willow was —
XANDER
Tara thinks Willow was doing too much
magic. She’s not the only one.
BUFFY
I know. But I think she’ll be fine. This
is Willow, she of the level head
ANYA
Those are the ones you have to watch
out for the most. Responsible types.
BUFFY
Right. Cause they might go all crazy
and start alphabetizing everything.
ANYA
I’m serious. Responsible people try
so hard to be good all the time –
when they get a taste of being bad,
they can’t get enough. It’s like –
kablooey!
Buffy starts taking this personally:
BUFFY
That’s not true-
ANYA
Okay, not kablooey. More like BAM!
XANDER
It is human nature, Buff. Will’s
getting a taste of something
powerful, way bigger than her.
ANYA
She was getting out of control with
it before Tara left. And now that
she’s gone…
XANDER
It must be seductive, just to give
into it. Go totally wild. We need
to keep an eye on her.
BUFFY
Okay. We’ll keep an eye. But we don’t
have to assume everybody’s getting
seduced. Sometimes–
The phone rings. Buffy starts. Then jumps up to get it
BUFFY (cont’d)
(into the phone)
Hello?
We intercut with Spike on the pay phone. Trying to be menacing.
SPIKE
Slayer.
BUFFY
Spike?
SPIKE
Meet me at the cemetery. Twenty
minutes. Come alone.
A beat.
BUFFY
Spike?
Spike loses his menace.
SPIKE
Bloody hell, yes, it’s me.
BUFFY
You’re calling me on the phone?
SPIKE
Just be there.
BUFFY
Why, are you helping again? You have
a lead on the Frost Monster thingie?
SPIKE
Something like that, yeah. Kinda
thought you might be up for a little
grunt work.
She misinterprets, wants to pretend she doesn’t feel it, but she can’t help it: it’s definitely getting
warm in here.
BUFFY
What? No! No grunting.
SPIKE
I was talking shop, love. But if
you’ve other ideas… You and me…
Cozy little tomb with a view-
Buffy snaps out of it, abruptly hangs up on Spike. She looks at Xander and Anya – distracted,
flustered.
XANDER
What did Captain Peroxide want?
BUFFY
Nothing. He wanted to… patrol.
(so awkward it sounds
like she doesn’t
speak English very
well)
But I told him that I would not.
EXT. MAGIC BOX – LATER
As Buffy, Xander and Anya leave for the night
BUFFY
I’m telling you, I think there’s just
something about this thing.
XANDER
I dunno, Buff, feels like we’ve been
through every book.
ANYA
Yes, even the ones that aren’t so
boring you want to kill yourself.
XANDER
We have those?
BUFFY
I’m just saying. All the things
that’ve happened lately, a bank
robbery, a jewel heist.
XANDER
Exploding lint.
BUFFY
They just… is it me, or do they all seem really —
ANYA
Lame?
BUFFY
I was going for unusual, but yeah.
They all sort of stare out into the night, thinking.
BUFFY (cont’d)
I dunno. I’ll do a quick patrol,
then, tomorrow, after a good night’s
sleep, we solve this.
ANYA
Optimism. I remember optimism.
XANDER
That’s ’cause you’re a thousand.
BUFFY
Night, guys.
XANDER
Night.
Xander and Anya head toward home, Buffy goes off the other way to patrol. She gets about ten feet
before Spike steps out of the shadows.
SPIKE
Slayer.
BUFFY
And so my night is now complete.
Spike begins to circle her, menacing.
SPIKE
You never showed.
BUFFY
Sorry. Little busy actually doing stuff.
SPIKE
You shouldn’t be so flip, love.
BUFFY
Why, what are you gonna do, walk
behind me to death?
He moves in closer.
SPIKE
I’m just saying, things might be a
little different now. You oughta be
careful.
Buffy tries to get around him, but he won’t let her pass.
BUFFY
Enough! Enough, move.
SPIKE
Or what?
She punches him in the face. He doesn’t fall, he doesn’t back up. He slowly turns back to her. Getting
pissed.
And he punches her right back.
SPIKE (cont’d)
Ohh, the pain, the pain… is gone.
Her eyes wide, Buffy faces Spike, realizing the threat he now represents.
SPIKE (cont’d)
Guess what I just found out.
Buffy is horrified, knowing what he’s about to say before he ever even gets there.
SPIKE (cont’d)
Looks like I’m not as toothless as
you thought, sweetheart.
BUFFY
How?
SPIKE
Don’t you get it? Don’t you see?
He smiles at her, cruelly.
SPIKE (cont’d)
You came back wrong.
BLACK OUT
END OF ACT THREE
Act Four
EXT. SUNNYDALE STREET – NIGHT
Buffy advances, punching and kicking Spike down the street, eventually taking them in front of
EXT. CONDEMNED HOUSE – CONTINUOUS – NIGHT
Dilapidated. Complete with signs taped to the front door. Spike casually and easily matches Buffy,
punching right back.
BUFFY
It’s a trick. You did something to the
chip, it’s a trick.
SPIKE
No trick. It’s not me. It’s you.
He slaps her — hard and repeatedly — just to be annoying.
SPIKE (cont’d)
It’s just you, that’s the funny part.
You’re the one who changed, that’s
why this doesn’t hurt me.
Buffy backs up. Spike gloats.
SPIKE (cont’d)
Came back a little less human than
you were.
Using the distance, Buffy kicks Spike hard in the chest. He flies up against the wall of the house, but
never falls. He rushes Buffy, she swings at him, he swings right back, connecting with her jaw.
SPIKE (cont’d)
See? Doesn’t hurt.
Buffy’s pissed now, and she socks him in the jaw right back.
BUFFY
See? Yes it does.
She throws punch after punch, wailing on Spike now, pushing him back, back, back toward the
house…
INT. BRONZE – NIGHT
Things are definitely getting weird.
We see Ryan and Simon, still dancing in their go-go cages
Willow nods to the BOY BAND playing on the stage:
WILLOW
You know, this music –it’s not
quite…
She waves her hand, and the boy band becomes a GIRL BAND.
Willow and Amy turn their attention to the rest of the room:
We see other young people dancing on tables, though they seem very much not to want to.
Other people float helplessly in mid-air.
Sheep suddenly run wild through the bar.
Women find themselves adorned with intricate, Vegas-showgirl-style outfits.
One guy slowly gets all tall and stretchy, the guy next to him slowly starts getting very small.
Amy and Willow stand on the upper level, silently controlling everything. They turn from time to
time, covering all 360 degrees of shenanigans.
It’s almost as if they’re conducting a bizarre, visual orchestra with just their minds.
And we see Willow’s face: she’s having more fun than she’s had in a long, long time…
INT. CONDEMNED HOUSE – NIGHT
Buffy and Spike have taken the fight inside the unfurnished house. As they fight, they move from
room to room. Buffy throws one hard punch that sends Spike sprawling into the bare dining room
beneath a chandelier. He laughs.
SPIKE
Oh, poor little lost girl.
He leaps into the air and grabs hold of the chandelier, swinging from it to kick Buffy square in the
face. As she falls:
SPIKE (cont’d)
She doesn’t fit in anywhere, she has
no one to love.
He jumps down (though the chandelier’s wiring, we see, has weakened), but Buffy is quick to regain
her footing; she slams him into the staircase.
BUFFY
Me? I’m lost? Look at you, you
idiot. Poor Spikey. Can’t be a
human, can’t be a vampire. Where the hell
do you fit in?
She’s definitely gaining the upper hand, throwing him into the living room, against the brick
fireplace.
BUFFY (cont’d)
Your job is to kill the Slayer, but
all you do is follow me around,
making moon-eyes —
SPIKE
I’m in love with you.
BUFFY
You’re in love with pain. Admit it.
You like me because you enjoy getting
beat down. So who’s really screwed
up?
SPIKE
Hello! Vampire! I’m supposed to be
treading on the dark side.
He throws her into a wall, punching a hole in it. He slams her to the floor, then pins her there. In her
face:
SPIKE (cont’d)
What’s your excuse?
She grabs his face, pushes him, by sheer force of brute strength, off of herself. From where she is on
the floor, she throws him against the opposite wall, then flies at him.
INT. BRONZE – NIGHT
Willow and Amy still on the second floor. A girl floats past behind them. Willow and Amy keep
watching the room. After a beat:
WILLOW
We’ve kind of played this scene.
AMY
Yeah.
Willow sighs and waves her hand in front of her.
WILLOW
Return.
The room calms down as everyone (including the go-go boys) return to their previous place and
dress.
WILLOW (cont’d)
Forget.
And they all go about the business of dancing, getting drinks and hitting on each other.
AMY
Wait, who am I?
Willow looks at Amy in a panic.
AMY (cont’d)
Just messin’ with ya.
She keeps looking around the room, as if there’s more to see.
WILLOW
So… should we go?
AMY
(thinking)
I guess…
WILLOW
What?
AMY
I dunno, I guess I’m just not…
WILLOW
Done yet?
AMY
Yeah, we’re just starting to have
fun, I don’t wanna stop now.
WILLOW
(relieved)
I know! Me too!
Willow looks around.
WILLOW (cont’d)
I just keep thinking there’s gotta be
someplace, like, bigger than this.
AMY
With more people.
WILLOW
Heck yeah.
Amy grins.
AMY
Besides, it’s way too early to go
home yet.
WILLOW
We can still do a little more.
AMY
The night is young, the town is big.
All kinds of trouble to find still.
Willow grins back.
WILLOW
I do so love the trouble.
They head for the door.
OMITTED
INT. CONDEMNED HOUSE – NIGHT
Buffy kicks Spike into the living room wall, rushing to him to throw punches. He blocks them and
laughs. She gets one in and so does he.
SPIKE
I wasn’t planning to hurt you. Much.
BUFFY
You haven’t come close to hurting me.
SPIKE
Afraid to give me the chance?
Spike pushes her back, leaps at her. She spins him into the dining room.
She pins him against the wall. They breathe heavily, pressed up against each other. A stalemate.
SPIKE (cont’d)
Afraid I’m gonna —
She kisses him, hard, and as he kisses back, she punches the wall above them. The wall cracks and
begins to crumble.
Still liplocked, they spin away from the wall, slam into the opposite wall, Spike pressing Buffy against
the plaster. It cracks, too.
Buffy shoves Spike away and pushes off the wall. The crack there spreads up to the ceiling. Plaster
falls.
The chandelier wobbles.
Buffy lands upright against Spike, pinning him to a post across the room. She kisses him desperately,
angrily.
Walls crumble. Shelving collapses. Shards of popped-out window glass crash to the floor.
We’re very close, framed above the waist. Still kissing, still standing, some fumbling going on out of
frame, then:
Buffy and Spike look at each other, both surprised. They start moving rhythmically. Fissures form in
the wood floor.
The chandelier comes crashing down, barely missing Spike and Buffy. They keep kissing, still rolling,
moving in sync…
The floor beneath them gives way, and they crash through to:
INT.CONDEMNED HOUSE – BASEMENT – CONTINUOUS
Amidst the rubble, Buffy is on top of Spike as they continue to kiss, continue to move with each
other. They haven’t slowed or missed a single beat.
Everything around them continues to break, fall and crack…
BLACK OUT.
END OF SHOW
Transcripts
Teaser
GILES VOICEOVER: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer…
People setting books on fire.
Amy tied to the stake in “Gingerbread.”
AMY: All right! You wanna fry a witch? I’ll give you a witch! Before thee let the unclean thing crawl!
Amy turning into a rat.
The rat running around the floor.
WILLOW: She’s a perfectly normal girl. Then, she’s a rat.
BUFFY: Maybe we should get her one of those wheel thingies.
Tara and Willow in Joyce’s bedroom.
TARA: Can, can we not do this now?
WILLOW: Forget it ever happened.
Willow doing the forget spell.
WILLOW: Forget.
Tara and Willow arguing.
TARA: What is wrong with you? I know you used that spell on me.
WILLOW: I’ll go a month without doing any magic.
Willow taking the bag of herbs out of the cabinet.
TARA: Go a week.
WILLOW: Fine, that’s easy!
Willow putting the crystal in the fire.
WILLOW: When the fire goes out, when the crystal turns black, the spell will be cast.
Willow sitting and crying.
TARA: I don’t think this is gonna work.
Tara packing her things.
WILLOW: Are you saying you’re gonna leave me?
Spike in Warren’s apartment.
SPIKE: I’m placing an order.
WARREN: Oh no no, I’m not making any more girls.
SPIKE: Sure you are. Here’s your specs.
Warren, Jonathan, and Andrew in flashback.
WARREN: So … you guys wanna team up and take over Sunnydale?
JONATHAN/ANDREW: Okay.
Jonathan doing a spell.
WARREN: The Trio versus the Slayer.
JONATHAN: We’re like supervillains.
The Trio laughing their dorky super-villain laughs.
Buffy talking to Giles.
BUFFY: I can’t do this without you.
GILES: You can. That’s why I’m going.
Giles talking to the Scoobies.
GILES: I’m heading back to England.
Giles on the plane.
GILES: …and I plan to stay.
Spike and Buffy in the graveyard.
SPIKE: We have to talk.
BUFFY: About what?
SPIKE: We kissed, Buffy.
Spike and Buffy kissing at the end of “Tabula Rasa.”
Episode opens in an alley. Overhead shot of a scared middle-aged couple backing up against a wall. Two men
advancing toward them. One of the men is holding the woman’s purse and looking through it.
HUSBAND: (nervous) I’m sure we can work something out.
WIFE: A deal of some sort. Anything you want.
BUFFY: (OS) I always wanted a pony.
Everyone turns to see Buffy standing there.
BUFFY: Oh. You weren’t really speaking to me, were you? My bad. Well, as long as I’m here…
She walks forward and kicks one of the men. He stumbles back, drops the purse. He and his cohort stare at
Buffy in fear. We see that they’re human, not vampires.
BUFFY: (surprised) Wow. A mugging. Haven’t gotten one of those in a while.
The uninjured mugger checking to make sure the one Buffy kicked is okay.
BUFFY: Usually it’s blood, and with the horror … just a good old-fashioned mugging. (the victims staring at
her) Kinda sweet actually.
Buffy bends over, picks up the woman’s purse.
BUFFY: Oh, uh, probably not for you. Here. (gives the woman her purse) Go. Now.
The husband and wife run off.
One of the muggers attacks Buffy and she blocks his punch, punches him, then grabs his arm and twists it
around behind him. She holds him there while she kicks the other one back.
BUFFY: Not too sweet for you either, huh? (mugger getting up) But come on, rush me. It’ll be funny.
The second mugger gets up and is about to rush her when Spike comes into the shot yelling.
SPIKE: Yaah!
BUFFY: No!
Spike punches the mugger and falls into a pile of boxes. Buffy lets go of the mugger she’s holding and he runs
off.
Spike rolls around in the pile of boxes clutching his head in pain. Boxes fall on top of him. The other mugger
runs off too. Buffy watches them go and yells in frustration.
BUFFY: Gah! Oh!
Spike gets up, still holding his head.
BUFFY: What the hell are you doing?
SPIKE: I thought they were demons.
BUFFY: Way to go with the keen observiness, Jessica Fletcher.
SPIKE: (glares) Remind me not to help you.
BUFFY: More often?
SPIKE: Hey. Little sympathy for the man with the migraine here, can we?
BUFFY: Well, that’s what you get for attacking a human.
SPIKE: Yeah. (annoyed) You’d think if the government was gonna put a chip in my head, they’d at least make it
so I could attack criminals and that sort.
BUFFY: Yes, because muggers deserve to be eaten.
Spike gives her a sour look.
BUFFY: Just have to get your rocks off fightin’ demons.
SPIKE: (suggestively) There are other ways.
BUFFY: And to that, an extreme ‘see you later.’
She turns to go. Spike smirks, walks after her.
SPIKE: Buffy.
She stops, sighs, turns back.
BUFFY: Spike … it’s late, okay, can we just finish this another time?
SPIKE: (walks closer) Oh, so you wanna jump right to the kissing then, eh?
BUFFY: I am not kissing you, Spike. Once was-
SPIKE: Twice.
BUFFY: But not again.
She turns away again, begins walking.
SPIKE: You’re a tease, you know that, Slayer? (Buffy rolls her eyes, continues walking) Get a fellow’s motor
revving, let the tension marinate a couple-a days, then bam! Crown yourself the ice queen.
BUFFY: (still walking away) Need a few more metaphors for that little mix?
She walks off. Spike stays where he is in the alley, yelling after her.
SPIKE: (yells) It’s only a matter of time before you realize I’m the only one here for you, pet. You got no one
else!
Cut to the Summers house, night. Willow opens the door of her bedroom, peeks out, goes back inside and closes
the door. She goes over to the window, looks out.
Amy-Rat is in a cage on the floor, squeaking. Willow kneels down beside it.
WILLOW: What’s the matter, Amy? You lonely? (opens the cage) Oh, we need to get you a nice companion rat
(takes Amy out of the cage) that you can love … play with … and grow attached to, until one day they leave you
for no good reason.
Willow carries the rat over to the bed, stroking it gently. She puts the rat down on the bed.
WILLOW: Won’t that be fun? (rat squeaking) Relax, Amy. I’m just kiddin’. I swear, if I could figure out how to
turn you back… (realizes something) Any way … Revele!
A sheet of paper appears on the desk. Willow picks it up, reads.
WILLOW: ‘Cio che fu non e piu. Cio che fu fatto disfa. Passato e il pericolo, finita e la prova. Metti le cosa a
posto.’
Willow looks up at the bed. Red lightning flashes as the rat morphs back into Amy, sitting naked on the bed
with her legs pulled up to her chest. Willow smiles.
Amy lifts her head, looks around, her movements all twitchy like a rat. She screams.
Wolf howl, opening credits.
Guest starring Danny Strong, Adam Busch, Tom Lenk, Elizabeth Anne Allen, and Amber Benson as Tara.
Written by Drew Z. Greenberg, directed by Turi Meyer.
Act I
Open in a museum, night. A person dressed all in black descends from the domed ceiling on a thin wire, à la
Tom Cruise in “Mission Impossible.” He stops, hovering beside a display case in the center of the room. Cut
closer. We see that it’s Andrew, wearing all black clothes and a black beret and a small microphone headset. He
attaches a small metal device to the side of the display case.
Warren and Jonathan walk up beside him.
WARREN: Dude, what are you doing?
JONATHAN: We’re not breaking into Langley here. It’s Sunnydale.
ANDREW: Well, you never know what new stuff they have, better safe than-
WARREN: Okay, the security system here is a guy named Rusty.
Warren gives Andrew a shove so that he starts spinning head-over-heels in the air. He spins a few times before
managing to stop himself. Warren and Jonathan grin.
WARREN: Now get up.
ANDREW: Whoa, head rush. Cool.
Andrew grins, disconnects himself from the wires.
WARREN: Guys, come on, quit jerking around.
Warren walks over to the display case. We see that he has a small gas tank strapped to his back. He removes the
device that Andrew attached to the glass, tosses it over his shoulder. Jonathan catches it.
Warren produces a small blowtorch and begins cutting the glass.
ANDREW: See, that’s cool. How come he gets to play with all the cool stuff?
JONATHAN: Because I’m allergic to methane and you’re still afraid of hot things?
ANDREW: (pouty) I know.
JONATHAN: Besides, the tank kept making both of us tip over, remember?
Warren has finished cutting a hole in the glass. He knocks out the round piece of glass, reaches in and grabs a
large diamond from the case. He turns to the others.
WARREN: Got it!
JONATHAN: It’s beautiful.
WARREN: Boys, congratulations, Phase One of the plan is now complete. Let’s get the hell outta here.
They turn to go, but are confronted by an older man in a security uniform.
RUSTY: What are you boys doing?
WARREN: Um, we’re with a tour group. (pauses) The Get-The-Freeze-Ray tour group. Musta gotten separated.
RUSTY: Museum closed five hours ago.
WARREN: Really?
RUSTY: Uh-huh.
WARREN: Huh! Guess we just lost track of time, we should probably get the freeze ray out of here now.
Warren pauses, waiting for the others to pick up on his subtle cue, but they don’t. He turns to glare at Jonathan.
Jonathan and Andrew finally clue in, turn their backs to Rusty and dig in a bag that Jonathan’s carrying.
WARREN: ‘Cause we love the learning, Rusty. (walking closer to Rusty) Museums, libraries, Disney Hall of
Presidents … not boring. But more to the point? Good-bye.
Warren makes a kissing motion at Rusty and backs up. Jonathan points a large gun-like device at Rusty and
fires. Ice shoots out of it and encases Rusty completely, immobilizing him.
WARREN: (excited) Dude, that is so cool! (walks closer to Rusty)
ANDREW: The freeze ray totally worked.
We see that Jonathan’s arm holding the freeze-ray is also encased in ice.
JONATHAN: Yeah, uh, not exactly.
WARREN: (still gazing at Rusty) So there’s a kink or two. It’s just a prototype. I mean, soon we’ll have-
JONATHAN: Hey, that’s really neato and stuff, but in the meantime, you know … ow!
WARREN: (glances at him) Be a bigger wuss.
JONATHAN: Can we just go back to the lair? Because … I can’t … really feel my fingers.
WARREN: Yeah, yeah, come on.
Jonathan and Andrew walk on past Warren. Andrew pauses looking at Rusty.
ANDREW: Is he gonna like-
WARREN: Oh, he’ll be fine. Yeah, he’ll defrost in a couple of days, no harm, no foul.
ANDREW: Won’t he tell on us?
WARREN: And say what? ‘Two guys and a mime took me out with their freeze ray’? That’s likely.
Andrew looks uncertain.
WARREN: Come on!
They walk off, leaving Rusty standing there with bits of mist curling off him.
Cut to the Summers house. Amy still sits on the bed in the same position, but now she is wearing clothes. She
looks around, very twitchy rat-like movements. She jumps as the door opens. Willow enters holding a mug.
WILLOW: Hey. Here’s some hot chocolate, you want-
AMY: No, thanks. (gestures at her throat) Still … kinda queasy.
WILLOW: Okay. Maybe later.
Willow turns to put the mug down. Sound of a siren from outside. Amy starts, looks fearfully at the window.
Magic sound-effect. The window slams shut.
WILLOW: Hey, no, i-it’s okay.
Amy makes a gesture with one hand and the curtains pull shut over the window.
WILLOW: (walking forward) It’s, it’s just a siren. It’s o-it’s all right. Okay? You okay?
Amy peers at the window, then looks at Willow.
AMY: (twitchy) Mm-hm. Yeah. Just … you know. (whispers) Everything feels weird. (Willow nods) I mean, it’s
like … I felt like I was in that cage for weeks. (Willow looks nervous) But it can still be okay … right? I-I can
still get into the swing of things, like … prom’s coming up. I-I’m so hoping Larry would ask me. We would make
such a splash at- (sees Willow’s expression) Oh. Oh god. (sighs, anxiously) He hasn’t asked someone else, has
he?
WILLOW: Uh, Amy … three things we have to talk about. One, Larry’s gay. (Amy staring at her) Two, Larry’s
dead. (Amy still staring) And three, high school’s … kinda over.
Amy frowns, stares at her.
AMY: How long was I in the cage?
Willow fidgets nervously, looks around.
AMY: How long?!
Cut to downstairs. Buffy enters from outside, puts her keys on the table by the door, looks around.
BUFFY: Willow?
She goes up the stairs.
Cut to the bedroom. Willow sits on the bed, leaning against the headboard. Buffy enters.
BUFFY: Hey. (they smile at each other) How you doin’?
WILLOW: Oh. Uh … okay. (sits up)
BUFFY: Yeah? (sits on bed beside Willow)
WILLOW: Yeah. Not parades and cotton candy, but … okay.
BUFFY: Will, um … can I talk to you about something?
WILLOW: Of course.
BUFFY: (nervous) Right. Okay. Um … You know how we all make choices? And sometimes they’re good, and
… sometimes they’re … less good.
WILLOW: Uh-huh…
BUFFY: Well, lately, I, uh…
The bathroom door opens. Buffy glances over as Amy comes out.
BUFFY: Oh, Tara, hey- (pauses, stares) Amy?!
AMY: (to Willow) The whole school?
Willow nods. Buffy stares at Amy, then at Willow.
AMY: By a giant snake thing. (nods) Okay, still adjusting. Hi Buffy.
BUFFY: Hi. (awkwardly) How’ve you been?
AMY: Rat. You?
BUFFY: Dead.
AMY: Oh.
BUFFY: (looking at Willow) Well, I should … let you guys catch up, I can-
AMY: No no no, stay. (twitchy) Do you have any cookies?
BUFFY: Uh, yeah, w-what kind?
AMY: Any kind. Not cheese.
BUFFY: Um, sure, in the, the kitchen, I’ll just get ’em- (gets up)
AMY: Oh no, I’ll grab ’em. (moves toward the door)
BUFFY: Okay, well, at least, you know, let me make up the, the couch for you? It’s late, you should stay here.
Everybody does.
AMY: (distracted) Thank you.
Amy exits. Buffy stares at Willow.
BUFFY: Wow.
WILLOW: (smiling) I know.
BUFFY: Is … she gonna be okay?
WILLOW: Don’t know. She’s kinda freaked out. I mean, I would be too.
BUFFY: Wow.
WILLOW: I, I just realized I could. Thought of the right thing, and … it’s nice, having another magically-
inclined friend around.
Buffy looks down, pensive.
WILLOW: So, w-what were you gonna tell me? You were sounding all serious.
BUFFY: Huh? Oh. Uh, it’s nothing. I mean, the whole Amy, rat, Amy thing … no way I’m toppin’ that.
Buffy exits.
Cut to downstairs. Amy sits on the couch eating cookies and watching TV.
Buffy comes down the stairs, stands in the doorway from the foyer to the living room.
BUFFY: Hey. (Amy mutes the TV) How you doin’? Need anything?
AMY: No, thanks. Good cookies.
Buffy smiles. Beat.
AMY: Sorry about your mom.
BUFFY: (softly) Thanks.
AMY: It’s crazy, all the things that’ve happened since I went away.
BUFFY: No kidding.
AMY: Snyder got eaten by a snake … high school got destroyed…
BUFFY: Oh, Gatorade has a new flavor. Blue.
AMY: See? Head spinning. (shakes head) People getting frozen … Willow’s dating girls … and did you hear
about Tom and Nicole?!
Buffy comes forward, frowning.
BUFFY: (frowns) People getting frozen?
Amy turns on the TV sound.
TV REPORTER: …in critical yet stable condition as local authorities continue their investigation into the
robbery that left one man frozen solid.
On the TV, behind the reporter we can see the exterior of the museum with an ambulance and a bunch of people
moving around.
REPORTER: Live from the museum, Ryan Morris, KOUS.
AMY: Weird.
Cut to outside the museum. Sirens, flashing lights, a crowd of people standing around.
Buffy stands behind the gathered people, jumping up and down trying to see over their heads.
BUFFY: Excuse me, excuse me, thanks.
She pushes her way to the front of the crowd, stares and frowns.
We see a couple of policemen wheeling out the still-frozen Rusty on a dolly. TV cameramen following them.
Buffy turns and starts walking around toward the side of the museum, across the lawn. She looks back at the
crowd, continues on her way, suddenly stops as she sees something in front of her.
BUFFY: (annoyed) Great.
SPIKE: Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up.
BUFFY: What are you doing here, Spike?
SPIKE: Well, you know, a man was frozen alive in there. A little compassion, luv.
Buffy rolls her eyes, starts to walk past him. Spike falls into step beside her.
SPIKE: Uh, you know, as long as we’re both here, you might as well tag along. I mean, as a team we could-
BUFFY: Yeah, that never really ends well, does it?
SPIKE: It did the other night.
BUFFY: You really seem awfully fixated on a couple of kisses, Spike.
Spike pauses, so that she walks a few steps ahead of him.
SPIKE: And you seem awfully quick to forget about them.
Buffy stops walking, turns to him.
BUFFY: Look. I’m sorry, okay? I’m-I’m sorry if you thought that it meant more.
SPIKE: But…
BUFFY: But … when I kissed you … you know I was thinking about Giles, right?
SPIKE: You know, I always wondered about you two.
BUFFY: What? (makes a face) Oh, gross, Spike! (Spike frowns) He left. I was depressed. Ergo vulnerability
and, and bad kissing decisions. (Spike still frowning) Okay, but, that’s all that it was. You have to let it go.
SPIKE: (smirking) Did it work?
BUFFY: What?
SPIKE: You convince yourself?
BUFFY: (seriously) Please, stop.
She starts walking again. Spike follows.
SPIKE: A man can change.
She again stops walking and faces him.
BUFFY: You’re not a man. You’re a thing.
She turns away again. Spike frowns, grabs her shoulder.
SPIKE: Stop walking away.
BUFFY: Don’t touch me!
As Spike turns her around she punches him with her other hand. He pulls back and backhands her. Buffy falls to
the ground.
Spike looks surprised, puts his hand tentatively to his head with the beginning of a smile. Looks at Buffy, who is
still getting to her feet and has her back to him.
SPIKE: Ahh, ahh, ohh! (grabs his head)
Buffy gets up, backhands Spike and he goes down. He gets up to a kneeling position with his back to Buffy and
stays there, looking at the ground. She speaks to his back.
BUFFY: You’re a thing. An evil, disgusting, thing.
She walks past him and away.
Spike lifts his head to watch her go. Slowly an evil grin spreads across his face.
Blackout.
Act II
Open on the street, downtown, night. People walking around, talking, etc. Spike walks out from an alley, looks
around, grins.
Pan across the street. Lots of people going about their business.
SPIKE: (to himself) Look at all the goodies.
He continues looking around, pauses as he spots something.
Closer shot of a young blonde woman standing on the corner, looking at her watch, looking around, hugging
herself as if she’s cold. She turns and starts to walk away.
Spike moves to follow her.
Cut to an alley. The young woman walks along, still hugging herself, looking nervous. Suddenly Spike steps out
in front of her. She screams.
SPIKE: That’s right, you should scream.
She tries to get away but he moves to intercept her. She looks scared.
SPIKE: Creature of the night here, yeah? (indicating himself) Some people forget that.
He advances on the woman. She backs away, shaking her head fearfully, backs up against a wall.
WOMAN: Please.
SPIKE: She thinks I’m housebroken. She forgot who she’s dealing with.
WOMAN: Anything you want, please-
SPIKE: Just ’cause she’s confused about where she fits in, I’m supposed to be too? ‘Cause I’m not. (pacing back
and forth) I know what I am. I’m dangerous. I’m evil.
WOMAN: (scared) I-I’m sure you’re not evil.
SPIKE: Yes, I am. I am a killer. (moves closer to her) That’s what I do. I kill. And, yeah, maybe it’s been a long
time, but … it’s not like you forget how.
He gets up very close to the woman, who is panting fearfully.
SPIKE: You just … do it. (nervously) And now I can, again, all right? So here goes.
He morphs into vamp face. The woman screams.
SPIKE: This might hurt a little.
He bends over to bite her, then flings himself back, yelling in pain, crashes into a Dumpster. The woman runs
off.
Spike crouches there clutching the Dumpster, panting.
SPIKE: What the hell is going on?
Cut to an outdoor cafe, day. Dawn sits drinking from a very large chocolate milkshake as Tara watches.
TARA: Good god, that’s a lot of shake. (Dawn nods) I mean, I know, part of our … big … movie and milkshake
fun day, but … good god, that’s a lot of shake.
DAWN: (laughs) Helps to wash down the Raisinettes.
TARA: Promise me that you will eat something green tonight. Leafy green, not … gummi green.
They both laugh. Dawn continues drinking her milkshake.
TARA: The movie was fun.
DAWN: Yeah. It was ironic when all those cute inner-city kids taught their coach a valuable lesson.
TARA: You know that I will always be there for you, right? (Dawn looks at her, stops smiling) There, there was
actually more of a lead-in when I practiced that at home.
DAWN: I know.
TARA: It’s just … I wanted you to know that … my moving out had nothing to do with you, and I, I will never
stop loving you.
DAWN: I know. (beat) Do you think you’ll ever get back together?
TARA: I wish I knew.
DAWN: But you still love her.
TARA: Very much. I just … sometimes … other things get in the way.
DAWN: I know. (nervously) Uh, she’s been doing a lot better lately, though. Uh, she’s been really good about …
being careful … a-about stuff.
TARA: Well, good. Great, that’s … that’s great.
Cut to the magic shop. Willow, Xander, and Buffy sit around the round table. Anya stands by the bookshelves in
background.
WILLOW: Here. Says the guard’s definitely gonna live.
XANDER: (reading newspaper) He’s all thawed out, says they used hair-dryers. Huh.
Shot of the newspaper with an article headline reading: Museum Guard Attacked, Frozen. Body Thawed,
Remains Unconscious.
WILLOW: Everything slowed down. His nervous system, circulatory system. He’s still unconscious.
Anya makes a whiny noise.
BUFFY: Anya?
ANYA: It’s such a pain. The text I wanted, Giles took it with him. He has this thing that … owning a book
makes it like his property.
BUFFY: What should we do, should we call him? It’s like the middle of last night there. (frowns) Or maybe it’s
tomorrow. Anyone remember how that works?
WILLOW: That’s okay, no one freak. We’ll just do it another way. (reaches for her bag)
BUFFY: I-I don’t think we need to resort to … I mean…
Willow pulls out her laptop computer and sets it on the table.
BUFFY: Oh. Hey, cool.
XANDER: All right, back to basics. A little old-fashioned state-of-the-art hacker action.
BUFFY: That’s great, Will, I haven’t seen you do that in a long time.
Willow puts her hands over the keyboard, not touching it. The keyboard glows with a pale yellow light.
BUFFY: (to Xander) I-I don’t remember that part. (Buffy and Xander staring at Willow)
WILLOW: (staring blankly in front of her) It’s quicker. It’ll just take me a sec to go through the files. Okay.
Internal police report.
Buffy and Xander exchange a concerned look.
WILLOW: A diamond was stolen from the museum last night. A big one. On loan from the British museum.
They’re withholding information to smoke out the criminals. Oh! It’s pretty. (looks at Buffy, smiles) There’s a
picture.
BUFFY: Well, is it a, a supernatural diamond? You know, like, healing powers, or, or good-lucky?
ANYA: Maybe it’s cursed. Diamonds are excellent for cursing.
WILLOW: (again staring blankly) Well, we’ll keep checking, shall we?
XANDER: (awkwardly) Well, you know, I am kinda beat, and I bet you that’s tiring, that … thing you’re doing
there… (fake yawn)
Xander gives an exaggerated stretch as if to show he’s tired. Willow takes her hands off the keyboard. Sound
effect to indicate the end of her spell. She looks at them.
WILLOW: Guys, I’m fine. What’s the deal with-
ANYA: Oh, for crying out loud. This is bizarre. You’re all, ‘la la la!’ with, with the magic, and the not talking,
like everything’s normal, when we all know that Tara up and left you and now everyone’s scared to say anything
to you. (pauses, smiles) Except me. (looks at Xander) Is this that thing I do that you were commenting- (Xander
nods)
WILLOW: Guys … it’s okay. It’s hard … but i-it’s better this way. Little things just … starting taking over, things
that didn’t matter, but we saw them differently, so … they got blown out of proportion. (Shot of Buffy and
Xander listening) And, this time away will help us sort through things. Really. Now, let’s just keep working on
this. I don’t wanna leave Amy alone in the house so long.
XANDER: Amy, is she … how is she adjusting?
WILLOW: It’s hard to say. It’s a lot to take in. I keep expecting her to do, like, ratty stuff, you know, licking her
hands clean, shredding newspaper, leaving little pellets in the corner.
BUFFY: Let’s definitely not leave her alone in the house too long.
Cut to: close shot of the diamond sitting on a piece of black velvet.
JONATHAN: I didn’t know it’d be so sparkly.
ANDREW: It’s so big.
WARREN: Yes, gentlemen, it turns out, size is everything. (puts hand on Jonathan’s leg) No offense, man.
Jonathan smacks him. We see that they’re in the basement lair, sitting and looking at the diamond on a card
table.
ANDREW: It makes colors with the light.
The others stare at him for a moment.
WARREN: All right, I think we’ve finished the first part, now it’s time for Phase Two.
They all get up.
WARREN: Is the van fired up?
JONATHAN: Check.
They go to the bulkhead but it slams open before they reach it. Spike is there, glaring in at them. The Geeks
stare in alarm, back away.
Spike comes down into their lair with a menacing expression. The Geeks continue to back up.
ANDREW: Hello, it’s called knocking.
Spike backs Warren up against a pole.
SPIKE: Knock knock, robot boy. (knocks on Warren’s head) Need you to look at my chip.
JONATHAN: Is that like, British slang or something? ‘Cause we’re not-
SPIKE: In my head, the chip in my head.
WARREN: We’re kind of in the middle of something.
SPIKE: Well, you can play holodeck another time. Right now, I’m in charge.
WARREN: Yeah, what are you gonna do if we don’t especially feel like maybe playing your-
Spike turns around, sees a display of action figures, reaches for it.
WARREN: What are, wait, what are you doing?
Spike picks up the Boba Fett action figure, removing it from its display stand.
SPIKE: Examine my chip, or else Mister… (looks at the label on the stand) …Fett here is the first to die.
Spike holds the action figure in one hand and takes its head in the other hand as if he’s going to pull the head
off. The geeks are extremely nervous.
JONATHAN: Hey, all right, let’s not, let’s not do anything crazy here.
ANDREW: That’s a limited edition, 1979 mint condition Boba Fett.
Spike grins, pretends to pull the head off.
WARREN: All right, dude … chill. You can still make it right. You know you don’t wanna do this.
SPIKE: What I want … is answers, nimrod.
WARREN: Right. But you don’t wanna hurt the Fett, ’cause man, you’re not comin’ back from that. You
know, you don’t just do that and walk away.
SPIKE: That right? Let’s find out.
Spike fakes pulling the head off again. Warren yells in alarm.
WARREN: Wah, uh, one second.
Warren pulls the other geeks aside.
ANDREW: Dudes, I think that’s Spike.
JONATHAN: Of course it is, and he’s evil. Completely capable of removing that head.
WARREN: I’m gonna help him out.
JONATHAN: Are you sure we can trust him? I mean, we all have heads too.
WARREN: See, we help him, and he owes us one. See, we get Spike on our side, we get info on Buffy. And
maybe, maybe we can even find a way to keep her out of Phase Two.
ANDREW: Jonathan’s right, can we trust him?
WARREN: ‘Course not. But alliances aren’t about trust. See, he needs us, we need him. (nods) Well, that’s how
these things work.
In the background we see Spike pacing, playing with the action figure.
WARREN: I think we’re ready. Agreed?
JONATHAN: Agreed.
Andrew looks over at Spike. Shot of Spike tossing the action figure in the air and catching it.
ANDREW: (to Warren) Do what you need to do.
Warren turns back to Spike.
WARREN: I think we can work something out. I’ll take a look at your chip. It’ll be a deal. We scratch your back,
you scratch-
SPIKE: I’m not scratching your anything. You do what I tell you, that’s the deal. Deal?
WARREN: (sighs) Deal.
SPIKE: Then let’s go.
Spike tosses the action figure to Andrew as Spike and Warren move off. Andrew catches it, and he and Jonathan
look anxiously at it.
ANDREW: Oh! It’s okay, it’s okay. It’ll be fine.
Cut to the Summers house. Willow enters, looks around, goes into the living room.
WILLOW: Amy?
Amy peeks out of the kitchen.
AMY: Oh god, you’re back. (hurries over) I thought you said you wouldn’t be gone that long.
WILLOW: I wasn’t. I mean, I thought it was-
AMY: Let’s go somewhere.
WILLOW: Don’t you wanna go see your dad?
AMY: (twitchy) No. Can’t. Not yet. Too many questions.
WILLOW: (nods) About where you were.
AMY: No, about how I got there. (pauses) I wish there was a way that I could make him forget about the last
three years.
WILLOW: Oh, well hey, I can help you with that. Only, you might wanna sew your name into your clothes first
or something. (puts her bag down)
AMY: No … (crosses arms over her chest) I just don’t wanna deal with him right now. I think I would be…
(pauses, looks at Willow) …bored.
WILLOW: (nods) Well.
AMY: Come on, let’s get outta here.
WILLOW: (uncertain) Oh, well, what do you wanna do?
AMY: I don’t know. Something fun. Anything … not involving a big wheel. (Willow smiles a little) Or … maybe
… you’d rather sit home all night, alone, like in high school.
WILLOW: No! (stands up) No, you know what? I can have fun. Heck, I, I deserve some fun.
AMY: Yeah you do!
WILLOW: I can party! Not like I owe anyone anything. I am totally free. (nods) So, let’s make with the fun.
They turn and walk off.
Cut to the lair. Warren fiddles with an electronic device, then turns to Spike who is lying on his back on a table.
Spike has his hands behind his head and numerous wires attached to his head. Warren moves the device over
Spike’s head. Pan across the table to reveal a book open to a page that shows a diagram of the human brain.
There’s also a disconnected robot arm.
Cut to later. Andrew, Jonathan, and Spike sit in chairs side-by-side on a slightly raised platform.
ANDREW: You’re English, right?
SPIKE: (frowns at him suspiciously) Yeah.
ANDREW: I’ve seen every episode of Doctor Who. (Spike continues frowning) Not Red Dwarf, though, ’cause,
um…
JONATHAN: ‘Cause it’s not out yet on DVD.
ANDREW: Right. It’s not out on … (weakly) DVD.
Spike scowls at them.
SPIKE: (yells) Warren!!
Warren appears from another room holding a pile of paper.
WARREN: Here I am, here.
SPIKE: Bloody hell. Get on with it then.
Warren hands Spike the papers. Spike looks at them.
SPIKE: Help me out here, Spock, I don’t speak loser. (gives papers back)
WARREN: Okay, right, um … your chip works fine, yeah.
SPIKE: (frowns) There’s gotta be something wrong-
WARREN: No, no, listen. I don’t know what that thing does … I’d like to… (leans closer)
SPIKE: (leans back) Hey.
WARREN: But whatever it is, it works fine. There’s no deterioration of the signal, it still is coming through on a
steady pulse. Which it’s supposed to.
Spike stands up, gets in Warren’s face, towers over him on the platform, very menacing.
SPIKE: If you’re lying to me-
WARREN: No! It’s all right here. I, I mean, it is. It’s really not that hard to figure out, if you just… (sees Spike
frowning) What?
Spike frowns, ponders deeply. Gives a small smile. Looks at Warren.
SPIKE: You tell anyone about this…
WARREN: No, I promise. Who would I tell, I don’t even know what this is about!
SPIKE: It’s about the rules having changed.
Spike steps down from the platform and heads for the door.
SPIKE: Everything’s different now.
He gets to the stairs leading out, starts up them.
SPIKE: (to himself) Nothing wrong with me. Something wrong with her.
He smirks and exits. Blackout.
Act III
Open on the foyer of the Summers house. Dawn and Tara enter.
DAWN: (calls) Hello! We’re home!
TARA: Looks like no one’s here.
DAWN: Well, I’m sure they’ll be back soon. Um, I know Willow and Buffy were meeting up with Xander to do
some research.
Dawn takes Tara’s arm and pulls her into the living room.
TARA: Well then I, I should really get back.
DAWN: Or, you can stay and wait for them. (sits on couch) Then you can get a chance to catch up with …
everyone.
TARA: Yeah, I-I don’t think that’s such a great idea.
DAWN: Okay. Your call. (picks up TV remote) I have the TV to keep me company until they get back.
Dawn begins channel-surfing. Tara grimaces uncertainly.
DAWN: (innocently) You notice how it’s been getting dark so much earlier these days?
Dawn sneaks a sly look at Tara, who looks nervously at the windows.
DAWN: (giggles, indicates TV) Talking cat.
Tara rolls her eyes, sighs, sits beside Dawn.
TARA: Fine. I’ll stay, but just until they get back. And only to make sure that you’re not alone, this … has
nothing to do with … anyone else.
DAWN: Sure. Cool. Up to you.
Dawn snuggles up to Tara, puts her head on Tara’s shoulder. They both watch TV.
Cut to the Bronze. The group Virgil is onstage, performing their song “Vermilion Borders.”
MALE SINGER:
Low country wars
Oh, there’s a demon
She’s drinkin’ and thinkin’
Of runnin’ away
Close shot of Willow’s face as she bends over. Sound of billiard balls clinking. Willow grimaces.
WILLOW: I know. Xander engaged, I couldn’t believe it either. (straightens up)
AMY: It’s just so weird. (bends over, sound of billiard balls) So what’s she like?
WILLOW: (shrugs) Thousand-year-old capitalist ex-demon with rabbit phobia. (walks around Amy)
AMY: Well, that’s so his type.
Willow nods agreement, bends over. We see that neither she nor Amy is holding a pool cue. Willow uses magic
to make her shot, knocking a ball into the corner pocket. She straightens up.
Two guys walk over.
GUY 1: Hey.
WILLOW: (uninterested) Hey.
AMY: (smiling) Hey.
The first guy leans over and whispers in Amy’s ear. Willow watches.
AMY: Well, let’s go then. (to Willow) We’re gonna go dance. Do you wanna come?
WILLOW: Oh, uh, no, you go. I’ll keep an eye on our drinks.
AMY: Okay. I mean, because, if you want something a little more your style…
Shot of the bar area. We see a very pretty dark-haired woman chatting with a blonde woman.
Willow turns around and sees them.
AMY: I’m sure we can swing that.
Amy snaps her fingers, which makes a little green sparkle. The dark-haired woman looks over at Willow.
Willow turns anxiously to Amy.
WILLOW: No, really, no.
The woman gets up, walks over. The one she was talking to looks annoyed. The guys look interested.
BREE: (to Willow, seductively) Hi. Bree.
WILLOW: Willow. Nice … um … top.
Willow turns to Amy again.
WILLOW: (nervous) No. Thanks, but no.
AMY: You sure?
WILLOW: (nods, looks at Bree, then back at Amy) I’m not, she, I’m still-
AMY: It’s cool.
Amy snaps her fingers again. Bree looks confused.
BREE: Oh, uh, sorry.
Bree walks back to where she was. The other girl looks outraged.
GUY 1: So, uh, are we gonna go?
AMY: (to Willow) You sure you’re gonna be okay?
WILLOW: Yeah, go. I’m all kinds of good.
Amy and the two guys go off to the dance floor, begin dancing together. Willow stands watching.
MALE SINGER:
I’m getting caught in the corners
Of her vermilion borders
She’s moving backwards and forwards
And she’s ugly when she’s insecure
Cut to later. Willow sits by herself staring at a martini glass. She lifts out the plastic stirrer with an olive speared
on it.
Close shot of the olive with its pimento filling.
WILLOW: No use looking at me like that. It’s the gullet for you, mister.
She eats the olive.
Amy comes rushing over.
AMY: Hey! Sorry, I kinda got caught up. (drinks from another martini)
WILLOW: No, it’s okay.
Amy puts down her glass, ponders.
AMY: You know … if rats could dance … they probably wouldn’t gnaw so much.
Willow smiles and nods.
The two guys walk over again.
GUY 1: Hey, come on. We’re just getting started.
AMY: (looks at Willow) I think I’m gonna sit this one out.
GUY 2: Nuh-uh! You can’t, you can’t just work us up like that and then just-
The guy grabs Amy’s arm and pulls her away from the bar, but she pulls free.
AMY: Hey!
WILLOW: I think she said no.
GUY 2: Well, nobody asked you … Ellen.
The two guys snicker. Amy and Willow exchange a look, then look at the guys again.
AMY: You wanna dance?
GUY 1: That’s all. Nice, slow … relaxing dance.
Amy and Willow exchange another look, shrug, and both gesture at the guys. Magical special-effect shoots
from their hands to the two guys. Willow’s special-effect is dark orange, Amy’s green.
Suddenly the two guys disappear and reappear in dance-cages above the dance floor. They each wear just a
skimpy loincloth. They both begin to dance although their faces look shocked and appalled.
Willow and Amy watch with small smiles.
WILLOW: Gee.
AMY: I think I do feel more relaxed.
Cut to the magic shop. Buffy, Xander, and Anya sit around the table looking at books.
XANDER: Aha! I got it! Uh, here’s our villain right here!
Anya and Buffy look, then both shake their heads. Buffy returns to her book.
XANDER: What?
ANYA: That’s a D&D; manual, sweetie.
XANDER: No, but it could- (looks at the book cover, laughs weakly) Oh.
ANYA: Let’s face it, we’re not gonna find this thing because it doesn’t exist. There’s no such thing as a frost
monster who eats diamonds.
BUFFY: Well, maybe he doesn’t eat them. You know, maybe he just … thinks they’re pretty.
She nods hopefully for a moment, then stops, makes a face, slams her book shut.
BUFFY: We suck.
XANDER: We need new brains. What’s up with Willow?
BUFFY: Out with Amy, I guess.
ANYA: Great, someone to do more magic with.
BUFFY: But at least she’s not all cooped up and crying. That’s forward momentum. Now, I know that I don’t …
know everything that happened with her and Tara, but it-
XANDER: Tara thinks Willow is doing too much magic. And she’s not the only one.
BUFFY: I know. But I-I think she’ll be fine. You know, it’s, it’s Willow. She of the level head.
ANYA: Well, those are the ones you have to watch out for the most. Responsible types.
BUFFY: Right, she might go crazy and start alphabetizing everything.
ANYA: I’m serious. Responsible people are … always so concerned with … being good all the time, that when
they finally get a taste of being bad … they can’t get enough. It’s like all (gestures) kablooey.
BUFFY: That’s not true.
ANYA: Okay, not kablooey, more like bam.
XANDER: It’s human nature, Buff. Will’s getting a taste of something powerful, way bigger than her.
ANYA: Yeah, she was getting out of control with it before Tara left, and now that she’s gone…
XANDER: It’s gotta be seductive.
Buffy looks up in alarm at the word ‘seductive.’ Her eyes widen.
XANDER: (OS) Just giving in to it. Going totally wild.
Buffy stares at him.
XANDER: We need to keep an eye on her.
BUFFY: Okay. Okay, we’ll, we’ll keep an eye. But we can’t assume that everybody’s getting seduced, you know,
sometimes-
The phone rings. Buffy gets up to answer it. We see that she’s wearing a gauzy white blouse with a long black
leather skirt. She goes to the phone at the back of the room.
BUFFY: Hello, Magic Box.
Cut to Spike standing at a pay phone.
SPIKE: (deep gruff voice) Slayer.
BUFFY: (frowns) Spike?
SPIKE: (deep voice) Meet me at the cemetery. Twenty minutes. Come alone.
BUFFY: (still frowning) Spike?
SPIKE: (rolls eyes, mutters) Bloody hell. (normal voice) Yes, it’s me.
BUFFY: You’re … calling me on the phone?
SPIKE: Just be there.
BUFFY: Why? Are you … helping again? (shot of Xander and Anya listening. Buffy speaks louder) You have a
lead on this frost monster thingie?
SPIKE: (smirking) Something like that, yeah. Thought you might be up for a little grunt work.
BUFFY: (shocked) What?! No, (whispers) no-no grunting!
SPIKE: (grins) I was talking shop, luv, but if you got other ideas … you, me, cozy little tomb with a view…
Buffy makes a face, hangs up. Spike continues grinning evilly, hangs up as well.
Buffy walks back over to the table.
XANDER: So, what did Captain Peroxide want?
BUFFY: Nothing! (nervous) You know, he just, you know, wanted to see if I-I wanted to patrol, for, for the, the
monster. (sits) But I, I told him that I … would … not.
Cut to the street, later. Buffy, Anya, and Xander emerge from the shop. Buffy now wears a denim jacket over
her blouse and skirt.
Anya locks the store. They walk down the sidewalk.
BUFFY: I’m telling you, I, I think there’s something about this thing.
XANDER: Well, I don’t know, Buff. It seems like we’ve been through every book.
ANYA: Yeah, even the ones that weren’t so boring you wanted to kill yourself.
XANDER: We have those? (they stop walking)
BUFFY: I’m just saying, all the things that have happened lately? Okay, the, the bank robbery, the jewelry
heist…
XANDER: The exploding lint.
BUFFY: I-is it me, or do these things seem really-
ANYA: Lame?
BUFFY: (shrugs) Well, I was gonna go with unusual, but, yeah.
They all stand there shrugging at each other.
BUFFY: I don’t know. You know, I’ll do a quick patrol tonight, and after a good night’s sleep, we can solve this
tomorrow.
ANYA: Optimism. I remember optimism.
XANDER: That’s because you’re like a thousand.
BUFFY: Good night, guys.
ANYA/XANDER: Good night.
Anya and Xander go off in one direction, Buffy in the other.
Cut to Buffy walking down a dark alley. Spike steps out in front of her.
SPIKE: (angrily) Slayer.
BUFFY: And so my night is now complete.
SPIKE: You never showed.
BUFFY: (walks past him) Sorry. Little busy actually doing stuff.
SPIKE: (walks beside her) You shouldn’t be so flip, luv.
BUFFY: What are you gonna do, walk behind me to death?
SPIKE: I’m just saying things might be a little different.
Spike walks around in front of her again. They stop walking.
SPIKE: You oughta be careful.
BUFFY: (shakes head) Enough.
She moves to walk around him, but he shifts to block her path.
BUFFY: (small puzzled smile) Get out of my way.
SPIKE: Or what?
Buffy shrugs, punches him in the face. Spike reels a little, catches himself, pauses. Then he hits her in the face,
spinning her around. Buffy straightens up, turns back to him.
SPIKE: (mockingly) Oh, the pain! The pain! (grimly) Is gone.
Buffy stares.
SPIKE: Guess what I just found out. Looks like I’m not as toothless as you thought, sweetheart.
BUFFY: (alarmed) How?
SPIKE: Don’t you get it? Don’t you see? (sneering) You came back wrong.
Buffy stares in disbelief. Blackout.
Act IV
Open on the same scene. Buffy stalks forward angrily, punches Spike in the face. He staggers back but laughs.
Buffy hits him again, kicks him, driving him farther down the alley. She goes to punch him but he grabs her arm
and punches her with his other hand. Buffy stumbles into a fence, turns around. Spike gets up in her face.
BUFFY: It’s a trick. You did something to the chip, it’s a trick.
SPIKE: It’s no trick. It’s not me, it’s you. Just you, in fact, that’s the funny part. (punches her in the face) ‘Cause
you’re the one that’s changed. (punches again) That’s why this doesn’t hurt me.
He swings but Buffy blocks and shoves him back.
SPIKE: (grins) Came back a little less human than you were.
BUFFY: (shakes head) You’re wrong.
She kicks him hard. He flies back into the opposite wall, but immediately bounces back and comes back over to
her.
SPIKE: Then how come you’re so spooked, luv? And why can I – (punches her) do that?
Buffy slowly looks back over at him, panting.
BUFFY: You’re wrong.
She hits him again, even harder. He falls down, gets up, grinning. Buffy hits him again and he goes down again,
gets up again. She pushes him backward into a doorway, follows him up the stairs, grabs him. They crash
through the door into the building.
Cut to the Bronze. The two guys are still almost-naked and dancing against their will in the cages.
MALE SINGER:
What is wrong here?
What is wrong here?
What is wrong with you?
We see Amy and Willow on the upper level, leaning on the railing looking down, smiling.
MALE SINGER:
What is wrong here?
What is wrong here?
Where is your head?
WILLOW: You know, this music isn’t quite…
Willow gestures. The male singer of Virgil morphs into the female singer of Halo Friendlies. The other
members of Virgil morph into members of Halo Friendlies too in background.
FEMALE SINGER: I don’t wanna be, I don’t wanna be alone
BACKUP SINGERS: No no no!
FEMALE SINGER: I don’t wanna go, I don’t wanna go it alone
Amy and Willow grin happily, look at the dancing boys.
FEMALE SINGER: Every time I see you I can’t find the words to say
Amy looks down at the lower level, makes a gesture. A white-clad demon(?) appears, floating over the dancers’
heads.
FEMALE SINGER: I just wanna turn and run away
Willow makes a gesture at two guys standing side-by-side. One guy begins to shrink while the other grows very
large, both looking around and yelling in confusion.
Amy makes a gesture and turns a bunch of dancers into sheep.
Willow and Amy grin at each other.
Pan across the room with various bolts of magic swirling around, people floating in the air, etc. Willow makes
another gesture, grinning widely.
Cut to the abandoned building. Spike punches Buffy in the face, hard. She punches him twice, then shoves him
back. He stumbles back against the refrigerator — we’re in the kitchen of an abandoned house.
Buffy kicks Spike and he flies back into the living room. It’s mostly gutted with just one chair, a pile of bricks in
the corner, etc.
Buffy strides into the room after Spike, stands watching as he gets up.
SPIKE: (grinning) Oh, poor little lost girl.
He jumps up, grabs the chandelier. Swings forward on it and kicks Buffy in the face with both his feet. She goes
down.
SPIKE: (drops to the floor) She doesn’t fit in anywhere. She’s got no one to love.
He walks over to Buffy, who gets up, grabs him, throws him against the staircase leading upstairs, smashing the
banister to bits. Buffy walks toward him.
BUFFY: Me? I’m lost? Look at you, you idiot! (Spike getting up) Poor Spikey. Can’t be a human, can’t be a
vampire. Where the hell do you fit in?
Spike swings at her but she ducks, punches him in the stomach, grabs him and throws him across the room
again. He smashes into the fireplace. Buffy walks toward him again.
BUFFY: Your job is to kill the slayer. But all you can do is follow me around making moon eyes.
SPIKE: I’m in love with you.
BUFFY: (still advancing) You’re in love with pain. Admit it. (Spike gets up) You like me … because you enjoy
getting beat down. So really, who’s screwed up?
SPIKE: Hello! Vampire!
He swings at her again, but she blocks and punches him. Spike grabs her, pulls her closer.
SPIKE: I’m supposed to be treading on the dark side.
He throws her against the wall. A big hole in the plaster where she hit. Spike goes over to her, throws her across
the room again. She lands on her back. Spike stands over her, leans down, grabs her by the front lapels of her
jacket.
SPIKE: What’s your excuse?
Buffy puts her hand over his face, shoves him away. He flies backward, taking a chunk out of a wall. He
staggers to his feet.
Buffy leaps at him and they fly back toward the staircase.
Cut to the Bronze. Willow and Amy still stand looking down. The music continues. Various people are floating
around, bolts of magic randomly turning them into various costumes and such.
FEMALE SINGER: I can’t find the time and place to say what I need to say…
WILLOW: So, we’ve kinda played this scene.
AMY: Yeah.
WILLOW: (gestures) Return.
The band turns back into Virgil. Everything else returns to normal too.
MALE SINGER: What is wrong with you?
The two dancing guys reappear, fully clothed, by the pool tables. They stare at each other, then see some cute
girls go by, and walk off in pursuit.
WILLOW: I, I just keep thinking … there’s gotta be someplace, like, bigger than this.
Overhead shot of the room, now back to normal with people dancing and such.
AMY: Besides, it’s way too early to go home yet.
Willow smiles.
Cut back to the abandoned house. Spike has Buffy pinned against the stairs. He chuckles. Buffy punches him.
He punches her back, lifts her up to look in her face.
SPIKE: I wasn’t planning on hurting you. (smirks) Much.
BUFFY: You haven’t even come close to hurting me.
SPIKE: Afraid to give me the chance?
Buffy breaks his hold, throws him against a wall. Another big hole in the wall where he hits. Shot of cracks
appearing in the wall.
Buffy grabs Spike and pushes him up against the wall.
SPIKE: You afraid I’m gonna-
Buffy shuts him up by kissing him. They kiss passionately. Buffy slams her hand into the wall, creating another
hole, to get her arm around Spike’s neck.
Shot of pieces of the ceiling separating from each other.
Buffy and Spike move away from the wall, still kissing. Spike slams Buffy up against another section of wall.
Above their heads, cracks appear and widen, moving up toward the ceiling.
More kissing. Buffy shoves Spike away, follows him as he stumbles backward across the room. She pushes him
again and continues following. Behind her, a huge piece of ceiling falls onto the spot where they were just
standing.
Buffy shoves Spike up against another wall, resumes kissing him. He lifts her up against him with her legs
around his waist.
Buffy reaches her hand down between their bodies. Sound of a zipper. More kissing.
Buffy lifts herself up and thrusts her body against Spike’s. Spike looks shocked. They stare at each other for a
moment. Then Buffy begins to move up and down, slowly, making an expression of pleasure. [note: if you don’t
know what’s going on here, you’re probably too young to be reading this!]
They resume kissing. Spike turns them around and pushes Buffy up against the wall. She reaches one arm up
and grabs the wall behind her to steady herself. Long shot of the two of them. The chandelier falls from the
ceiling, smashes on the floor.
Pieces of the house continue to fall down, floorboards breaking apart. Buffy and Spike continue kissing and,
you know, moving against each other. More stuff falls from the ceiling, walls disintegrating, etc.
Buffy leans her head back against the wall, gasping and panting. Spike rests his head on her chest.
Buffy leans forward to wrap her arms around Spike and they fall backward. The entire floor gives way and they
fall through to the basement level, landing there in a huge cloud of debris and dust and bricks, etc. Spike lands
on his back with Buffy on top of him.
They stare into each other’s eyes, both panting.
Blackout.
Executive Producers: Joss Whedon and Marti Noxon.
THE END
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